Friday, October 28, 2011
A spouse that has cheated...
I have a couple friends going through really rough patches in their marriages. Both women are married to men that have cheated on them: One was a one night stand, the other was a full blown affair. They are devastated. They are angry. Everyone is offering all sorts of support that ranges from a room to stay, a hug or a drink to offering to dig the ditch to bury him or kill the bastard themselves. Women are not to be reckoned with -- and when one of our own is suffering, the inner bitch comes out for all to see.
I'm different, perhaps. I'm quietly giving my support and privately crying my own tears. It's hard for me. Truth is, I was the cheating spouse. In the end, I made the choice to stray outside my marriage and ultimately to tell my husband that I had moved on. In the months to follow -- years, really -- I was at the butt end of all the gossip. People were devastated. People were angry. It was my body that was going to be shot and buried in a deep hole. It was me that was the target for everything badly that ever went on in my relationship -- and even things that didn't. Very few people knew the private hell I had been living. Very few people knew the real me....and the real Sunshine. Yet, it was me.
I know now how ridiculous the hatred was and how hurtful the false accusations were, as well. I've grown so much from that point in my life. I know now that our relationship fell apart by things that both of us did. I know now that we both gave up. I know now that I am responsible for the hurts I caused and Sunshine is too. It's inappropriate for me to say anything to my friends at this point supporting the husband...but in so many ways I want to. It's been reeling on my brain, so on my blog, I'm going to write .... from the standpoint of the cheating spouse immediately after the incident, cause I own it... (deep breath.) Remember this is just from my perspective (I'm sure there are real douche bags out there -- but I was not one...)
Your cheating husband/wife loves you. They really do. It doesn't help that you don't think that this is love -- or that "you don't hurt the one's you love"...it's true. They are still as in love with you as they were XX (insert number) years ago when you fell in love and then when you married. In fact, they are still the same person that you married. You may have been able to overlook things before and now they are right smack dab in front of you. They are sorry about that. They are sorry ....so sorry...that you are hurting. They may not seem like it -- in fact, they might seem really happy. It's a joke. They hurt. They are struggling and sad and hate that this is happening. Even if they are still with the person that they cheated on you with, they worry if it's worth it. They worry if it can go anywhere beyond where it is now. They have this horrible pit in their stomach that is making it impossible for them to eat...to sleep....to think about anything... and they deserve it. They know it.
Your cheating husband/wife still loves your family. Your children are absolutely as important to them as they were before the infidelity. They want to KILL THEMSELVES for hurting the children. Even if your kids are little (or adult), they are struggling that they have put them in the category of becoming a "child of divorce" and even worse, that their image of marriage will forever be changed. They hate that they are going to be split between houses -- and that they won't see them 24 hours a day. They hate that one day those kids are going to ask them "why?" "how could you?" and perhaps take your side. They worry that they will be seen as less of a mother/father in the eyes of the kids. They are hurt by the reactions of your friends and family, too. While they know they deserve it to some degree, they wonder why no one asks them why they did it or how they are. You will all find out quickly who your true friends are and it's going to suck, for both of you.
They cry about losses. The loss of the love you once had. The loss of family. The loss of being intact. The loss of friendships. The loss of their reputation. The loss of their home. The loss of the dream. The loss of their own self-respect.
They are very sorry. They are hurt by the things you are saying -- that everyone is saying. Even worse, they are hurt by the looks, whispers, gossip and cruelness that is circling them. They want to scream that this is not out of the blue. They want to say that the relationship has been failing long before this. They want to say all the things that you have done wrong. They want to lash out at things you failed at or bring up past incidents. And, they will. They will because they are dying inside. They are feeling a mix of hatred for themselves, devastation of the betrayal of friends/family/you and a sense of inner pride that tells them to go down swinging. It's survival. It doesn't mean to hurt you further, or even to tarnish your reputation, it is just their way of trying to get through the day to day pain.
For now, it's totally understandable to find your inner bitch -- get angry -- get a lawyer. Freeze your assets. Protect yourself. And, if you decide to go to counseling, put it all on the line. Don't hold back -- say what needs to be said. Jump all the way into the pool... be vulnerable, but you have to be willing to forgive. If you can't, find a different road.
