The other day, I was snuggled safely in the arms of my beautiful husband while laying on my super comfortable couch in my beautiful home, and we began an episode of Dateline.  Within the first 10 minutes, I was zapped back to a time where love was a mirage and safety was relative. 

You see, I was in an abusive relationship.

Almost 25 years ago, I was dating a boy whom I knew from school.  He was gorgeous with beautiful green eyes and sandy blonde hair.  He was popular in a "bad boy" kind of way who had a million friends and pushed every envelope.  He was the singer in a punk band and had a following of girls who wanted to be next to him.  He was a year older and much more world wise than I.  From the minute we met, we connected.  It wasn't until a year later that we actually fell in love.  We joined lives like only soul-mates could and we started a journey that intensely lasted a few years.

A journey that left not just a scar on my heart, but left an eternally open, bleeding wound. 

With him, everything was intense.  We loved hard and we fought hard.  It started slowly, with him telling me that he loved me so much that he needed to know where I was at every second.  This was before cell phones (imagine that!) and I found myself checking in wherever I was, if I wasn't with him.  He was jealous of anyone that held my attention, which meant that he didn't like my girlfriends (and they didn't like him) and certainly didn't like my guy friends.  Bit by bit, I pulled away from my social circle and found myself in his company all of the time.  Yet, this is where I wanted to be. 

That's the funny thing.....  how much I believed our relationship to be what *I* wanted.

It progressed quickly.  He dropped out of high school, so I found myself ditching school and getting suspended.  My family grew to hate him and I was becoming angry at everyone for not seeing how great our love was.  We partied hard and were very reckless with drugs and our sex life.  We had so much fun together...until the fun ended, and sometimes it didn't just end, but the ugliness would really begin. 

I remember the first time he called me a fucking cunt.
I remember the first time he pushed me.
I remember the first time he pulled my hair.
I remember the first time he burned me.
I remember the first time he punched me.
I remember the first time he left me, and the second, third, and 1,456th.

I remember the first time he cheated on me.
I remember the first time he called my 115lb.  body fat.
I remember the first time he told me I was stupid.
I remember the first time he kissed another girl in front of me.
I remember him telling me how worthless I was.
I remember him stalking me when I wasn't with him showing up at church, school, bowling alley, friends house.
I remember him showing up at a dear friends funeral (whom he hated) and I remember the hateful stare as he watched me cry.

I didn't see anything wrong with the relationship we had, because after each one of those things, we made up....and making up was so much fun.  And, because sometimes I would say hateful things, I felt I was just as much to blame.  He made me feel so special because he chose to be with me and would remind me often that if he wanted to leave, he could. 

I remember the time that he grabbed the wheel as I was driving and we crashed.
I remember getting arrested.
I remember going to court and swearing that he had nothing to do with it.
I remember that my Dad and I had to attend alcohol classes cause I was a minor.
I remember begging my family to like him and my Dad telling me that he never would.
I remember my sister going to his house to fight for my honor.
I remember being ashamed of my family.

I remember stealing money to give him what he wanted.  I remember sacrificing myself for whatever he asked me to do.  I would have sex when he asked for it and leave him alone when he wanted to be without me.  We lasted another year before the big blowup happened.  Another year of trying to be who he wanted me to be when he wanted me to be it.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. 
I remember the moment he told me to figure out how to make our baby disappear.
I remember the abortion.
I remember the pain of him thrusting inside me that same day.
I remember the taste of my tears.

I just wanted him to be happy.  I would have done anything in my power to prove my love enough for him to believe me.  I loved him more and more the harder he pushed and louder he yelled.  I tiptoed around him until I knew what mood he was in.  And the more I loved him, the worse it got.  He knew my every move and every thought.  He knew every button to push, everything to say to hurt, or to get me back.  And, I always went back.

I remember the night I fought back.
I remember the ripping of my shirt.
I remember the brutal sex, the biting, the slapping.
I remember the taste of blood while I screamed back.
I remember the sting of his fist and the flash of black.
I remember running away and calling my Dad for help.

I never went back to the relationship.  But, I'm no hero.  He simply moved away.  And even yet, I drove hours to go and visit him.  And although months would go by at a time, I would spend hours on the phone when he called to catch up, often cancelling plans.  I would cringe at his stories of new adventures and new girls and assure him that my adventures and relationships were never close to what we shared.  He would always end the conversation telling me that I will never find someone quite like him....to which I respond, "I never would want to."

