Friday, Sept 30....and I'm feeling....well, I'll leave it at that. I'm feeling.

• Since I wrote last:

The Good:

• The boys had their parent/teacher conferences. Both of my children are equally fantastic. Of course, I already knew that, but it sure is nice to hear. Their grades are beautiful, but even more so, THEY are very well liked by their teachers and classmates. I'm raising smart, precious, mindful children and that means the world to me.


• Buddhism came up in Dane's conference. It's funny how those things happen. Then yesterday, my son jumped in the car very excited. "Mom, my teacher wants me to give this to you." It was a book, Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh and a Buddhist magazine called Shambhala Sun. I was moved. It's the small things and I am grateful for that.


• I finished both my cardiac and nuero recertifications for work just under the Oct. 1 deadline.


• The boys start fall break after today -- which, to me, means MEXICO!!! Can't wait to return to the place where our family circle was completed.


• Football is going great -- both boys are excelling on the field...and Baskin Robbins is happy about it. (They get a scoop of ice cream for each touchdown.) Dane actually "willed" a scoop to Cole last night as Cole ran out and REAAAALLY wanted two scoops...Dane has 4 in reserves, lol, but offered one of his credits to his little brother. Happiness all the way around. It was kind of a sweet moment, really.

The Bad:

• I've been very short tempered with Justin lately. I don't really know why, but I've been feeling less than my uber confident self and it shows. Self doubt...it's a painful thing. I guess having gone through so much bullshit, I have a very difficult time believing that true happiness is obtainable, so I sabotage it.


• At a very vulnerable time personally, Justin reconnected with his ex-wife and her son (that he raised for 8 years) via facebook. Innocent as it is, it's painful to me. His understanding of my feelings and actions taken to assure his love and commitment to our family has somehow got me feeling worse.


• My son's favorite coach -- and one of my favorite people -- has been let go from the organization due to some ridiculous differences in opinions. It's gotten ugly and a whole bunch of "he said/she said" nonsense that has people's feelings hurt and reputations tarnished. What it boils down to for me is that both of my boys are sad and there's nothing I can do about it.

Actually it feels better writing about it -- today, the boys are in school and then at Sunshine's for the weekend. I am going to read my new book, sit in the peace and quiet of my lovely home, perhaps get my nails/toes done and wait for my husband to come home to me. Tomorrow, we will go to Coolidge for both boys games. Sunday starts day 1 of 3 in a row at work and then VIVE MEXICO!!

It's been too long

There are a lot of things going on in this head of mine, however, I really don't know if any of it is bloggable material. Things have been really busy. Football has pretty much taken spot front and center in our lives. We love this time of year. If it's not Titan football (games and practices) for the boys -- it's fantasy football and the other football pool that we are in. And, there's is always work.... And, of course, there are the disappointments -- the things that people do and the feelings I tend to have towards those actions (and those people.) It's brutal. It breaks down my psyche. I need to be stronger than that. So I continue living and growing. There is a very fine line between putting myself out there - risking with the possiblity of greatness and putting a wall up -- risking loneliness vs finding safe solidarity. I have the hardest time letting go. I know that it is my issue, I place too much pride in friendships and bonds - sometimes people come into your life...to...leave. And, I have to leave it at that.

Someone once said to me, "pray about it." This person is just about the furthest from "GOD" that I know - doesn't believe in God...or himself, for that matter. Yet, I'm listening to his words, and holding on to a better time and hope for a better future... Praying about it.

I have been blessed...