Had a friend die on Tuesday....and it's put me in a bit of a fog...

I find myself questioning so much -- and I don't like to do that.  I am the kind of person that wants to be certain of things -- of myself, of my choices, of my relationship, of my friendships....of my purpose.  So, in times like these, it's like there are a million tiny pieces of myself floating without meaning headed toward a vast unknown....(I am picturing more of a Wonkavision scene versus a James Frey book)...and that's dangerous for me.  Times like these generally get me into trouble.  I push people away.  I drink too much.  I retreat to a lonely "I got this" solitude.  I'm not a good friend, a good mother or a good wife.  I'm trying hard to control it....attempting to hold this monster inside me down...the one that tells me to "RUN" and "SEIZE THE DAY" fearful that the sands of my hourglass are dwindling....I'm trying to stay engaged in this life...unafraid of the what ifs and more sure of the NOW.    I'm trying.

Oh, the mind. It gets so easily snagged on the negative. Something happens and it doesn't unfold the way we hoped and the mind just spins. And replays. And spins some more. Sometimes it's our own behavior that disappoints us. We feel angry or heartbroken about the way we showed up with someone and long to do it over. Rewrite it in our minds. Say it right, or do it differently.

Sometimes it's some...one else. There are so many experiences in life that just don't have clear, definable endings. People do not reveal themselves in a linear fashion anymore than life does. Once in awhile someone we've been close to for a long time pulls away suddenly and without explanation. Or we are betrayed or shamed. This doesn't feel good when it happens with people we are just getting to know, either. It's hard to let go of things without closure, without a full understanding of what transpired. But life and people just don't come wrapped up in neat little packages like that. We humans are messy and complicated, and life is always throwing us curveballs and forks in the road. When we hold on to anger or judgment or blame, or drive ourselves crazy trying to redo something that can't be redone, we are the ones who suffer.

Here's the thing. You are not going to understand everything. Not everything is going to be explained. Not everyone is going to communicate in a way that gives you peace. Very frequently in life, you have to find the peace yourself. We all make mistakes. No one shows up as their highest self in every moment. At a certain point, you really have to forgive yourself and forgive others for their humanness. Human-mess. And...Let. It. Go.

Pain is perfectly natural. Sometimes we are in pain with no explanation and the only solution is to open to it. To lean into it, to explore it, to accept this is how things are for now, and to remember everything is in a constant state of flux. To be kind to yourself. How you feel now is not how you'll feel forever, or even next week. Sit with your pain, but do your best to release the details, the obsession, the do-overs. Because that is called living in the past. That is called missing the moment. And the moments are precious. You don't want to spend too many of them agonizing over what has happened and why, or making yourself sick with worry about what might happen in the future. Just come back to right now.

You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to get everything right, and neither does, or will, anyone else. It's part of the deal of being human. Embrace that. Examine your mistakes long enough to understand yourself, and well enough to avoid repeating them. Accept that other people have their own path to walk and manage, and it may not always be pretty. And carry on. Life is too short to miss. I'm pretty sure of that.