Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day

Couldn't just pick one picture. It was the accumulation of all of it. My wedding day in Mexico. Getting married...as a family. And, then just truly enjoying each other on the beach. It was perfect. Truly perfect. Makes me smile thinking about it still....

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

It's becoming a real health issue. I am so bad on my body...my blood pressure is too high...I'm sure my liver is not so pretty....so January 2 (being realistic here) I'm going to take control of my fat. That means I need to make better choices and make better meals (which takes better planning.) It also means that I need to get my fat ass off the couch (or perhaps more appropriately...off the bar stool,) and exercise. I use to love going for walks. It's all about choices....

You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

We were assigned to read it in high school....in fact, my teacher, Mr. Barber, would read it aloud for us in class....while others slept, I felt it. It was a perfect fit for me. All my friends were dropping out of high school and I was beginning to feel more and more like education was not meant to be learned in a classroom. Have you read it? There were so many undertones that stressed the need of learning vs the need of having a social life in high school.

Mr. Barber -- He was my favorite teacher; it seems like everyone else hated him.... He understood me. Sure, he was a little inappropriate with the girls and sure, he might have been drunk half the time...but he meant well. And he taught well. He pushed me to write. He was the first person to tell me I had a gift. He said he felt my emotions when I wrote; I write, in a large part, because of him. It was also Mr. Barber who beelined for me after the announcement that my dearest friend, Aaron had died. He grabbed me and hugged me and said something that meant a lot to me at the time. The FIRST person who knew that Aaron's death was going to be a pivotol turning point in my life. When the year was over (Aaron died in Feb.) I asked him to sign my yearbook. My yearbook has since been burned in a fire, but from what I remember it told me to appreciate my friends and family. He told me to take the high road (first time I'd really heard that) and that I was smart and needed to make smart decisions. I wonder if he somehow knew I was treading on very shaky waters. I lived on those words for a long time. I wrote him a letter when I was in college just to thank him. I have no idea if he got it or not. Mr. Barber later got fired...I heard for being drunk....who really knows.... but he saved me that year...and should be recognized for supporting my love of writing.... anyway....

I read Catcher in the Rye again as an adult...it moved me more. A couple favorite passages....

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry." (24.60-62)

I just love that. Education to me was cut and dry but seriously, people, it isn't. It's much like this blog. Long after I am dead and gone, my children will read my words and learn something (perhaps) from the life I have led....KEEP RECORDS...it's so important to me....a legacy of sorts...and education worth learning.

And my most favorite....a quote that has lived through the times with me:

"Here's what he said: 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.'"

I love that.

Day 22 -- A picture of something you wish you were better at

BEING SUPERMOM!

I simply cannot do everything I wish that I could to be the kind of Mom I wish I was. I can't be in 2 places at once. (I can't fly to get there quicker either, even though I've been known to have quite the lead foot.) I am happy that I can provide a roof over their heads and food in the refrigerator, but that means that I have to work and be away from them and their activities from time to time. And even though I pride myself on my multi-tasking skills, I don't have 20 hands or a brain that can concentrate on both kids homework at the same time, so I am torn. Let's talk about homework for a moment...I have a college degree, a nursing degree and am currently getting more schooling, but sometimes, I have a pee brain when it comes to 6th grade math. I try to teach my boys respect, kindness and the golden rule, but I still cry with them when people are less than nice on the playground or on the football field. I'm proud of how I act and look, but I still tend to embarrass them when I cheer too loud, get a little PLC (parking lot crazy) or wear my PJs when I have to run into the office to drop off their lunch. And, while I might be able to fix their booboos or get us in quicker in the hospital ED, I can't cushion every fall and make them not get hurt. Today, I can give them a happy home, but I can't guarantee a happy future (the past has taught us that.)

I wish there was a way to be SUPERMOM for my children...

I've tried.

I've looked.

I've searched.

There just isn't....

so I'll leave you with my motto.

"I'm doing the very best that I can."

Day 21: A picture of something you regret

I'm not being silly here, either. This is a very sincere answer. Sure, there are many things I should have done differently; people I wish I didn't hurt. But, truly, my life is my life and I've lived every decision I've made (or done without thinking.) And, you know what? I'm okay. I'm better than okay.... I am happy. I am me.

.....the closest thing I have to regret.....is that my father knew I was getting a divorce when he died. Contrary to what you might think, I don't regret being married, or what led up to me not being married any longer. What I regret is that my dad....the man that means/meant the most to me was disappointed in me. Period. (crap, cue in the tears...again.) In his dying days, he would talk to me about Sunshine. The last few real conversations were about how hurt HE was that we were split. I hate that. I hate that those last days were shaded by my consumption of the devastation of the loss of my marriage and betrayal of my husband with someone I thought was a friend. My dad was a fiercely religious man and believed in the sanctity of marriage just as much. Oh hell, I know he wasn't perfect. He made many mistakes (my mom is the real angel here) but he loved 100%. When you were in his good graces, he never gave up.

He.......saw........me........give........up.

I'd like to think he is with me today....and that he sees that it was all worth it. But in my heart, I know that he would still want Sunshine and I together. He loved our love....and that says something. My dad truly loved us. I sometimes wonder if things would have been different if he lived...not that we would still be married, but I wonder if all the nastiness would have happened. Sunshine respected my Dad...and I sometimes wish that my Dad would smack him upside the head and make him see how truly disgusting and disrespectful some of his choices are. When my Dad died, I lost that. I lost having someone that would really go to bat for me. Plus, Dad knew about Justin, but never got the chance to know him. I know that if he met Justin and gave him a chance, he would love him. Justin is a hard worker. He lays it on the line. There is absolutely nothing that my husband wouldn't do for me....or my children...and my Dad would LOVE and respect that....

sigh...

Aw, it's all for naught (I love that saying!)...it is what it is (I hate that saying!)....

Life goes on.

Day 20 -- A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

HAWAII

It's always been a dream of mind to travel to Hawaii. It is the beach, the clear waters, the tropical paradise that draws me there. If NOT for the large commercial marketing and advertising push, the extremely expensive vacation packages or the hyped up costs for virtually everything you want to do, I would have made my dream a reality. At this point in my life, there are many (MANY) things I would rather (and that I should) spend my money on. However, I do hope for a time when money doesn't play such a large roll in my day to day life -- and then perhaps, I'll get there.

"I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand.

Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand.

