Dane's running for school President....

and I'm so proud of him. I don't care if he wins or if he loses, quite frankly. What I care about is that I have a beautiful child who takes risks and sets goals. Dane was in 3rd grade when he vowed that he would be Treasurer in 4th grade, Vice President in 5th grade and President in 6th. So far, he's accomplished his goal. Now the vote are in the hands of his classmates. Dane admits that this may be the year he loses, but he is ok with it (at this point anyway....) I just have to say -- that I am beyond proud of my 10 year old -- who wrote his own speech and came up with the idea to dress like a Scorpion all on his own. I'm so proud of him for trying.... ...and being so damn cute doing it. :) GO DANE!

I'm finding it very difficult to not be happy or to get the smile off my face....

....there are things to bitch about -- but that certainly isn't one of them!! :)

I feel so complete. I don't know another way to say it. I feel like my dreams have been reached, like I'm on the top of the mountain enjoying the view.

I have struggled so much the last few years -- really 5 years. I think of how far I have come. I was in an unhappy marriage, a stay at home mom then the divorce and betrayal of friends, my dad's death, nursing school....and I kept going forward.

And here I am today. I'm married to the most beautiful man. My children are blessed by having two homes full of love. I'm a nurse. I am able to touch lives daily. My house is beautiful, my heart is huge. I laugh all the time. Smiles come from my core. I have no one to impress -- no one else to be.

Basking in it.....

...finally.

MVI 6369

I'm MARRIED!!!

Justin and I tied the knot this past Saturday the 14th in Mexico!

It was everything I dreamed it would be - and then some. We have been through so very much together - 4 and a half years of laughter and smiles as well as some very difficult times. We've moved 3 times, had holidays and birthdays, celebrations and deaths, struggled through Nursing School, struggled personally and financially, continued to raise 2 beautiful children, added two dogs to the mix, grew independently, meshed together, cried, laughed uncontrollably, rejoiced in successes and loved each other each step along the way.

Life.

We are both taking this vow very seriously and know that life will bring as much sunshine as it does rain. We are committed to ride the waves. Marriage is work - raising a family is more work. We deserve this and so do Dane and Cole.

The ceremony was just us -- we wrote our vows with the boys -- it was very touching. We stood in a family circle. We didn't exactly "elope" - our closest friends and both families (including my ex) knew. We just didn't exactly tell people in time that they would be able to attend. My brother and his partner were there -- and a couple of nearest and dearest. We were barefoot in the sand -- waves blowing our hair, sunglasses on our faces, smiles beaming and tears streaming. Like I said, it was how I ALWAYS wanted to get married.

I have 10 million pictures -- and a video -- that I'll be editing and sharing today. We rented jet skis, took the boys out fishing in the ocean, body surfed, ate at some amazing places, got my hair braided, bought the boys trinkets (and a concrete monkey -- "haven't you always wanted a monkey!?") and took it all in.

I have never been so happy in my entire life.

Wednesday -- happy ^HUMP^ day.....

....the days are dragging by in desperate anticipation for the weekend. I am suppose to work tomorrow and we are headed out of the country Friday - so today is really the last day for me to do anything.

Yet, I feel like cranking Jimmy Buffett, cracking open a beer and playing outside in the beautiful Arizona sunshine with sincere gratitude and happiness.

It's been a long time since I've had this smile...no, not just the outward one that everyone sees -- but the one INSIDE my soul...where I feel absolutely in love with my life and bursting at the heart seams. It's intensely perfect.

I'm also a realist and know it won't last.....

I woke up this morning and this utter calmness and happiness dawned on me. Like I said, it's been YEARS...and oddly enough, I wanted to call Sunshine.

uh.....?

Again, I am not missing him romantically -- but noone from my past, in this world, has ever known me as well. I am so proud of the person I am today. I really really am....and the people who have travelled this incredibly difficult road with me and still remain by my side.. should be too. And, he is. I know it. This morning, I just sort of wanted to talk to an old friend and rehash the BULLSHIT that I caused and went through and celebrate my life today...and my first thought was him.

...but he is not my friend...and certainly not available to reflect with.....

....and that's okay.

So, I journal -- and blog -- and remember a love so very pure and rejoice in a love that has been fought for and earned and is mine today. I am so happy to have had my relationship with Sunshine -- I simply wouldn't be who I am without it -- and that's not even to mention our beautiful children. Because my love for him was real, I am able to 100% love again - to learn the lessons that our love loss taught me - to fight for things, and let other things go. It's not terrible to be divorced. It's not terrible to have loved, and lost. It's TERRIBLE to stop there.

And, I haven't.

I am worth it.

Justin is worth it.

And, however odd it seems, I am thanking Sunshine today for teaching me how to love -- and how to love right.

Have you ever been so excited -- you just want to scream...

...like a kid before Christmas....or, well.....some other major event in your life that you literally are counting down the MINUTES for?????

Ya?

Me too!

I am SO happy this morning...

...it's crazy. Now, I know this high isn't going to last -- it never does -- but I'm going to relish in it's moment. So indulge me.

I finished a most fantabulous book this morning -- Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce by Gabriel Cohen -- I started it the night before last. This spiritual journey I am on has done remarkable things for my inner me. This book is delicious. Anyone who has is going through or has been through a painful divorce/breakup should read it. It's phenomenal and gives simple steps on how to facilitate CHANGE in your thinking. By changing the way you think, your relationship with your ex will change and it will help your next relationship. Sunshine and I have been separated 4 1/2 years and this book still touches a very personal place in my heart (and in my gut.) It's got me thinking -- that is for sure. Buddhism lies in being kind - in thinking compassionately. Everyone wants to be happy, no one wants to suffer. If I can keep that in the forefront of my hardheaded noggin, things would be a lot better.



I am thinking deeply about writing a letter to Sunshine. Apologizing. I know I hurt him incredibly and made him feel like a failure. I hate that I did that to a man I loved more than anything. I will always love him - not in a "I want him back way" - but because we spent 14 years of our lives loving each other and have two beautiful boys together. I also am thinking about writing Sunshine's wife...my former friend...a letter, as well. I want to let her know that I am sorry for the very ugly things I did and said after the split. Trust me, I am not zen-like and bouncing on the clouds here -- I am still deeply hurt and surprised by her choices, but I understand that "everyone just wants to be happy" applies to her as well. I can only be responsible for my actions and my thoughts -- and I am uber tired of them being negative. I need to be okay with whatever response they give me, however, and it could range from warm and receptive to thinking I'm crazy (and telling me so) and ignoring them completely. Hell, they might just rip them up -- and I need to be okay with that. Cleaning up my side of the road, so I can continue on the "Road That Has Risen To Meet Me." (clever tie back to the name of my blog, if I must say...)

This all is possible because my relationship with Justin is everything I hoped it would be -- solid. We aren't looking back. We made our choice. Jumped in with both feet. We have taken a crazy path and been through so much, but when I step back and look at it -- it's beautifully flawed and beautifully us. I love that man deeply. And, so do my children. We are one big happy family. And, I am thrilled to grow old with that man.