Wait!? I can pick my own topic!? NICE....

Two things are weighing on my mind a lot lately....divorce and Vietnam. Odd? Ya, I know. The divorce thoughts are not even directly because of the one I was so blessed to be a part of (snicker snicker) but moreso that of a few of my friends. I hear stories and my mind wonders back to a time when x, y, or z happened to me too. I am so disappointed in the husbands of these relationships and yes, I realize I am only getting one side of the story. I've also realized that the reason I am only getting one side is because only one person is telling me. LIGHTBULB MOMENT: My friends didn't necessarily pick a side in my divorce...perhaps, we picked it for them.

Anyway, that's entirely drab, so I will go on to my next topic. Vietnam -- further...what led up to the conflict, why the United States got involved and what the American people were told. I've always been very interested in the Vietnam war. Partly because it wasn't so long ago and the media has trash-hounded it like mad with movies, books, plays, songs (you get the picture) and partly because there were so many social implications that followed our involvement (and I'm a bleeding liberal heart). I felt I had a decent grasp on what went on over there but craved an unending desire to learn more.

uh, scratch that last part....

I have to take a history class for ASU -- the only general education requirement different than U of A's apparently -- and i figured "there's no better time than now to learn about something I'm actually interested in." (Take that as you will considering I'm enrolled in classes to get my BSN in Nursing...) So, I enrolled in HIS 456: The Viet Nam War.

This class is INTENSE. It's a 7 1/2 week course which spans from the 1945-1975. I know many of you don't realize what that means. It means in 54 days we will have to grasp what happened in 10.950 days (feel sorry for me yet?) It means we are studying the era from post WWII (the French involvement with Vietnam...Communism vs Nationalism) all the way through the increased involvment of the U.S from 1954-1964) to DIRECT US involvement in 1965 through the blood bath and political rhetoric from 1968 - 1973) and then post war ramifications from 1973 - 1975. (side note: it leads up promptly to my birthday....hehehe a good time to end the class...in 1975).

^I just learned that...not copied from my syllabus....really.^ Kinda impressed with myself.

Anyway, we are studying the time when Johnson and his government decided to quietly lie to the American people about why we were getting involved the way that we were --more than just financially, but by actually putting B52s up in the sky and our soilders on the ground. (I find it VERY interesting that this lying and manipulating led him to win another term of Presidency against Goldwater -- a staggering win of 62% or something -- when Johnson was taking all the steps to do JUST what GOLDWATER was saying needed to be done -- to ESCALATE war tactics...ugh, frustrating)

You guys, this was WAS SO CORRUPT from the get-go. At every turn there is misinformation and false promises. It is disgusting.

No, I won't bore you with politics or waritics (i like that term...just made it up) but I will say studying this class has hurt my brain -- and my heart. It has made me really THINK about the wars our country has been involved in, especially this Iraqi War of late. We are all fucking sheep. Sorry for the F bomb mama...it's true. We listen to the presidential speeches and read the scholarly articles in newspapers and magazines around the world -- what it comes down to -- we are not PRIVY to shit as far as information. If anyone truly believes that "their candidate" will follow through on the promises he/she makes on television (while wearing the perfect suit, perfect smile, having the perfect speech and perfect cookie cut hand wave)...you are delusional. WHO CARES WHAT THEY SAY! We will never know the chess moves they are playing. We will never truly understand the motives -- for each person carries different ones. We will never understand the true implications and cost -- because there is an argument everywhere you look "based on facts." We will NEVER know the lives that have been lost, the mismanagement of funds, warfare and power. We will never know about the laws broken, the treaties untrought (not a word but I'm rolling....) It's TERRIFYING! The best we can hope for is some teeensy bit of truth and some person at the helm believing we can be a better country because of x, y, and z.

It scares the shit out me. A lot of my disdain is because my husband is a US Army Veteran and very proud of his time overseas and I get paralyzed with fear thinking about it. I always assumed to be in the military you have to be a bit of a sheep....but I think THOSE men and women know more then we do -- then our neighbor does, than our damn President and Congress knows. WHO VOTES FOR THESE PEOPLE!! I'm just scared to death...

I have so much more to share....but I need to enjoy the 73 degree, beautiful Arizona Spring day....

...more to be continued...I assure you.

Day 30!!!!! A picture of someone you miss

MY DAD

John Francis Kealy 6/20/1944 - 8/16/2007

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

This is my baby...in all his magnificent, cocky, happy, modeling, slightly annoying, tad bit obnoxious, beautiful, loving, independent, bratty, sassy, funny, silly, full-of-attitude, Cole.

Everything about him makes me smile and this priceless shot shows how very spunky he is and how truly happy he feels inside.

My son. My love. My smiles.