Life is good today, life is good today." (ZBB)

Day 19: A picture and a letter

Honestly, I'm doing my Christmas cards -- and that's as close to a "letter" you are going to get out of me today.

It's a shame, really -- that the written word has been disintegrated into emails, twitter, facebook, texting, skype, etc... there is true beauty in a well written letter. Perhaps, I'll take up letter writing in the new year....or perhaps not.

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity

** Disclaimer: this is not me. **

But sometimes, truth be told, it may as well be.

I am a secure person -- almost, perhaps too secure. I always joke that I'm a reverse anorexic. I look in the mirror and see a skinny person.

I'm not kidding.

BUT...I hate my stomach. It's WHITE and jiggly....and, sure, it's housed two beautiful boys and god knows how many beers, but I just don't like it. It's scarred and stretch marked and I end up trying to cover it up all the time. I love my heritage, but i wish I got something else from my father....

There's it's out... (well, my stomach always was)...

do you feel better about yourself now?

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

I am currently taking classes at ASU to get my RN to BSN degree and it's taking every last minute of my free time. It's hard enough for this U of A graduate to even SAY I'm going to ASU much less post the symbol on my blog. It's exhausting and time consuming. I am writing papers about subjects I could care less about. It is not making me a better nurse...it's pissing me the fuck off. It's expensive and it's dumb and I just want it over.

...one more week...

Truth is, I just have Christmasitis -- it's kind of like Senioritis -- but worse.

Uhhhhh, fork 'em????

Day 16: A picture of someone who inspires you

The Dalai Lama

A beautiful soul that considers himself merely a "simple buddhist monk." This man and his demeanor are incredible to me. The kindness and compassion he holds is truly beautiful.

My spiritual journey is something that I hold onto fiercely. It is not up for debate nor is it worthy of such. I am finding my way to let goodness and love fill up my heart and hopefully feel a sense of peace with my surroundings. Buddhism has taught me to stop telling myself the story but to take everything at face value. That is not easy, my friends. As human beings we try to predict what will happen, "If I say XYZ, he will respond XYZ" or "He did this to me, he must be doing it because of that..." it's helped me insurmountably with Sunshine. I think I've villinafied him terribly. In truth, he's not that complicated and further, he wants happiness and desires not to suffer as much as I do. We can help each other be happy. We can lessen each other's suffering.

ya, it is powerful...but I suck and generally just wanna push his rude, pathetic fat ass down a flight of stairs most the time....

...hey, I never said I was perfect. :)

So that said, His Holiness inspires me to be better, be kinder, be simple. And when those times grace my life, I feel blessed!

So I'll leave you with a few of my favorite sayings:

Don´t try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist; use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are.

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you
can't help them, at least don't hurt them.

Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.

Ketika kita masih kecil dan setelah kita lanjut usia, kita sangat tergantung kepada orang-orang lain. Di antara masa itu, kita merasa bisa melakukan segala sesuatu tanpa bantuan orang lain, sehingga menganggap perhatian sesama tidak penting. Padahal dalam tahap ini perlu sekali bagi kita untuk memelihara cinta kasih yang mendalam antar sesama manusia. (just kidding, I just threw this one in to fuck with you.)

Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.

If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.

Every single being, even those who are hostile to us, is just as afraid of suffering as we are, and seeks happiness in the same way we do. Every person has the same right as we do to be happy and not to suffer. So let's take care of others wholeheartedly, of both our friends and our enemies. This is the basis for true compassion.

Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.

Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something,and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent.

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Whether one is rich or poor, educated or illiterate, religious or non believing, man or woman, black, white, or brown, we are all the same. Physically, emotionally, and mentally, we are all equal. We all share basic needs for food, shelter, safety, and love. We all aspire to happiness and we all shun suffering. Each of us has hopes, worries, fears, and dreams. Each of us wants the best for our family and loved ones. We all experience pain when we suffer loss and joy when we achieve what we seek. On this fundamental level, religion, ethnicity, culture, and language make no difference.

Time passes unhindered. When we make mistakes, we cannot turn the clock back and try again. All we can do is use the present well.

Instead of wondering WHY this is happening to you, consider why this is happening to YOU.

Day 15: A picture of something you want to do before you die

S K Y D I V I N G

Day 14: A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

I have to cheat...first time I've had to during this little picture dealio that I have going on.... so here it is...a picture of people I could never imagine my life without...
My two beautiful children. (Side note: It's "coming-home Wednesday." Sunshine has had them since Friday...so my mamabear emotions are in full swing).

I could never have imagined how much children change your life. I mean, sure, I always knew they would change my sleeping pattern and I would love my kids completely, but I never realized that children actually CHANGE your HEART and your BRAIN.

Everything I do in my life is for them. Every breath I take and turn I take is done with Dane and Cole first and foremost in my thoughts. It's crazy. I take the blessing of being their mom very seriously. I am not the best Mom in the world, but I know that I am a damn good one. How do I know? Because my babies tell me so. My children absolutely know how much their mom loves them and if I fail at EVERYTHING else, I truly believe that is success.

We've been through so much.

Our life with Sunshine was easy. We were good parents. We balanced each other out well. He's strict. I'm not so much. He worked hard and played hard. I stayed home with our boys. I believe that it was the best situation for my young children. I am grateful that I was able to be home with them every minute (and watched my nephews too!) I saw every first smile, roll over (off the couch, oh vey!), word, bite of food, step, boo boo, full blown giggle, puke, potty success, fight, hit, love, and just utter amazement of the world through their beautiful eyes. (Notice I didn't say "sleep" -- they never frickin slept!) We loved them completely. The times before the divorce were tough...on Dane especially. There were a few fights where Dane would yell in the middle of us (Don't leave. Don't call the police. Don't do this or that.) Sweet Jesus, I am sorry for those. When we split....Dane was 6 and Cole was 3. In retrospect, we acted selfishly, yet, there I was, thrust into a hard world. I was a stay at home mom with a choice to make...

Enter nursing school and a full time job....which fucking sucks. Two years of sweat and tears -- mostly on my part, but definitely not spared on my boys. :( It was hard. I was sparse. I did the very best I could.

I did the very best I could.

In tears now....

I understand that "the best I could" was robbery for my children. They missed quality time with me. We were broke and WE were stressed. I wish I hid things better. I went to a parent-teacher conference with my then 2nd grader...his teacher said he's adjusting well...but she did hear how we lost power and had nothing to eat (gasp!) She told me there were resources to help. I left deflated and in tears. I'm a failure. I turned the corner and my two beautiful boys ran and hugged me tight. I'm a success.