I know that none of this makes sense to you now, but in time, I hope it will. Fact is, if you share children, you will be in their life forever. So eventually, may you lose the anger, for he/she is deeply sorry. May you lose the sadness and find happiness, for they are forever striving to find the same. May you look back at your relationship and remember the good times because there were so many. May you wish them well because the golden rule pertains even in adult hood. May you love your children and try to remember that they love your (ex)spouse too -- watch your words, your actions because your children don't need to feel torn between mom and dad. Eventually, when you start dating again, choose wisely. In time, it will become easier to be in each other's company without crying or wanting to kill each other. But remember in moments of quiet alone time, they still miss what you had -- and perhaps, they miss you a bit too.
But don't expect them to show it.
I'm different, perhaps. I'm quietly giving my support and privately crying my own tears. It's hard for me. Truth is, I was the cheating spouse. In the end, I made the choice to stray outside my marriage and ultimately to tell my husband that I had moved on. In the months to follow -- years, really -- I was at the butt end of all the gossip. People were devastated. People were angry. It was my body that was going to be shot and buried in a deep hole. It was me that was the target for everything badly that ever went on in my relationship -- and even things that didn't. Very few people knew the private hell I had been living. Very few people knew the real me....and the real Sunshine. Yet, it was me.
I know now how ridiculous the hatred was and how hurtful the false accusations were, as well. I've grown so much from that point in my life. I know now that our relationship fell apart by things that both of us did. I know now that we both gave up. I know now that I am responsible for the hurts I caused and Sunshine is too. It's inappropriate for me to say anything to my friends at this point supporting the husband...but in so many ways I want to. It's been reeling on my brain, so on my blog, I'm going to write .... from the standpoint of the cheating spouse immediately after the incident, cause I own it... (deep breath.) Remember this is just from my perspective (I'm sure there are real douche bags out there -- but I was not one...)
Your cheating husband/wife loves you. They really do. It doesn't help that you don't think that this is love -- or that "you don't hurt the one's you love"...it's true. They are still as in love with you as they were XX (insert number) years ago when you fell in love and then when you married. In fact, they are still the same person that you married. You may have been able to overlook things before and now they are right smack dab in front of you. They are sorry about that. They are sorry ....so sorry...that you are hurting. They may not seem like it -- in fact, they might seem really happy. It's a joke. They hurt. They are struggling and sad and hate that this is happening. Even if they are still with the person that they cheated on you with, they worry if it's worth it. They worry if it can go anywhere beyond where it is now. They have this horrible pit in their stomach that is making it impossible for them to eat...to sleep....to think about anything... and they deserve it. They know it.
Your cheating husband/wife still loves your family. Your children are absolutely as important to them as they were before the infidelity. They want to KILL THEMSELVES for hurting the children. Even if your kids are little (or adult), they are struggling that they have put them in the category of becoming a "child of divorce" and even worse, that their image of marriage will forever be changed. They hate that they are going to be split between houses -- and that they won't see them 24 hours a day. They hate that one day those kids are going to ask them "why?" "how could you?" and perhaps take your side. They worry that they will be seen as less of a mother/father in the eyes of the kids. They are hurt by the reactions of your friends and family, too. While they know they deserve it to some degree, they wonder why no one asks them why they did it or how they are. You will all find out quickly who your true friends are and it's going to suck, for both of you.
They cry about losses. The loss of the love you once had. The loss of family. The loss of being intact. The loss of friendships. The loss of their reputation. The loss of their home. The loss of the dream. The loss of their own self-respect.
They are very sorry. They are hurt by the things you are saying -- that everyone is saying. Even worse, they are hurt by the looks, whispers, gossip and cruelness that is circling them. They want to scream that this is not out of the blue. They want to say that the relationship has been failing long before this. They want to say all the things that you have done wrong. They want to lash out at things you failed at or bring up past incidents. And, they will. They will because they are dying inside. They are feeling a mix of hatred for themselves, devastation of the betrayal of friends/family/you and a sense of inner pride that tells them to go down swinging. It's survival. It doesn't mean to hurt you further, or even to tarnish your reputation, it is just their way of trying to get through the day to day pain.