I remember thinking of him when I married my first husband.
I remember the excitement in my fast beating heart when he surprisingly found my work number even though I was 2000 miles away.
I remember being back at home and sneaking out to see him...as an adult..
I remember his touch and his promise that we will be together again one day.
I remember his Christmas card, signed only with the name of the baby we never had.

I don't know what's happened since then.  My life has changed and so have I.  I got a divorce which allowed me to spend some time with him again.  It was one of the last nights that I realized how sick to my stomach I was and how much anxiety was bubbling in my belly when I was with him.  He drove me to the mall and bought me a shirt because he said I needed to learn how to dress for success.  He turned quickly to look at something while we were driving and I flinched so hard that my head banged into the window. Yet, I went to dinner with him, in my new shirt and I had sex with him that night even though my head was throbbing.  We talked about our past.  He said we should have had the baby.  He remembers the last fight, but claims it was just as much my fault and reiterated the fact that he was so good to me.  That next morning, I said "goodbye" and I meant it.  Then he grabbed my ass and told me to think about getting a gym membership.

I remember sobbing when I got into the car to leave.
I remember my heart just breaking in the thought of not holding him again.
I remember burning the shirt.
I remember staring at myself in the mirror for a long time at wondering how I lost myself so long ago and wondering who I was meant to be.
I remember wanting to find who I was again.
I remember making a cognitive decision to never talk to him again.

He is married now.  How do I know?  Because I do keep up with him through friends.....and I'm told he asks about me. We live in the same city.  There are still sometimes that I still would love to stop time and just spend one more day with him.  But it is then that I have to remind myself of that sickening feeling.  I am reminded of it by the scars physically on my body and the scars in my mind.   I am reminded of it with a million songs on the radio. I am reminded of it every time I overreact about certain things and I am reminded of it because I have an intense fear of people walking away.  I am reminded of it 25 years later while sitting on the couch watching TV with my husband. 

Truth is, he will never really go away.

Yes, I know that what we had wasn't love.
I know that what he did and what he said wasn't right.
I know that I deserve better.
I know that I forgive him and I know that I've asked for forgiveness.
I know I can't live in the past.

...nor will I get past it. 

This is who I am, these are the scars that I will not hide.

By Jennifer Cullen on CafeMom’s blog, The Stir

It doesn’t matter how amicable your divorce is or if you were the one who initiated it, divorce flat-out sucks.

1. You will never feel like a "normal" family again. Even if you re-marry and do a great job of blending your new family.


2. You will have so much less of a say in parenting your children. And that will frustrate you.


3. Friends and family members will forever take sides. Even if adultery and abuse were involved.


4. People, even those you meet years after your marriage has ended, will look at you differently.


5. At some point, you will want to have sex. There will be plenty of people willing to set you up. Let them.


6. Money will always be an issue between you and your ex-spouse. Even if you have a lot of it.


7. Your children will find out at some point who initiated the divorce. And they will not be happy with that parent.


8. You will have frequent differences with your ex. After all, there's a reason you're not still together.


9. When you wake up in the middle of the night, one of the first thoughts to run through your head will be, "Are my kids here tonight?"


10. No matter how broken your heart may be, you will want to date at some point. Don't push yourself to get back out there too soon.


11. Do not, under any circumstances, bad-mouth your ex to your kids. Sometimes, it's really hard not to, but it'll come back to bite you in the butt.


12. Being divorced gets easier every single day.


13. You will miss some of your kids' lives. And that is sad. You'll do what you can to minimize this.


14. People will always want to know what went wrong the first time. Don't be surprised if one of their theories questions your ex-husband's sexuality.


15. You will still share a life with your ex after the papers are signed. In fact, it's just the beginning of a lifetime of shared experiences which will include graduations, birthdays, weddings, and even grandchildren.


16. Over time, you will tell your friends about the perks of divorce. The Thursday night date nights, the extended childless vacations, lazy weekend mornings. But deep down, you'll always be saddened by being away from your children. Until they're teenagers.

Parenting 101

A L w A y S   M a K e   T  i M e   F o r    Y o u R   K i D s!! 

 

 

"Bully"

Dane asked me to sign a permission slip so that he could participate in watching a PG-13 documentary in his Connections class on bullying.

As any good parent (who is off of work, out of school and has the time) would do, I thought to myself:   "Self, you should watch that film so you can engage your 7th grader in further conversation and aide in his growth." 