...and that's how it was for the next couple years. They inspired me.

I can't tell you enough, oh blogger land of mine, how terrible my depression was and how much my boys literally saved my life. I have vague memories of that time...but the few I have are killers. One night, we were all cuddled up on the couch watching TV (my boys always suffocate me with love...most parents call it "in their space..." I consider it my lifeline)...and the tears started to fall (no idea why...depression...or just crazy me watching TV, take your pick) and Dane kissed my cheek, grabbed my face with both of his hands and looked me straight in the eyes....

"You are a great mom. You are doing a great job."

SNAP!

Fast forward....nursing school is over... My graduation was probably the peak of the mountain...a beautiful celebration with my children and my family. I conquered so much. Sure, It was the start of a great career, a dream answered...but it also was a proud woman moment of empowerment and self-satisfaction. It was a FUCK YOU to the nay sayers and a FUCK OFF to depression. But more than anything...it gave me the moment, to look in my babies dark brown eyes and say...."WE DID IT!" and see the pride they have in their mom. Finally....

Since then, it's been coasting....beautiful coasting. Picture this fantastic sailboat with my children and myself at the helm....hands up....smiling....sun shining on our happy faces, warmth touching us all...being together...and being happy.They are incredibly smart. They are great students. Straight As and excellent behavior. They are great athletes....champions, actually....and not just in my eyes. But, more than anything...they are incredibly intuitive and kind. They have great friends and are kind to everyone. They aren't afraid to love. They aren't afraid to show emotions. I recently had a friend ask me how to help her children adjust to her divorce like mine have to my divorce....I said "LOVE THEM LIKE CRAZY....'cause that's all I did, and if you get lucky, they will do the rest 'cause that's what Dane and Cole did." PROUD MAMABEAR MOMENT.

We got married this past May...(yes, WE did)...to a man that loves my children almost as much as I do and a man that my children love equally as much. I sometimes feel guilty because it's always "me and my boys." He took a lot on, marrying us. He's not their biological dad...they have a great one. He's more. He's someone they respect and have fun with...He's someone that they go to for advice and help when the "mom and dad" feud gets to be too much (and, uh, the "bird and bees" talk.) They have a special relationship. They are friends...and they love each other. He is proud of them and always front and center at every football game, play, band concert, race, etc...They truly are *his* kids, too. He blesses all of us.... And I will NEVER be selfish with their tender hearts again. We all deserve this.

I love you Dane and Cole....with every fiber in my body, every breath in my lungs and every beat in my heart.... and I thank you...for loving me as much. We've proven that will always be there for each other in the tough times, but may we continue to coast!

Life is good.

Day 13- A picture of your favorite band

VAN HALEN!!

And ONLY the old school Van Halen with David Lee Roth at the mic. I just frickin' loved him.

I have distinct memories of performing a swimming pool/dance with my sister that culminated by us jumping one by one off the diving board to "JUMP!"

Memories of concerts galore. My friends and I would "Dance the Night Away." (Still one of my top favorite 5 songs of all time.) Van Halen kind of took over my high school days and when I listen to them now I remember it well. I dreamed to be a "California Girl" while my guy friends lusted over "Hot for the Teacher." Hell, I even lost my virginity to "Running with the Devil" which led me straight into "You really got Me" and "Ain't talkin bout Love." "Dreams" was one of my basketball warm up songs (insert Sammy Hagar.) And let us never forget how badass Eddie was on Eruption and Panama.

Oh the days of Van Halen....think I'll go listen to them now. :)

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Calm yourself...it says "something" not "someone." "Someone" would be very easy....someTHING? Well, I try not to put too much credence in things, so to say I love something? Well, it goes against the grain, however...I do love my Packers.

My love for the Pack started back when I was a wee one. My brothers played for a Pop Warner Packers team. My favorite color was green (still is) and so it just fit. It was one of the things Sunshine and I connected about in college. In our early days he asked if I watched football. Ha. Do I watch football? I told him my favorite college team was Nebraska and my favorite Pro team was Green Bay. He asked if I knew he was from Green Bay. (I did, but I wasn't about to tell him I stalked him before we actually met.) Never the less, we were 100% about one thing. We loved Green Bay football. After we graduated, we moved to Green Bay. We were very spoiled and got to go to all of the games. His grandfather had several tickets in the stadium; his father had a box. We loved it. Green Bay is the most amazing town. People still care about their neighbors. It's small and perfect -- and if I could uproot my family, I'd still be in Green Bay. In fact, if Sunshine said to me that he wanted to move back but couldn't because of the boys -- I'd be first in line to move back...really.

The Pack won the Superbowl the year that we moved there -- and then made it to the dance, but lost the year after. This year, we won again. I was in Vegas with a group that included my love and one of my best friends. It was perfect.

This season, we are sitting at 11-0....I dare say we are Superbowl bound again....Indiana, here we come.

I just love it.

Day 11 -- A Picture of Something You Hate:

I really don't know what it is about the damn snooze button, but it really pisses me the fuck off. I don't use it. I am tempted to say I hate anyone that does. (And my husband does, which is quite possibly the most annoying thing because I don't have to get up AT ALL, yet there I sit....*alarm blaring* snooze...and I sit in awful anticipation knowing I can't go back to sleep yet because in five fucking minutes that damn thing will be BLARING again! UGH! So he gets kicked -- literally -- out of bed by my moaning groaning pissy morning self...) Look, I am not in hatred of the snooze button because I am some "happy go lucky, go and gettem" kind of people...(I am not)....however, nothing bothers me more than interrupted sleep. How do you avoid interrupted sleep? GET UP WHEN YOU WAKE UP...which, cut and dry, means: when the alarm (THAT YOU SET) goes off (AT THE TIME YOU SET IT FOR,) get the hell up and start your day.

Off my soap box....thank you, thank you very much (of cooooourse, that was in my Elvis voice, silly!!!)

Day 10: A picture of a person you do the most crazy/strange things with

Let me introduce you to my husband, Justin. It's pretty safe to say he's also my partner in crime. No one else quite knows what to do with us! :) From the minute we met to this very day, he is who I want by my side. My mother reads my blog -- so I'm going to refrain from a list of crazy/weird things we have done, do and plan on continuing doing. (I'd hate to have anyone blush on our behalf) But it's a fair bet that we will be hand in hand laughing our asses off, having a blast living life and absolutely loving the company for many moons to come.

