Crazy fast year -- Crazy YEAR, in general.
I love this time of year...the hustle and bustle of the holiday and the mounting anticipation of the upcoming year. It usually throws me into nostalgia -- about the year that passed and then, of course, to a more simple time with people I love (several which are gone now -- permanently or figuratively.)
But in this post, I want to write about next year.
1-1-11 will bring a promise of a peaceful year. I pray that my family and friends stay healthy and that worries are few. I tend to dream big and wish large (and those that know me well know I wish OFTEN!!) but for 2011, I want to keep it simple. In order for me to achieve this, I have a few personal goals:
I want my children to be happy and safe. Most of all, I want more smiles than stress and sunshine than strife. I want to start making happy new memories. I want to be able to reflect on 2010 as an unbelievably difficult year that we conquered. My boys need to understand I wouldn't be the PERSON I am without them. I am a mother. I am a nurse. I am a happy, God-loving strong survivor because they gave me reason to be. There is nothing in this world I want more; I want them to know how very special each of them are and how blessed I feel to be their Mom.
I want to be happy and surround myself with happy people. People come into your life for a reason or a season. I am planning on making certain "reason" people, "season" people. I vow to tell my friends and family how much I love and appreciate them. I plan to do right by all of them. Also, to a degree, I have to try and be a little selfish. I need to learn to say "no" and take time for myself, too. I want to focus on having a smile on my face when I go to bed and a thankful prayer in my heart daily.
I want to brush away negativity. For this to be successful, I need to get rid of a lot of the "noise." When reflecting on 2010, most of my tension and tears came in lieu of my ex-husband, aka: Mr. Sunshine. Hear me well, oh blog land of mine, it will be a hope of mine to get along with this man in the year to come. It likely means that I will have to ignore him, but it also means that I will breathe cleaner air. For it has come to my attention, front and center, that he is surrounded by negative thoughts, a lot of ugly people and has a miserable cheap ass dead-beat existence. So, who needs it? (hey, it's still 2010 - I can say that still.)
And, I digress....
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Yesterday is over....whew!
It wasn't so bad. I had to be there at 0800. It was at the Doctor's office, which was a nice reprieve from visiting the hospital. Justin took the day off and we nervously waited int he waiting room (where we once giggled in humor and happiness, now we just stared blankly until we heard my name.) I was introduced to the anesthesiologist and his helper bee. He started an IV in my hand in seriously 3 seconds flat (so impressive,) she injected 2 syringes (zofran and ativan) and then Justin was told to wait out in the waiting room. In one swift moment, he kissed 2 of us goodbye in the physical sense hoping one would return. Then, I undressed...my wonderful Doctor came in. We spoke briefly -- she apologized - and then held my hand. It was very appreciated. Next I knew Dr. Anesthesiologist administered the Propofol (my only connection to Michael Jackson) and I awoke with the procedure completed and Justin at my side. My body was once again solely mine.
The day was mostly spent sleeping. We made a big bed out by the TV. We watched a movie. Justin took very good care of me. He made a perfecto dinner (steak and twice baked potato) and we dared not speak a word of the earlier part of the day. Justin even played Santa -- and I am donning a new watch and ring! :) Today, I awake to some pretty uncomfortable cramping and am looking forward to the boys coming home -- and returning to that big family bed. :) Work tomorrow -- then Christmas truly begins....
Moving forward....
The day was mostly spent sleeping. We made a big bed out by the TV. We watched a movie. Justin took very good care of me. He made a perfecto dinner (steak and twice baked potato) and we dared not speak a word of the earlier part of the day. Justin even played Santa -- and I am donning a new watch and ring! :) Today, I awake to some pretty uncomfortable cramping and am looking forward to the boys coming home -- and returning to that big family bed. :) Work tomorrow -- then Christmas truly begins....
Moving forward....
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
I am no longer pregnant.......
and you probably didn't even know I was. I'm sorry for that.
Forewarning: This blog sucks. I am extremely sad. No matter how I try to turn the facts, it still sucks and I'm still sad....
This blog is for me. This blog is for Justin. This is all we have left of the baby and all I can do to "remember" him/her.
It all began when I made an appointment to get the Essure (permanent birth control.) I was very happy with my two children. At the time I made the appointment, Justin and I were not quite back together and there was no one else in this world that I would have wanted to have a child with, so it seemed like an appropriate thing to do. After a lot of soul searching, counseling and facing our feelings, we decided to get back together. He didn't want me to do something so permanent and we had some good conversations about it. The truth is, Justin really wants a child of his own -- but he told me that he was happy with Dane and Cole as well. I changed the appointment once so we could be sure and was then instructed to go off the pill. My job finally started to pan out and I was set to start orientation on the day that I had my appt for the Essure. I cancelled the appt. I told the Dr. I was going to go back on the pill. I waited for my period to begin to start my packs -- and it never did.
November 9th:
Absolutely shocked! I felt like I might be pregnant. I had those ligament pulls and tender boobs -- but still, there is nothing quite like finding out for sure. What a range of emotions. This was certainly very different from the other times I was pregnant. I wasn't married. I was actually dating a man that my family didn't approve of. My life was just getting back on track. Justin and I both giggled in nervousness. I could tell he was VERY happy which made me believe everything would be ok.
We ended up telling my family -- which wasn't easy. There were tears and hurt feelings -- and while I understand everyone's trepidation with the relationship Justin and I have, it isn't the way a baby should be introduced into the family. The thing that is GREAT about my family (and friends) is that they love me. And that love we have for each other is greater than anything else. Quickly, everyone began to see the baby for the great things he/she could bring. I had so many hopes and dreams. Maybe this would be my girl. This baby was promise and a new beginning. Sure, I was scared. I was scared of my age (I am going to be 36) and worried about my body. I didn't know how the boys would deal with the news...there were so many unknowns -- but front and center was love and excitement. When the boys found out -- Dane was very excited. He said to Cole, "now you will see what it's like to be the big brother and blamed for everything." LOL -- Cole cried....dramatic..."My whole life is going to change." My baby. Being the baby myself (and enjoying that role,) I can sympathize with him.
The next 6+ weeks were a roller coaster. First they didn't see a baby in the sac. Then the baby wasn't measuring right. HCG quants and ultrasounds weekly -- progress every week. Hope. I figured it was just the way I do pregnancy -- nothing is ever easy. But week after week, the baby was growing, levels increasing. I was throwing up and sleeping a lot. My boobs hurt and I was peeing more than usual. I was getting so healthy too. I just really thought that this baby was going to defy all the nay sayers and be exactly what we needed -- a true blessing from God.
Well yesterday was yet another ultrasound with the fateful words, "there is no heartbeat." What a blow! Holding Justin's hand, I could almost feel the air rush out of us. I wasn't really shocked. It's my body after all -- and things weren't really progressing "normal" but nothing ever prepares you for that news -- when you want that baby so much. I've been through this rigamaroll before -- the conversation with the doctor. The sympathetic eyes, the "I'm sorry's" and all the medical jargon. The baby is gone....and I'm just going thru the motions.
Tuesday, December 21st will be another D&C. The doctor does them in her office (thank god). She wants to know why my body never clues into the fact that the baby has died. My crappy body still thinks it's nurturing a healthy fetus -- no spotting, no cramping. In January, she wants me to do an autoimmune workup. We especially want to do one if we are considering trying for another baby.
...trying for another baby...
sigh.
Today -- I just want the one in my belly. I want this baby, damnit -- with all the trials and tribulations we have gone through already. I am so sad. So angry with my stupid body. Ashamed that I can't do this for Justin. Devastated that I had to explain it to my children. I said the cliche, "God just takes care of it the way he sees fit." and Cole said, "he kills babies?" Oh geez..... Cole cried. Dane thinks. He asks questions. Cole finally said, "so Mom, next time we can all decided to have another baby instead of just you and Justin, right?"
Yes, Bobo.... next time you will know...if there is to be a next time.
For now, I'm going to just be sad. I'm going to just get thru Tuesday and start healing.
Another baby in heaven....
...hope my Dad is enjoying her.
Forewarning: This blog sucks. I am extremely sad. No matter how I try to turn the facts, it still sucks and I'm still sad....
This blog is for me. This blog is for Justin. This is all we have left of the baby and all I can do to "remember" him/her.
It all began when I made an appointment to get the Essure (permanent birth control.) I was very happy with my two children. At the time I made the appointment, Justin and I were not quite back together and there was no one else in this world that I would have wanted to have a child with, so it seemed like an appropriate thing to do. After a lot of soul searching, counseling and facing our feelings, we decided to get back together. He didn't want me to do something so permanent and we had some good conversations about it. The truth is, Justin really wants a child of his own -- but he told me that he was happy with Dane and Cole as well. I changed the appointment once so we could be sure and was then instructed to go off the pill. My job finally started to pan out and I was set to start orientation on the day that I had my appt for the Essure. I cancelled the appt. I told the Dr. I was going to go back on the pill. I waited for my period to begin to start my packs -- and it never did.
November 9th:
Absolutely shocked! I felt like I might be pregnant. I had those ligament pulls and tender boobs -- but still, there is nothing quite like finding out for sure. What a range of emotions. This was certainly very different from the other times I was pregnant. I wasn't married. I was actually dating a man that my family didn't approve of. My life was just getting back on track. Justin and I both giggled in nervousness. I could tell he was VERY happy which made me believe everything would be ok.
We ended up telling my family -- which wasn't easy. There were tears and hurt feelings -- and while I understand everyone's trepidation with the relationship Justin and I have, it isn't the way a baby should be introduced into the family. The thing that is GREAT about my family (and friends) is that they love me. And that love we have for each other is greater than anything else. Quickly, everyone began to see the baby for the great things he/she could bring. I had so many hopes and dreams. Maybe this would be my girl. This baby was promise and a new beginning. Sure, I was scared. I was scared of my age (I am going to be 36) and worried about my body. I didn't know how the boys would deal with the news...there were so many unknowns -- but front and center was love and excitement. When the boys found out -- Dane was very excited. He said to Cole, "now you will see what it's like to be the big brother and blamed for everything." LOL -- Cole cried....dramatic..."My whole life is going to change." My baby. Being the baby myself (and enjoying that role,) I can sympathize with him.
The next 6+ weeks were a roller coaster. First they didn't see a baby in the sac. Then the baby wasn't measuring right. HCG quants and ultrasounds weekly -- progress every week. Hope. I figured it was just the way I do pregnancy -- nothing is ever easy. But week after week, the baby was growing, levels increasing. I was throwing up and sleeping a lot. My boobs hurt and I was peeing more than usual. I was getting so healthy too. I just really thought that this baby was going to defy all the nay sayers and be exactly what we needed -- a true blessing from God.