....sorta.

Truth is, I was having cocktails in the pool with some dear girlfriends this past weekend when one of them (who will remain unnamed but is notably one of the best teachers/coaches/mentors that I know) mentioned the topic of bullying.  She has said that she was having difficulty receiving buy in from her other junior high teachers to try and help build the movement against bullying.  I was really sad at this news.  We all know that it happens everyday.  My children have seemingly escaped the wrath of school bullying thus far -- but my interest in bullying is still a personal one and the timing of Dane's permission slip made the hairs on my arms perk up and take notice.

See, I was a mean, mean, kid.

I don't know why I did it.  Looking back, it wasn't that I really thought that I was better than anyone else or that I really wanted anyone to suffer.  I think, perhaps more than anything, I did it because I was succumbing to peer pressure.  In one case, I turned on a lifelong friend and did/said horrible things.  In that case, I'm certain I was jealous.  Either way -- I am sure that I hurt people deeply and worry that those kind of scars never truly will heal.  I was young, and dumb, but didn't want that to be used as an excuse.  In my adult years, I reached out to a couple of the people I was less than kind to (facebook is awesome) and apologized.  I had to put my uneasiness at rest.  I don't know if I helped them at all -- or if they ever even thought about it -- but it did ease my mind a bit.

Either way, my personal history has allowed me to have a very open dialogue with my children about bullying.  I feel like we have talked about what to do if people are mean to them.  You can stand up for yourself, tell a grown up or if push comes to shove, SHOVE HARDER.  (yes, I give them permission.) We've also discussed the importance for sticking up for the small guy.  Well, this movie will allow that conversation to grow.  Thing is, people, there are so many different kinds of bullying.  This documentary specifically discusses the life of 5 children in all aspects of bullying.  There is the quiet kid that just takes it, the gay young woman who is determined to change the world, one girl who fought back -- with her mother's handgun -- to bullies on the school bus winding herself up in juvenile detention and  two children that tragically ended their lives because of it (one by hanging himself and one by shooting himself.)  Further, it talks about the kids that were doing it to them, the grown ups that turned away from it or just didn't know, and the law that pretended the problem wasn't there.  These kids were not only being teased, poked, choked or prodded by their peers, but then the system let them down and parent went blind.

I am so super happy that Dane will be watching Bully.  I decided to email his teachers and his principal:

Hello!  I signed Dane's permission slip to watch the documentary, "Bully,"  this morning for his 7th grade connections class.  I decided that I should watch it, as well, to help facilitate the conversation on the home front.  WOW!  I would like to take the time to say THANK YOU for giving our children the opportunity to watch such a powerful film.  I have a good relationship with my son and have discussed bullying in depth (mostly cause I was a mean, mean kid.  Ugh.) I am certain that this movie will strike a chord with him and with his classmates.  You have no idea who you could be protecting -- or better yet -- who's life you may be saving by putting this topic out there for discussion and awareness.

Often our teachers aren't given the props they deserve, so I wanted to say THANK YOU for taking the initiative to stand up to bullying. 

I'm guessing no one will really care -- maybe this is merely the time when the end of the school year is near and the teachers are screaming for a movie day so they can breathe.  Either way, The Bully Project and it's movement are worthy of our attention and praise.  Children NEED to see it -- families NEED to discuss it -- and schools NEED to be proactive.

Therefore, I applaud my boy's school. 
Stand for The Silent.

Hey Facebook, delete me!

It's been brought to my attention that I am "almost too positive,"  "too happy," or that we are "too in love,"  and that my family "seems too perfect" and perhaps I should "brag less so people don't feel worse about themselves."

Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.

So I'm going to bring it to blog land with the intentions to put my mind to rest about it.

The truth is...you know nothing about me if you think any of those things.  You see, we are not friends.  We aren't real life friends, online friends and probably not friends on paper, either.