Day 9 -- A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

This is my sister, Kerry. I absolutely don't know what I would do without her. Let me just say...well...we have always just been close. I remember playing with her as a little girl and thinking the world of her. We use to bed to sleep in the same room together and I'm not ashamed to say that we cuddled. (I won't tell them you were afraid of the dark...and thunderstorms.) As she grew older (I guess I did too, but it didn't feel like it,) she became tired of her little sister following her around everywhere. But, I did anyway (she's part of the reason I'm as persistent as I am today.) She quickly found a best friend in Mary -- and I quickly adopted Mary as my own sister as well. I just loved their friendship (still do!) I have so many memories...it's too hard to pick a few. But I will try. We grew into very different teenagers. I was a freshman when she was a senior. I didn't play volleyball because she was too good. I went my own direction. I still craved her acceptance, but I grew quickly into ditching school and joining a party crowd. She was very vocal about her disapproval. I hated that she didn't like me. Yet there she was, at every game and at diving meets. She was my sponsor when I got confirmed as "John." Mary and Kerry once called me ("their" baby sister) when Kerry drank too much New Years Eve. And then we shared a wine cooler when I graduated, and then we moved on. She went away to U of A. I made her a "goodbye" CD. I don't think I've ever cried so hard when we drove away (well, except when we left her at choir camp when I was in grade school.) I visited often and eventually we picked up where we left off -- me a freshman and she was a senior away at college. She was my sister, my best friend and kind of a mom away from home (that would buy me alcohol.) We had 90210/Melrose nights and sleep overs when the dorm was too much. She rolled her eyes at me when I'd kiss her friends. She disapproved of Sunshine but grew to love him. She cheered me on when I never thought I'd graduate (she didn't think I would either, I've come to find out.) Then she moved to Massachussetts and met the love her life...that I got to disapprove of...yet grow to love. She was at my graduation from U of A and one of the first to visit in Green Bay. We were engaged close to the same time...and front and center at each other's weddings (firewater!) She let me bawl on the phone for hours after the miscarriage and I still have her card saying she hurt too. (And subsequently every lost pregnancy...hers and all of mine...we were back on that damn phone.) We sent pictures of positive pregnancy tests and prayed and hoped together. After I had Dane, she was right there (she just wanted my maternity clothes, I think.) and she helped me move back to AZ (and subsequently move, move, move and move again.) Our families blended. We are both our kids Godmothers -- and our husbands were fast friends. Our kids will forever think "cousins" are just brothers that live a mile or so away. She teaches at my boys school -- (in fact, she has oldest for Social Studies this year.) We would go out all the time -- happy hours -- bunco -- girls trips. Our girlfriends really became "our girlfriends." We would tease how she was solid, stable and virtually boring as hell...and I was crazy, spontaneous and virtually unstable. Tough times hit. Dad died. It was brutally painful for the both of us. A deception of a trusted friend added to the confusion...for both of us. Yet, Kerry was there. I literally lost my world and there she was -- holding me together somehow...crying for me when the tears were dry, laughing at my boogers and panic attacks when they were plentiful. Truth is, we both suffered a divorce when Sunshine and I split. Our families suffered. I lost a lot of respect in her eyes for several years there, but she was consistently there...late night phone calls of late night escapades or sob filled SOS's. She always answers the phone (even if it might cause her a divorce...sorry Trav) She was my cheerleader through nursing school (making me always feel a bit guilty I didn't cheer her on throughout her schooling to get her Masters degree.) And, her husband, well...I've grown to absolutely adore him and hold their relationship and his dedication on a pedestal. He is one of the closest people in my life (even wish there were a couple secrets Kerry could keep.) And her boys are absolutely as much my pride and joy as my own. We attend their football games, and she comes to ours. Our boys do things like student council, running club, talent shows, and beat each other up together. She just makes sense out of things. Happy hours with her are still my favorite. The peace I feel inside knowing she's at the boys school is perfect. Girls weekends (unless she's running over my toes or locking me in the car) are always absoltuely hilarious! Turns out Kerry's a lot like my mom -- strong, faithful...in her relationship and in ours. I just couldn't have made it through all the crap...or had so much fun with all the celebrations!

Kerry Ann Kathleen (so apropo, by the way).... I love you. You are my very very best friend. There is no one that will ever replace you in my life. You are a beautiful person, a trustworthy friend, an awesome mom, a loving wife, a perfect aunt and honestly the best best sister and BFF I could ever ask for.

(now can I please join the pony tail on top of your head and white lipstick club?)

Day eight -- A picture that makes me laugh

I have several actually -- I went searching...I found the one of Dane as a baby -- 10 months maybe, in a cupid pose, bare naked minus the bow and arrow and diaper. (child abuse of sorts)... Or the one of Dane and his team picture for soccer...everyone is cute as pie and there is my child, front and center, with his hand down his pants and playing with, uh, something. (parental abuse, perhaps) Almost picked the one of Rentch, Aki and Jason jumping in the air like penguins but that would take too much explanation....But while looking through them all, I stumbled across this goldmine...


The task at hand -- write your teachers a note for teacher's appreciation.


My first grader -- went at it full steam making every parent proud...then a quick glance at what he was working so hard on and full laughter busts out:


He was meaning to write "Mrs. Benson, I like you as my teacher" but somehow I got a different message! :) And, yes, he redid it and she got both copies...still laughing about it now!

Day 7 - A picture of your most treasured item

Originally when I read this "subject" I rolled my eyes. "Seriously," I thought, "what a lame topic." Here I am...two days later...realizing that this one was actually REALLY cool, albeit, difficult for me to decide upon.

I thought about choosing my wedding ring. A very treasured gift of promise for the future. I thought about perhaps the statue that I bought for myself and one for every member in my family that states "I miss you" after my dad died. I thought about the list my Grandmother wrote out about how to live a good life that is framed in my bedroom. But alas, I chose "pictures."

My life has taken some very strange turns. I had everything, lost it all and climbed my way back to happiness. When times were tough, I lost my home and virtually was "homeless" until my Mom stepped up and said we could move in with her. Thirty some years old and there I was, packing up what I had left, loading up the boys and moving home to Mama. It was then, in the middle of packing and sorting through years of life, I ran across my photo albums. Hours later and in a heap of tears, I realized what was important. If my house burned down -- or in my case, a major downsize occurred, I couldn't care less if I lost everything but I would be DEVASTATED if I lost my pictures.