Day 29 - A picture of something you're afraid of

This was the easiest to pick....then the most difficult to get a picture of....I swear I have the creeps! I hate these things.....how in the WORLD do people live where there are alligators??? I'm sorry Crocodile Hunter....you were a fool....may you rest in peace in some swampy marsh somewhere wrestling these giant beasts....please take them all, fulfill your afterlife.... YUCK!

Day 27 - A picture of you and a family member

This is my oldest brother, Johnny. (I say "oldest" with a smile -- he is a twin -- but alas, he was born first.) My brothers mean the world to me and they always have. They are 8 years older than I am but we have always been really close. I suppose maybe the age difference helped that be possible. When they were around, I felt like they were the coolest. Their friends wrestled with me and their girlfriends took my friends and me to 7-11 for Slurpee's and nerds. As we've grown up, I've counted on my brothers - for advice, for money, for help moving (LOL), for friendship or just for a beer.

I worry about Johnny. He is such a beautiful person -- I just wish he would take better care of himself. After my Dad died, JJ began putting way too much pressure on himself. Sure, he is a father-figure of sorts, but he is NOT responsible for any of us. His blood pressure is too high and he drinks too much. He lives a hard life. He works hard and plays harder. People LOVE to be around him. His personality is infectious. He has a way of making you feel like you are invincible. "We are the best of the best, Stone." He's known for repeating to me (Stone is my nickname) and he truly does believe we are meant for greatness simply by having the Kealy blood in our veins. My wish for him is that he will find a very special someone and settle down a bit. I would love to see him be a father (even in a step father role) and I wish he would take a more active role in his nephews lives. My kids think the world of him. Perhaps 2012 will bring JJ some peace and a solid base to stand on....

...and hopefully he will be around us all more.

Day 26 - A person of someone who means a lot to you

This one is really hard for me. I understand that is pretty strange. Of course there are the obvious answers -- my husband, my children, my mom, sisters, brothers...but those have all already been answered and blogged about. Maybe I'm getting tired of this little "day picture challenge" (there are 30 days in total, so I'm on the final stretch)...or maybe it's because so many people mean so much. I'm going to roll with this one:

Yup, that's me.

Now before you go and think I'm all self-absorbed, let me explain. This picture means the world to me. I remember EXACTLY what I was thinking at the time. Justin and I were forging a relationship when the world was against it. We went up north, just us two, to a place where my family always felt the closest. Our cabin. While we were there, amongst the laughter and love, we had the greatest long and serious talks. I remember bawling and telling him of things in my past that I wish I could forget and begging him to not let it change his vision of me. I remember him breaking down telling me of the visions in his head of the war he has fought and the lives he has seen leave this world. I remember us both sharing our dreams about the future, where we wanted our relationship to go, who we wanted to be (together and separately.) I remember feeling incredibly real and tortuously vulnerable, but feeling like we were in a bubble and that he made me feel safe. I wanted him to know everything about me and I wanted to know everything about him. More than that, I wanted us to be our truest, most authentic selves, and I really wished that we could figure out how to do that -- together. I think that was when I really fell in love with Justin. We went on a quad ride later that day, and stopped at this wishing fountain. I can promise you, my wish is continuously coming true.

This picture reminds me of how far I've come.

I do love my life. I love that I love hard and fall fast. It makes for a lot of pain in my world, however. Once you have made it into my heart (not always the easiest,) I don't forget you. It's happened to me time and time again...paths separate and lives lead totally different directions...but, I don't wanna let you go. And, I usually don't. It makes sense to me that I am still friends with all of my ex's...and am always the friend to remember birthdays and such...because they every person, every event...is etched in my heart, to stay. What therapy has taught me is that it is okay to love like I love as long as I am willing to long like I long and sometimes feel betrayed or hurt by people who don't do things like I do. What time has taught me is that there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I am me. It's in the air I breath and the blood that pumps in my veins.

I've always been a confident person. I know that I am not the prettiest, smartest, skinniest, bravest, truest, funniest, etc. person but I rank pretty high in all categories. :) What's important for the adult me to remember is that I have to face the "man in the mirror" and the God I believe will welcome my spirit one day and they deserve to be respected and honored. The people who I choose to surround me better lift me up and hope for the same in return. The people around me better guide me and nurture me without condemnation or duty because I want to do that for them. The people around me better love me and like me for they have already busted the walls down and are in my heart forever. The people around me better love themselves and be confident in who they are and when they are down, they better trust me when I say how beautiful they are. WE are worth it.

The people that I chose to be in my life....are my life. So when I see that person in the picture above, I know I was wishing that I'd find a life a worth. People of substance. Love to sustain. And, I prayed that I would be the woman that I am today...

So yes....that person is me. And *I* mean a lot to me.

My brother always tells me that "we are the best of the best." And, by damn, who am I to disagree?