You don't know about the struggles I have had.   You don't know about the personal demons that always tempt me.  You don't know about my weaknesses or my pain.  You don't know about my childhood.  You don't know about my horrible divorce.  You don't know about the bitter betrayal of a close friend (who went on to marry that ex-husband).  You don't know about the loss of many friendships.  You don't know about the children I've lost, or any of the pregnancies I have had that were wrought with fear and tears.    You don't know that my Dad died when I needed him the most and you mustn't know how devastating his loss has been for me on an everyday basis.  You don't know about how I struggled to find myself.  You don't know I lost a job that really mattered to me.  You don't know about my legal troubles.  You weren't there when I broke off an engagement months before the wedding.  You haven't wiped away my tears or heard my screams of disappointment.  You have no idea about my depression that ultimately almost took my life.  You have no idea how close I was.  You know nothing about the lingering panic attacks and anxiety.  You didn't see me struggle through nursing school, painfully, amidst blood sweat and tears while working full time and losing precious time with my children. You don't know about my financial situation then (or now.)  You don't know how I packed up what was left, walked away from my bankrupt life and went home to my mom's house with my tail between my legs.  You don't know about my job or how demanding it is physically and mentally to be a nurse.  You don't know about my health conditions.  Specifically, you don't know about my cancer history, or my blood clotting conditions.  You don't know how disruptive my relationship with my ex-husband is for my life and my poor children.  You don't hear the conversations I have with my boys about their worries and fears. You don't know about the worry I have for my loved one's health that literally is fading away in front of my eyes.  You don't know how terrified I am (almost paralyzed with irrational fear) that something will happen to someone I love.

You don't know my children, either.  You don't know how resilient these boys are.  You don't know the confusion that they had when the divorce happened.  You didn't see their tears when they asked me why Daddy was kissing my friend.  You don't know how difficult it was for them to bounce from one house to another.  You didn't see them struggle and forget things here and there and still get berated for it.  You didn't see them when they cried themselves to sleep, or begged me to stay home when I had to get to school or work.  You didn't see them juggle their time and space when I couldn't be with them.  You haven't heard their problems.  You weren't there when we lost our electricity and moved across town with Grandma.  You weren't up with them at 4 in the morning so they could get to school on time.   You haven't seen the bald spots from anxiety, paid extra bills for the broken bracket on the braces (more anxiety).  You haven't seen them both strive for perfection, sometimes getting it and sometimes not.  You don't know their hearts.  You don't know their struggles.

And you certainly don't know my relationship with my husband.  You have no idea how hard we fought for this love.  You don't know why we started or why we continued.  You don't know about his military service, couldn't imagine the things he's seen and done.  You don't know about the physical fights and harassment we endured from my ex.  You don't know our legal troubles from bad decisions we have made.  You don't know how the job losses or house relocations nearly destroyed us.  You don't know how we struggled to get me through nursing school.  You don't know how many times we broke each other's heart by trying to figure out who we are and what we wanted.  You don't hear about any infidelities, lies, pain and hurt.  You don't remember us breaking up "for good" cause you weren't there for either of us.  And, you don't remember when we rekindled.  You aren't there for the counseling sessions and you don't wipe away our tears from past hurts.  You haven't been there for the numerous pregnancy losses, each one more painful then the next.  You haven't been there for the family hospitalizations and family dramas with drugs, jail, and everyday nonsense.  You aren't there in the middle of the night when his night terrors are full force literally shaking your from your sleep with no end in sight.  You don't see our bank account.  You don't pay our bills.  You don't hear our conversations about worries and the future. In fact, you have never helped us up, only tried to push us down.

So, while, I don't feel the need to always defend myself, per se, to the negative people, I will say that you don't know us...we are not friends.  With that in mind, I'm cleaning "facebook" house and I encourage you to do the same.  See, the thing here is this: I am super positive and blessed by God to live this life I'm leading.   I am happy.  My life is really great. I am madly in love with my husband and find him more beautiful (and sexy) with each passing moment.   Right now, nothing is perfect, but it's all perfect for me.  I also know that it won't always be this way.  I live a life of high highs and low lows.  I've never been one for mediocrity and I don't expect that to change.  I've learned a lot in counseling.  I have learned that I will always be a work in progress.  Our counselor jokingly said that Justin and I both have OCD and ADD.  "Everything has to be perfect, you just don't know how to keep it that way for very long."  :)  It is inherently true and that makes our relationship -- our lives -- an experience not for the faint of heart--, but it is ours.  <3>

I do however feel a bit guilty about the last thing.  If, in fact, my happiness makes you feel bad, that just sucks.  So please...do yourself a favor and delete the heck out of me so you won't need to feel any worse.

....nothing in the world would make me happier.  :)

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 42 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...