The boys baby books.
The boys growing up.
My wedding(s)
Nebraska. Arizona. Wisconsin.
The beach trips.
My pregnancies.
Ultrasounds.
Friends weddings.
Costa Rica.
Mexican Cruise.
U of A.
Nursing school graduation.
The boys sports.
Concerts.
Smiles.
Laughter.
Love.

Yep, I could live without pretty much everything except my family and close friends...and pictures of my family and close friends. :)

Day 6 -- A person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Faith Hill....

otherwise known as Tim McGraw's wife...

...no further explanation needed.

Day 5 -- A picture of your favorite memory

This is the river in front of the cabin in Nebraska. A picture, sure, but it is so very much more to me. The Kealy cabin has been in the family for generations. My father grew up there, I grew up there and I long for my children to grow up there too. It is peace and happiness for me. It truly is my happy place.

It is a little run down cabin -- with a screened in porch that goes all the way around the concrete, cracked floor. There is nothing fancy about it. My brothers and sisters and I loved to sleep on cots on that patio. We would wake up to the smell of breakfast being made or deer or wild turkeys spotted. Occassionally the smell of skunk would fill the air (a smell I've come to actually enjoy -- just like smokebombs!) In front of the cabin is the North Platte River. We spent hours building toad forts (we found Squeaky every year) that got destroyed by snakes, building sand castles, catching minnows, setting fish traps (setlines)made delicately with a milk carton or floating down "from the bridge." Kelly broke her collarbone in that river. I got a wasp nest in my bathing suit. We saw all kinds of fish - carp and catfish. We messed with turtle traps and beaver dams. We all burnt to a crisp in that river. Then when we were bored...we'd walk down to the lake, probably getting stickers in our stained blueberry barefeet. It's a lake, but it's private and small, and has been called a pond by those unfamiliar with the love the Kealy's have for it. There we would canoe, fish, go bullfrog hunting, watch turtles heads pop up, and beavers slide across the water (I really use to think that beavers were like 25 feet long.) We would try to catch blue gill fish with our hands to win the $100 prize my dad offered. We would spin the canoes around making yellow submarines (that were never yellow). We would dive off the uber bouncy diving board, slide down the super steep slide or fly into the river off the knotted ropes. We would have endless conversations, pee in the woods (if we got out) pick ticks off the dogs, light huge fireworks (pop bottle rockets and roman candles aimed at each other -- M80s, M100s and especially M1000s made it seem like warfare at times), run from my dad or brother throwing them at us and just love family time. We all learned to drive on the roads there - motorcycles first, then cars. The hidden forties were endless trails to which we memorized the bumps and dips to near perfection. We would scour those trails to find firewood (and avoid the poison ivy)for the huge blazing fire pit later that night. While the smell of campfire filled our nose, the lightening bugs were out in full force (remember pulling off the butts and wearing them as rings?) We'd make smores and sing campfire songs. We sang the state song (I don't know I'll askya!), the bumblebee song, songs about Henry the Eighth (he got married to the widow next door, she'd been married seven times before) and Ooleyohcoocoo Ooleyohcoocoo. We sang Row Row Row your boat in arounds. We perfected My Wild Irish Rose. Man, did we ever sing -- and tried to not catch on fire as my Dad would douse the fire with gasoline, burning everything we could think of. We told stories, we made memories.

So, that's why it is my favorite memory. Times at the cabin. And when I ever need to "goto a happy place" you can bet your bottom dollar, my feet are in the sand at the Kealy Cabin in Nebraska -- and chances are...you are too. :)

Day 4: A picture of your favorite night.

Wow...this is a hard one....

This was when we were in Mexico for our wedding.

Me + my husband + my children + just got married + Rick and Cliff + Mexico + beach + swim up bar.... = perfection.

...best times ever. xoxo

Day 3: A picture of the cast from your favorite show

LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

There is just something about this show that draws me in -- a heroine, perhaps? I love Mariska Hargitay as Olivia Benson... the show has fallen off a bit now that Christopher Meloni's character, Elliott Stabler, is off the show. I have no idea why I think that man is so hot... maybe I really am getting older! :) I really hope he comes back.

Happy Saturday, everyone!

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Let me introduce you to my mother: Kathleen...or as I affectionately refer to her: Mama. Clearly, I have known her the longest and luckily, we have always been pretty close. My mom said I was her easiest pregnancy, busting into the world via c-section on Feb. 28, 1975. I apparently was a pretty easy baby too -- having four older siblings probably helped. I however,was not the easiest teenager or even young adult. She has always been there and I will forever love my mom.

She was a farm girl in Nebraska. She and my father both born there and knew each other their whole lives. They were always together. The cheesy rheteoric about captain of the football team and the cheerleader. Then my dad went away to Notre Dame and my mom went to a private girls Catholic college. They wrote letters -- man, what I would do to get ahold of those. Eventually, they met back up, got married and moved to Arizona. Soon after my brothers were born. She talks about the place they lived in with no air conditioning and how dad was in a fraternity at ASU. I have no idea how she kept it together with two tiny infants. Then came a move back to Nebraska, the rest of us kids and ultimately a move BACK to AZ to stay.

My Mom really is the best. She's a tough cookie and sometimes her advice or stern look still is hard for me. But her love is equally as tough. The coolest part is watching her as a grandma. My children ADORE her. She's goofy and fun. My kids light up when she is around. She is absolutely one of my very best friends and I love her with all of my heart.

Now, move to the east valley, Mom, so we can see ya more!

DAY ONE: A picture of yourself with at least 10 facts

I been blogger-dared to see if I could post 30 days of pictures....I've already been sent the prompts... I can't say I'll post 30 days in a row -- but I can say I'll do my best.