Well yesterday was yet another ultrasound with the fateful words, "there is no heartbeat." What a blow! Holding Justin's hand, I could almost feel the air rush out of us. I wasn't really shocked. It's my body after all -- and things weren't really progressing "normal" but nothing ever prepares you for that news -- when you want that baby so much. I've been through this rigamaroll before -- the conversation with the doctor. The sympathetic eyes, the "I'm sorry's" and all the medical jargon. The baby is gone....and I'm just going thru the motions.
Tuesday, December 21st will be another D&C. The doctor does them in her office (thank god). She wants to know why my body never clues into the fact that the baby has died. My crappy body still thinks it's nurturing a healthy fetus -- no spotting, no cramping. In January, she wants me to do an autoimmune workup. We especially want to do one if we are considering trying for another baby.
...trying for another baby...
sigh.
Today -- I just want the one in my belly. I want this baby, damnit -- with all the trials and tribulations we have gone through already. I am so sad. So angry with my stupid body. Ashamed that I can't do this for Justin. Devastated that I had to explain it to my children. I said the cliche, "God just takes care of it the way he sees fit." and Cole said, "he kills babies?" Oh geez..... Cole cried. Dane thinks. He asks questions. Cole finally said, "so Mom, next time we can all decided to have another baby instead of just you and Justin, right?"
Yes, Bobo.... next time you will know...if there is to be a next time.
For now, I'm going to just be sad. I'm going to just get thru Tuesday and start healing.
Another baby in heaven....
...hope my Dad is enjoying her.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
This is the stuff I've been waiting for....
I got off work yesterday and went to meet Justin and the boys at the icecream store. Cole had his chorus concert last night -- and I had to miss it. I was SO happy to see the boys. They were very lovey-dovey which I do enjoy. (It will be a sad day when they outgrow that.) This morning, I woke up first to Justin giving me a kiss goodbye -- and then to Dane crawling in my bed. I LOVE that he is a cuddler -- and an early bird. It gives us time to lay there and talk about life before the chaotic world (and his snoring brother) knows we are awake. And, today is PAYDAY! How silly it is that I enjoy paying bills!?? I suppose after almost a year of not being able to -- it's nice to be on this side of things now. I am being proactive today -- made the dog's vet appts...and am going to call the doctor to ask about removing Cole's wart(ew),laundry, cleaning the house, etc. Then, I have a doctors appt at 1:45. A blog will certainly follow....
Back to sunshine and rainbows...
I am off of work now until Monday! Yeah! We are going Christmas carolling witht the boys tonight. Tomorrow, we have an Essary family Christmas party. Saturday is the Kealy Christmas soup dinner. YEAH!!! I love that night. I love my family. Then Sunday -- house stuff, church and then the boys are spending the night at my sister's so I can goto work without waking them up so early.
We all are smiling....and that stands for something. :)
Back to sunshine and rainbows...
I am off of work now until Monday! Yeah! We are going Christmas carolling witht the boys tonight. Tomorrow, we have an Essary family Christmas party. Saturday is the Kealy Christmas soup dinner. YEAH!!! I love that night. I love my family. Then Sunday -- house stuff, church and then the boys are spending the night at my sister's so I can goto work without waking them up so early.
We all are smiling....and that stands for something. :)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"When I was a child, my mother said to me,
'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general.
If you become a monk
you'll end up as the pope.'
Instead I became a painter
and wound up as Picasso."
-- Pablo Picasso
That's the mother I intend to be. A Mother that will instill a sort of self worth and confidence in my beautiful children to have them truly believe what I already know to be true...
THEY CAN BE ANYTHING THEY WISH TO BE AND BE THE BEST POSSIBLE AT IT!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Deeeeeeeep breath......
(now that's off my chest -- on to something better...)
Things are so good and so busy -- life just is, ya know?
Today is a catch up day.
Truth be told, I've been running crazy the last 6 months (actually 4 years.) This morning I woke up and took a deep breath. I'm finally able to sleep. I'm finally able to breathe.
Today my beautiful youngest child will be honored at his school for winning the "Terrific Kid" award -- a distinction given to only 2 kids in the whole grade. I am beyond proud of him. (Dane ironically won the award in first grade - thus, confirming what I already knew to be true -- my kids are simply TERRIFIC!!) I have to be at school at 2. Until then, I'm going to unpack, shop and get my life (and bills) organized!
In other news, Fall football season has come to a close. Dane's team won the state championship!!!! This season was tough for Dane -- mentally and physically. He battled through a period of really painful headaches (we don't know why -scary stuff) and these guys hit hard! Dane is a little guy -- luckily, he has speed, so he does well. The CHAMPIONSHIP game was a real thrill. I was so very proud of my boy! Cole played in the finals, but came up short. He will be moving up to tackle next season -- which is crazy. It will be fun to have him on the Mighty Mites though. I LOVE football. I LOVE the competition. I love the friends I've made and I LOVE to see the boys do something they truly love to do. It's all so much fun. But, it is also very time consuming. Simply trying to coordinate where we have to be and who is picking up who has proven to be very difficult. The whole family sacrifices. Dane had practice MWF and Cole was TTh. My job doesn't make it easy either -- and I find myself depending on my ex-husband (aka: Mr. Sunshine) which is not anything I truly enjoy (but am grateful for his help - if I have to be honest.)
Life is going really well right now -- there is something overly peaceful about being at the helm of your own ship. I love my house and even if it takes me a year to unpack, I'll love every one of the days doing it. The holiday season is always a crazy time of year -- but always filled with love and blessings. This year is quite different from last. I am so grateful for surviving. I have wonderful friends -- some old, many new. I have a perfect job which proves to be both challenging and fun. I have great support in love and life. And finally, instead of looking forward to when X,Y or Z happens,
I
am
truly
happy
in
the
N-O-W.
:-)
Things are so good and so busy -- life just is, ya know?
Today is a catch up day.
Truth be told, I've been running crazy the last 6 months (actually 4 years.) This morning I woke up and took a deep breath. I'm finally able to sleep. I'm finally able to breathe.
Today my beautiful youngest child will be honored at his school for winning the "Terrific Kid" award -- a distinction given to only 2 kids in the whole grade. I am beyond proud of him. (Dane ironically won the award in first grade - thus, confirming what I already knew to be true -- my kids are simply TERRIFIC!!) I have to be at school at 2. Until then, I'm going to unpack, shop and get my life (and bills) organized!
In other news, Fall football season has come to a close. Dane's team won the state championship!!!! This season was tough for Dane -- mentally and physically. He battled through a period of really painful headaches (we don't know why -scary stuff) and these guys hit hard! Dane is a little guy -- luckily, he has speed, so he does well. The CHAMPIONSHIP game was a real thrill. I was so very proud of my boy! Cole played in the finals, but came up short. He will be moving up to tackle next season -- which is crazy. It will be fun to have him on the Mighty Mites though. I LOVE football. I LOVE the competition. I love the friends I've made and I LOVE to see the boys do something they truly love to do. It's all so much fun. But, it is also very time consuming. Simply trying to coordinate where we have to be and who is picking up who has proven to be very difficult. The whole family sacrifices. Dane had practice MWF and Cole was TTh. My job doesn't make it easy either -- and I find myself depending on my ex-husband (aka: Mr. Sunshine) which is not anything I truly enjoy (but am grateful for his help - if I have to be honest.)
Life is going really well right now -- there is something overly peaceful about being at the helm of your own ship. I love my house and even if it takes me a year to unpack, I'll love every one of the days doing it. The holiday season is always a crazy time of year -- but always filled with love and blessings. This year is quite different from last. I am so grateful for surviving. I have wonderful friends -- some old, many new. I have a perfect job which proves to be both challenging and fun. I have great support in love and life. And finally, instead of looking forward to when X,Y or Z happens,
I
am
truly
happy
in
the
N-O-W.
:-)
Dear Sunshine -- we've been officially divorced 3 years today.
Happy Divorce Anniversary, Asshole.
I know, I know, I should be better than this. But indulge me. I need to vent. It's my blog...
Have I mentioned what a PAIN IN THE ASS being divorced is? I really thought that divorcing the pompous penis would relieve me from his power play. (there are a lot of P's in that sentence! fun!) I look at that man and wonder "WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE DECENT MAN I KNEW?" He's a dirtball. He has filed papers to amend the child support paperwork. It's a joke really. I don't even NEED his money. It's just the principle of it all. I have taken his mistreatment too damn long and now am forced to do something about his dead beat dad status. See, he is behind on child support/alimony - way behind. He's been unemployed for over a year now (well, this doesn't account for the "under the table" BS he pulls...and doesn't claim) I went completely broke as a bat in the last year and NEVER badgered him about it. NOW -- after I start making decent money - and pay for EVERYTHING for the boys (sports, school lunches, clothes, shoes, etc) he starts to come after me!? Living in that house? 2 brand new cars? a Harley? a quad? trips? etc....and he claims he's broke??? I really don't know how he sleeps at night. It makes me SO disgusted. So today, on my lovely day off, I will contact the courts -- and possibly a lawyer and go after his bald, fat loser ass.
Three years divorced - almost four years since we split...and I've never felt more grateful to be out of his grasp than I do today.
Butt-nut.
I know, I know, I should be better than this. But indulge me. I need to vent. It's my blog...
Have I mentioned what a PAIN IN THE ASS being divorced is? I really thought that divorcing the pompous penis would relieve me from his power play. (there are a lot of P's in that sentence! fun!) I look at that man and wonder "WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE DECENT MAN I KNEW?" He's a dirtball. He has filed papers to amend the child support paperwork. It's a joke really. I don't even NEED his money. It's just the principle of it all. I have taken his mistreatment too damn long and now am forced to do something about his dead beat dad status. See, he is behind on child support/alimony - way behind. He's been unemployed for over a year now (well, this doesn't account for the "under the table" BS he pulls...and doesn't claim) I went completely broke as a bat in the last year and NEVER badgered him about it. NOW -- after I start making decent money - and pay for EVERYTHING for the boys (sports, school lunches, clothes, shoes, etc) he starts to come after me!? Living in that house? 2 brand new cars? a Harley? a quad? trips? etc....and he claims he's broke??? I really don't know how he sleeps at night. It makes me SO disgusted. So today, on my lovely day off, I will contact the courts -- and possibly a lawyer and go after his bald, fat loser ass.
Three years divorced - almost four years since we split...and I've never felt more grateful to be out of his grasp than I do today.
Butt-nut.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
"The way you know you have found the right one is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with the person. Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." ~Dinah Craik
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I am very happy tonight...