14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

22. The most important sex organ is the brain.

23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

25. Always choose life.

26. Forgive but don’t forget.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..

31. Believe in miracles.

32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

34. Your children get only one childhood.

35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

39. The best is yet to come...

40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

41. Yield.

42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

 

Well intentions

I have a friend that is battling cancer.  She started a caringbridge site -- thank God, too...cause I stalk her like crazy.  I think about her non-stop and while we are keeping in touch -- I know how sick she is and how crappy she feels.  I am scared that my calls, visits or even emails or texts can get annoying -- after all, I'm just one of me -- and she is a cool ass chick, so I'm sure she's overwhelmed by so many, even if it's well-intentioned.

So this morning, I was was stalking her...and realized that my Dad's site is still viewable.  So I ventured to his last days -- and the tears flowed freely.  Crazy how time makes you forget some of the details.  Plus, I wasn't a nurse yet -- so I didn't realize what all those things meant.  Perhaps that is what they mean by "time heals."  You know...the things said by the well-intentioned?

And, I sit here -- unwilling to let another person in my life pass to such a horrible disease.  My friend is a fighter and was able to remove the cancer before fighting with her life with an almost deadly (though well intentioned) chemotherapy.  My Dad never really had much of a chance and the fight was fast.  I am grateful for his short suffering and would like to think that at that point in my Dad's life (and maybe even in ours) God was, in fact, well intentioned. 

hm

Day 20: Sports

Sports are very important to me.  I love to be active and watch others being active.  It was practically pumping through my veins as a child.  My family is a huge football family.  I have very fond memories of huge (and I mean HUGE) Nebraska Huskers parties.  I always thought my Dad kind of resembled Herby the Husker.  :)

I grew up playing soccer.  In Junior High, I added in basketball and volleyball.  In high school, I started diving.  My boys play sports -- and I love that in addition to being so good at them, they really enjoy them.  Soccer, football and now wrestling takes up a lot of our free time.  I wouldn't want it any other way - it's a great way to grow up and have things in common with your parents/your child.

I have vivid memories around the football fields watching my brothers too. In fact, that is when I became a Packer fan.  My brothers played Pop Warner for "The Packers" -- I was all of  4 or 5 and started my love and loyalty for the green and gold back then.  And, today, my favorite Packer announced he is retiring.  Although that makes me sad, Donald Driver is such a class act.  I couldn't be happier for his loyalty and dedication to the Green Bay Packers -- and for keeping it classy.  (Still question the "Dancing with the Stars" commitment, but hey, he won!  LOL)  Anyway....thanks #80 -- and I, personally, will miss you!

Day 19: Fireworks

When I was growing up, we spent the fourth of July at our cabin in Nebraska.  We had the biggest and best firework shows there...ever.  My parents must have spent a fortune on things that literally went up in smoke in the matter of seconds.  It was there that I learned to light them off, fire them at my brothers and sisters, and heard the BOOM of m80s, 100s and even 1000s.  My Dad delighted in throwing a package of blackcats at our feet during dinner and I often awoke from my nightly slumber to cracks of fireworks and the peaceful smell of smoke bombs.

(I was going to write about how I literally saw and felt fireworks when I first kissed my husband....I mean it -- it was like the stuff cartoons are made of....but I'll refrain... well, sort of.)

Day 18: Wild at Heart

Today is Martin Luther King Day.  I am a big fan of his....and believe in my heart that I would have walked beside him in his plight for equality.  It takes a wild heart, a brave soul, a determined courage, a never ending love and a dream -- we cannot forget the dream.

Some of my favorite quotes from a beautiful man:

Quotes by Martin Luther King, Jr.:
*Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. 

*I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear. 

*Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

*I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

*The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

*A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.

*Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.

*A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.

*An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

*In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

*Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

*Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.

*A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan.
*Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

*We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

*The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.

* A lie cannot live. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Day 17: Graveyard

Of course this reminds me of my Dad.

Back in the day, I was home from college and in the car with my parents, when my Dad told me he wanted to show me something.  We pulled into the cemetary.  "Strange," I thought.  Dad drove around to the back and we all got out of the car.  He came up next to me and said, "I just bought this land for your Mom and I."  "Ew, Dad, this is creepy."  He laughed his silly cackle laugh, put his arm around me, spun me around softly and said, "Look, you can sit here and visit us, and have a perfect view of Camelback Mountain!"  "Ok, great, can we go now?"

And, that's the truth.