1. My name is Kristen Ruth (after my paternal grandmother whom I never met because she died of a major stroke when my father was only 16.)
2. This picture encompasses several of my greatest loves: feeling peaceful, the ocean, Mexico, a cold beer, flip flops and jeans (and not necessarily in that order)
3. I swam with the dolphins when I was 30 years old. When I opened the gift I cried - big huge alligator tears, only these were beautiful, grateful dolphin tears.
4. I have 2 twin brothers and 2 sisters. I am the baby of the family.
5. My sister is my very best friend
6. My favorite number is 10
7. I have never seen an entire Star Wars, Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings
8. My father died August 16, 2007 -- the single hardest thing I've been through, followed closely by having miscarriages
9. I am a fierce mama bear and I will stomp on anyone who hurts my children -- I feel sorry for their first heart breaker...I'll take no mercy - there will be no survivors.
10. I have 3 dogs (Scout, Piper, Halo), a tortoise (Spike), a hamster (Banana) and several unnamed fish...it's not that they are loved less necessarily, they just don't have names. I gotta get on that.

Welcome back, Wednesday!!!

I am feeling...so good.

I really should just end my blog there and then. (odd saying....but never the less....ahhem, another weird saying....but I digress....)

I am happy, people. Really happy.

I woke up this morning as Justin was continuously snoozing the alarm...and I felt great. Wide awake...the window was open, the sun not yet risen and it was brisk in my room. Yet, I was cozy in my bed next to the man I truly love in our home that I really adore. I have nothing to get out of bed for. And I smiled....

...I tell you....if all those tears and hard times are to thank for leading me here...I welcome the sadness. (Who would've thunk?)

As the sun became brighter, I got out of bed. I petted my three dogs, said hello to the hamster, fish and tortoises and went and laid on the trampoline to finish my book. It's taken me awhile to read my book...(something about working, being a mom and wife and being back in school....) but this morning was deliciously perfect to finish an important book about Buddhism and Christ. Two things of great value in my life.

After I finished, I sat still and listened to the wind blow -- very conscious of my breathing and the weight of my body on the trampoline. In that moment I remembered....

YIPPEE SKIPPY THE BOYS COME HOME TODAY!!!

And in one swoop, I back bended my way up to standing upright and jumped on the trampoline like a little girl with no care in the world....laughing and incredibly silly...

(and, yes...I'll past a drug test.)

it was amazing...

...embracing the day....and my spirit...that stays strong in the difficult times and screams in the now.

HURRY UP DAY AND GET MY FAMILY HOME!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Cole was clearly a vampire -- and a scary, and dead one at that.

Dane decided to be a foodfight -- so cute!

Bring on November!

A spouse that has cheated...

I have a couple friends going through really rough patches in their marriages. Both women are married to men that have cheated on them: One was a one night stand, the other was a full blown affair. They are devastated. They are angry. Everyone is offering all sorts of support that ranges from a room to stay, a hug or a drink to offering to dig the ditch to bury him or kill the bastard themselves. Women are not to be reckoned with -- and when one of our own is suffering, the inner bitch comes out for all to see.

I'm different, perhaps. I'm quietly giving my support and privately crying my own tears. It's hard for me. Truth is, I was the cheating spouse. In the end, I made the choice to stray outside my marriage and ultimately to tell my husband that I had moved on. In the months to follow -- years, really -- I was at the butt end of all the gossip. People were devastated. People were angry. It was my body that was going to be shot and buried in a deep hole. It was me that was the target for everything badly that ever went on in my relationship -- and even things that didn't. Very few people knew the private hell I had been living. Very few people knew the real me....and the real Sunshine. Yet, it was me.

I know now how ridiculous the hatred was and how hurtful the false accusations were, as well. I've grown so much from that point in my life. I know now that our relationship fell apart by things that both of us did. I know now that we both gave up. I know now that I am responsible for the hurts I caused and Sunshine is too. It's inappropriate for me to say anything to my friends at this point supporting the husband...but in so many ways I want to. It's been reeling on my brain, so on my blog, I'm going to write .... from the standpoint of the cheating spouse immediately after the incident, cause I own it... (deep breath.) Remember this is just from my perspective (I'm sure there are real douche bags out there -- but I was not one...)

Your cheating husband/wife loves you. They really do. It doesn't help that you don't think that this is love -- or that "you don't hurt the one's you love"...it's true. They are still as in love with you as they were XX (insert number) years ago when you fell in love and then when you married. In fact, they are still the same person that you married. You may have been able to overlook things before and now they are right smack dab in front of you. They are sorry about that. They are sorry ....so sorry...that you are hurting. They may not seem like it -- in fact, they might seem really happy. It's a joke. They hurt. They are struggling and sad and hate that this is happening. Even if they are still with the person that they cheated on you with, they worry if it's worth it. They worry if it can go anywhere beyond where it is now. They have this horrible pit in their stomach that is making it impossible for them to eat...to sleep....to think about anything... and they deserve it. They know it.

Your cheating husband/wife still loves your family. Your children are absolutely as important to them as they were before the infidelity. They want to KILL THEMSELVES for hurting the children. Even if your kids are little (or adult), they are struggling that they have put them in the category of becoming a "child of divorce" and even worse, that their image of marriage will forever be changed. They hate that they are going to be split between houses -- and that they won't see them 24 hours a day. They hate that one day those kids are going to ask them "why?" "how could you?" and perhaps take your side. They worry that they will be seen as less of a mother/father in the eyes of the kids. They are hurt by the reactions of your friends and family, too. While they know they deserve it to some degree, they wonder why no one asks them why they did it or how they are. You will all find out quickly who your true friends are and it's going to suck, for both of you.

They cry about losses. The loss of the love you once had. The loss of family. The loss of being intact. The loss of friendships. The loss of their reputation. The loss of their home. The loss of the dream. The loss of their own self-respect.

They are very sorry. They are hurt by the things you are saying -- that everyone is saying. Even worse, they are hurt by the looks, whispers, gossip and cruelness that is circling them. They want to scream that this is not out of the blue. They want to say that the relationship has been failing long before this. They want to say all the things that you have done wrong. They want to lash out at things you failed at or bring up past incidents. And, they will. They will because they are dying inside. They are feeling a mix of hatred for themselves, devastation of the betrayal of friends/family/you and a sense of inner pride that tells them to go down swinging. It's survival. It doesn't mean to hurt you further, or even to tarnish your reputation, it is just their way of trying to get through the day to day pain.

For now, it's totally understandable to find your inner bitch -- get angry -- get a lawyer. Freeze your assets. Protect yourself. And, if you decide to go to counseling, put it all on the line. Don't hold back -- say what needs to be said. Jump all the way into the pool... be vulnerable, but you have to be willing to forgive. If you can't, find a different road.