I'm at my Mom's house. It's late -- late for me, now a days, anyway. It's pitch dark out there in the house but I'm waiting for the dryer to ding and playing around on the computer. In the background, I can hear snoring -- I'm pretty sure it's coming from Dane in the room next to me -- and my mother in the room across the hall. It's a battle that kind of cracks me up. Poor Cole.
I finished my work week tonight and hurried to pick up the boys. I brought them to dinner and talked about the day then we headed back to my Mom's house. The boys showered and went to bed. My Mom and I had a quick, but very needed and nice talk. There is just something about a mother's hug -- I just "get it" when my boy's hug me so -- because I still "get them" from my own Mother. What a blessing.
Tomorrow brings about a new day. We should find out if we got the house tomorrow...I'm just assuming we did. To think that, in no time at all, I will be back in the east valley makes my heart dance. I love it at my mom's but I want my own house. I want to cook dinner and have the boys have set places to do homework. I am DEAD TIRED of the drive. Every bit of my life is in the East valley -- my kid's school and sports, my love, my sister (and her family), my job, my friends and soon...my house. I can't wait.
Then Cole has his first sleep over that isn't at a family members house. He is BEYOND thrilled. In his absence, Dane is going on a date night with my Mom. He is now equally excited. Good times.
And then it's football Saturday for my Cole and his Ravens team. 2 games. Hopefully a championship win -- and then a football party where the parents are going to show where the kids got their skills in a parents vs. kids flag football game. :-) Dane doesn't play until December 4th -- so NO practice tomorrow. It's a very welcome reprieve (even if I will miss my football family! What will I do when the season ends!!?)
It's all molding together nicely...and I'm loving every step of the way.
*DING* (clothes are done)
Good Night all.
I finished my work week tonight and hurried to pick up the boys. I brought them to dinner and talked about the day then we headed back to my Mom's house. The boys showered and went to bed. My Mom and I had a quick, but very needed and nice talk. There is just something about a mother's hug -- I just "get it" when my boy's hug me so -- because I still "get them" from my own Mother. What a blessing.
Tomorrow brings about a new day. We should find out if we got the house tomorrow...I'm just assuming we did. To think that, in no time at all, I will be back in the east valley makes my heart dance. I love it at my mom's but I want my own house. I want to cook dinner and have the boys have set places to do homework. I am DEAD TIRED of the drive. Every bit of my life is in the East valley -- my kid's school and sports, my love, my sister (and her family), my job, my friends and soon...my house. I can't wait.
Then Cole has his first sleep over that isn't at a family members house. He is BEYOND thrilled. In his absence, Dane is going on a date night with my Mom. He is now equally excited. Good times.
And then it's football Saturday for my Cole and his Ravens team. 2 games. Hopefully a championship win -- and then a football party where the parents are going to show where the kids got their skills in a parents vs. kids flag football game. :-) Dane doesn't play until December 4th -- so NO practice tomorrow. It's a very welcome reprieve (even if I will miss my football family! What will I do when the season ends!!?)
It's all molding together nicely...and I'm loving every step of the way.
*DING* (clothes are done)
Good Night all.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
GO TITANS!
Pictures of the Dane's team right after they beat Coolidge: We are headed to state!!! (they are from my friend, Deanna's blog -- you can clearly see her son, Jax, but since Dane is in all the pix too, I stole them - with permission)
At the end of the 27-0 stomping (Dane's in the middle #22):
I LOVE Dane's smile -- barely caught, unknowingly (the best kind) on the right of the picture...
And then one of my personal favorites:
At the end of the 27-0 stomping (Dane's in the middle #22):
I LOVE Dane's smile -- barely caught, unknowingly (the best kind) on the right of the picture...
And then one of my personal favorites:
Today finds me in a place of longing yet again...this morning I awoke, tossed and turned due to the million thoughts running through my head and eventually found myself fling off the side of the bed onto my knees to begin praying. It's a familiar place for me. I pray daily -- multiple times daily -- but in desperation, I literally fall to my knees and plead my case. It's slightly pathetic -- I suppose, I know that He will listen regardless of my stature -- however, it feels REALLY real when I pray like I did when I was a little girl.
It began as the same conversation I have daily with Jesus -- then it turned into a full out tearful BEGGING session. I want this. I want this badly. Please Jesus, let this happen. Let it all work out. Show me the way. Open my heart, open my eyes, make me feel your blessings. Let everyone open their hearts. Stop the judgement. Make this work. Make this work. Make this work.
My future....my relationship...my children....the new house....money...my life.
When I crawled back into bed, I took a huge deep breath and wiped away my tears. I realized something...I don't thank Jesus enough. I feel like I'm always in need -- wanting something, praying, wishing, holding out hope that I can somehow PRAY my life into what I want it to be. The thing is, folks, my life is already planned out in God's book. And thus far, He's been right on.
It's been a very trying few years. I've cried and hurt more than I ever thought possible. It seemed that every dream I had about my life was disintegrated in front of my eyes. And, it seemed right when I was coming out of the fog, something kicked me back down. But looking back now, I see blessings everywhere. I've found an inner strength that I had NO IDEA existed. You simply don't know how strong you are until there really is no other choice. I found some really true friends. I said "goodbye" to some very toxic relationships and I learned to fight for others with a tenacity and determination that even surprised myself. I graduated from nursing school, am employed with an excellent hospital, with awesome coworkers, and I get to make a difference one patient at a time. With that, I accomplished the first real dream I ever remember having -- I wanted to be a nurse since I was a little girl. And amidst all the trials and tribulations, I am continuing to raise the most perfect boys. They are still boys -- still play and fight and get dirty and get hurt -- but they are real gentlemen. They are the very best of their father and the very best of me wrapped up in two deliciously beautiful bodies. The best part is -- they both are individually figuring out who they want to be in this world and making good choices to be the men I always hoped they would become. Wow.
So here I sit: yes. There are so many things I want (and Jesus, you heard all about them this morning) but I will now take the time to say, THANK YOU.
Thank you for my life. Thank you for making me feel your presence in my life daily. Thank you for forgiving me and showing me that I can forgive myself. Thank You for loving me enough. Thank You for making me believe that I am worth it. Thank You for giving me the tools to survive and the courage to ask for help. Thank You for my family. Thank You for my relationship. Thank You for my children. Thank You for the blessing of another chance. Thank You. Thank YOU... THANK YOU.
(phew! Now, I ask, please, can we get that house??!!)
:)
It began as the same conversation I have daily with Jesus -- then it turned into a full out tearful BEGGING session. I want this. I want this badly. Please Jesus, let this happen. Let it all work out. Show me the way. Open my heart, open my eyes, make me feel your blessings. Let everyone open their hearts. Stop the judgement. Make this work. Make this work. Make this work.
My future....my relationship...my children....the new house....money...my life.
When I crawled back into bed, I took a huge deep breath and wiped away my tears. I realized something...I don't thank Jesus enough. I feel like I'm always in need -- wanting something, praying, wishing, holding out hope that I can somehow PRAY my life into what I want it to be. The thing is, folks, my life is already planned out in God's book. And thus far, He's been right on.
It's been a very trying few years. I've cried and hurt more than I ever thought possible. It seemed that every dream I had about my life was disintegrated in front of my eyes. And, it seemed right when I was coming out of the fog, something kicked me back down. But looking back now, I see blessings everywhere. I've found an inner strength that I had NO IDEA existed. You simply don't know how strong you are until there really is no other choice. I found some really true friends. I said "goodbye" to some very toxic relationships and I learned to fight for others with a tenacity and determination that even surprised myself. I graduated from nursing school, am employed with an excellent hospital, with awesome coworkers, and I get to make a difference one patient at a time. With that, I accomplished the first real dream I ever remember having -- I wanted to be a nurse since I was a little girl. And amidst all the trials and tribulations, I am continuing to raise the most perfect boys. They are still boys -- still play and fight and get dirty and get hurt -- but they are real gentlemen. They are the very best of their father and the very best of me wrapped up in two deliciously beautiful bodies. The best part is -- they both are individually figuring out who they want to be in this world and making good choices to be the men I always hoped they would become. Wow.
So here I sit: yes. There are so many things I want (and Jesus, you heard all about them this morning) but I will now take the time to say, THANK YOU.
Thank you for my life. Thank you for making me feel your presence in my life daily. Thank you for forgiving me and showing me that I can forgive myself. Thank You for loving me enough. Thank You for making me believe that I am worth it. Thank You for giving me the tools to survive and the courage to ask for help. Thank You for my family. Thank You for my relationship. Thank You for my children. Thank You for the blessing of another chance. Thank You. Thank YOU... THANK YOU.
(phew! Now, I ask, please, can we get that house??!!)
:)
Monday, November 15, 2010
BE THE DIFFERENCE YOU WANT TO SEE
Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up. As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean. He came closer still and called out, "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?" The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean." "I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man. To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die." Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!" At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."
Friday, November 12, 2010
It's another night in hell
Another child won't live to tell
Can you imagine what it's like to starve to death
And as we sit free and well
Another soldier has to yell
Tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath
C'mon now amen, amen, amen
Habitual offenders, scumbag lawyers with agendas
I'll tell you sometimes people I don't know what's worse
Natural disasters or these wolves in sheep clothes pastors
Now God damn it I'm scared to send my children to church
And how can we seek salvation when our nations race relations
Got me feeling guilty of being white
But faith in human nature, our creator and our savior, I'm no saint
But I believe in what is right
C'mon now amen, amen
I said amen, amen
Stop pointing fingers and take some blame,
Pull your future away from the flame
Open up your mind and start to live
Stop short changing your neighbors
Living off hand outs and favors, and maybe
Give a little bit more than you got to give
Simplify, testify, identify, rectify
And if I get high stop being so uptight
It's only human nature and I am not a stranger
So baby won't you stay with me tonight
When a calls away
to break the sound
I'm faden down, I need someone
Oh to be someone
They just sinken down, and holden back
I hold the dawn and run
They don't save a child
Oh, to save a child
It's a matter of salvation from them patience up above,
So don't give up so damn easy on the one you love, one you love
Somewhere you got a brother, sister, friend, grandmother, niece or nephew
Just dying to be with you
You know there's someone out there who unconditionally, religiously, loves you
So just hold on 'cause you know it's true
And if you can take the pain
And you can withstand anything, and one day
Stand hand in hand with the truth
I said amen, I said amen
I said amen, I said amen,
Amen
Monday, October 25, 2010
Yin Yang
An ancient concept and symbol referring to complementary opposites, such as light/dark, day/night, masculine/feminine, sun/moon. Yin is seen as dark, passive and feminine. Yang is seen as light, active, and masculine.
My life is a strange dichotomy. I am sitting here on this beautifully overcast day listening to Christian music. Feeling the Spirit, I am flippin' through Facebook and I just "liked" Eminem. I fucking LOVE Slim Shady!
