Hey Facebook, delete me!

It's been brought to my attention that I am "almost too positive,"  "too happy," or that we are "too in love,"  and that my family "seems too perfect" and perhaps I should "brag less so people don't feel worse about themselves."

Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.

So I'm going to bring it to blog land with the intentions to put my mind to rest about it.

The truth is...you know nothing about me if you think any of those things.  You see, we are not friends.  We aren't real life friends, online friends and probably not friends on paper, either.

You don't know about the struggles I have had.   You don't know about the personal demons that always tempt me.  You don't know about my weaknesses or my pain.  You don't know about my childhood.  You don't know about my horrible divorce.  You don't know about the bitter betrayal of a close friend (who went on to marry that ex-husband).  You don't know about the loss of many friendships.  You don't know about the children I've lost, or any of the pregnancies I have had that were wrought with fear and tears.    You don't know that my Dad died when I needed him the most and you mustn't know how devastating his loss has been for me on an everyday basis.  You don't know about how I struggled to find myself.  You don't know I lost a job that really mattered to me.  You don't know about my legal troubles.  You weren't there when I broke off an engagement months before the wedding.  You haven't wiped away my tears or heard my screams of disappointment.  You have no idea about my depression that ultimately almost took my life.  You have no idea how close I was.  You know nothing about the lingering panic attacks and anxiety.  You didn't see me struggle through nursing school, painfully, amidst blood sweat and tears while working full time and losing precious time with my children. You don't know about my financial situation then (or now.)  You don't know how I packed up what was left, walked away from my bankrupt life and went home to my mom's house with my tail between my legs.  You don't know about my job or how demanding it is physically and mentally to be a nurse.  You don't know about my health conditions.  Specifically, you don't know about my cancer history, or my blood clotting conditions.  You don't know how disruptive my relationship with my ex-husband is for my life and my poor children.  You don't hear the conversations I have with my boys about their worries and fears. You don't know about the worry I have for my loved one's health that literally is fading away in front of my eyes.  You don't know how terrified I am (almost paralyzed with irrational fear) that something will happen to someone I love.

You don't know my children, either.  You don't know how resilient these boys are.  You don't know the confusion that they had when the divorce happened.  You didn't see their tears when they asked me why Daddy was kissing my friend.  You don't know how difficult it was for them to bounce from one house to another.  You didn't see them struggle and forget things here and there and still get berated for it.  You didn't see them when they cried themselves to sleep, or begged me to stay home when I had to get to school or work.  You didn't see them juggle their time and space when I couldn't be with them.  You haven't heard their problems.  You weren't there when we lost our electricity and moved across town with Grandma.  You weren't up with them at 4 in the morning so they could get to school on time.   You haven't seen the bald spots from anxiety, paid extra bills for the broken bracket on the braces (more anxiety).  You haven't seen them both strive for perfection, sometimes getting it and sometimes not.  You don't know their hearts.  You don't know their struggles.

And you certainly don't know my relationship with my husband.  You have no idea how hard we fought for this love.  You don't know why we started or why we continued.  You don't know about his military service, couldn't imagine the things he's seen and done.  You don't know about the physical fights and harassment we endured from my ex.  You don't know our legal troubles from bad decisions we have made.  You don't know how the job losses or house relocations nearly destroyed us.  You don't know how we struggled to get me through nursing school.  You don't know how many times we broke each other's heart by trying to figure out who we are and what we wanted.  You don't hear about any infidelities, lies, pain and hurt.  You don't remember us breaking up "for good" cause you weren't there for either of us.  And, you don't remember when we rekindled.  You aren't there for the counseling sessions and you don't wipe away our tears from past hurts.  You haven't been there for the numerous pregnancy losses, each one more painful then the next.  You haven't been there for the family hospitalizations and family dramas with drugs, jail, and everyday nonsense.  You aren't there in the middle of the night when his night terrors are full force literally shaking your from your sleep with no end in sight.  You don't see our bank account.  You don't pay our bills.  You don't hear our conversations about worries and the future. In fact, you have never helped us up, only tried to push us down.

So, while, I don't feel the need to always defend myself, per se, to the negative people, I will say that you don't know us...we are not friends.  With that in mind, I'm cleaning "facebook" house and I encourage you to do the same.  See, the thing here is this: I am super positive and blessed by God to live this life I'm leading.   I am happy.  My life is really great. I am madly in love with my husband and find him more beautiful (and sexy) with each passing moment.   Right now, nothing is perfect, but it's all perfect for me.  I also know that it won't always be this way.  I live a life of high highs and low lows.  I've never been one for mediocrity and I don't expect that to change.  I've learned a lot in counseling.  I have learned that I will always be a work in progress.  Our counselor jokingly said that Justin and I both have OCD and ADD.  "Everything has to be perfect, you just don't know how to keep it that way for very long."  :)  It is inherently true and that makes our relationship -- our lives -- an experience not for the faint of heart--, but it is ours.  <3>

I do however feel a bit guilty about the last thing.  If, in fact, my happiness makes you feel bad, that just sucks.  So please...do yourself a favor and delete the heck out of me so you won't need to feel any worse.

....nothing in the world would make me happier.  :)

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 42 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...

14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

22. The most important sex organ is the brain.

23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

25. Always choose life.

26. Forgive but don’t forget.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..

31. Believe in miracles.

32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

34. Your children get only one childhood.

35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

39. The best is yet to come...

40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

41. Yield.

42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."