Day 14: Children

I never had this in mind, on the day you were born,

Hugs and kisses goodbye "til we see you Christmas morn.
You both walked away with a wave and a smile
I closed the door and sighed, then I cried for awhile.

Another year, another holiday, another day of missing you

Divorce robbed us of so much and there's nothing we can do.
Every time you must go, a heaviness fills my heart
And while I know you love your Dad, I hate to be apart.

It's hard that you don't know the calmness of only one home

But comforting to know you can always pick up the phone.
It's hard that you are hustled from one place to another
But comforting to know you are always with your brother.

I'm sorry that we caused this and pray for forgiveness everyday.

And, hope you grow up to see there was just no other way.
We've all moved to happiness now, but it still is just so tough.
Our time together, divided up, never seems to be enough.

But enjoy this time, your first days of Christmas break, too!

Be polite, mind your manners - Santa's still watching you!
Your presents will be waiting, wrapped under our tree.
For us all to unwrap as one big family.

Please know I think of you always, even when you aren't here.

And always with a smile, though sometimes, through a tear.
I am honored to be a Mom and I love you tons and tons
Remember that forever my two most-beautiful sons.

Day 13: Forest

Forest, huh?

• Forest Gump (RUN FOREST RUN!)
• Forest Whitaker  (Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a movie fav!)
• "So your running through a forest"  (moving hands frantically on each side of said person's face)  "running, running, running" and SMACK (hit them in the head)  "You hit a tree."
• "You can't see the forest for the trees"  (I believe I do see the big picture in most circumstances)
• My roommate in college dated a chick who had a son named Forrest.
• Lake Forest -- a college outside of Chicago that I had a conference at when I was working for Lakeland College in Green Bay.
• Rain Forest -- the environment that Cole's Humminfint had to adapt to.

That's about all I got.  Forest.  For rest. Naptime.

Day 12: Celebration

Yesterday was "Welcome Home Wednesday...."  that is always such a celebration day anyway.  But yesterday was particularly fun because Justin and I had plans to surprise the boys with dinner and tickets to a Suns game.We aren't a huge basketball family -- but we do love spending time together.  The boys' faces were priceless.  It made for a pretty late evening, but after tucking them in and them thanking us a million times...it made waking up late for school almost worth it, today.  Whoops!

Day 11: Greed

I struggle with this.  I am not a greedy person, by nature.  I do not covet my neighbor's things.  I do not look at others and wish I had more -- or was more -- or any of that.  So why do I say I struggle with this?

My boys.

I am so greedy for them -- for their time -- and I struggle with having to split their time with Sunshine.  I know that it is unfair -- but I just really wish I didn't have to watch them leave with him - or drop them at his house.  I hate that I have to split holidays with them.  I hate that I don't tuck them in bed each night. I hate that I hear about things that happen after the fact or that they tell me that he won't let them call me.  He is greedy too, it appears, and that angers me.  I sometimes respond with anger, or worse, sarcasm and hatred.  I really do not like myself when I crack.

I try to remember he deserves time with them.  He loves them.  He doesn't like this either -- divorce robs ALL of us.  I try to remind them of that too when they are begging me to ask if they can stay longer or come earlier.  I'm even going to guess that maybe they do that for him too -- to protect our hearts in their own way (12 and 9)...

...they want each of to know how much they love us....both.

And that's certainly not greedy.

That's beautiful.

Day 10: Success

The first thing that came to my mind (well, second...after the S-U-C-C-E-S-S cheer) is this poem by Emerson:

 

It's always been one of my favorites.  It was also the poem that was chosen for the funeral of a very successful man -- one whom I greatly respect. His name was Daniel (Dave) Nusbaum -- and he is my children's paternal great-grandfather (and Cole Daniel's namesake).  Both of Sunshine's grandparents have a special place in my heart.  I loved them.  Grandpa was a real quick wit and had a very funny demeanor.  He also was smart as all get out, but more than that...he held integrity like no one I've seen before or since.  He was raised on a farm and worked hard to graduate from the University of Wisconsin (Madison) and then went on to get his master's degree.  Several business ventures and relationships later found him starting Schreiber's Cheese (while working on his doctorate -- no small feat!)  He loved to learn -- and loved to teach (and the cheese is downright delicious). He wasn't just successful professionally, either.  He was a successful patriarch to a beautiful family.   He was married for 62 years and had eight children, numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren (Dane was his first!) when he died in 2005.  His legacy continues though -- not just in the company he started (a quick google shows that today,  Schrieber's has over 4500 employees, has production facilities spread across Wisconsin, Arizona, Georgia, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Texas, and Utah, as well as in Germany, Mexico, and Brazil, and it runs four distribution centers in the United States which has grossed over 2.2 billion dollars) -- but also with the growth of his family.  Personally, my boys carry the Nusbaum name and I am grateful that Grandpa's blood courses through their veins.  That's true success.

Day 9: Journey

Day 8: Relaxing

It's so important to have down time.  My only trouble is that my mind in relentless.  I wish so much that I had an off switch.  I'm constantly making mental "to do" lists.  There is always something else I should be doing.  Last night, we all had a delicious dinner and then went outside to sit around the fire.  It was about as close to relaxation as I get.  I was so content. 

I think that is what it all boils down to.  I think that I am falling into the rat race of always wanting more.  I hate that.  I have a great job -- and then I think that I have to push myself and think about moving on to a different job.  I have a great education -- and then I think that I have to get more.  I make decent money -- then I buy newer stuff and need more money.   I love my house -- then I think about moving.  (maybe I should have posted this under the "thinking" day)....

but...I don't like that.  In order for me to have a peaceful mind and allow true relaxation,

I have to remind myself to simplify. 

 

I need to be grateful that I have enough. 

 

I am enough.

Day 7 - Sunset

I am more of a sunrise kind of girl, but I do love a good sunset....preferably one where the sun is falling into a vast, beautiful ocean....preferably an ocean with fun, salt-kissed waves that my children are playing in....preferably those children are peacefully getting along so my husband and I can bury our feet in the sand and hold hands, preferably one hand will be intertwined with his while the other  is holding a divine beach cocktail....preferably that cocktail is following a perfect, delicious dinner that has filled my belly.....preferably that belly and my heart will be so full that, with the sleeping of the sun and a rinse off of the saltwater, we can tuck the boys in and sneak off to our bed...preferably that bed will be made up outside under the stars....preferably stars that we make a wish on, cuddle a little, kiss a lot and then sleep the night away....Ahhh, sunsets.

