My patient didn't make it to hospice.
Died this morning...while I was blogging about him.
I don't believe that was coincidence.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I'm feeling very random today...
a very strange mixture of a completely zen-like peaceful feeling to one of wanting to crawl out of my skin and reinvent life, find something, reach deeper, move mountains.
This is when I'm at my best. A definite writing mood...so watch out
I am so fucking satisfied with life.
This weekend was the best. It started early with the boys getting out of school early on Thursday "simply because." Cole had his big birthday night celebration with Grandma. He spent the night with her and got some real one on one time with the only other woman that holds such a huge piece of his heart. That meant that I got Dane all to myself! Justin, Dane and I spent Thursday night with Rick and Cliff. Then Friday morning (Good Friday), we went to The Stations of the Cross - and I took Dane to the Science Museum to see Body Worlds.
Dane marvels at science so this was really a special treat for us. Then we went out to ice cream. Justin picked up Cole and we met at football practice. We had a fantastic dinner. Saturday, Cole won his football game and then we all went to a movie (HOP) and came home a decorated Easter eggs. Sunday morning, we woke up early and celebrated the Easter Bunny coming before we parted...
I worked the last two days. No big deal, right? Well, I love Easter -- not only for what it represents (although how can that be surpassed -- truth be told, I never understood why Christmas trumps Easter, but that's neither here nor there) but because my family gets together, gets outside, swims, laughs and just enjoys life. I couldn't be there this year. HOWEVER (yes, in capital letters) my life was. Crazy how time has a way of allowing healing to occur. Justin took the boys to church with my family and spent the day with them all at my Mom's. I got frequent updates and pictures. It was awesome.
Also, on Sunday -- I had a patient who I have had before -- a previous stroke. On Sunday, he told me he remembered me. I remembered him as well. A proud marine still in spirit though his body was 70 years older than those strong days of youth. He was shocked into silence when I thanked him for his service. (That always amazes me -- THANK YOUR VETERANS!!) On Sunday, he told me that my spirit "transcended an earthly realm" and that he remembered my smile. Another stroke had damaged more of his brain, yet this man, took the time to bless me. When I got to work yesterday, this man was different - non responsive - a STAT CT showed another acute large infarct. In all practicality, he will not be waking up. His family made him DNR - I changed the orders - placed that purple band on his wrist and thanked him for touching my life. Today, he will be going to hospice. sigh
The circle of life.
Being faced with death makes me think. This time, I woke up thinking differently. I can't explain it. Death usually makes me think about what I need to change, what I wish I had or hadn't done in my past and what goals I want to reach in my future. Today -- it had me thinking about NOW. I don't care what happened then (or didn't) and I don't want to predict what might happen in the future. I want to love the life I have right now. I woke up to a beautiful man kissing me goodbye. A man that calls me babygirl and tells me often how much he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. A man that loves my children as if they are his own and they love equally as much. A man that works so hard - not only to help provide - but because that is what is at the core of his being. Dedicated. Hard working. Simple. I got out of bed and looked around at my beautiful (albeit very dirty) house and smiled as I turned on some Christian music. Time to wake up and embrace my life. My walls are full of pictures of life -- smiles -- my children, my family, my love. The floors are beautifully filled with the dirty clothes of those I love the most. The dishes in the sink are there because my family ate dinner together and I decided to let the dishes sit while I played with my family. My dogs' tails are wagging, the fish swimming and tortoise veering out to say good morning...I have money in my bank account, a job I treasure, vacation on the horizon...and most of all...I have me. A brain that works and a heart that loves. And for today, I don't care about anything else.
I am so thankful for the few moments that remind me to be present
I honor the proud lives that I am blessed to be surrounded by
and I will always remember - the marine.
This is when I'm at my best. A definite writing mood...so watch out
I am so fucking satisfied with life.