I know that none of this makes sense to you now, but in time, I hope it will. Fact is, if you share children, you will be in their life forever. So eventually, may you lose the anger, for he/she is deeply sorry. May you lose the sadness and find happiness, for they are forever striving to find the same. May you look back at your relationship and remember the good times because there were so many. May you wish them well because the golden rule pertains even in adult hood. May you love your children and try to remember that they love your (ex)spouse too -- watch your words, your actions because your children don't need to feel torn between mom and dad. Eventually, when you start dating again, choose wisely. In time, it will become easier to be in each other's company without crying or wanting to kill each other. But remember in moments of quiet alone time, they still miss what you had -- and perhaps, they miss you a bit too.

But don't expect them to show it.

Writing a million papers for school -- is going to greatly detour my real love of writing thus my blog will suffer.

That bites

the

royal

ding dong.

Too cool not to share.....

Leaving for Mexico tomorrow -- Oh, how my soul longs for the ocean!

I think I was born a beach bum....my favorite memories growing up involved the beach. Toes in the sand, breeze through my hair and smile on my face. I was just telling a patient about my home away from home, La Jolla, CA. I spent so much time there -- every chance we had -- which included every summer, every school break and even some quick weekend getaways. We were so innocent in those days...mom and dad at the beach, while I was **free** to roam whereever I wanted...and I did...hours at a time, all by myself. I still laugh about the huge waves that made my sister and I clasp on to each other's arm and try to duck under - both of us had to have been terrified - we were practically the only idiots in the water (and terrible undertow) but inbetween almost being swept out to the depths of a brutal ocean, we laughed whole-heartidly. I think if I could have peed my "pants," I would have....it still makes me laugh today. And, as an adult, I treasure La Jolla for so many different reasons. It's peaceful and beautiful. I have billions of pictures of my boys growing up just the way I did (although, they don't roam, like I did -- especially after Cole tried to disappear on me when he was 3....ugh) I just absolutely LOVE it there.

The beach just draws me to it. I'm funny. I like a COLD, desolate beach. Beaches in the winter are my FAVORITE. So, tomorrow, I will follow my heart back to the water in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. It's the place that I have now adopted as my new home. It's the place where I married my love with my children next to me, holding my hand and smiles on our faces. It's the ocean. It's the beach. And, I cannot wait to get there.

See, the ocean does something for me. It's vast and treacherous and makes me remember I am just a speck on this great Earth. Somehow, just remembering that puts my problems into perspective. Sure, things get tough, and I have difficult times, but we ALL DO. It makes me love my neighbors in life just that much more. An appreciation. An understanding. It also makes me feel STRONG. I feel like I can conquer everything. I have already in so many ways. And watching my boys play in the sand, or in the waves, makes my heart dance. They are the best of friends and I am the most blessed mamabear there is.

I simply can't wait...to charge up my spirit and dance in some moist, salty, ocean air.

Such a powerful reminder

It's never easy....but almost always appreciated.

Friday, Sept 30....and I'm feeling....well, I'll leave it at that. I'm feeling.

• Since I wrote last:

The Good:

• The boys had their parent/teacher conferences. Both of my children are equally fantastic. Of course, I already knew that, but it sure is nice to hear. Their grades are beautiful, but even more so, THEY are very well liked by their teachers and classmates. I'm raising smart, precious, mindful children and that means the world to me.


• Buddhism came up in Dane's conference. It's funny how those things happen. Then yesterday, my son jumped in the car very excited. "Mom, my teacher wants me to give this to you." It was a book, Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh and a Buddhist magazine called Shambhala Sun. I was moved. It's the small things and I am grateful for that.


• I finished both my cardiac and nuero recertifications for work just under the Oct. 1 deadline.


• The boys start fall break after today -- which, to me, means MEXICO!!! Can't wait to return to the place where our family circle was completed.


• Football is going great -- both boys are excelling on the field...and Baskin Robbins is happy about it. (They get a scoop of ice cream for each touchdown.) Dane actually "willed" a scoop to Cole last night as Cole ran out and REAAAALLY wanted two scoops...Dane has 4 in reserves, lol, but offered one of his credits to his little brother. Happiness all the way around. It was kind of a sweet moment, really.

The Bad:

• I've been very short tempered with Justin lately. I don't really know why, but I've been feeling less than my uber confident self and it shows. Self doubt...it's a painful thing. I guess having gone through so much bullshit, I have a very difficult time believing that true happiness is obtainable, so I sabotage it.


• At a very vulnerable time personally, Justin reconnected with his ex-wife and her son (that he raised for 8 years) via facebook. Innocent as it is, it's painful to me. His understanding of my feelings and actions taken to assure his love and commitment to our family has somehow got me feeling worse.


• My son's favorite coach -- and one of my favorite people -- has been let go from the organization due to some ridiculous differences in opinions. It's gotten ugly and a whole bunch of "he said/she said" nonsense that has people's feelings hurt and reputations tarnished. What it boils down to for me is that both of my boys are sad and there's nothing I can do about it.

Actually it feels better writing about it -- today, the boys are in school and then at Sunshine's for the weekend. I am going to read my new book, sit in the peace and quiet of my lovely home, perhaps get my nails/toes done and wait for my husband to come home to me. Tomorrow, we will go to Coolidge for both boys games. Sunday starts day 1 of 3 in a row at work and then VIVE MEXICO!!

It's been too long

There are a lot of things going on in this head of mine, however, I really don't know if any of it is bloggable material. Things have been really busy. Football has pretty much taken spot front and center in our lives. We love this time of year. If it's not Titan football (games and practices) for the boys -- it's fantasy football and the other football pool that we are in. And, there's is always work.... And, of course, there are the disappointments -- the things that people do and the feelings I tend to have towards those actions (and those people.) It's brutal. It breaks down my psyche. I need to be stronger than that. So I continue living and growing. There is a very fine line between putting myself out there - risking with the possiblity of greatness and putting a wall up -- risking loneliness vs finding safe solidarity. I have the hardest time letting go. I know that it is my issue, I place too much pride in friendships and bonds - sometimes people come into your life...to...leave. And, I have to leave it at that.

Someone once said to me, "pray about it." This person is just about the furthest from "GOD" that I know - doesn't believe in God...or himself, for that matter. Yet, I'm listening to his words, and holding on to a better time and hope for a better future... Praying about it.

I have been blessed...

It's early ... and I've already been up for 2 hours.