Might be time for another Mexico trip....

Day 6: Reading

I'm not that much of a reader.  I hated it growing up because of school -- being forced to do much of anything was never really by thang.  (and yes, I meant to type THANG...you read that right!)  I remember vividly telling my Language Arts teacher that I would MUCH rather write a book than read one.  I think I BS'd through every single book report.  The ONLY book I read was because Mr. Barber started reading it in class out loud (slightly inappropriate looking back at it, but I so very much enjoyed it) was The Catcher in the Rye.  I've read it several times since and the book constantly morphs for me - always meaning something different.  Now, I still am being semi-forced to read since I'm back in school, so I don't have much time for leisure filled days of reading.  (Yet, somehow I did manage to read the 50 Shades of Grey series....but that is much more about my insatiable sex drive than my ability to read...wait, really, what are we talking about?)

All of that said....my child LOVES to read.  I mean he really really really does.  Sure, it may have been perpetuated by being told to do so for school, but it has taken off.  We are always looking for new suggestions.  He brings his books with him wherever we go.  He reads in the car, in the store, at appointments, in his room, on the couch, on the trampoline ....and sometimes even on his brother. 

Day 5: Frustration

How appropriate.....

I sit here in tears and with high anxiety because...ready for it.... divorce fucking sucks.

...wait....correction...

my ex-sunshine sucks worse.

I'm going to be petty and immature and stupid....deal with it or click that little X in the right corner and disappear.

UGH -- he is such a pain in the ass...seriously. 

Today is my only day with the boys this week....and seriously, it's not cool with me. He has them on Mondays and Tuesdays....and it's his weekend....plus his year for Thanksgiving....blech!   I've called and left him a message...I want to know if I can see the boys on Friday....(I also want to know when he is going to get my f'ing name off that house...it's been years that he said he's working on it....and, seriously, who moves in to your friends house to fuck her husband....wait....sorry....I'm not writing about that)  Thing is...he is trained.  He won't respond to me unless SHE is there....and even his emails are written by her.  I'm okay with that...it's why I divorced the pussy....(yep, I said that...)  He has no manhood...he just follows....which works well in that household (my house, my house) ...cause she is man enough for them both.

I'm super frustrated.

PS.  edited to add that I just talked to him....and he was pleasant...kind, perhaps....and now I feel guilty....I asked about seeing the boys -- he said he'd talk to her (ba dum dum dum)....and I asked about the house which he said he is working on but apparently their credit isn't up to par....I get that....so....well....that's it folks.  14 years of loving that man....20 years knowing him....boils down to... one pleasant conversation.  Maybe we're getting somewhere.

PSS...edited again to add, they decided against it.  Jackholes.

Day 4: Busy

Yes...I am.

Much like you....I'm busy.

I'm a Mom of two beautiful and busy boys, too.  They run me crazy and often leave me exhausted but one hug from them or an "I love you" or a "you're the best" makes it all worth it.  They are the REASON I breathe on this planet - my gift from God, on loan to the universe - created in my body with gifts to share.  I'm blessed to be near them and help guide them as they keep teaching me and keep me grounded.

I'm a Wife of a loyal lover who is busy too.  He is so hard working that he rarely sits still.  Either he's running his shop or helping run our family.  He is ridiculously patriotic and makes me feel safe and secure. He loves me with everything he has -- he makes me laugh and understands me inside and out.  He is a busy dad, too and can be found at the soccer field or football practice or band concerts or bringing our boys to appointments or headed to parent/teacher conferences.  You would never guess they weren't biologically his own.

I'm a Daughter to my marvelous mother who is busy in her own way  She in the sole leader of our great family.  Her strength and love are never ending and her devotion to my dad is the reason I know real true love exists and that I won't except any less.  I am a Daughter to my fabulous father who is surely busy enjoying the ever-after by watching us here on Earth.  He was always busy with work or running to be at my sporting events and loyal to his God -- so much so that I  know he is with God (and with me every Sunday at church).

I am a Sister to two badass brothers and two strong sisters who are all crazy busy with work, kids, and life.  They are not just my siblings but my very best friends.  Johnny has a magnetic pull that draws people in and I always have so much fun with him. Rick is constant - always there and always real. Kerry is my best friend, bar none.  Kelly has been through so much and prevails in her own creative and beautiful way.

I am a Friend to countless fabulous friends and a best friend to one or two and I can tell you -- they are all so damn busy we can't hardly see each other.  They have families and jobs and still have a way to let me know that at the drop of a hat, they will be there for me and we will pick up as if life wasn't so busy.

I am a Nurse to my many perfect patients and to whomever needs my help because I know they are busy with their lives and they need to get back to them.  Our busy time is precious and these patients teach me that we need to get BUSY living cause as the seconds pass, we are actually dying.  It's a reality I am able to see and touch, often.  I am able to spend 13 hours a day with them....with their families and leave the hospital knowing that I have a purpose in the world -- sure it took me 30+ years to realize it, but I'm here now...and it feels good.

I am a Student.  I am a life long learner, it seems to be.  I am currently in school to get another bachelors degree and while it makes me UNBELIEVABLY busy, it's something that drives me to reach another personal goal.  It's the ONE thing that I am doing for myself - knowing it will benefit my family - but really just another way for me to say FUCK OFF to the naysayers.  Sure, I'll have a Devil degree soon -- but I'm always a Wildcat at heart.

I am a Daughter in law and  sister in law to a fabulously friendly family by fate.  We are all so different, and all SO busy, yet I love the Essary's incredibly and finally feel like I am part of an extended family that accepts me and my children as if they have always known and loved us.  I cannot tell you how amazing that feels. 

I am an Aunt to many (many) nice and naughty nieces and nephews...To date, there is Thomas, Keegan, Connor, Kaytlyn, Darryl, Kristyn, Asher, Tatum, Jhayston, Kyra, Jenna, Alaina, Jake, Jerron, Natalie, Nyla, Ty, Sophie, Dylan, Cierra, Louie, Vanessa, Arianna, Emma and Hinkley.  Phew!!!  If I'm not busy with my own children's lives, it's easy to be busy with theirs.