See what I mean?
And it isn't just that my music taste runs the gamut either....
When I was in high school, I was very active in my church. I was a peer leader in my congregation (got baptized, first communion, confession, and confirmed Catholic.) I was one of two people chosen to represent Catholic youth in Maricopa County as a Diocesan Youth Minister when the Pope came to Phoenix. It was quite an honor. But when the day was done at church, I hurried home, got dressed and went out for the night to drink, smoke pot and have sex. (not exactly written in church doctrines.) At my Confirmation, I stood there in my beautiful white dress before our Bishop and told him my newly confirmed name shall be "John."
I have always been a very social person. I have a lot of friends. I make them easily and they never disappear. At a quick glance, I have 566 friends on facebook (and with the exception of Tim McGraw and George Strait -- I consider them all "friends") Yet, I am happiest and fullest when I am all alone. I enjoy the peace and quiet. I like writing poetry and listening to music. I love to daydream. I crave silence.
Simple breakdowns off the top of my head, as well:
I am a great mother and love them more than anything in the world, but daydream about a different life that finds me as a barefoot, broke bartender in a small beachfront town.
I am ready to move on to the next phase in my life with children that are older, but my heart still longs for another baby.
I don't see the necessity in getting married ever again, but I can't wait to do it, either.
I am fiscally very republican and socially very democratic.
I find black men the most attractive on this planet, however have only fallen in love with 2 white ones.
I love my job but would give anything to stay home.
I am proud of the woman's movement but wonder if we actually made a world that's more difficult for us to succeed.
I value education believing that a college education is a must, but I would swell with pride if my son dropped out of high school and joined the military.
I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman with a perfectly lovely body but then gasp in disbelief when I see the high number on the scale!
And it goes on and on.....
I've been thinking about this a lot as of late. I've been wondering if it means that I don't quite know who I am or who I want to be...but I have come to the conclusion that that's hogwash.
I am me.
There is no one in the world quite like me.
Yin Yang.
Simply complex.
Me.
Friday, October 22, 2010
In hopes of returning to my early blog days...
Back in the day, I would write about 3 things that I was grateful for or appreciated in one way or the other. It was a great way to remember the little things and helped me stay positive. The kind of things that, in the middle of "life," seem to get dismissed. So, just like "Michael Finnigan," I will "begin again...."
1. My boys. Dear sweet chitlins of mine. I have no idea how I created such beautiful perfect creatures (OK, maybe not PERFECT, but close enough) There have been several rough patches in their young lives -- but they grace this world with acceptance and a sort of calm that I imagine only a child can feel. They simply roll with the punches. I am so grateful that they have each other too -- comrades of sorts -- it's a bond that I adore. I got their report cards yesterday. Dane got straight A's (he even got two A+s!!!) The fifth grade curriculum is challenging, but he masters it. Cole's grades are different (not the traditional A,B,C...) but he got perfect grades as well. More importantly, they both got all Es for behavior...that's excellent, people. And these children came out of MY body!? :-)
2. Overcast skies. There is just something about the smell of rain in the air. I woke up this morning and opened up the house. The cool fall air is blowing thru - I am listening to music and simply enjoying the day. I suppose it is because I live in Arizona and don't see the clouds very often. I simply love the smell of desert rain. That, and I look much better in jeans and a hoodie than a bathing suit. :)
3. Paychecks. I know that sounds a bit trite and shallow -- however after years of struggling with money, it's nice to actually see a check worth writing home about. :) I finally have a little wiggle room. I got to take the boys out to dinner last night. It's been a long time coming. That paycheck represents years of hard work and landing a job I love. It also helps me know that it was all worth it. My kids deserve a treat -- and I can give it to them! Me, myself and I. cha-ching!
1. My boys. Dear sweet chitlins of mine. I have no idea how I created such beautiful perfect creatures (OK, maybe not PERFECT, but close enough) There have been several rough patches in their young lives -- but they grace this world with acceptance and a sort of calm that I imagine only a child can feel. They simply roll with the punches. I am so grateful that they have each other too -- comrades of sorts -- it's a bond that I adore. I got their report cards yesterday. Dane got straight A's (he even got two A+s!!!) The fifth grade curriculum is challenging, but he masters it. Cole's grades are different (not the traditional A,B,C...) but he got perfect grades as well. More importantly, they both got all Es for behavior...that's excellent, people. And these children came out of MY body!? :-)
2. Overcast skies. There is just something about the smell of rain in the air. I woke up this morning and opened up the house. The cool fall air is blowing thru - I am listening to music and simply enjoying the day. I suppose it is because I live in Arizona and don't see the clouds very often. I simply love the smell of desert rain. That, and I look much better in jeans and a hoodie than a bathing suit. :)
3. Paychecks. I know that sounds a bit trite and shallow -- however after years of struggling with money, it's nice to actually see a check worth writing home about. :) I finally have a little wiggle room. I got to take the boys out to dinner last night. It's been a long time coming. That paycheck represents years of hard work and landing a job I love. It also helps me know that it was all worth it. My kids deserve a treat -- and I can give it to them! Me, myself and I. cha-ching!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I just started and finished "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper
Apparently, it's a true story of a man who dies and returns to life after such death. I say it like that simply because much like the belief in Jesus Christ that this minister preaches about, you have to have a blind faith in his word. It's an intriguing read though as evidenced by (I guess nursing school care plans never really leave you) my inability to put the book down.
I don't really know what I believe. I suppose I believe in his account -- at least I want to. Piper (not to be confused with my sweet Chihuahua, Piper) had been in a terrible head on collision and was determined to be dead upon the EMTs arrival. It wasn't until 90 minutes later when another preacher friend was praying over the wreckage did Piper begin to pray and sing along. Ya. Uh huh. (Gotta believe) He describes those 90 minutes in heaven at the beginning of the book -- a mere chapter or two -- and the rest is more about his painful recovery and ministry of word and comfort that followed.
Heaven. He describes being surrounded by everyone who ever loved him. They were happy and singing and embracing him with love. He wasn't sad and didn't think about the ones that he had left behind. I hope this is true. I like to think about when my dad passed -- and soon after, when his brother, my uncle, passed. I like to think about them seeing each other -- their father, their mother, their sister and then all of the hundreds of people that passed before them. I suppose it's all because I like to think (and truly believe)that I will see them again, as well. His description of being surrounded by love and beauty is hopeful to me.
I suppose what freaks me out about this book is that I am not where I feel that I need to be on my Christian journey with Jesus Christ. I believe in my own special relationship with Him but I do feel that I need to deepen that relationship. It's been in the back of my mind silently tugging at me for years. I remember back when I was married to Joel that we went on a church hunt. I grew up in a very ritual, formal Catholic church and it didn't reach me and actually offended Joel, so we searched. I've always wanted my children to be raised with faith -- and believe that a foundation has to be laid for children to feel confidant in searching out their own faith. It waxed and wained... sometimes I thought I'd start on fire if I entered a church and other times, I'd attend church several times a week -- as if Sunday couldn't come soon enough. Any which way, my goal is to become spiritually healthy. I long for a relationship with a partner that values such a thing, as well and hopefully my children will remain inspired to learn the Word.
The church I attend now is called Sun Valley Community Church. It's Christian based. I feel very touched every time I attend and both of my children (oldest especially) truly enjoy it as well. At church this past weekend the pastor was talking about traveling down a hard road and simply believing that you have to KEEP GOING. He told the story from Genesis about Joseph. The poor guy was teased by his 11 brothers -- and eventually betrayed and sold into slavery by them. While in slavery, he was falsely accused of rape and imprisoned. Repeatedly, the bible states that "Jesus was by his side." Eventually, Joseph translated some dreams for fellow prisoners (did you just get a bright picture of him in a techno colored robe?) One of which was doom and gloom -- the guy was gonna die -- the other was that the prisoner would be released and work with the Pharaoh. Both accounts proved to be right on. Later the Pharaoh asks Joesph to interpret his dream, which he does correctly about 7 years of feast and 7 years of famine (look it up...it's a long chapter, and football practice is looming...LOL) and Joesph ends up getting released from prison, and becoming the number two most powerful man (next to the Pharaoh.) He always had faith. He always believed that Jesus would take care of him. Yes, Jesus was by his side and he lived a happy, prosperous life interpreting dreams. Interesting.
Sidenote: It was a funny moment when the pastor said "Imagine being in prison after such terrible things and thinking to yourself, 'look dude, if this is what you call being with me -- maybe I don't want your support anymore.' It was funny -- but that is so completely how I have felt on and off the past 3 years. In my lowest moments (and there have been some doozies) I have literally fallen to my knees and begged Jesus to somehow guide me - to help me. In those dark days (weeks, months,)I felt I needed Him desperately. I questioned if He was with me at all or if the Devil was too powerful in my life.
Further in the service, the pastor was talking about how, years ago, he looked out and saw the same woman at church every week. He said he was confused why she left every week early -- half way through his sermon. He wondered if he was losing his ability to reach his congregation. He began to notice that the woman always started to cry right before she left. Eventually, the woman stayed for the entire service and then, one day, approached the pastor after the service. She described her situation - wrought with sadness, condemnation, addiction, fear and loss. She had lost her family, her home and her dreams -- yet she felt that Jesus was still by her side. She returned to church because she felt an "indescribable pull" to attend-- believing that maybe there was a better life for her and her family -- but something in each service made her feel as though she wasn't good enough for Jesus. That is why, in embarrassment and shame, she would leave. Yet day in and day out, she started to feel Jesus and believe he was by her side. She started to see her life turn around slowly for the better. And through the months that followed became a full follower understanding that Jesus loves us -- and already forgives us. It's simple -- we have to be open to his love and forgiveness --it's waiting for us if we accept it.
Sigh. I haven't made it through a service without crying.
That story could one day be my own.
And my spiritual path continues....
I don't really know what I believe. I suppose I believe in his account -- at least I want to. Piper (not to be confused with my sweet Chihuahua, Piper) had been in a terrible head on collision and was determined to be dead upon the EMTs arrival. It wasn't until 90 minutes later when another preacher friend was praying over the wreckage did Piper begin to pray and sing along. Ya. Uh huh. (Gotta believe) He describes those 90 minutes in heaven at the beginning of the book -- a mere chapter or two -- and the rest is more about his painful recovery and ministry of word and comfort that followed.
Heaven. He describes being surrounded by everyone who ever loved him. They were happy and singing and embracing him with love. He wasn't sad and didn't think about the ones that he had left behind. I hope this is true. I like to think about when my dad passed -- and soon after, when his brother, my uncle, passed. I like to think about them seeing each other -- their father, their mother, their sister and then all of the hundreds of people that passed before them. I suppose it's all because I like to think (and truly believe)that I will see them again, as well. His description of being surrounded by love and beauty is hopeful to me.
