Being a NURSE Means...

You will never be bored
You will always be frustated
You will be surrounded by challenges
So much to do and so little time
You will carry immense responsibility
And very little authority
You will step into people's lives
And you will make a difference
Some will bless you
Some will curse you
You will see people at their worst --
And at their best
You will never cease to be amazed
At people's capacity for
Love, courage and endurance
You will see life begin -- and end
You will experience resounding triumphs
And devastating failures
You will cry a lot
You will laugh a lot
You will know what it is to be human
And to be humane

~Melodie Chenevert RN

God's Wheel - Shel Silverstein

GOD says to me with a kind of smile.
“Hey how would you like to be God awhile?
And steer the world? “Okay,” says I,
“I’ll give it a try.

Where do I set?
How much do I get?
What time is lunch?
When can I quit?”

“Gimme back that wheel,” says GOD
“I don’t think you’re quite ready YET.”

Facing the Giants

Dane, Cole and I just redboxed this movie. It's an older football movie that Dane had picked out. "It's about football and God, Mom -- there is no doubt we will love it." Sold.

What a great movie. Ok, really -- the acting was less than great and part of the script was really, well, for lack of a better term, scripted. It's all rather predictable -- even when I was crying in the middle of the movie, Cole said, "Mom, always remember the happy ending!!" (with a roll of his eyes).... Oh dear boy, if life always had the happy ending....

The underlying message, that really struck a cord, was WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I love watching movies with the boys -- they practically sit on me, even though the couch has more than enough room. And, the boys hold my hand or wipe my tears (I'm so pathetic, hallmark should have a section just for the saps like me)...The movie ended with Dane jumping up and down, Cole biting his fingernails and covering his face and me, in a heap of tears -- happy tears. So, watch the movie. Watch it especially if you love God and even more if you love football too....

I'll share some great quotes from the movie: (for those of you that were following my old blog: Striving To Be Erma -- it was another "Kung Fu Panda" moment -- with me armed with pen and paper....maybe I should send the link to Rosie again...I'm sure she has nothing better to do but comment on my silly movie epiphanies!) :-) And so it goes......

"I'm scared I won't even make the team." "Well, you already aren't on the team, so what do you have to lose!?" Spoken from a father full of love...

"You can't judge your father by his actions and yourself by your intentions. It just doesn't work that way." I love love triple love love love that one

"Lord Jesus, would you help me? I need you. Lord, I feel that there are giants of fear and failure staring down at me, waiting to crush me. And I don't know how to beat 'em, Lord. I'm tired of being afraid. Lord, if you want me to do something else, show me. If you don't want me to have children, so be it. But You're my God. You're on the throne. You can have my hopes and my dreams. Lord, give me something. Show me something." Man, I have said a prayer very similar to that before....

"If you accept defeat, David, then that's what you'll get."

"Well, in God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it, don't ya?"

"God can do whatever He wants to do, however He wants to do it. And He chooses to work in our lives because He loves us. He's good. Hope today's a milestone for what He can do for the rest of your life if you trust Him."

"Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before." ~James Buckham

Today was a very difficult day for me. (roller coaster gaining speed)

I drove into work missing my children terribly. Our custody situation is 50/50 -- one week I have them 5 days (Wed, Thurs, Friday, Sat, Sun, and then drop them Monday morn) -- the next week I only have them Wed and Thursday and drop them on Friday. This is one of the latter weeks. It's always been this way. So, I've lived with this arrangement for close to three years. It hasn't gotten one iota easier. It's grueling not seeing them daily. Sure, I've gotten use to the perks -- at first, it's almost a novelty -- you plan everything around those days. "Oh the "me" time" you say. I will tell you, as a divorced,single, working, broke mother of two -- these weekends take all of my heart and soul and suck them out of me freely only to allow their return when the boys come hammering into the car, usually screaming at each other, but ultimately so happy to be coming home with me. Truth is -- those boys love the heck out of me...and they know that inside and out, I think that each of them individually (and the two of them combined) are really the shizniz (Mom, no, it's not really a word, but I was going to say " the beeswax" which, in all truth, I understand considerably less,so.....shizniz it is!!!) Anyway -- I'm missing them fiercely today. I'm also terribly frustrated that dear ex husband won't let them talk to me on "his" weekends fearing that it may interfere with his "family time."

Then I got to work. And, work is work. Sure, I love the health care field -- but I'm not a 100% certain that cleaning the hairy balls of an 86 year old man is what I worked most of my adult life for -- if that was my "dream" I think I need a better shrink! While at work I got a text from dear ex husband sayin that the money he promised that he paid into the courts last week wasn't actually paid at all -- and that he was going to be going to court to freeze child support entirely because he is unemployed and can't "do this anymore." Now, before you get tears in your beers -- I know poor. This man does NOT know poor. I have bills so behind that stuff is getting shut off. I can't afford GAS. My dogs haven't eaten dog food in at least a week -- and the boys, well...with the help of some friends, get the break from Ramen Noodles on occasion. I fucking KNOW poor. And, mind you, I saw the ring on his now fiance's finger -- and that does not ring POOR in my book. Nor do the Harley trips they take, their trip planned back to Wisconsin, or even getting your dog groomed, your new car detailed or the bar tabs, dinner bills, movie passes, water park passes, etc that you spend all your money on. Poor....psaw! Who is kidding who, here?