So yes...I'm busy -- and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

Day 3: Color

I'm feeling insanely uncreative right now.  So I'll leave you with this:

I love to Color:  Pockets

I like Red: She likes Red!  Ya we like Red! Red red red red red red red red
Red is for the roosters head
the farmers roof
my grandmas spread
Red is for a nose that's cold
that guides along Santa's sled

But when I'm feeling real loose, I color puce.

Puce?  What's puce?

This is a song called, "I love to Color" and it describes colors in detail, but the kid always returns back to saying he likes puce which leaves the singer baffled.  It's from a perfectly perfect kids album by Pockets.  It's a slice of deliciousness.  A fun, quirky, sweet album that was introduced to me by my sister's best friend back in the day.  I've now just turned it on and it just makes me happy.

(I've got five pockets in my overalls, got five pockets in my overalls, I've got two on the back, one on the bib, and two in the ordinary everyday place -- in the front!)

When I was in high school my best friends and I use to sing "Show Me Your Smile"  Which was by far our favorite.  It has now transitioned into a song that I torment my children with --generally when they are being pains in my hinder.

(show me your smile, let it dance for awhile, on your face, what a place for a smile to be -- on your face -- on your face.  Show me your frown, make it sad like a clown, when you're down, you can frown, it's okay with me....when you're down.  When you're down.  I wanna know when you're happy, I wanna know when you're sad.)

For the record, Puce (often misspelled as "puse", "puese" or "peuce") is a color that is defined as ranging from light grayish red-violet to medium to dark purplish-brown.

...and is SO NOT my favorite.

Day 2 - A furry friend

I live in a zoo....we have 3 dogs, a hamster, a tortoise, fish, and 2 birds....

...a furry friend -- I can't pick between my 3 dogs...Scout is a 6 year old Golden Doodle.  She looks like Sandy from the movie Annie.  I got Scout when I was still married to Sunshine....and she came with me (and so did his sunshine)....  She is a perfect dog.  She is goofy and silly and fun.  She is tender and playful.  She loves attention from adults and kids.  She LOVES the water and jumping off the dock into the lake at the dog park.  She will fetch with the best of them, but only brings it within 5 feet of you.  She is reliable and doesn't shed.  I love her.  Piper is a 5 year old Chihuahua.  She was my gift to myself when I got a divorce.  She was ridiculously expensive, pure bred with great lines (I fixed her instantly, but really shouldn't have.)  She literally helped me through that time.  She is fiercely loyal to her mama.  :)  She is such a cuddle bug -- loves her spot on my lap.  She hides from strangers and barks like she is a big dog.  She is NOT a yippy chihuaha, so I don't mind the occassional outbursts.  She is the smallest dog (only 5 lbs) but she runs this household.  She is definitely queen bitch -- well, other than me.  And lastly, there's Halo.  She is a 2 year old part Jack Russel and part Chihuahua.  She is a spaz, as you would expect.  But she is a doll...cutest tortoise I've ever seen (I asked Justin for a tortoise and he came home with a puppy!)  She is gentle and just loves the boys like crazy (as evidenced by the dog hair all over them.)  She is a jealous dog, part human, who sits with us on the couch upright like a person.  They all love the boys and their favorite snack is string cheese (yes really.)  I just love each and everyone of them....they make our family. :)

Day 1: Thinking

Some of the best life decisions I've ever made came from NOT thinking about it.  Isn't that odd?  I wouldn't have gone to U of A (but it was easy and my sister and best friend were going to be there,) I wouldn't have picked up and moved to Wisconsin (other than the decision was made by my boyfriend at the time), we wouldn't have gotten pregnant the first time, and I certainly wouldn't be with Justin.  Those are just off the top of my head.

But that said, some of the worst times of my life were a result of my not thinking.

Strange....that thinking thing.  I do think it tends to get me in trouble.  I have a tendency to get restless -- when I'm restless my mind wanders...when my mind wanders...my thoughts are scattered and unstable.  When that happens, I push people away. 

Counseling has taught me that I do that as some sort of test to see if people care enough to pull me in -- or stand their ground -- but in the very least, it's a silent (stubborn and stupid) way to beg them to just not run away.   

...how far can you push -- and how many times -- until they actually go away?

I actually know the answer to that.  And it's incredibly painful.  And I don't EVER want to have that happen again.

The good thing is that I think I am in control of my thinking.  I spin it into positive thinking (I can at least try).  There is a song by Gretchen Wilson, "When I Think About Cheating," that is just about this thing.  "When I think about cheating, I just think about you leaving.  How my world would fall to pieces, if I tossed your love away.  Even when I'm tempted by some stranger, oh there's never any danger, I just think about you leaving, when I think about cheating."  Now, don't get all carried away -- I am NOT talking about cheating perse, but just about, realistic thinking.  Yes, sometimes things seem like a great idea -- running away from restlessness is easy -- but when I think about how great I have it, I end up digging my heels in and staying right where I am.

So, today, the best things are happening in my life because I am an active participant in my thinking.  It's exciting to see what lies ahead -- how doing the right thing -- the responsible thing -- will bless my life....and that of those around me.

It's worth a shot.

November 1 -- time to dust off my typing fingers at write...

Today kicks off National Novel Writing Month (better known as NaNoWriMo - though I have no idea why that's easier to remember.)  This is an annual internet-based creative writing project which challenges participants to write 50,000 words of a new novel between November 1 and 30. I have little interest in writing a novel at this point in my life -- but I do love to write.  So it's like God just nudged me a little and said "get back into the ring."  So here I am.  Ta Da!  :)

I was asked to participate in a flash blog (like a flash mob) in August.  Turns out I have some people that frequently read my blog.  It blows me away.  Two of them are in Russia --  a couple are here in the United States.  Somehow our blogging worlds collided and now we are cyber friends.  They email me to check in when I've been gone too long -- and they respond on posts.  It's awesome.  I write for myself, yes....but it is truly great to know people are reading.  So, back to August....I just didn't sign on....I didn't know what the prompts were going to be -- I didn't think I'd have the time with my school -- and the boys school...and both in sports and blah blah blah....but I'm going to do it now.  The prompts are listed below -- I tried not to read ahead to them, cause I like to shoot from the hip -- but some are so entirely random, I'm not sure I'll have anything to talk about.  Here it goes....