Everything I experienced was like a first-class buffet for the senses. I had never felt such powerful embraces or feasted my eyes on such beauty. Heaven's light and texture defy earthly eyes or explanation. Warm, radiant light engulfed me. As I looked around, I could hardly grasp the vivid, dazzling colors. Every hue and tone surpassed anything i had ever seen.
I suppose what freaks me out about this book is that I am not where I feel that I need to be on my Christian journey with Jesus Christ. I believe in my own special relationship with Him but I do feel that I need to deepen that relationship. It's been in the back of my mind silently tugging at me for years. I remember back when I was married to Joel that we went on a church hunt. I grew up in a very ritual, formal Catholic church and it didn't reach me and actually offended Joel, so we searched. I've always wanted my children to be raised with faith -- and believe that a foundation has to be laid for children to feel confidant in searching out their own faith. It waxed and wained... sometimes I thought I'd start on fire if I entered a church and other times, I'd attend church several times a week -- as if Sunday couldn't come soon enough. Any which way, my goal is to become spiritually healthy. I long for a relationship with a partner that values such a thing, as well and hopefully my children will remain inspired to learn the Word.
The church I attend now is called Sun Valley Community Church. It's Christian based. I feel very touched every time I attend and both of my children (oldest especially) truly enjoy it as well. At church this past weekend the pastor was talking about traveling down a hard road and simply believing that you have to KEEP GOING. He told the story from Genesis about Joseph. The poor guy was teased by his 11 brothers -- and eventually betrayed and sold into slavery by them. While in slavery, he was falsely accused of rape and imprisoned. Repeatedly, the bible states that "Jesus was by his side." Eventually, Joseph translated some dreams for fellow prisoners (did you just get a bright picture of him in a techno colored robe?) One of which was doom and gloom -- the guy was gonna die -- the other was that the prisoner would be released and work with the Pharaoh. Both accounts proved to be right on. Later the Pharaoh asks Joesph to interpret his dream, which he does correctly about 7 years of feast and 7 years of famine (look it up...it's a long chapter, and football practice is looming...LOL) and Joesph ends up getting released from prison, and becoming the number two most powerful man (next to the Pharaoh.) He always had faith. He always believed that Jesus would take care of him. Yes, Jesus was by his side and he lived a happy, prosperous life interpreting dreams. Interesting.
Sidenote: It was a funny moment when the pastor said "Imagine being in prison after such terrible things and thinking to yourself, 'look dude, if this is what you call being with me -- maybe I don't want your support anymore.' It was funny -- but that is so completely how I have felt on and off the past 3 years. In my lowest moments (and there have been some doozies) I have literally fallen to my knees and begged Jesus to somehow guide me - to help me. In those dark days (weeks, months,)I felt I needed Him desperately. I questioned if He was with me at all or if the Devil was too powerful in my life.
Further in the service, the pastor was talking about how, years ago, he looked out and saw the same woman at church every week. He said he was confused why she left every week early -- half way through his sermon. He wondered if he was losing his ability to reach his congregation. He began to notice that the woman always started to cry right before she left. Eventually, the woman stayed for the entire service and then, one day, approached the pastor after the service. She described her situation - wrought with sadness, condemnation, addiction, fear and loss. She had lost her family, her home and her dreams -- yet she felt that Jesus was still by her side. She returned to church because she felt an "indescribable pull" to attend-- believing that maybe there was a better life for her and her family -- but something in each service made her feel as though she wasn't good enough for Jesus. That is why, in embarrassment and shame, she would leave. Yet day in and day out, she started to feel Jesus and believe he was by her side. She started to see her life turn around slowly for the better. And through the months that followed became a full follower understanding that Jesus loves us -- and already forgives us. It's simple -- we have to be open to his love and forgiveness --it's waiting for us if we accept it.
Sigh. I haven't made it through a service without crying.
That story could one day be my own.
"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you." 1 PETER 5:6-7
And my spiritual path continues....
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
September 28th -- time has been flying by
Here I sit in Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm currently living with my Mom. I thought it was going to be much worse, truth be told, but it is actually quite nice. I really am hardly ever here and she accepts that I'm an adult. I follow her rules and she allows me my space. She is an amazing woman and I am grateful that she opened her home to me and my boys. I like living in the Arcadia area again. The streets bring back such memories even if most of the homes are unrecognizable. I spent my entire childhood riding on these roads, playing in these houses and figuring out who I was going to be in adulthood. It's familiar. TeePee is around the corner. I even hiked Camelback Mountain this morning. I don't plan on staying long around here -- so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.
The move was tough. Packing up my old house brought all sorts of emotions of which I was unprepared. The weeks were dark leading up to the move. I suppose packing was different when I left my last house -- the divorce was final and I was moving on with someone I deeply loved. This time -- there was no divorce (because there was no marriage) and I was alone. I was moving home to mama -- on a weekend when my ex-husband was getting married and I just felt defeated. It was a closure on a piece of my life I wasn't ready to put closure to - to (what I deemed) was going to be the loss of my independence, the acceptance of failure of some sort and the realization that I did not have anyone by my side helping ease the blow. It was lonely...and I've come to find out, I don't deal well with loneliness.
In the month that I have been here -- the smile has returned to my face. I've worked out the kinks with the Arizona State Board of Nursing and officially got an RN position on 7N. I work on the only certified stroke unit in the East Valley. With this position, I will learn how to do CAPD exchanges (dialysis), become certified in stroke care, nuero analysis, EKG, cardiac monitoring, etc. It's a fantastic opportunity and an amazing place to JUMP to other specialties. I am starting to feel like the ED (emergency department) may be the avenue I'll travel. I've been told several times that I have the personality for such a place. We will see -- as I am comfortable on 7N and feel like they are extended family (going on three years there!)
My life is starting to pan out -- there is an end in sight to the bills that piled up in the past few months. My schedule is still incredibly insane, but I actually feel like I have a firm foundation on whether or not I am coming or going. The boys are continuing to excel, both in school and in football. My relationship with Joel still sucks (divorce has NOT made that better) but I'm hoping that when he gets a job(he's been unemployed and NON PAYING all of this year) he will lay off on all the negative comments, looks, emails and texts. I wish him the very best -- I do. He is a good man and deserves to be happy. I've been in counseling all month and it has helped tremendously lay out the priorities in my life and clear the cobwebs in my head. As for my personal life, well...let's just say that I am doing what I feel is right. I am not going to speak about it publicly because I have learned that was a huge mistake in the past. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks anyway (the good, the bad, or the ugly) and gathering all my family and friends opinions only ended up being confusing and hurtful when I didn't do what they wanted and/or they didn't say what jived with my heart. I appreciate my friends and family (and their good intentions,) but I also have been through enough (and heard enough advice) in the past 5 years to last a lifetime. It's my life and I will live it the best way I know how. I know now that the people who love me will be with me though hell and high water, so I finally feel confidant keeping my personal life, well, personal. :-) Let's just say that I haven't felt lonely all month...and have it be known that I am really, truly, happy.
...and it's only going to get better from here. Trust me on that.
The move was tough. Packing up my old house brought all sorts of emotions of which I was unprepared. The weeks were dark leading up to the move. I suppose packing was different when I left my last house -- the divorce was final and I was moving on with someone I deeply loved. This time -- there was no divorce (because there was no marriage) and I was alone. I was moving home to mama -- on a weekend when my ex-husband was getting married and I just felt defeated. It was a closure on a piece of my life I wasn't ready to put closure to - to (what I deemed) was going to be the loss of my independence, the acceptance of failure of some sort and the realization that I did not have anyone by my side helping ease the blow. It was lonely...and I've come to find out, I don't deal well with loneliness.
In the month that I have been here -- the smile has returned to my face. I've worked out the kinks with the Arizona State Board of Nursing and officially got an RN position on 7N. I work on the only certified stroke unit in the East Valley. With this position, I will learn how to do CAPD exchanges (dialysis), become certified in stroke care, nuero analysis, EKG, cardiac monitoring, etc. It's a fantastic opportunity and an amazing place to JUMP to other specialties. I am starting to feel like the ED (emergency department) may be the avenue I'll travel. I've been told several times that I have the personality for such a place. We will see -- as I am comfortable on 7N and feel like they are extended family (going on three years there!)
My life is starting to pan out -- there is an end in sight to the bills that piled up in the past few months. My schedule is still incredibly insane, but I actually feel like I have a firm foundation on whether or not I am coming or going. The boys are continuing to excel, both in school and in football. My relationship with Joel still sucks (divorce has NOT made that better) but I'm hoping that when he gets a job(he's been unemployed and NON PAYING all of this year) he will lay off on all the negative comments, looks, emails and texts. I wish him the very best -- I do. He is a good man and deserves to be happy. I've been in counseling all month and it has helped tremendously lay out the priorities in my life and clear the cobwebs in my head. As for my personal life, well...let's just say that I am doing what I feel is right. I am not going to speak about it publicly because I have learned that was a huge mistake in the past. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks anyway (the good, the bad, or the ugly) and gathering all my family and friends opinions only ended up being confusing and hurtful when I didn't do what they wanted and/or they didn't say what jived with my heart. I appreciate my friends and family (and their good intentions,) but I also have been through enough (and heard enough advice) in the past 5 years to last a lifetime. It's my life and I will live it the best way I know how. I know now that the people who love me will be with me though hell and high water, so I finally feel confidant keeping my personal life, well, personal. :-) Let's just say that I haven't felt lonely all month...and have it be known that I am really, truly, happy.
...and it's only going to get better from here. Trust me on that.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I'm coming back folks....
It's been quite a few weeks -- full of transitions and new beginnings. There was some dark days that included the anniversary of my dad's death (3 years now,) my ex-husband becoming someone else's husband (and more painfully, my children gaining a step-mother,) a move, and loss of certain relationships that I valued. HOWEVER, there has also been great things happening. My life is moving forward. I am taking charge of finding my own ground to stand on which included getting back into counseling. My family has been paramount in facilitating this growth and I will forever be grateful to them and their love. And, on the horizon, I see light. Of course, some days the clouds will roll in -- but I know that they will eventually lead way to the sun.
I'll be back, ladies and gentleman....and the blogging will come at regular intervals.
Yeah!
I'll be back, ladies and gentleman....and the blogging will come at regular intervals.
Yeah!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
My "ideal" man -- created in 8/08 but still very true today...