Then, whattya know -- a text from my not so dear ex-boyfriend. Truth be told, he's good at nailing the timing -- always has been able to smell the vulnerability on me like white on rice. (Another bizarre saying...and I usually eat brown rice, but for the time being, indulge me and my strange saying...)I'm upset and lonely and he knows that I don't have the boys -- which turned into meeting him for a beer -- which then truly did turn my beer into tears when I drove away realizing I am NOT MEANT to EVER see this boy again. Hurt. Pain. Heartache. Ugh -- who needs it -- and I tell him so when he texts me to say "thank you," I simply tell him "don't contact me again -- there is NO REASON TO" which (blah blah blah) prompts a call and as I break out in tears (yet again, grrr) explaining how delicate and fragile my emotions are -- and that I love him SO MUCH that I simply CANNOT see or talk to him again. I know, it's deep...and I was amazed he was actually trying to wrap his little brain around it. Wow...he's getting it! He actually understands for once what he has done to me. Wow...he may actually feel badly -- love me enough to let me go this time....and I talk and cry for a minute longer when...wait...is that really intense listening and acknowledgement?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz SNORING zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

......and I hang up on the two bit cheating good for nothing dirtball shame of a man..... Fucker.

So I start laughing -- crying and laughing -- Can God just thump me on the head any louder - just give me a wedgey and swirly at the same damn time and call it quits!? I walk into the bathroom notice I have 3 zits. I'm thrity fucking five years old with three zits. I'm the mother of two boys who only see me half of their life. My house smells like chihuahua piss- I have three dogs (and dog sitting a fourth,) ONE tortise (the other up and ran away. Really.) 1000000 fish and I can't feed any of us. I've got bills up the wazoo (really a wazoo!? What's that saying all about) I've got the NCLEX approaching quickly where I haven't studied a bit. I just got another speeding ticket. I'm driving a car that's keyed from front to back, CD player just broke, oil change is 6000 miles overdue. And it's all just plain ass funny material for me. WHO KNOWS where your life is going to take you. Funny. Just plain pathetic, but really funny as hell.

And so I sit, face mask on, trying to find purpose with some Godly music blaring in the background. I'm all alone. Lonely. Sad. And realize...this is a really hard process. All of it. The boys. Joel. Justin. Family. Friendships. Sadness. Loneliness. Happiness. Tears. Peace. Dating. Working. Surviving. Being. Wanting. Needing. Doing.

And this process is my life. I'm just doin me.....that's all I know how to do.

Just doin' me.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. ---- The Dalai Lama

Thank you, Jesus, for finding the smallest opening in my heart and making me feel your presence again. What a blessing.

Taking the next step in life is all about trust and faith.

When you step forward, your life moves on.......

Unless you choose happiness, you will wait forever for it.
Unless you bring a new intention, the outcome will be the same.
Unless you let go of your past, you will not see the present.
Unless you drop your defenses, you will never reach safety.
Unless you first commit to it, you will not see it's beauty.
Unless you first commit to him, he cannot be the one.
Unless you are ready to love, you will not find love.
Unless you give up your ego, you will not discover your spirit.

Tomorrow is a blank page just waiting to be filled with your
dreams...
All you have to do is be yourself and live the story that noone
else can live --
The story of your own unique life.
Be proud.
Be confident.
And most of all, be happy.

(Card from my mom on the day of my pinning from nursing school)

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

****************************************************************************

I am starting a new blog.

The Irish verse above is the root of my blog. (It is also beautifully tattooed upon my back -- and reminds me strongly of my Kealy roots.) A blog about the road that I am traveling with the sun on my face and the wind at my back. A blog of hope and dreams. A blog of happiness and smiles. A blog that will bring me into focus and into my future with a positive outlook because frankly, that's how I feel. For today, ladies and gentlemen, I have hope.

Listen, I've been blogging for years - since 2005, in fact. I absolutely love to write. Writing is what gets me through the toughest times and helps me remember the best of them. It helps me zero in on the important things and it helps me acknowledge my true emotions. It enables me to look back and see how far I've come.

I am also not naive. I know how this works - how life works. I know that life is a roller coaster at times. I also know that, to date, NOTHING has beat me yet. I am still here. Sure, I am different; I am stronger. Sure, I have suffered; I am better. Sure, I felt alone and abandoned; I am surrounded by loving friends and family. One step at a time -- sometimes way too fast and other times way to slow -- I have persevered.

So enjoy my new and improved blog. A giant warm "Welcome" to those of you who haven't read before -- and welcome back to those of you who knew me in my Erma days. Either way, I think that you will see that I am a new person. It's certainly a pleasure to have you here -- to have you on this road that's risen to meet me.