Had a friend die on Tuesday....and it's put me in a bit of a fog...

I find myself questioning so much -- and I don't like to do that.  I am the kind of person that wants to be certain of things -- of myself, of my choices, of my relationship, of my friendships....of my purpose.  So, in times like these, it's like there are a million tiny pieces of myself floating without meaning headed toward a vast unknown....(I am picturing more of a Wonkavision scene versus a James Frey book)...and that's dangerous for me.  Times like these generally get me into trouble.  I push people away.  I drink too much.  I retreat to a lonely "I got this" solitude.  I'm not a good friend, a good mother or a good wife.  I'm trying hard to control it....attempting to hold this monster inside me down...the one that tells me to "RUN" and "SEIZE THE DAY" fearful that the sands of my hourglass are dwindling....I'm trying to stay engaged in this life...unafraid of the what ifs and more sure of the NOW.    I'm trying.

Oh, the mind. It gets so easily snagged on the negative. Something happens and it doesn't unfold the way we hoped and the mind just spins. And replays. And spins some more. Sometimes it's our own behavior that disappoints us. We feel angry or heartbroken about the way we showed up with someone and long to do it over. Rewrite it in our minds. Say it right, or do it differently.

Sometimes it's some...one else. There are so many experiences in life that just don't have clear, definable endings. People do not reveal themselves in a linear fashion anymore than life does. Once in awhile someone we've been close to for a long time pulls away suddenly and without explanation. Or we are betrayed or shamed. This doesn't feel good when it happens with people we are just getting to know, either. It's hard to let go of things without closure, without a full understanding of what transpired. But life and people just don't come wrapped up in neat little packages like that. We humans are messy and complicated, and life is always throwing us curveballs and forks in the road. When we hold on to anger or judgment or blame, or drive ourselves crazy trying to redo something that can't be redone, we are the ones who suffer.

Here's the thing. You are not going to understand everything. Not everything is going to be explained. Not everyone is going to communicate in a way that gives you peace. Very frequently in life, you have to find the peace yourself. We all make mistakes. No one shows up as their highest self in every moment. At a certain point, you really have to forgive yourself and forgive others for their humanness. Human-mess. And...Let. It. Go.

Pain is perfectly natural. Sometimes we are in pain with no explanation and the only solution is to open to it. To lean into it, to explore it, to accept this is how things are for now, and to remember everything is in a constant state of flux. To be kind to yourself. How you feel now is not how you'll feel forever, or even next week. Sit with your pain, but do your best to release the details, the obsession, the do-overs. Because that is called living in the past. That is called missing the moment. And the moments are precious. You don't want to spend too many of them agonizing over what has happened and why, or making yourself sick with worry about what might happen in the future. Just come back to right now.

You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to get everything right, and neither does, or will, anyone else. It's part of the deal of being human. Embrace that. Examine your mistakes long enough to understand yourself, and well enough to avoid repeating them. Accept that other people have their own path to walk and manage, and it may not always be pretty. And carry on. Life is too short to miss. I'm pretty sure of that.

9/11

It's still so painful.  I remember the devastation of that day...the loss of so many lives.  But time also has a strange way of making things fade - pain lessen, somewhat.  So always, on this "anniversary" of sorts...I like to re-read a letter I wrote to Dane the morning after it all happened (he was 14 months old).  You know me...I write.   So, I thought I'd share:

September 12, 2001

Dear Dane,

It's the day after a horrible event that rocked our country's foundation. Terrorists attacked America. Planes were hijacked and used as weapons against the people here. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Center (twin towers) in New York. One crashed into the pentagon; another crashed about 80 miles out of Pittsburgh. All of them were commercial airlines with normal day to day passengers aboard. The death toll is easily in the thousands. Many people lost their lives yesterday. This will change our nation. You will read about this in your history books -- your children will too, and so will theirs. I feel the need to write to you and let you know how much this has impacted me. I want to bring emotion to the day that you may not receive reading some textbook. Oh dearest Dane, I will never be the same.

Joel, your daddy, called me on his way to work and said, "Oh God, Kristen, turn on the TV." When I did...I simply couldn't believe what I saw. TV cameras actually had footage of the planes diving into the towers...Oh the fire and debris! I was glued to the TV all day yesterday. On of my best girlfriends, whom I was going to see in SF this weekend, works M-F in Newark. The night before all this went down, she called to say, "I am going to try and get an earlier flight back home." When I heard one of the doomed flights was Newark to San Fran...I almost threw up.

Luckily she is ok......But it so easily could have been different. It was for so many people...and, in the coming days and months I am sure to hear of many people with direct ties to the dead. I may very well know someone.

I am disgusted by the cowardly act -- literally cried and hugged you a hundred times yesterday. I thought about bringing another child in this world and for the only time in my life, thought, "maybe not." I was terrified wondering WHERE the "unaccounted for" planes were, wondering if one of them could actually strike us...Heartbroken thinking of those people on the planes and in each of the towers....Those that called their families before the died....Those that didn't...Their fear. Shocked to see the WTC fall down in one giant mushroom cloud....So incredibly crushed that those firefighters, policemen/women and triage helpers all were injured/or died in the debris. I was Angry --wanted revenge...."We need to just bomb the hell out of them!" I didn't really care who "them" was -- and still don't know for sure. I was just absolutely devastated...My tears fell on your beautiful face over and over again.

Today I awoke feeling like yesterday was a dream. I am not close in proximity to New York or Washington DC -- but I am there in so many ways. I am there in the mother that won't hold her children again. I am there in the wife that won't see her husband again. I am there as a friend who lost a loved one. I am there as an employee who lost a great many coworkers and possibly a livelihood. I am there as an American, who experienced a tragedy. I am there.

We still aren't certain who did it....U.S. Officials quickly began focusing on fugitive terrorist Osama bin Laden as the architect of the devastation. This morning, bin Laden congratulated the people who carried out the deadly terrorist strikes on the United States, but denied that he was involved. Who knows who did it for sure....and who knows what will happen when we actually find out.