I think it's kind of funny - so I'll post thinking you may as well. I'm not looking for a full 100% but anything over a 76% is passing in my book. :-) I post this at risk -- cause one day -- I will meet my own Mr. Right and he may either possess all or none of these. Just know that this is all in good fun. :-)
1. Loves me wholely
2. Loves my children/loves his children, if he has them. And if he does, no baby mama drama
3. Respects my parenting
4. Respects my children
5. Accepts my past
6. Actually gets along with Joel to a degree
7. Thinks I'm beautiful
8. Confidant, almost cocky
9. Makes me laugh
10. Sarcastic
11. Loves being in love
12. Slightly Flawed
13. Between 5'8 - 6'2
14. Between 185 - 225
15. Tattoos - several - and not just the barbwire kind and please no fraternity letters
16. Likes a woman (this woman, LOL) with tattoos -- who has plans to keep getting tattoos
17. Gorgeous in a man's man way
18. Good with his hands
19. Handy with cars
20. Can hang up a mean picture frame -- can even take the picture too
21. Handy man in general
22. Stable in his job
23. Possesses insurance of all kinds
24. Thinks about the future
25. Cares about our political future
26. Nonjudgemental but firm in his beliefs
27. Pro Choice -- or at least votes as such
28. Makes more than 45k - enough to take care of himself with room to play (I will handle my own)
29. Loves to pamper his woman
30. Polite -- Courteous
31. Opens doors, says Please and Thank you
32. Knows how to hold a fork (and knows how to tap a keg)
33. Puts his hand on the small of my back when we are walking
34. Looks at me like the whole world has disappeared around us
35. Is proud of me
36. My family loves him, especially my sister/brother in law and mom
37. Owns a Harley or has plans to
38. Loves the beach, especially impromptu trips
39. Drives a jeep, truck or SUV and not a lowered pimped out one
40. College educated or at least can hold his own and speak correctly
41. Parents still married
42. Spiritual but openminded - I'd love a man to will want to goto church with me -- but not the kind that would end our camping trip early to get back to bible study.
43. Openminded in general
44. Drinks alcohol
45. Doesn't smoke
46. Doesn't do drugs
47. Doesn't mind getting dirty -- but cleans up deliciously
48. Has brothers and sisters
49. Loves kids - mine, his, hers, theirs
50. Loves being on the water
51. Owns a boat or plans on partaking in water adventures (tubing, going to the lake, ocean, pool, hose in the backyard. LOL)
52. Rather have him bald than have long hair
53. Doesn't have a hairy back or butt -- or fixes that shit
54. Has a few close knit friends that accept me
55. Appreciates my independence
56. Appreciates my need for affection
57. Appreciates my need for being able to flip between the two
58. Football fan
59. Athletic, himself
60. Can do a mean BBQ
61. Clean -- but not a clean freak
62. Loves animals
63. Keeps his vehicle clean
64. Has a beautiful smile -- with beautiful straight teeth
65. Has good breath
66. Visits the dentist regularly
67. Likes to camp
68. Likes to fly
69. Doesn't gamble excessively - but enjoys a weekend trip to Vegas
70. Loves having sex
71. Sings Karaoke
72. Gets up when he gets down
73. Financially stable - if he doesn't own his own home -- he should be making preparations to do so
74. Listens to me talk about my dad
75. Has interests of his own that he's passionate about
76. Lived a life that lead to me -- can be crazy, or silly, as long as he's living in the moment with me right now.
77. Appreciates how far I've come
78. Pushes me to reach my dreams and then come up with new ones
79. My friends adore him
80. Doesn't mind fighting as long as it's fair and we resolve it.
81. Makes me feel safe -- look, I'm too old for the good ole bar room brawls but I want a man to defend me if the need arises, whatever that may be.
82. Piercings optional (can't be anti-piercings, clearly)
81. Doesn't need to stare at other naked people to get hot for me -- although isn't against it all the time. LOL
82. Loves music -- of all kinds -- especially live music (and bonus points if you can play an instrument....not talking rock band either)
83. Will dance with me in the rain
84. Makes me smile - better yet, full on belly laughs
85. Will watch chick flicks with me -- but not cry harder than I do. Movies about sports or war, tears will be allowed.
86. Sees the future with me not the moment with someone else
87. Makes me see it too
88. Looks at me with a devilish grin that makes me feel wanted
89. Looks into the mirror and truly likes the person that he is
90. Does sweet little things -- a note, a card, a picture and message just to let me know he is thinking about me
91. Wants to be an active participant in my children's lives and mine
92. Want me to be an active participant in his life
93. Be reachable. Not to an insane degree, but let me know where about you are in your day.
94. Cooks and Cleans....sometimes both, sometimes neither but always with good conversation
95. Cannot wear Tiva's -- nor should he wear jean shorts -- and as a general rule, tanktops are out, gentlemen (with the rare -- almost too rare -- exception of above said water activities increased ever so slightly with, also above mentioned, badass tattoos)
96. I wanna look at him come home after a long hard day of work or play and think I am the luckiest woman in the world
97. Loyal - to friends, family and me
98. Trusting -- of his friends, family and me
99. PDA is A-OK -- not in full makeout sessions (though perhaps there are times for those as well) but as in keep my hand in yours, or your hand on me -- kiss me when you get up, etc
100. Love me forever. Be armed with only the best intentions, the truest emotions, the map with the right directions and the fight to never give up and walk away.
1. Loves me wholely
2. Loves my children/loves his children, if he has them. And if he does, no baby mama drama
3. Respects my parenting
4. Respects my children
5. Accepts my past
6. Actually gets along with Joel to a degree
7. Thinks I'm beautiful
8. Confidant, almost cocky
9. Makes me laugh
10. Sarcastic
11. Loves being in love
12. Slightly Flawed
13. Between 5'8 - 6'2
14. Between 185 - 225
15. Tattoos - several - and not just the barbwire kind and please no fraternity letters
16. Likes a woman (this woman, LOL) with tattoos -- who has plans to keep getting tattoos
17. Gorgeous in a man's man way
18. Good with his hands
19. Handy with cars
20. Can hang up a mean picture frame -- can even take the picture too
21. Handy man in general
22. Stable in his job
23. Possesses insurance of all kinds
24. Thinks about the future
25. Cares about our political future
26. Nonjudgemental but firm in his beliefs
27. Pro Choice -- or at least votes as such
28. Makes more than 45k - enough to take care of himself with room to play (I will handle my own)
29. Loves to pamper his woman
30. Polite -- Courteous
31. Opens doors, says Please and Thank you
32. Knows how to hold a fork (and knows how to tap a keg)
33. Puts his hand on the small of my back when we are walking
34. Looks at me like the whole world has disappeared around us
35. Is proud of me
36. My family loves him, especially my sister/brother in law and mom
37. Owns a Harley or has plans to
38. Loves the beach, especially impromptu trips
39. Drives a jeep, truck or SUV and not a lowered pimped out one
40. College educated or at least can hold his own and speak correctly
41. Parents still married
42. Spiritual but openminded - I'd love a man to will want to goto church with me -- but not the kind that would end our camping trip early to get back to bible study.
43. Openminded in general
44. Drinks alcohol
45. Doesn't smoke
46. Doesn't do drugs
47. Doesn't mind getting dirty -- but cleans up deliciously
48. Has brothers and sisters
49. Loves kids - mine, his, hers, theirs
50. Loves being on the water
51. Owns a boat or plans on partaking in water adventures (tubing, going to the lake, ocean, pool, hose in the backyard. LOL)
52. Rather have him bald than have long hair
53. Doesn't have a hairy back or butt -- or fixes that shit
54. Has a few close knit friends that accept me
55. Appreciates my independence
56. Appreciates my need for affection
57. Appreciates my need for being able to flip between the two
58. Football fan
59. Athletic, himself
60. Can do a mean BBQ
61. Clean -- but not a clean freak
62. Loves animals
63. Keeps his vehicle clean
64. Has a beautiful smile -- with beautiful straight teeth
65. Has good breath
66. Visits the dentist regularly
67. Likes to camp
68. Likes to fly
69. Doesn't gamble excessively - but enjoys a weekend trip to Vegas
70. Loves having sex
71. Sings Karaoke
72. Gets up when he gets down
73. Financially stable - if he doesn't own his own home -- he should be making preparations to do so
74. Listens to me talk about my dad
75. Has interests of his own that he's passionate about
76. Lived a life that lead to me -- can be crazy, or silly, as long as he's living in the moment with me right now.
77. Appreciates how far I've come
78. Pushes me to reach my dreams and then come up with new ones
79. My friends adore him
80. Doesn't mind fighting as long as it's fair and we resolve it.
81. Makes me feel safe -- look, I'm too old for the good ole bar room brawls but I want a man to defend me if the need arises, whatever that may be.
82. Piercings optional (can't be anti-piercings, clearly)
81. Doesn't need to stare at other naked people to get hot for me -- although isn't against it all the time. LOL
82. Loves music -- of all kinds -- especially live music (and bonus points if you can play an instrument....not talking rock band either)
83. Will dance with me in the rain
84. Makes me smile - better yet, full on belly laughs
85. Will watch chick flicks with me -- but not cry harder than I do. Movies about sports or war, tears will be allowed.
86. Sees the future with me not the moment with someone else
87. Makes me see it too
88. Looks at me with a devilish grin that makes me feel wanted
89. Looks into the mirror and truly likes the person that he is
90. Does sweet little things -- a note, a card, a picture and message just to let me know he is thinking about me
91. Wants to be an active participant in my children's lives and mine
92. Want me to be an active participant in his life
93. Be reachable. Not to an insane degree, but let me know where about you are in your day.
94. Cooks and Cleans....sometimes both, sometimes neither but always with good conversation
95. Cannot wear Tiva's -- nor should he wear jean shorts -- and as a general rule, tanktops are out, gentlemen (with the rare -- almost too rare -- exception of above said water activities increased ever so slightly with, also above mentioned, badass tattoos)
96. I wanna look at him come home after a long hard day of work or play and think I am the luckiest woman in the world
97. Loyal - to friends, family and me
98. Trusting -- of his friends, family and me
99. PDA is A-OK -- not in full makeout sessions (though perhaps there are times for those as well) but as in keep my hand in yours, or your hand on me -- kiss me when you get up, etc
100. Love me forever. Be armed with only the best intentions, the truest emotions, the map with the right directions and the fight to never give up and walk away.
It's been a little while -- no reason, really, just living my life
...first and foremost, certainly the most exciting, is that I passed my nursing boards. It's official, I'm a Registered Nurse. :-) It's really hard to explain in writing how very monumental this is to me. What exactly do you do when the accumulation of blood, sweat, tears and hard hard work all come to fruition? It almost feels like I'm floating - aimlessly wondering what great adventure is next to grace my life. It's very exciting and I feel very blessed. It was huge for me AND for my family -- especially my children.