For now, it's totally understandable to find your inner bitch -- get angry -- get a lawyer. Freeze your assets. Protect yourself. And, if you decide to go to counseling, put it all on the line. Don't hold back -- say what needs to be said. Jump all the way into the pool... be vulnerable, but you have to be willing to forgive. If you can't, find a different road.
I know that none of this makes sense to you now, but in time, I hope it will. Fact is, if you share children, you will be in their life forever. So eventually, may you lose the anger, for he/she is deeply sorry. May you lose the sadness and find happiness, for they are forever striving to find the same. May you look back at your relationship and remember the good times because there were so many. May you wish them well because the golden rule pertains even in adult hood. May you love your children and try to remember that they love your (ex)spouse too -- watch your words, your actions because your children don't need to feel torn between mom and dad. Eventually, when you start dating again, choose wisely. In time, it will become easier to be in each other's company without crying or wanting to kill each other. But remember in moments of quiet alone time, they still miss what you had -- and perhaps, they miss you a bit too.
But don't expect them to show it.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Leaving for Mexico tomorrow -- Oh, how my soul longs for the ocean!
I think I was born a beach bum....my favorite memories growing up involved the beach. Toes in the sand, breeze through my hair and smile on my face. I was just telling a patient about my home away from home, La Jolla, CA. I spent so much time there -- every chance we had -- which included every summer, every school break and even some quick weekend getaways. We were so innocent in those days...mom and dad at the beach, while I was **free** to roam whereever I wanted...and I did...hours at a time, all by myself. I still laugh about the huge waves that made my sister and I clasp on to each other's arm and try to duck under - both of us had to have been terrified - we were practically the only idiots in the water (and terrible undertow) but inbetween almost being swept out to the depths of a brutal ocean, we laughed whole-heartidly. I think if I could have peed my "pants," I would have....it still makes me laugh today. And, as an adult, I treasure La Jolla for so many different reasons. It's peaceful and beautiful. I have billions of pictures of my boys growing up just the way I did (although, they don't roam, like I did -- especially after Cole tried to disappear on me when he was 3....ugh) I just absolutely LOVE it there.
The beach just draws me to it. I'm funny. I like a COLD, desolate beach. Beaches in the winter are my FAVORITE. So, tomorrow, I will follow my heart back to the water in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. It's the place that I have now adopted as my new home. It's the place where I married my love with my children next to me, holding my hand and smiles on our faces. It's the ocean. It's the beach. And, I cannot wait to get there.
See, the ocean does something for me. It's vast and treacherous and makes me remember I am just a speck on this great Earth. Somehow, just remembering that puts my problems into perspective. Sure, things get tough, and I have difficult times, but we ALL DO. It makes me love my neighbors in life just that much more. An appreciation. An understanding. It also makes me feel STRONG. I feel like I can conquer everything. I have already in so many ways. And watching my boys play in the sand, or in the waves, makes my heart dance. They are the best of friends and I am the most blessed mamabear there is.
I simply can't wait...to charge up my spirit and dance in some moist, salty, ocean air.
The beach just draws me to it. I'm funny. I like a COLD, desolate beach. Beaches in the winter are my FAVORITE. So, tomorrow, I will follow my heart back to the water in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. It's the place that I have now adopted as my new home. It's the place where I married my love with my children next to me, holding my hand and smiles on our faces. It's the ocean. It's the beach. And, I cannot wait to get there.
See, the ocean does something for me. It's vast and treacherous and makes me remember I am just a speck on this great Earth. Somehow, just remembering that puts my problems into perspective. Sure, things get tough, and I have difficult times, but we ALL DO. It makes me love my neighbors in life just that much more. An appreciation. An understanding. It also makes me feel STRONG. I feel like I can conquer everything. I have already in so many ways. And watching my boys play in the sand, or in the waves, makes my heart dance. They are the best of friends and I am the most blessed mamabear there is.
I simply can't wait...to charge up my spirit and dance in some moist, salty, ocean air.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
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