Yet, I am grateful for the lives saved....the families that will be reunited. I am grateful for MY FAMILY...the love that we have that will continue to grow. I am inspired by the coming together of our nation - the prayer groups, the blood donations, the all togetherness of it all. And today, I will hold you and love you and tell you everything will be ok...and it will be....somehow -- someway.

Continued thoughts and prayers go out for everyone,

I love you,

Mom

Sigh.  It just makes it so fresh to me -- and allows the tears to fall that I  feel are justified as time marches on and makes it bearable.  Since then, I've learned that I did in fact personally know someone who died in the towers that day -- and I've also come to meet another who's brother and best friend also died that day.  I know that time has a way of lessening the devastation -- but I feel like today -- we need to stop and remember what it felt like that day and honor all those lives that were lost.  We need to remember the fear, but also celebrate the patriotism that came from that day.  I also feel like it's imperative that we STOP and thank someone from our military who defend our lives everyday.  I'm going to go on a walk on this early rainy Arizona morning and while I count the flags on the houses in the neighborhood, I'm likely going to get soaked in thankfulness.   Thankful for my children.  Thankful for my husband.  Thankful for my family.  Thankful for my freedom.  Thankful for my country.  Thankful for the lesson.

I have to get better at blogging on a more regular basis...I know this.  You tell me that I need to write about happy things -- about things that look to the future rather than giving the past the middle finger.  That's what you said.  But, in general I don't write all the time because I think I need "something" to write about.  My life is a bit monotonous, and therefore, so is my blog.  I know this, too.  (My Mom told me that boring was good -- she has a point -- I haven't had this much NOT to say in a long time.)  If I think long and hard about it, I know that I write too much about the divorce...too much about having too little...too much on mundane things...and less about thoughts that really matter....or maybe I don't.  I don't know.  See, I'm a simple person.  I love whom I love with an unending passion.  Unending.  That's just who I am.  That is why I write about the love, friendship, my children and my bonds with others....It's also why I write about the intensity of losing any of those things.  Or, perhaps, fear of losing them.  Unending attachment.  It's the fiber that holds my heart together.  I know this and I can't be sorry for it.  But for you, my friend, I'll try to write more cause I love, love, love that people you read it.  :)

Memories of my Dad 6/20/44 - 8/16/07

Being his baby girl, (KrisTEN, cause he knew I'd be a ten, Ruth, after his mother), Nebraska, The Jet, the Kealy cabin, the lake, the river, fire, campfire songs, "I don't know I'll ask ya" "The Bumblebee song"  gas cans, learning how to drive, playing cards:  pitch, buck...jeeps, University, St. Cecelia, St. Michaels, stories of his childhood, Joe, Donna, Barb, Ruth, Dickie, the spanking machine, he was the best back tickler, relay races in the back yard, the hidden room, tornado warnings (especially the night he was really sick), Cinder, Smokey, Patty, the cemetary, Kealy Construction Company, his laughter (almost a cackle), winston cigarettes, shlitz, him cooking breakfast in the morning, doing dishes in the evening, Arizona, Exeter, Hillcrest, buying me a gigantic koala bear holding a baby koala bear (as big as me) when I got the chicken pox, knowing what my temperature was by a kiss on my forehead, Nebraska football parties, playing volleyball, heating the pool, posed pictures at Easter, Santa Claus, buying my first car...and my second...and my third...the lecture he gave me about putting a "pro choice" bumper sticker on the car that HE bought.  He was proud of being Irish, proud of being Catholic, proud of being a hard core Republican (proof that no man is perfect.)  Camelback, The Kealy Irish Scramble, "The Famous", jumping up and spinning, football, Notre Dame, ASU, the Jets, the Bears, loyalty, love, my Mom, seeing my Dad kiss my Mom, seeing them slow dance and him grab her "fanny,"  My Wild Irish Rose, 12 days of Christmas, Silent Night, The Little Drummer Boy (ba rum ba dum dum), road trips, La Jolla, the beach, sunflower seeds, his white gilligan hat, flip flops, his toenails, the park, The Marine Room, The Chart House, walks to the pier, sunsets, green flash, Del Mar, betting the horses (with his money), Mexico, Wymas, the wave that took him out bodysurfing, our own plane (that almost killed us all -- but we would have died laughing), Rocky Point, learning to drive stick shift, Jack Daniels, Kealy Development, the office, his desk, the pictures of us, jeeps, lexus SUVs, supporting my sports, volleyball, diving, and expecially basketball where he drove my mom to every game, no matter how far away it was...and got kicked out of a few games for being VERY supportive, standing up for me, wanting to beat up the boyfriend that beat me up...while in his underwear...in front of 300 people, coming with me to alcohol classes and court, the forehead to forehead come to jesus moments, taking me to get my licence, giving me odds and end jobs for extra money, crying at my high school graduation, Our Lady of Perpetual Help, being an eucharistic minister, tearing up everytime any of us kids came to receive communion, laughing when Mom did, his absolute dedication to God, being the only one that didn't laugh at me when I got confirmed as "John", dropping me off at college, loving my dream of wanting to be a nurse, making me stick it out when I wanted to come home, crying at my college graduation, Kohl's Ranch cabin, the golfcart, Tontozona, Payson, loading up the Uhaul and waving us goodbye as we drove off to Green Bay - telling me I didn't need luck cause I had "it" and would be fine, celebrating my jobs, visiting, Packer games, boat rides, giving Sunshine permission to marry me, crying with me as I got engaged, walking me down the aisle (after we had a shot of Jack), wiping out on the bubble filled dance floor (doing that damn spin move again), offering advice, showing up for our wedding celebration in Wisconsin instead of just fedexing the video...(even if he shocked me by walking in my bedroom while I was asleep naked,) loving our first owned home, his pride of walking around the Notre Dame campus showing us where he lived (now an all girls dorm and they thought he was a creeper), celebrating each pregnancy, devastated with each pregnancy loss, showing up with Mom in the nick of time for Dane's birth (even if it was a 2000 mile flight, they made it!), mowing my lawn, stocking my fridge and rocking my screaming baby when I just about lost my mind, making it possible to move home, giving Sunshine a job, working hard, IEC, KNK, being madly in love with my mom, holding her hand, finishing her sentences, Bandit, White Dog, the patios, the coolers, the pools, the freezing winter swims, his red face, his straight teeth, his balding blonde hair, football pools, making bets, his bookie, his command for respect, his tender nature, his quiet strength, his pride in being a grandfather, taking my children fishing, being at Dane's games earlier then everyone else (despite back pain), his little chair, his floppy hat and his sunflower seeds, telling me I was a great mother, freaking out when he walked in and saw me breastfeeding Cole, his ever present pacing for each of Cole's surgeries, his dream for my boys, him showing me his new real estate (the cemetary plots -- with "such a great view of the mountain), his disappointment in my divorce, his love, his advice, his tears, his blue eyes, cancer, rolling his eyes cause I got a chihuahua, wanting the nurses/doctors to wait til I was there for just about anything, telling me he loved me, my mother's love, the rosary, knowing he knew where he was headed...his last breath.