This weekend was the best. It started early with the boys getting out of school early on Thursday "simply because." Cole had his big birthday night celebration with Grandma. He spent the night with her and got some real one on one time with the only other woman that holds such a huge piece of his heart. That meant that I got Dane all to myself! Justin, Dane and I spent Thursday night with Rick and Cliff. Then Friday morning (Good Friday), we went to The Stations of the Cross - and I took Dane to the Science Museum to see Body Worlds.
Dane marvels at science so this was really a special treat for us. Then we went out to ice cream. Justin picked up Cole and we met at football practice. We had a fantastic dinner. Saturday, Cole won his football game and then we all went to a movie (HOP) and came home a decorated Easter eggs. Sunday morning, we woke up early and celebrated the Easter Bunny coming before we parted...
I worked the last two days. No big deal, right? Well, I love Easter -- not only for what it represents (although how can that be surpassed -- truth be told, I never understood why Christmas trumps Easter, but that's neither here nor there) but because my family gets together, gets outside, swims, laughs and just enjoys life. I couldn't be there this year. HOWEVER (yes, in capital letters) my life was. Crazy how time has a way of allowing healing to occur. Justin took the boys to church with my family and spent the day with them all at my Mom's. I got frequent updates and pictures. It was awesome.
Also, on Sunday -- I had a patient who I have had before -- a previous stroke. On Sunday, he told me he remembered me. I remembered him as well. A proud marine still in spirit though his body was 70 years older than those strong days of youth. He was shocked into silence when I thanked him for his service. (That always amazes me -- THANK YOUR VETERANS!!) On Sunday, he told me that my spirit "transcended an earthly realm" and that he remembered my smile. Another stroke had damaged more of his brain, yet this man, took the time to bless me. When I got to work yesterday, this man was different - non responsive - a STAT CT showed another acute large infarct. In all practicality, he will not be waking up. His family made him DNR - I changed the orders - placed that purple band on his wrist and thanked him for touching my life. Today, he will be going to hospice. sigh
The circle of life.
Being faced with death makes me think. This time, I woke up thinking differently. I can't explain it. Death usually makes me think about what I need to change, what I wish I had or hadn't done in my past and what goals I want to reach in my future. Today -- it had me thinking about NOW. I don't care what happened then (or didn't) and I don't want to predict what might happen in the future. I want to love the life I have right now. I woke up to a beautiful man kissing me goodbye. A man that calls me babygirl and tells me often how much he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. A man that loves my children as if they are his own and they love equally as much. A man that works so hard - not only to help provide - but because that is what is at the core of his being. Dedicated. Hard working. Simple. I got out of bed and looked around at my beautiful (albeit very dirty) house and smiled as I turned on some Christian music. Time to wake up and embrace my life. My walls are full of pictures of life -- smiles -- my children, my family, my love. The floors are beautifully filled with the dirty clothes of those I love the most. The dishes in the sink are there because my family ate dinner together and I decided to let the dishes sit while I played with my family. My dogs' tails are wagging, the fish swimming and tortoise veering out to say good morning...I have money in my bank account, a job I treasure, vacation on the horizon...and most of all...I have me. A brain that works and a heart that loves. And for today, I don't care about anything else.
I am so thankful for the few moments that remind me to be present
I honor the proud lives that I am blessed to be surrounded by
and I will always remember - the marine.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A Mother's Prayer for Her Child....
“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”
-Tina Fey
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”
-Tina Fey
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I hate disappointment....there is no worse feeling in the world...
it's hopeless and helpless...and I can't stand feeling that way. I'm tired of giving the benefit of the doubt to people who truly don't deserve it. Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. 
The troubling fact with disappointment is that you don't feel that emotion unless you truly care about the situation. And that disappointment stems from the fact that you are walking down a one way street - the other person simply doesn't feel the way that you do.
Family members that let you down.
Friends that aren't honest.
Lies from those you want to trust.
People who walk away when you wish they would stay.
I suppose, there is a bright side -- to be disappointed means that you are willing to take a chance - a leap of faith. I like that we have second chances (or perhaps third, fourth or twentieth!) I certainly am in a relationship that has blossomed due to such a renewal. A blessing. There is just such a beautiful rebirth to forgiveness and fresh starts, isn't there?