So, there lies my Dad...and when I visit, I gaze up to the huge mountain and can almost hear him say, "I told you so."

Always the thinker, that man.

(Here is a picture of me, my brothers, and my baby boy wishing him a Merry Christmas with a bottle of Jack -- you can't see the mountain in this picture though...cause...well, duh!...we're looking at it!)

Day 16: Different World

Day 15: Books

(I actually just got some -- my school books just came in the mail -- here we go again.  boo!)

I am not a huge reader -- I like books that tend to make me better.  I like the books that are more along the self-help type.  I started reading them a very long time ago -- things that make me happy or make me think differently.  After the divorce, I read them more to help me make sense of the struggle I had created and help empower me to take control of my life and create happiness.  In my quest for contentment, I stumbled across Buddism and my reading took off.  There are a lot of awesome books out there about Buddhism.  I've read several.  The Storms Can't Hurt the Sky was an UNBELIEVABLE BOOK that helped me actually start to get along with my ex-husband a bit.  I really should read it again, as we are at odds yet again...as evidenced by the current book on my nightstand...

Day 14: Children

I never had this in mind, on the day you were born,

Hugs and kisses goodbye "til we see you Christmas morn.
You both walked away with a wave and a smile
I closed the door and sighed, then I cried for awhile.

Another year, another holiday, another day of missing you

Divorce robbed us of so much and there's nothing we can do.
Every time you must go, a heaviness fills my heart
And while I know you love your Dad, I hate to be apart.

It's hard that you don't know the calmness of only one home

But comforting to know you can always pick up the phone.
It's hard that you are hustled from one place to another
But comforting to know you are always with your brother.

I'm sorry that we caused this and pray for forgiveness everyday.

And, hope you grow up to see there was just no other way.
We've all moved to happiness now, but it still is just so tough.
Our time together, divided up, never seems to be enough.

But enjoy this time, your first days of Christmas break, too!

Be polite, mind your manners - Santa's still watching you!
Your presents will be waiting, wrapped under our tree.
For us all to unwrap as one big family.

Please know I think of you always, even when you aren't here.

And always with a smile, though sometimes, through a tear.
I am honored to be a Mom and I love you tons and tons
Remember that forever my two most-beautiful sons.

Day 13: Forest

Forest, huh?

• Forest Gump (RUN FOREST RUN!)
• Forest Whitaker  (Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a movie fav!)
• "So your running through a forest"  (moving hands frantically on each side of said person's face)  "running, running, running" and SMACK (hit them in the head)  "You hit a tree."
• "You can't see the forest for the trees"  (I believe I do see the big picture in most circumstances)
• My roommate in college dated a chick who had a son named Forrest.
• Lake Forest -- a college outside of Chicago that I had a conference at when I was working for Lakeland College in Green Bay.
• Rain Forest -- the environment that Cole's Humminfint had to adapt to.

That's about all I got.  Forest.  For rest. Naptime.

Day 12: Celebration

Yesterday was "Welcome Home Wednesday...."  that is always such a celebration day anyway.  But yesterday was particularly fun because Justin and I had plans to surprise the boys with dinner and tickets to a Suns game.We aren't a huge basketball family -- but we do love spending time together.  The boys' faces were priceless.  It made for a pretty late evening, but after tucking them in and them thanking us a million times...it made waking up late for school almost worth it, today.  Whoops!

Day 11: Greed

I struggle with this.  I am not a greedy person, by nature.  I do not covet my neighbor's things.  I do not look at others and wish I had more -- or was more -- or any of that.  So why do I say I struggle with this?

My boys.

I am so greedy for them -- for their time -- and I struggle with having to split their time with Sunshine.  I know that it is unfair -- but I just really wish I didn't have to watch them leave with him - or drop them at his house.  I hate that I have to split holidays with them.  I hate that I don't tuck them in bed each night. I hate that I hear about things that happen after the fact or that they tell me that he won't let them call me.  He is greedy too, it appears, and that angers me.  I sometimes respond with anger, or worse, sarcasm and hatred.  I really do not like myself when I crack.

I try to remember he deserves time with them.  He loves them.  He doesn't like this either -- divorce robs ALL of us.  I try to remind them of that too when they are begging me to ask if they can stay longer or come earlier.  I'm even going to guess that maybe they do that for him too -- to protect our hearts in their own way (12 and 9)...

...they want each of to know how much they love us....both.

And that's certainly not greedy.

That's beautiful.