....off the cuff, anyway -- there are SO MANY MORE.... 

Today, I will be attending my son's first football game of the year -- and I'm gonna bet -- my Dad will be there too!

I love you, Dad.  Thank you for blessing my life...always.

School is in session! This Mom's reflection of new beginnings....

It's always a little bittersweet.  The start of school is just another reminder that time goes quickly -- and my boys are growing like weeds.  This year was significantly more stressful.  My oldest is starting Junior High.  I will admit to having to fight back the tears when we went and picked up his schedule and toured the school.  I remember vividly doing that myself when I was going into 7th grader, so how in the world was it possible that my child was in 7th grade!?  And then my youngest is starting at a new school too...4th grade but in an honors school that he tested into (I have such reservations about this type of segregation...)  I'm just so not impressed with this school, but he wants to try (and frankly, his Dad insisted.)  So two boys + two new schools = almost TOO much for this mamabear.

First Day of School

So today is Friday -- and the week has gone exceptionally well.  I really can't complain.  The boys both seem to really like their schools.  The homework has started and we are back on a schedule complete with practices and bedtimes.  I'm proud of myself, too.  My work schedule is such that I only worked on Wednesday this school week.  I've had a lot of time to be by myself.  I've been reading and decluttering.  It feels good.  I even have been trying to take some baby steps into helping my children find their independence.  First day I drove to school: 

Then, I drove them to the bus stop (first time ever on buses):

 
Then today, I let them WALK to the bus stop.  Dane walked Cole to his (it's about 1/2 a mile away) and then walked back to his:

OF COURSE (I'm sure you were going to ask,) I did stalk them...and drove to each bus stop to be sure that they got there on time and in one piece.  :) 

So, the plan is that they are going to be walking to the bus stop -- and then after school, Cole will have to wait for Dane's bus (10 minutes) and then they can walk home together.  We are hoping that we will all be comfortable enough with this that they will be able to do it even when I am off to work. 

I'm assuming they will have no problem with it -- I'm anticipating that I will.  Sigh. 

My loves!

School is about to start again...

As usual, the anxiety is starting to sneak in.  What is different about this year? Both boys will be going to new schools.  I am unsure of just about everything.  They seem excited, so I'm trying to be the best mamabear and roll with it.  My oldest will be riding the school bus...and I will be leaving for work before that...so he will be responsible to get to the bus on time (that is after the dogs are out and the house is locked up.)  I fear the bus...mostly because I was a "mean girl" and I know what happens on those buses...Karma is a bitch -- but especially scary when I'm afraid it will unleash it's fury on my beautiful, kind, tender 12 year old. 

This morning I was listening to music and a Kenny Chesney song came on about living your life different.  "People say they'd never change a thing....Oh, but I would!"   And, I thought to myself...would I change anything and what would it be?  It's no lie that I'm finally in a very happy place.  I absolutely love my life -- I love who I am, the job that I do and the friends I surround myself with.  I have two gorgeous and healthy children, a husband who adores me and money in the bank.  So, in so many ways, would I change the things I have done that ultimately got me where I am today? 

The quick answer is "no."

I wouldn't want the course of my life to change much simply because I am where I am today.  I don't regret any of the stepping stones...However...with that said, there are things that I wish I would have done differently.  I should have been more kind.  There are two specific times when I remember that I was mean...just to be mean.  Why?  I suppose looking back it may be because I craved the attention -- needed to feel power when I really felt weak, etc...but it was just plain mean.  I've since apologized to one of the people I was mean to....she acted like it was no big deal.  We had become friends again but I still felt like I needed to say something to her.  It didn't really make me feel better -- but I do think it made her realize that I do have sorrow for the hurt I caused her...I'd like to think that helped, but maybe it didn't...and that's okay too. 

I don't know...I guess the moral of this rambling is that we just need to be kind to each other.  There are so many times when biting my lip has rewarded me.  It's a lesson I'd love to teach my children.  Do NOT bully -- stand up for the lil guy...  respect each other...use words instead of fists...  JUST BE KIND....and if not...well....send them to me...I've already blown it.  :)

My boys come home today --

I woke up to a text from my oldest....he can't wait to be home...and it just went on from there.  I LOVE my boys...I mean...I literally sit here IN TEARS in love with them...like a kid a Christmas....

...and it's only Wednesday.  July 11, 2012.

But, it's "Welcome Home Wednesday"....and I"ve missed them....like crazy.

The love I feel for them is easy to explain to another Mom.... it's our duty -- our blessing..... but, it's hard to explain to someone who isn't divorced....I have a love/hate relationship with their time with their Dad.  He loves them -- as much as I do.....and I am so blessed that I had married...and had children....with one of the good ones....he LOVES his kids...is a stand up man.... and therefore, deserves time with them.  It's good for the boys -- it's right for their father.  I'm blessed (God, thank you for letting me see the blessing through the hurt) that he married my friend...someone I trust.  (odd...I know.)  Someone I KNOW is a good mom...someone I really do believe that loves my children.  It makes Sunshine a better father....or actually...maybe it doesn't....but it makes me very comfortable sending my children to their home.  I do appreciate her....and my kids do too....that really stands for something....but I hate that they aren't with me all the time.  My baby boy got stung by a scorpion over at his dad's infested house (I hate that house - remember that was "our" house first...actually it still is in my name, but I digress)....he didn't tell me until the next day --  Cole told me he wanted to call but his Dad said no.  I HATE THAT.

