Yin Yang

An ancient concept and symbol referring to complementary opposites, such as light/dark, day/night, masculine/feminine, sun/moon. Yin is seen as dark, passive and feminine. Yang is seen as light, active, and masculine.

My life is a strange dichotomy. I am sitting here on this beautifully overcast day listening to Christian music. Feeling the Spirit, I am flippin' through Facebook and I just "liked" Eminem. I fucking LOVE Slim Shady!

See what I mean?

And it isn't just that my music taste runs the gamut either....

When I was in high school, I was very active in my church. I was a peer leader in my congregation (got baptized, first communion, confession, and confirmed Catholic.) I was one of two people chosen to represent Catholic youth in Maricopa County as a Diocesan Youth Minister when the Pope came to Phoenix. It was quite an honor. But when the day was done at church, I hurried home, got dressed and went out for the night to drink, smoke pot and have sex. (not exactly written in church doctrines.) At my Confirmation, I stood there in my beautiful white dress before our Bishop and told him my newly confirmed name shall be "John."

I have always been a very social person. I have a lot of friends. I make them easily and they never disappear. At a quick glance, I have 566 friends on facebook (and with the exception of Tim McGraw and George Strait -- I consider them all "friends") Yet, I am happiest and fullest when I am all alone. I enjoy the peace and quiet. I like writing poetry and listening to music. I love to daydream. I crave silence.

Simple breakdowns off the top of my head, as well:

I am a great mother and love them more than anything in the world, but daydream about a different life that finds me as a barefoot, broke bartender in a small beachfront town.

I am ready to move on to the next phase in my life with children that are older, but my heart still longs for another baby.

I don't see the necessity in getting married ever again, but I can't wait to do it, either.

I am fiscally very republican and socially very democratic.

I find black men the most attractive on this planet, however have only fallen in love with 2 white ones.

I love my job but would give anything to stay home.

I am proud of the woman's movement but wonder if we actually made a world that's more difficult for us to succeed.

I value education believing that a college education is a must, but I would swell with pride if my son dropped out of high school and joined the military.

I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman with a perfectly lovely body but then gasp in disbelief when I see the high number on the scale!

And it goes on and on.....

I've been thinking about this a lot as of late. I've been wondering if it means that I don't quite know who I am or who I want to be...but I have come to the conclusion that that's hogwash.

I am me.

There is no one in the world quite like me.

Yin Yang.

Simply complex.

Me.

In hopes of returning to my early blog days...

Back in the day, I would write about 3 things that I was grateful for or appreciated in one way or the other. It was a great way to remember the little things and helped me stay positive. The kind of things that, in the middle of "life," seem to get dismissed. So, just like "Michael Finnigan," I will "begin again...."

1. My boys. Dear sweet chitlins of mine. I have no idea how I created such beautiful perfect creatures (OK, maybe not PERFECT, but close enough) There have been several rough patches in their young lives -- but they grace this world with acceptance and a sort of calm that I imagine only a child can feel. They simply roll with the punches. I am so grateful that they have each other too -- comrades of sorts -- it's a bond that I adore. I got their report cards yesterday. Dane got straight A's (he even got two A+s!!!) The fifth grade curriculum is challenging, but he masters it. Cole's grades are different (not the traditional A,B,C...) but he got perfect grades as well. More importantly, they both got all Es for behavior...that's excellent, people. And these children came out of MY body!? :-)

2. Overcast skies. There is just something about the smell of rain in the air. I woke up this morning and opened up the house. The cool fall air is blowing thru - I am listening to music and simply enjoying the day. I suppose it is because I live in Arizona and don't see the clouds very often. I simply love the smell of desert rain. That, and I look much better in jeans and a hoodie than a bathing suit. :)

3. Paychecks. I know that sounds a bit trite and shallow -- however after years of struggling with money, it's nice to actually see a check worth writing home about. :) I finally have a little wiggle room. I got to take the boys out to dinner last night. It's been a long time coming. That paycheck represents years of hard work and landing a job I love. It also helps me know that it was all worth it. My kids deserve a treat -- and I can give it to them! Me, myself and I. cha-ching!

Martina McBride - Anyway

When the world says,

"Give up,"

HOPE whispers,

"Try it one more time."

Commit yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally to the most important people in your life. --Brian Tracy