This time it's for a great reason.....
NOTHING.

Sure, I've done stuff this morning. I've cleaned our hamster, Banana's, cage and our tortoise, Spike's, domain as well and put them out to exercise (yes, I'm serious) I've already done a load of laundry, a few dishes, fed the dogs (and by that I mean that I fed Halo, Piper and Scout -- not Jake -- I'm hoping that was done by his rightful owner this morning already..., hmmm). At quick glance, I've paid a bill and noticed Sunshine still hasn't....I even have come to the realization that school is not meant to begin again for me until October...I will have to wait to be a traitor Sun devil (ick.)

I have enormous things on my agenda (funny ha ha) for my non-working Wednesday. I need new scrubs. I need to go to the grocery store (which means I need to decipher what we are having for dinner.) I'm going to print some new pictures for my amazing black and white frames that beautifully now frame my staircase (thank you, my love). I'm going to clean a bit and study for my EKG test at work tomorrow. I'm going to get bills in order, mail thrown away, and a plan made. Of course none of this is really all that important, but it's my life and my children come home tonight.

I LOVE TODAY.

Tonight -- on the docket -- not a damn thing! Turns out we live in a cauldron of burning lava, so football is canceled due to the heat index (and the fact that we love our children - most of us do, anyway). In lieu of football, FAMILY DINNER! (what to have, what to have....) I can't wait to get those boys home. I treasure my text messages from Dane -- but would LOVE to hear IN PERSON those "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and the brags about what a fucking brilliant student he is (100% on his Social "Studys" test...ay vey, we'll now work on spelling...)

On a serious side note....cause I realize this blog is rather light and meaningless...I do have some friends going through some very difficult times. I realize this. I am not making light of it at all. What I do know...and I know you are reading...is....(what is it?)....tough times don't last...but tough people do. I love you. Know that. In the grand scheme of things, you matter and.... this...well this just doesn't. What I've learned, bloggers, is that in tough times...SIMPLIFY. Get rid of the nonsense and the noise. Our own heads and hearts are our worst enemies...but it can be done. (That is such a phonetically mature statement, my high school English teacher would delight!)

On another note (and to another person's issue, that has made me really think)....uh oh, here it comes...the serious blogger in me.... being a single parent isn't the worst thing in the world. Listen to me people.... and listen to this next proverbial randomness while first appreciating this disclaimer:

I AM NOT A SINGLE PARENT AND I REALIZE THAT. I have an ex-Sunshine
who is VERY active in my children's universe and with him comes a plethora of
people. I also am very aware that I have my beautiful husband-o'mine (and
with him comes people crawling out of the wood work....damn, Mormon
church...kidding, totally kidding - sorta) I have loyal friends and I have a beautiful and loyal family.

OK....that said....I have felt like a leper for being a divorced parent. I have felt like less of a person, ugh, less of a family, because the boys aren't accompanied by "mom and dad." I have felt like people think I am less capable of true love or, really more devastating to my psyche, that I have never loved wholely. I have felt (I just replaced "know" with what my psychologist calls fair words without implication) like people view my home as less fit than that of one with an intact relationship (follow along...an intact MOM/DAD one.) I have witnessed (a true statement, thank you) and felt like my children's friend's parents have less than raving ideas about (fill in the blank) their child with a person that is divorced. I have felt like I was not included in certain events/parties/activities because people were uneasy with my "singleness." I have heard my children (both of them...at 11 and 8) have conversations of such with their friends about having divorced parents, two homes, parents that don't get along, uneasiness, etc. AND IT SUCKS.

THAT is why people turn bitter and hard. It is why people put up rules and boundaries (simply to hide fears, pain and wounds) with everyone they meet from here on out. It's one thing going through devastation. It's another being judged, or, ahhem, feeling judged about it. Shame is the greatest obstacle to healing and accepting life, but it's also what makes it so easy to try to justify or prove something. I tried relentlessly to explain why I couldn't be XYZ....I was working full time while going to school full time, blah blah blah .... I was this. I wasn't this. I didn't have this because of this or that. It's so hard to me still that people think my relationship with Sunshine was something...is something, other than 19 years of a relationship (love, bond, dedication, loyalty, and the struggle for peace.) It's equally hard for me still that people hear that I've been divorced and remarried (whether they know us or not) and feel like view it as less worthy or less fought for and deserved.

It's just so hard to explain to someone who has never been through it. Being on the other side of the mountain (Miley Cyrus' The Climb still makes me bawl, and I ain't ashamed.....I also never say "ain't" but it was deemed acceptable and allowable in this case) I have become SUCH a better person for the shit I've been through. If I never would have struggled with my fertility, I would never understand the longing of a mother's desire. If I never would have miscarried, I never would understand a person's utter pain and disappointment. If I never would have loved and lost, I never would have understood the devastation of a lost dream, nor would I ever have understood the power of a second love. If I never would have been divorced with children, I never would have understood how people's opinions of you change and hurt. If I never would have been financially bankrupt, I never would treasure what I have and the blessings money can't bring. If I never would have been touched by the death of my father, I never would have understood that it literally rocks your foundation and makes you question where you came from, where you're going and what biological traits you carry with you. I can understand. as much as my presence and existence let's me, what people with similar situations are going through. I also know that I love my children completely and that I am a kick ass mom. I smother them with attention and gratitude and they return the favor. I would lay my life down with no questions asked so they wouldn't hurt. And, it just doesn't matter what other people think. Dane. Cole. <---they matter, and they know.

For the things I have not experienced, I can empathize. And, more than that. I WANT TO. I NEVER want people to go through sadness. I've said it a million times and embraced my inner Buddhism budding love...we all crave happiness. But, honey loves, out there in blog land....
WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS NOT YOU.....IT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU....

Be willing to think differently. Simplify. Go to a easy place and be open to a peaceful change. Believe in it. I don't give a rat's ass if you think I'm talking nonsense. Be willing to believe you'll get there (and I get it, you have no idea how) Try to let go of old defenses, and old pain will let go of you. Try to let go of fear (of judgement, the past, the future, love, chance) and fear will walk away from you. Try to let go of cynicism and attack and they will let go of you. (People don't make you feel...you do.) Defenses can't make you happy. Be open to the possibility that THIS BULLSHIT will grace your world (and those you touch) eventually....and you are MORE than your interpretation of your life today. Trust me.

Or...don't.

Either way....

my boys come home today.