Any which way....it's my time now....

Dane tells me....it always is.  "We're always your time, mama" he says.  He tells me "I am" his parent...and he makes no deviance in that.  I am his mom...I am his comfort.

I have a feeling that this kid feels me....and tells me what he thinks I need to hear...things I need to feel.

I'm sorry for that.

It's not his job to ease my heart.  I LOVE that he LOVES me....but I know it.  I LOVE that he WORRIES about my heart, but I wish it wasn't necessary.  I LOVE that he wishes to be here... I LOVE that he calls it home...  I LOVE that he tells me how much he misses me...how much he misses Justin.    He says he feels "at peace" here (his words).....  I LOVE that we provide that for him.

Hurry home, Children....and prepare yourself for a whole lotta lovin'

This has been burning a hole in my brain all damn day.  One half of me completely agrees.    One half of me completely disagrees.  There was the time in a state diving meet in high school -- when I was really doing suprisingly well...and the dive was coming up that I dreaded...a one and a half twist flip.  I hated those twist flips.  I'd done them, never very well though and so it just made me nervous.  All I had to do was an average dive.  I was so nervous and completely talked my way out of success.  I don't know what happened...my approach was good, initial bounce was perfect, started the flip, hands in place and my body just sort of flopped.  I landed after a flip and 3/4 -- majorly overrotated and didn't so much barely "twist."  I hit the water and heard the "oooohs" and then heard the announcer state "FAIL DIVE" -- I wanted to drown and attempted to stay under water until all the whispers subsided.  When I finally did surface, my dad and sister were by the wall - disappointed but worried about my ego.  That was pretty much the end of that meet for me.  It took me years to talk about it -- so angry with myself.  I beat myself in that meet and I hated it. 

Years.

But now I can sort of laugh about it -- confirming to me that I am in fact over it -- and further reminding me that not everyone in my high school is still talking about it.  :)

But then I think of the almighty divorce and when I speak of it -- speak of the demise of my marriage and speak of the end of my strongest friendship yet, the end of my dream and the end of my family as it was, I still hurt deeply.  I have deep sadness when I see the weathering it's had on Sunshine's face and the changes I've made in his soul.  I have terrible sorrow when I think of my children and what they've been through -- what they will go through -- and how our decisions to end our marriage may effect their relationships in the future.  It literally PAINS me.

I'd not like to believe it is because I have not healed, however, and that is where my conflict has resided today.

I had a conversation with a great friend who has also been through a divorce about this saying today which brought a bit of clarity to me.  It went something like this...

"the saying sounds about accurate. there are some things that initially are just too painful to talk about. over time it becomes easier. i know for me, when i can finally talk about something then i have moved past it."


"what about your divorce?
cause it still causes me pain
(not YOUR divorce, pighead, but mine...LOL)"

"mine is still painful to talk about. i seriously don't ever think i will ever get over it. does anyone ever really get over a divorce? i don't think so. i think it will always be a source of pain. that is just my opinion...."

"so you are saying you will never heal?
even though I'm remarried....and so is he...we are clearly moved on....
still hurts.
but does it hurt cause of MY HEART or cause of HIS....or a promise broken...or disappointment....or is it cause of the kids.
"things that make you go hmmmmmmmm"

"I will heal, but there will still be effects. I broke my leg in high school and it healed. however, there are times when it still causes me pain...."

And just like that -- a lightbulb went off in my head and it all made sense.

Much like the anticipation for a beautiful dive that I believed I could do well....my approach to my marriage was flawless and the beginning was right on, but somewhere in the middle things just got messed up.  The ending was much more devastating than the pain of the water, the "oohs and ahhs" were more frequent, yet still terribly saddening, the disappointment from my family and my "team" were literally too much to handle. 

Divorce isn't just "one of life's pains."  It is the most brutally, awful, degrading, depressing, downright disappointing time ever and yet so many people do it.  So it makes sense to me that it will creep up and smack me in when I'm not expecting it.

How I react is proof that I've healed.

I just have this feeling that something good is about to happen... no reason at all why, not doing anything different...it's just a hunch...and I like it...I like it a lot.

FATE

Bear with me as I babble on my blog.... 

(that sentence has a lot of Bs...reminds me of one of my favorite movies:  Overboard...when Goldie Hawn was going "b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b" and one kid is throwing grapes at her and the other one is going, "I like when she goes "b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b")  Anyway...

About a week before Justin and I were going to run off to Mexico to get married, (not really considered an "elopement" since we told everyone beforehand -- well, like a day or two beforehand...) we went to a Kenny Chesney concert.  We love going to concerts.  We love live music.  Kenny Chesney ("Kenny, buddy, ole' pal, as Justin says....ha) is one of our favorites.  He puts on a great show.  To add to the sweetness, Uncle Kracker opened for him.  And, I love me some Uncle Kracker!!!  We sat down in our seats and quickly took up with the great couple in front of us -- who were with their two grown daughters (early 20sish).  They were fun and awesome...I told Justin I loved that they were there with their kids.   They were one of the first people we told about our plans to marry.  I love families that WANT to be with each other -- and not on holidays -- but on all days.  Throughout the concert we talked, and sang, and laughed and high fived.  They didn't mind that we drank too much or sang off key -- and it quickly felt like we were all at the concert:  together.  When it was over, we swapped "facebook" names and went on our way.

Leslie and I kept up on facebook.  She was excited to see the pictures of the ceremony.  We chit chatted...small talk...and stalked each others facebook pages.  We had so much in common it was weird.  More so, I just REALLY liked her.  That's strange, people.  I dont' really LIKE many people off the bat...women, in particular.  But Leslie was different.  I have this strange magnetic pull to her.  It's almost motherly/best friendish/soul mate kind of weirdness, I can't explain it.  So, a month later when we had the reception -- Leslie and her daughter came.  It was SO good to see her, albeit slightly awkward to say "these are my Kenny Chesney friends!"  Time went on and we still talked.  We missed each other by seconds at subsequent concerts and always talk about all getting together.

You know how that goes....life.

