I just started and finished "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper

Apparently, it's a true story of a man who dies and returns to life after such death. I say it like that simply because much like the belief in Jesus Christ that this minister preaches about, you have to have a blind faith in his word. It's an intriguing read though as evidenced by (I guess nursing school care plans never really leave you) my inability to put the book down.

I don't really know what I believe. I suppose I believe in his account -- at least I want to. Piper (not to be confused with my sweet Chihuahua, Piper) had been in a terrible head on collision and was determined to be dead upon the EMTs arrival. It wasn't until 90 minutes later when another preacher friend was praying over the wreckage did Piper begin to pray and sing along. Ya. Uh huh. (Gotta believe) He describes those 90 minutes in heaven at the beginning of the book -- a mere chapter or two -- and the rest is more about his painful recovery and ministry of word and comfort that followed.

Heaven. He describes being surrounded by everyone who ever loved him. They were happy and singing and embracing him with love. He wasn't sad and didn't think about the ones that he had left behind. I hope this is true. I like to think about when my dad passed -- and soon after, when his brother, my uncle, passed. I like to think about them seeing each other -- their father, their mother, their sister and then all of the hundreds of people that passed before them. I suppose it's all because I like to think (and truly believe)that I will see them again, as well. His description of being surrounded by love and beauty is hopeful to me.

Everything I experienced was like a first-class buffet for the senses. I had never felt such powerful embraces or feasted my eyes on such beauty. Heaven's light and texture defy earthly eyes or explanation. Warm, radiant light engulfed me. As I looked around, I could hardly grasp the vivid, dazzling colors. Every hue and tone surpassed anything i had ever seen.

I suppose what freaks me out about this book is that I am not where I feel that I need to be on my Christian journey with Jesus Christ. I believe in my own special relationship with Him but I do feel that I need to deepen that relationship. It's been in the back of my mind silently tugging at me for years. I remember back when I was married to Joel that we went on a church hunt. I grew up in a very ritual, formal Catholic church and it didn't reach me and actually offended Joel, so we searched. I've always wanted my children to be raised with faith -- and believe that a foundation has to be laid for children to feel confidant in searching out their own faith. It waxed and wained... sometimes I thought I'd start on fire if I entered a church and other times, I'd attend church several times a week -- as if Sunday couldn't come soon enough. Any which way, my goal is to become spiritually healthy. I long for a relationship with a partner that values such a thing, as well and hopefully my children will remain inspired to learn the Word.

The church I attend now is called Sun Valley Community Church. It's Christian based. I feel very touched every time I attend and both of my children (oldest especially) truly enjoy it as well. At church this past weekend the pastor was talking about traveling down a hard road and simply believing that you have to KEEP GOING. He told the story from Genesis about Joseph. The poor guy was teased by his 11 brothers -- and eventually betrayed and sold into slavery by them. While in slavery, he was falsely accused of rape and imprisoned. Repeatedly, the bible states that "Jesus was by his side." Eventually, Joseph translated some dreams for fellow prisoners (did you just get a bright picture of him in a techno colored robe?) One of which was doom and gloom -- the guy was gonna die -- the other was that the prisoner would be released and work with the Pharaoh. Both accounts proved to be right on. Later the Pharaoh asks Joesph to interpret his dream, which he does correctly about 7 years of feast and 7 years of famine (look it up...it's a long chapter, and football practice is looming...LOL) and Joesph ends up getting released from prison, and becoming the number two most powerful man (next to the Pharaoh.) He always had faith. He always believed that Jesus would take care of him. Yes, Jesus was by his side and he lived a happy, prosperous life interpreting dreams. Interesting.

Sidenote: It was a funny moment when the pastor said "Imagine being in prison after such terrible things and thinking to yourself, 'look dude, if this is what you call being with me -- maybe I don't want your support anymore.' It was funny -- but that is so completely how I have felt on and off the past 3 years. In my lowest moments (and there have been some doozies) I have literally fallen to my knees and begged Jesus to somehow guide me - to help me. In those dark days (weeks, months,)I felt I needed Him desperately. I questioned if He was with me at all or if the Devil was too powerful in my life.