Speaking of which, Dane turned 10. Absolutely crazy. I have a boy in double digits! But more so, I have a great, smart, considerate and beautiful child. TWO of them actually. School starts again toward the end of this month. I have to figure out if I want to stay in my house. I have got to come up with a plan for money (or lack there of) I have a lot of things that I need to figure out. But you know what...I will.
So, last night -- in an epic phone conversation (that I LOVED) with someone that I have spent a considerable amount of time with as of late, we started to discuss the mere thought of "changing who we are." We debated how much of it is logical and thought out vs. how much of it is just being a product of our environment and who we surround ourselves with. I had the opportunity to talk about Joel -- and Justin -- and 2007...and what it all came down to is that I am SO NOT the same person. I couldn't go back to those days, even if I wanted to (not to fix things, amend things, change things or relive things)- I simply am not the same person anymore. And, instead of feeling a sadness and loss, there is more a feeling of overwhelming peace, freedom and fortitude to press on.
The last 5 months have been very telling. I was very very down when Justin and I broke up. I think I knew the "love" was based on lies and that I could never trust him (perhaps I never did) but I deeply missed my very best friend. I still miss him greatly. Only he could do those little things that made me laugh and get me thru those tough tough times... but I cherish friends like the one I had last night who understood that...who laughed with me and who celebrated with me when it dawned on me that perhaps the loss of that relationship was probably the ultimate catalyst of really becoming who I am today -- strong -- happy -- independent -- determined. And then in the midst of the 3rd hour conversation, it dawned on me....LIGHT BULB MOMENT
Justin and I will really probably be nothing but a blip on the computer screen when it comes to my life. I don't have children with him. I don't own anything with him or owe anything to him. We broke up and he walked away -- poof! He's out of my life and on with his own. There are remnants -- I still talk to his family. We occasionally text message. I still think about him at the mere glimpse or whisper of anything military. People still ask me about him -- and of course, looming, is 10/10/10. That day was suppose to be OUR day and I'm sure it will be very tough. But after that -- I really truly don't see any sort of relationship continuing. I don't need to know about his love life and he certainly doesn't need to know about mine -- and with time passing, he will become quite simply "the one I dated right after my divorce" and nothing more. I remember my divorced friends mentioning "the one after" and thinking, "that will never be me." Well **that person** couldn't fathom meeting the person I am now, either. And, I get it, now...which makes it all easier to leap ahead with caution yet excitement into my next phase of my life.
And I'm thrilled for the ability to have bounced -- not backwards -- but to a new day!
Speaking of which, Dane turned 10. Absolutely crazy. I have a boy in double digits! But more so, I have a great, smart, considerate and beautiful child. TWO of them actually. School starts again toward the end of this month. I have to figure out if I want to stay in my house. I have got to come up with a plan for money (or lack there of) I have a lot of things that I need to figure out. But you know what...I will.
So, last night -- in an epic phone conversation (that I LOVED) with someone that I have spent a considerable amount of time with as of late, we started to discuss the mere thought of "changing who we are." We debated how much of it is logical and thought out vs. how much of it is just being a product of our environment and who we surround ourselves with. I had the opportunity to talk about Joel -- and Justin -- and 2007...and what it all came down to is that I am SO NOT the same person. I couldn't go back to those days, even if I wanted to (not to fix things, amend things, change things or relive things)- I simply am not the same person anymore. And, instead of feeling a sadness and loss, there is more a feeling of overwhelming peace, freedom and fortitude to press on.
The last 5 months have been very telling. I was very very down when Justin and I broke up. I think I knew the "love" was based on lies and that I could never trust him (perhaps I never did) but I deeply missed my very best friend. I still miss him greatly. Only he could do those little things that made me laugh and get me thru those tough tough times... but I cherish friends like the one I had last night who understood that...who laughed with me and who celebrated with me when it dawned on me that perhaps the loss of that relationship was probably the ultimate catalyst of really becoming who I am today -- strong -- happy -- independent -- determined. And then in the midst of the 3rd hour conversation, it dawned on me....LIGHT BULB MOMENT
Justin and I will really probably be nothing but a blip on the computer screen when it comes to my life. I don't have children with him. I don't own anything with him or owe anything to him. We broke up and he walked away -- poof! He's out of my life and on with his own. There are remnants -- I still talk to his family. We occasionally text message. I still think about him at the mere glimpse or whisper of anything military. People still ask me about him -- and of course, looming, is 10/10/10. That day was suppose to be OUR day and I'm sure it will be very tough. But after that -- I really truly don't see any sort of relationship continuing. I don't need to know about his love life and he certainly doesn't need to know about mine -- and with time passing, he will become quite simply "the one I dated right after my divorce" and nothing more. I remember my divorced friends mentioning "the one after" and thinking, "that will never be me." Well **that person** couldn't fathom meeting the person I am now, either. And, I get it, now...which makes it all easier to leap ahead with caution yet excitement into my next phase of my life.
And I'm thrilled for the ability to have bounced -- not backwards -- but to a new day!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Being a NURSE Means...
You will never be bored
You will always be frustated
You will be surrounded by challenges
So much to do and so little time
You will carry immense responsibility
And very little authority
You will step into people's lives
And you will make a difference
Some will bless you
Some will curse you
You will see people at their worst --
And at their best
You will never cease to be amazed
At people's capacity for
Love, courage and endurance
You will see life begin -- and end
You will experience resounding triumphs
And devastating failures
You will cry a lot
You will laugh a lot
You will know what it is to be human
And to be humane
~Melodie Chenevert RN
Thursday, June 17, 2010
God's Wheel - Shel Silverstein
GOD says to me with a kind of smile.
“Hey how would you like to be God awhile?
And steer the world? “Okay,” says I,
“I’ll give it a try.
Where do I set?
How much do I get?
What time is lunch?
When can I quit?”
“Gimme back that wheel,” says GOD
“I don’t think you’re quite ready YET.”
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Facing the Giants
Dane, Cole and I just redboxed this movie. It's an older football movie that Dane had picked out. "It's about football and God, Mom -- there is no doubt we will love it." Sold.
What a great movie. Ok, really -- the acting was less than great and part of the script was really, well, for lack of a better term, scripted. It's all rather predictable -- even when I was crying in the middle of the movie, Cole said, "Mom, always remember the happy ending!!" (with a roll of his eyes).... Oh dear boy, if life always had the happy ending....
The underlying message, that really struck a cord, was WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I love watching movies with the boys -- they practically sit on me, even though the couch has more than enough room. And, the boys hold my hand or wipe my tears (I'm so pathetic, hallmark should have a section just for the saps like me)...The movie ended with Dane jumping up and down, Cole biting his fingernails and covering his face and me, in a heap of tears -- happy tears. So, watch the movie. Watch it especially if you love God and even more if you love football too....
I'll share some great quotes from the movie: (for those of you that were following my old blog: Striving To Be Erma -- it was another "Kung Fu Panda" moment -- with me armed with pen and paper....maybe I should send the link to Rosie again...I'm sure she has nothing better to do but comment on my silly movie epiphanies!) :-) And so it goes......
"I'm scared I won't even make the team." "Well, you already aren't on the team, so what do you have to lose!?" Spoken from a father full of love...
"You can't judge your father by his actions and yourself by your intentions. It just doesn't work that way." I love love triple love love love that one
"Lord Jesus, would you help me? I need you. Lord, I feel that there are giants of fear and failure staring down at me, waiting to crush me. And I don't know how to beat 'em, Lord. I'm tired of being afraid. Lord, if you want me to do something else, show me. If you don't want me to have children, so be it. But You're my God. You're on the throne. You can have my hopes and my dreams. Lord, give me something. Show me something." Man, I have said a prayer very similar to that before....
"If you accept defeat, David, then that's what you'll get."
"Well, in God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it, don't ya?"
"God can do whatever He wants to do, however He wants to do it. And He chooses to work in our lives because He loves us. He's good. Hope today's a milestone for what He can do for the rest of your life if you trust Him."
What a great movie. Ok, really -- the acting was less than great and part of the script was really, well, for lack of a better term, scripted. It's all rather predictable -- even when I was crying in the middle of the movie, Cole said, "Mom, always remember the happy ending!!" (with a roll of his eyes).... Oh dear boy, if life always had the happy ending....
The underlying message, that really struck a cord, was WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I love watching movies with the boys -- they practically sit on me, even though the couch has more than enough room. And, the boys hold my hand or wipe my tears (I'm so pathetic, hallmark should have a section just for the saps like me)...The movie ended with Dane jumping up and down, Cole biting his fingernails and covering his face and me, in a heap of tears -- happy tears. So, watch the movie. Watch it especially if you love God and even more if you love football too....
I'll share some great quotes from the movie: (for those of you that were following my old blog: Striving To Be Erma -- it was another "Kung Fu Panda" moment -- with me armed with pen and paper....maybe I should send the link to Rosie again...I'm sure she has nothing better to do but comment on my silly movie epiphanies!) :-) And so it goes......
"I'm scared I won't even make the team." "Well, you already aren't on the team, so what do you have to lose!?" Spoken from a father full of love...
"You can't judge your father by his actions and yourself by your intentions. It just doesn't work that way." I love love triple love love love that one
"Lord Jesus, would you help me? I need you. Lord, I feel that there are giants of fear and failure staring down at me, waiting to crush me. And I don't know how to beat 'em, Lord. I'm tired of being afraid. Lord, if you want me to do something else, show me. If you don't want me to have children, so be it. But You're my God. You're on the throne. You can have my hopes and my dreams. Lord, give me something. Show me something." Man, I have said a prayer very similar to that before....
"If you accept defeat, David, then that's what you'll get."
"Well, in God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it, don't ya?"
"God can do whatever He wants to do, however He wants to do it. And He chooses to work in our lives because He loves us. He's good. Hope today's a milestone for what He can do for the rest of your life if you trust Him."
Monday, June 14, 2010
"Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before." ~James Buckham
Today was a very difficult day for me. (roller coaster gaining speed)
I drove into work missing my children terribly. Our custody situation is 50/50 -- one week I have them 5 days (Wed, Thurs, Friday, Sat, Sun, and then drop them Monday morn) -- the next week I only have them Wed and Thursday and drop them on Friday. This is one of the latter weeks. It's always been this way. So, I've lived with this arrangement for close to three years. It hasn't gotten one iota easier. It's grueling not seeing them daily. Sure, I've gotten use to the perks -- at first, it's almost a novelty -- you plan everything around those days. "Oh the "me" time" you say. I will tell you, as a divorced,single, working, broke mother of two -- these weekends take all of my heart and soul and suck them out of me freely only to allow their return when the boys come hammering into the car, usually screaming at each other, but ultimately so happy to be coming home with me. Truth is -- those boys love the heck out of me...and they know that inside and out, I think that each of them individually (and the two of them combined) are really the shizniz (Mom, no, it's not really a word, but I was going to say " the beeswax" which, in all truth, I understand considerably less,so.....shizniz it is!!!) Anyway -- I'm missing them fiercely today. I'm also terribly frustrated that dear ex husband won't let them talk to me on "his" weekends fearing that it may interfere with his "family time."
