School is in session! This Mom's reflection of new beginnings....

It's always a little bittersweet.  The start of school is just another reminder that time goes quickly -- and my boys are growing like weeds.  This year was significantly more stressful.  My oldest is starting Junior High.  I will admit to having to fight back the tears when we went and picked up his schedule and toured the school.  I remember vividly doing that myself when I was going into 7th grader, so how in the world was it possible that my child was in 7th grade!?  And then my youngest is starting at a new school too...4th grade but in an honors school that he tested into (I have such reservations about this type of segregation...)  I'm just so not impressed with this school, but he wants to try (and frankly, his Dad insisted.)  So two boys + two new schools = almost TOO much for this mamabear.

First Day of School

So today is Friday -- and the week has gone exceptionally well.  I really can't complain.  The boys both seem to really like their schools.  The homework has started and we are back on a schedule complete with practices and bedtimes.  I'm proud of myself, too.  My work schedule is such that I only worked on Wednesday this school week.  I've had a lot of time to be by myself.  I've been reading and decluttering.  It feels good.  I even have been trying to take some baby steps into helping my children find their independence.  First day I drove to school: 

Then, I drove them to the bus stop (first time ever on buses):

 
Then today, I let them WALK to the bus stop.  Dane walked Cole to his (it's about 1/2 a mile away) and then walked back to his:

OF COURSE (I'm sure you were going to ask,) I did stalk them...and drove to each bus stop to be sure that they got there on time and in one piece.  :) 

So, the plan is that they are going to be walking to the bus stop -- and then after school, Cole will have to wait for Dane's bus (10 minutes) and then they can walk home together.  We are hoping that we will all be comfortable enough with this that they will be able to do it even when I am off to work. 

I'm assuming they will have no problem with it -- I'm anticipating that I will.  Sigh. 

My loves!

School is about to start again...

As usual, the anxiety is starting to sneak in.  What is different about this year? Both boys will be going to new schools.  I am unsure of just about everything.  They seem excited, so I'm trying to be the best mamabear and roll with it.  My oldest will be riding the school bus...and I will be leaving for work before that...so he will be responsible to get to the bus on time (that is after the dogs are out and the house is locked up.)  I fear the bus...mostly because I was a "mean girl" and I know what happens on those buses...Karma is a bitch -- but especially scary when I'm afraid it will unleash it's fury on my beautiful, kind, tender 12 year old. 

This morning I was listening to music and a Kenny Chesney song came on about living your life different.  "People say they'd never change a thing....Oh, but I would!"   And, I thought to myself...would I change anything and what would it be?  It's no lie that I'm finally in a very happy place.  I absolutely love my life -- I love who I am, the job that I do and the friends I surround myself with.  I have two gorgeous and healthy children, a husband who adores me and money in the bank.  So, in so many ways, would I change the things I have done that ultimately got me where I am today? 

The quick answer is "no."

I wouldn't want the course of my life to change much simply because I am where I am today.  I don't regret any of the stepping stones...However...with that said, there are things that I wish I would have done differently.  I should have been more kind.  There are two specific times when I remember that I was mean...just to be mean.  Why?  I suppose looking back it may be because I craved the attention -- needed to feel power when I really felt weak, etc...but it was just plain mean.  I've since apologized to one of the people I was mean to....she acted like it was no big deal.  We had become friends again but I still felt like I needed to say something to her.  It didn't really make me feel better -- but I do think it made her realize that I do have sorrow for the hurt I caused her...I'd like to think that helped, but maybe it didn't...and that's okay too. 

I don't know...I guess the moral of this rambling is that we just need to be kind to each other.  There are so many times when biting my lip has rewarded me.  It's a lesson I'd love to teach my children.  Do NOT bully -- stand up for the lil guy...  respect each other...use words instead of fists...  JUST BE KIND....and if not...well....send them to me...I've already blown it.  :)

My boys come home today --

I woke up to a text from my oldest....he can't wait to be home...and it just went on from there.  I LOVE my boys...I mean...I literally sit here IN TEARS in love with them...like a kid a Christmas....

...and it's only Wednesday.  July 11, 2012.

But, it's "Welcome Home Wednesday"....and I"ve missed them....like crazy.

The love I feel for them is easy to explain to another Mom.... it's our duty -- our blessing..... but, it's hard to explain to someone who isn't divorced....I have a love/hate relationship with their time with their Dad.  He loves them -- as much as I do.....and I am so blessed that I had married...and had children....with one of the good ones....he LOVES his kids...is a stand up man.... and therefore, deserves time with them.  It's good for the boys -- it's right for their father.  I'm blessed (God, thank you for letting me see the blessing through the hurt) that he married my friend...someone I trust.  (odd...I know.)  Someone I KNOW is a good mom...someone I really do believe that loves my children.  It makes Sunshine a better father....or actually...maybe it doesn't....but it makes me very comfortable sending my children to their home.  I do appreciate her....and my kids do too....that really stands for something....but I hate that they aren't with me all the time.  My baby boy got stung by a scorpion over at his dad's infested house (I hate that house - remember that was "our" house first...actually it still is in my name, but I digress)....he didn't tell me until the next day --  Cole told me he wanted to call but his Dad said no.  I HATE THAT.

Any which way....it's my time now....

Dane tells me....it always is.  "We're always your time, mama" he says.  He tells me "I am" his parent...and he makes no deviance in that.  I am his mom...I am his comfort.

I have a feeling that this kid feels me....and tells me what he thinks I need to hear...things I need to feel.

I'm sorry for that.

It's not his job to ease my heart.  I LOVE that he LOVES me....but I know it.  I LOVE that he WORRIES about my heart, but I wish it wasn't necessary.  I LOVE that he wishes to be here... I LOVE that he calls it home...  I LOVE that he tells me how much he misses me...how much he misses Justin.    He says he feels "at peace" here (his words).....  I LOVE that we provide that for him.

Hurry home, Children....and prepare yourself for a whole lotta lovin'