Further in the service, the pastor was talking about how, years ago, he looked out and saw the same woman at church every week. He said he was confused why she left every week early -- half way through his sermon. He wondered if he was losing his ability to reach his congregation. He began to notice that the woman always started to cry right before she left. Eventually, the woman stayed for the entire service and then, one day, approached the pastor after the service. She described her situation - wrought with sadness, condemnation, addiction, fear and loss. She had lost her family, her home and her dreams -- yet she felt that Jesus was still by her side. She returned to church because she felt an "indescribable pull" to attend-- believing that maybe there was a better life for her and her family -- but something in each service made her feel as though she wasn't good enough for Jesus. That is why, in embarrassment and shame, she would leave. Yet day in and day out, she started to feel Jesus and believe he was by her side. She started to see her life turn around slowly for the better. And through the months that followed became a full follower understanding that Jesus loves us -- and already forgives us. It's simple -- we have to be open to his love and forgiveness --it's waiting for us if we accept it.

Sigh. I haven't made it through a service without crying.

That story could one day be my own.

"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you." 1 PETER 5:6-7

And my spiritual path continues....

September 28th -- time has been flying by

Here I sit in Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm currently living with my Mom. I thought it was going to be much worse, truth be told, but it is actually quite nice. I really am hardly ever here and she accepts that I'm an adult. I follow her rules and she allows me my space. She is an amazing woman and I am grateful that she opened her home to me and my boys. I like living in the Arcadia area again. The streets bring back such memories even if most of the homes are unrecognizable. I spent my entire childhood riding on these roads, playing in these houses and figuring out who I was going to be in adulthood. It's familiar. TeePee is around the corner. I even hiked Camelback Mountain this morning. I don't plan on staying long around here -- so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

The move was tough. Packing up my old house brought all sorts of emotions of which I was unprepared. The weeks were dark leading up to the move. I suppose packing was different when I left my last house -- the divorce was final and I was moving on with someone I deeply loved. This time -- there was no divorce (because there was no marriage) and I was alone. I was moving home to mama -- on a weekend when my ex-husband was getting married and I just felt defeated. It was a closure on a piece of my life I wasn't ready to put closure to - to (what I deemed) was going to be the loss of my independence, the acceptance of failure of some sort and the realization that I did not have anyone by my side helping ease the blow. It was lonely...and I've come to find out, I don't deal well with loneliness.

In the month that I have been here -- the smile has returned to my face. I've worked out the kinks with the Arizona State Board of Nursing and officially got an RN position on 7N. I work on the only certified stroke unit in the East Valley. With this position, I will learn how to do CAPD exchanges (dialysis), become certified in stroke care, nuero analysis, EKG, cardiac monitoring, etc. It's a fantastic opportunity and an amazing place to JUMP to other specialties. I am starting to feel like the ED (emergency department) may be the avenue I'll travel. I've been told several times that I have the personality for such a place. We will see -- as I am comfortable on 7N and feel like they are extended family (going on three years there!)

My life is starting to pan out -- there is an end in sight to the bills that piled up in the past few months. My schedule is still incredibly insane, but I actually feel like I have a firm foundation on whether or not I am coming or going. The boys are continuing to excel, both in school and in football. My relationship with Joel still sucks (divorce has NOT made that better) but I'm hoping that when he gets a job(he's been unemployed and NON PAYING all of this year) he will lay off on all the negative comments, looks, emails and texts. I wish him the very best -- I do. He is a good man and deserves to be happy. I've been in counseling all month and it has helped tremendously lay out the priorities in my life and clear the cobwebs in my head. As for my personal life, well...let's just say that I am doing what I feel is right. I am not going to speak about it publicly because I have learned that was a huge mistake in the past. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks anyway (the good, the bad, or the ugly) and gathering all my family and friends opinions only ended up being confusing and hurtful when I didn't do what they wanted and/or they didn't say what jived with my heart. I appreciate my friends and family (and their good intentions,) but I also have been through enough (and heard enough advice) in the past 5 years to last a lifetime. It's my life and I will live it the best way I know how. I know now that the people who love me will be with me though hell and high water, so I finally feel confidant keeping my personal life, well, personal. :-) Let's just say that I haven't felt lonely all month...and have it be known that I am really, truly, happy.

...and it's only going to get better from here. Trust me on that.

I'm coming back folks....

It's been quite a few weeks -- full of transitions and new beginnings. There was some dark days that included the anniversary of my dad's death (3 years now,) my ex-husband becoming someone else's husband (and more painfully, my children gaining a step-mother,) a move, and loss of certain relationships that I valued. HOWEVER, there has also been great things happening. My life is moving forward. I am taking charge of finding my own ground to stand on which included getting back into counseling. My family has been paramount in facilitating this growth and I will forever be grateful to them and their love. And, on the horizon, I see light. Of course, some days the clouds will roll in -- but I know that they will eventually lead way to the sun.

I'll be back, ladies and gentleman....and the blogging will come at regular intervals.

Yeah!