Then I got to work. And, work is work. Sure, I love the health care field -- but I'm not a 100% certain that cleaning the hairy balls of an 86 year old man is what I worked most of my adult life for -- if that was my "dream" I think I need a better shrink! While at work I got a text from dear ex husband sayin that the money he promised that he paid into the courts last week wasn't actually paid at all -- and that he was going to be going to court to freeze child support entirely because he is unemployed and can't "do this anymore." Now, before you get tears in your beers -- I know poor. This man does NOT know poor. I have bills so behind that stuff is getting shut off. I can't afford GAS. My dogs haven't eaten dog food in at least a week -- and the boys, well...with the help of some friends, get the break from Ramen Noodles on occasion. I fucking KNOW poor. And, mind you, I saw the ring on his now fiance's finger -- and that does not ring POOR in my book. Nor do the Harley trips they take, their trip planned back to Wisconsin, or even getting your dog groomed, your new car detailed or the bar tabs, dinner bills, movie passes, water park passes, etc that you spend all your money on. Poor....psaw! Who is kidding who, here?
Then, whattya know -- a text from my not so dear ex-boyfriend. Truth be told, he's good at nailing the timing -- always has been able to smell the vulnerability on me like white on rice. (Another bizarre saying...and I usually eat brown rice, but for the time being, indulge me and my strange saying...)I'm upset and lonely and he knows that I don't have the boys -- which turned into meeting him for a beer -- which then truly did turn my beer into tears when I drove away realizing I am NOT MEANT to EVER see this boy again. Hurt. Pain. Heartache. Ugh -- who needs it -- and I tell him so when he texts me to say "thank you," I simply tell him "don't contact me again -- there is NO REASON TO" which (blah blah blah) prompts a call and as I break out in tears (yet again, grrr) explaining how delicate and fragile my emotions are -- and that I love him SO MUCH that I simply CANNOT see or talk to him again. I know, it's deep...and I was amazed he was actually trying to wrap his little brain around it. Wow...he's getting it! He actually understands for once what he has done to me. Wow...he may actually feel badly -- love me enough to let me go this time....and I talk and cry for a minute longer when...wait...is that really intense listening and acknowledgement?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz SNORING zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
......and I hang up on the two bit cheating good for nothing dirtball shame of a man..... Fucker.
So I start laughing -- crying and laughing -- Can God just thump me on the head any louder - just give me a wedgey and swirly at the same damn time and call it quits!? I walk into the bathroom notice I have 3 zits. I'm thrity fucking five years old with three zits. I'm the mother of two boys who only see me half of their life. My house smells like chihuahua piss- I have three dogs (and dog sitting a fourth,) ONE tortise (the other up and ran away. Really.) 1000000 fish and I can't feed any of us. I've got bills up the wazoo (really a wazoo!? What's that saying all about) I've got the NCLEX approaching quickly where I haven't studied a bit. I just got another speeding ticket. I'm driving a car that's keyed from front to back, CD player just broke, oil change is 6000 miles overdue. And it's all just plain ass funny material for me. WHO KNOWS where your life is going to take you. Funny. Just plain pathetic, but really funny as hell.
And so I sit, face mask on, trying to find purpose with some Godly music blaring in the background. I'm all alone. Lonely. Sad. And realize...this is a really hard process. All of it. The boys. Joel. Justin. Family. Friendships. Sadness. Loneliness. Happiness. Tears. Peace. Dating. Working. Surviving. Being. Wanting. Needing. Doing.
And this process is my life. I'm just doin me.....that's all I know how to do.
Just doin' me.
I drove into work missing my children terribly. Our custody situation is 50/50 -- one week I have them 5 days (Wed, Thurs, Friday, Sat, Sun, and then drop them Monday morn) -- the next week I only have them Wed and Thursday and drop them on Friday. This is one of the latter weeks. It's always been this way. So, I've lived with this arrangement for close to three years. It hasn't gotten one iota easier. It's grueling not seeing them daily. Sure, I've gotten use to the perks -- at first, it's almost a novelty -- you plan everything around those days. "Oh the "me" time" you say. I will tell you, as a divorced,single, working, broke mother of two -- these weekends take all of my heart and soul and suck them out of me freely only to allow their return when the boys come hammering into the car, usually screaming at each other, but ultimately so happy to be coming home with me. Truth is -- those boys love the heck out of me...and they know that inside and out, I think that each of them individually (and the two of them combined) are really the shizniz (Mom, no, it's not really a word, but I was going to say " the beeswax" which, in all truth, I understand considerably less,so.....shizniz it is!!!) Anyway -- I'm missing them fiercely today. I'm also terribly frustrated that dear ex husband won't let them talk to me on "his" weekends fearing that it may interfere with his "family time."
Then I got to work. And, work is work. Sure, I love the health care field -- but I'm not a 100% certain that cleaning the hairy balls of an 86 year old man is what I worked most of my adult life for -- if that was my "dream" I think I need a better shrink! While at work I got a text from dear ex husband sayin that the money he promised that he paid into the courts last week wasn't actually paid at all -- and that he was going to be going to court to freeze child support entirely because he is unemployed and can't "do this anymore." Now, before you get tears in your beers -- I know poor. This man does NOT know poor. I have bills so behind that stuff is getting shut off. I can't afford GAS. My dogs haven't eaten dog food in at least a week -- and the boys, well...with the help of some friends, get the break from Ramen Noodles on occasion. I fucking KNOW poor. And, mind you, I saw the ring on his now fiance's finger -- and that does not ring POOR in my book. Nor do the Harley trips they take, their trip planned back to Wisconsin, or even getting your dog groomed, your new car detailed or the bar tabs, dinner bills, movie passes, water park passes, etc that you spend all your money on. Poor....psaw! Who is kidding who, here?
Then, whattya know -- a text from my not so dear ex-boyfriend. Truth be told, he's good at nailing the timing -- always has been able to smell the vulnerability on me like white on rice. (Another bizarre saying...and I usually eat brown rice, but for the time being, indulge me and my strange saying...)I'm upset and lonely and he knows that I don't have the boys -- which turned into meeting him for a beer -- which then truly did turn my beer into tears when I drove away realizing I am NOT MEANT to EVER see this boy again. Hurt. Pain. Heartache. Ugh -- who needs it -- and I tell him so when he texts me to say "thank you," I simply tell him "don't contact me again -- there is NO REASON TO" which (blah blah blah) prompts a call and as I break out in tears (yet again, grrr) explaining how delicate and fragile my emotions are -- and that I love him SO MUCH that I simply CANNOT see or talk to him again. I know, it's deep...and I was amazed he was actually trying to wrap his little brain around it. Wow...he's getting it! He actually understands for once what he has done to me. Wow...he may actually feel badly -- love me enough to let me go this time....and I talk and cry for a minute longer when...wait...is that really intense listening and acknowledgement?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz SNORING zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
......and I hang up on the two bit cheating good for nothing dirtball shame of a man..... Fucker.
So I start laughing -- crying and laughing -- Can God just thump me on the head any louder - just give me a wedgey and swirly at the same damn time and call it quits!? I walk into the bathroom notice I have 3 zits. I'm thrity fucking five years old with three zits. I'm the mother of two boys who only see me half of their life. My house smells like chihuahua piss- I have three dogs (and dog sitting a fourth,) ONE tortise (the other up and ran away. Really.) 1000000 fish and I can't feed any of us. I've got bills up the wazoo (really a wazoo!? What's that saying all about) I've got the NCLEX approaching quickly where I haven't studied a bit. I just got another speeding ticket. I'm driving a car that's keyed from front to back, CD player just broke, oil change is 6000 miles overdue. And it's all just plain ass funny material for me. WHO KNOWS where your life is going to take you. Funny. Just plain pathetic, but really funny as hell.
And so I sit, face mask on, trying to find purpose with some Godly music blaring in the background. I'm all alone. Lonely. Sad. And realize...this is a really hard process. All of it. The boys. Joel. Justin. Family. Friendships. Sadness. Loneliness. Happiness. Tears. Peace. Dating. Working. Surviving. Being. Wanting. Needing. Doing.
And this process is my life. I'm just doin me.....that's all I know how to do.
Just doin' me.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. ---- The Dalai Lama
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. ---- The Dalai Lama
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Taking the next step in life is all about trust and faith.
When you step forward, your life moves on.......
Unless you choose happiness, you will wait forever for it.
Unless you bring a new intention, the outcome will be the same.
Unless you let go of your past, you will not see the present.
Unless you drop your defenses, you will never reach safety.
Unless you first commit to it, you will not see it's beauty.
Unless you first commit to him, he cannot be the one.
Unless you are ready to love, you will not find love.
Unless you give up your ego, you will not discover your spirit.
Unless you choose happiness, you will wait forever for it.
Unless you bring a new intention, the outcome will be the same.
Unless you let go of your past, you will not see the present.
Unless you drop your defenses, you will never reach safety.
Unless you first commit to it, you will not see it's beauty.
Unless you first commit to him, he cannot be the one.
Unless you are ready to love, you will not find love.
Unless you give up your ego, you will not discover your spirit.
May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.****************************************************************************
I am starting a new blog.
The Irish verse above is the root of my blog. (It is also beautifully tattooed upon my back -- and reminds me strongly of my Kealy roots.) A blog about the road that I am traveling with the sun on my face and the wind at my back. A blog of hope and dreams. A blog of happiness and smiles. A blog that will bring me into focus and into my future with a positive outlook because frankly, that's how I feel. For today, ladies and gentlemen, I have hope.
Listen, I've been blogging for years - since 2005, in fact. I absolutely love to write. Writing is what gets me through the toughest times and helps me remember the best of them. It helps me zero in on the important things and it helps me acknowledge my true emotions. It enables me to look back and see how far I've come.
I am also not naive. I know how this works - how life works. I know that life is a roller coaster at times. I also know that, to date, NOTHING has beat me yet. I am still here. Sure, I am different; I am stronger. Sure, I have suffered; I am better. Sure, I felt alone and abandoned; I am surrounded by loving friends and family. One step at a time -- sometimes way too fast and other times way to slow -- I have persevered.So enjoy my new and improved blog. A giant warm "Welcome" to those of you who haven't read before -- and welcome back to those of you who knew me in my Erma days. Either way, I think that you will see that I am a new person. It's certainly a pleasure to have you here -- to have you on this road that's risen to meet me.
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