But over and over -- the blows continue.
The heartache.
The disappointment.
What is the price that ultimately makes it too expensive to lay it all on the line yet again?
~Deep thoughts by Kristen Kealy
The troubling fact with disappointment is that you don't feel that emotion unless you truly care about the situation. And that disappointment stems from the fact that you are walking down a one way street - the other person simply doesn't feel the way that you do. Family members that let you down.
Friends that aren't honest.
Lies from those you want to trust.
People who walk away when you wish they would stay.
I suppose, there is a bright side -- to be disappointed means that you are willing to take a chance - a leap of faith. I like that we have second chances (or perhaps third, fourth or twentieth!) I certainly am in a relationship that has blossomed due to such a renewal. A blessing. There is just such a beautiful rebirth to forgiveness and fresh starts, isn't there?
But over and over -- the blows continue.
The heartache.
The disappointment.
What is the price that ultimately makes it too expensive to lay it all on the line yet again?
~Deep thoughts by Kristen Kealy
Thursday, April 7, 2011
'I Hope You Dance... '
This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.
Dear Bertha,
I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.
I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.
"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now
I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was.
I'm guessing; I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.
Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God."
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Today is a "getter' done" kind of day...
I woke up this morning determined to have the day not go to waste. I have to fight back this unending exhaustion and equally determined "blah" mood from ruining my day. I have to clean the house, figure out where we are with money, go see the doctor, make Dane an appt for immunizations and Cole an appointment for his eyes. I want to return clothes, get my car washed and I really want to goto the gym.
Yesterday was my life changing Monday -- see, I've been on the cusp of making some changes in my life. I decided a couple weeks ago that this Monday would be the start. I'm tired of being unhealthy. I need to stop the caffeine (well the majority of it) and eat better. I need to get my thyroid checked and get back on my medication (bad, bad patient.) I need to stop drinking as much and being so lazy.
Justin and I joined a gym on Sunday. He's been twice. I've been zero. (He woke up this morning at 0330 to go before work....yikes. I'm so proud of him and quite frankly, am just as excited for the return of his physique :) hehehe) Now, in my defense, I've worked the last 2 days -- but today -- I have no excuse. It's time to hit the gym -- after my appt for my thyroid checkup, that is. I can do this. I want to do this.
Healthy in body -- healthy in mind.
Focus. I'm an adult. I can make choices that will determine the path of my life. No longer do I plan to sit idly by and roll with the punches. I promise to re-commit to my life, my love, and my children. Focus on family. Love the person in the mirror. Wake up with a smile. Feel at peace with my decisions.
I love me.
I love Justin.
I love Dane.
I love Cole.
Doesn't break down any more simple than that.
Yesterday was my life changing Monday -- see, I've been on the cusp of making some changes in my life. I decided a couple weeks ago that this Monday would be the start. I'm tired of being unhealthy. I need to stop the caffeine (well the majority of it) and eat better. I need to get my thyroid checked and get back on my medication (bad, bad patient.) I need to stop drinking as much and being so lazy.
Justin and I joined a gym on Sunday. He's been twice. I've been zero. (He woke up this morning at 0330 to go before work....yikes. I'm so proud of him and quite frankly, am just as excited for the return of his physique :) hehehe) Now, in my defense, I've worked the last 2 days -- but today -- I have no excuse. It's time to hit the gym -- after my appt for my thyroid checkup, that is. I can do this. I want to do this.
Healthy in body -- healthy in mind.
Focus. I'm an adult. I can make choices that will determine the path of my life. No longer do I plan to sit idly by and roll with the punches. I promise to re-commit to my life, my love, and my children. Focus on family. Love the person in the mirror. Wake up with a smile. Feel at peace with my decisions.
I love me.
I love Justin.
I love Dane.
I love Cole.
Doesn't break down any more simple than that.
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