We are all so busy -- my schedule, while I only work 3 days a week, is never consistent.  We all work full time.  She helped plan her daughter's wedding, only to turn around and start planning her other daughter's wedding (much like my parents did...wowza...busy.)  But we still connect and catch up...and I just love her to death.  I knew that when everything chilled out that we would find time for each other...a strange thing to say, but I KNOW she will be in my life.  We will celebrate happy times and tough times...I just know it!  I loved her pictures of the wedding...and smiled with her smiles of how much she loves her family.

Friday, May 25, as my shift is about to end, a colleague gets a new admit.  He needs help getting her settled (no, it's not Leslie, but the story is building, isn't it?).  A woman, I would say -- in her 40/50s was there with her mother.  I helped get her situated and then gave my reports and was off work til Sunday. 

Sunday, May 27, I get my assignment for the day.  I have 718.  I go about my day -- I learn that this woman has been told only a week or so ago that she has uterine cancer -- and now she's "ALOC"  (altered level of consciousness).  I fear that it's mets to the brain...I fucking hate cancer.  And always try to love on the family as much as the patient during these times because I remember too vividly the nurses that did NOT care about my dad or my family when we were going through it.  I heard the background.  I met her husband, her mother, her daughter.  I did my best to make my patient comfortable.  The family was told that the cancer was everywhere.  I sat in on the family meeting with the oncologist.  I put the DNR bracelet on her arm and changed her code status in the computer (the HARDEST thing I do as a nurse...because it was like time .... stood.... still.... when my dad was sick....but the minute we signed that paper...he's chart was changed, the board was changed and someone we didn't know was putting a purple DNR bracelet on the man that meant more to me than anything in the world.  Jackasses...)  I gave her a bath and tried to soothe her pain and wet her lips.  I stared into the eyes of this woman and saw confusion and pain...meddled with strength and beauty...and learned about her husband's own cancer diagnosis....her daughter's training in the medical field and about her 5 grandbaby boys.  It's crazy to be honored in a way of caring for someone that you know doesn't have long on this earth....and I take it very seriously.

So, I was administering pain meds....cause God knows how much pain this woman was enduring...and I look up....

...and there is Leslie.

"You met my sissy..."  she says....

...and I BAWL. 

See....she had told me her sister was terminal.  I told her I know how hard it is...told her I would pray...send positive thoughts, the whole deal....but now...

...I'm her nurse....

...and I KNOW her. 

And in one swift whirlwind, everything flashes back to me...and I'm worried about Leslie.  I've been there...devastated...pissed the fuck off....sad....you want to be hopeful, but you are also realistic...you can't even grasp it -- it's just too fast....and it's just too much -- you want to throw up, punch someone and grab your loved one and say how much you love them...how sorry you are...how much you wish you could change it...change that...change this...    I literally lost my composure...with 10 people in the room....and had to excuse myself.

My beautiful friend.
My beautiful patient.

So I did my best -- I'd like to say that I am the best I can be for each and every patient, but I felt this duty in my soul.  When they decided on hospice, I wept.  I specifically pulled the oncologist aside and said "are you sure there is nothing that can be done?"  I did my job.  I fulfilled the duties asked of me.  I kept her pain medication up and helped transport her to hospice...and when they left...Leslie asked me "are we doing the right thing?"  and I fumbled my words, cause I'd asked the same question with my dad.  "It doesn't seem like you have a choice...I wish there was something else I could say."  And in a swoop, they were gone.

We've sent messages since then...Leslie's daughter and my patient's daughter also commented to me.  It's NOT about me but the words were kind. 

Today, I found out that she passed away though the night.  How crazy fast and unbelievably difficult.  And I bleed for this family. I wish there was something I could do.

Instead...I'll just be there....be here....and when Leslie is ready, I'll be ready too....and if that time never comes...well, we can just have a quiet comfort that the other person just "knows"

...and perhaps... we can hit the next concert:  together.  Because I do know that happiness and joyfulness does return.  And I can't wait to be there when it does.

OUCH!

The boys each have a friend over and my nephews are here too -- 6 boys...they've eaten, played and now are watching tv together. 

                     

All that means that I have free time!  So I'm sitting here looking up the recent actions on the Arizona Medical Board.  (I have odd pastimes, I'm aware of this.)  Most of them are pretty minor, in my opinion.... but this one made me laugh or choke...or well, shake my head...  Check this out!  

Basically, his divorce, particularly his EX is perhaps worse than mine.

The way I see it going down -- they met -- she loved the money, then she loved the perks and ended up loving her meds.  Guessing ole' Dr. Hecht cheated on her and in the midst of the worst divorce in history, stupid psycho ex-wife pulls out all the low blows and rats out her ex-husband.  It turns out he was prescribing her pain meds the whole time under her maiden name and NOW she thinks it's unethical.

What a bitch.

Anyway, the doc managed to skate away with a letter of reprimand...

That's a win in my book.

And I'm guessing the divorce is finalized by now.

That's a win/win in my book.     :)  

Surprise! Another Welcome Home Wednesday brings me to my keyboard...



Last day of 6th grade



1st day of Kindergarten





What a couple of weeks!  Our lives are pretty busy -- always full of fun and love.  It's the end of the school year which has me reminiscing about earlier days.  I read my blog about Dane's first day of kindergarten the other day:  Dane's in Kindergarten...  (that's a clickable link)  it's on my previous blog -- Striving to be Erma.  I love and hate that blog.  There are so many memories...I've been bloggin quite a while...but it ended up being terribly depressing and hateful due to the very sad condition I was in at the time...and the blog had to be changed (a modern version of the page had to be turned) for me to grow..... and it made me cry.  I know, I know...I cry a lot.  But the pictures....the memories...such a happy place.  And, the acknowledgement that so much has changed.  My son has been through so much.  His Grandpa's death, his parents divorced, both parent's have remarried, he has a step-dad and a step-mom (and step brothers) and he's moved 4 times....yet school has always been consistent.  And, you know what?  My boy thrived.  Better than that....he conquered school -- great grades...great friends....  So, now he's moving on to Junior High -- and I can hardly breathe.  I'm proud of my boy.  I know he is a one of a kind kid.  He will be fine.  I'm pretty sure that I will be too...but I miss being so needed in his world.  Yet, I want him to grow...and learn...and fly.