RESTLESS......and I hate it....

I know, I know... I get this way. I just do. I get this way when the boys have been at Sunshine's for the weekend and I begin to miss them fiercely (plus PMS is raging). The pieces of my puzzle are just missing, ya know? Justin is at work and I'm home feeling alone. I've known this restless feeling for a 4+ years now and it hasn't gotten any better. It's especially tough right now because yesterday was the first day of school. Ugh. I saw the boys on Sunday night -- quickly wished them a fantabulous first day of school, hug, kiss, "i love yous" and sent them back into the house. Sunshine's wife sent me a picture (by request) of them in the morning.

They are deliciously handsome and very well taken care of -- but yet, it hurts that it wasn't me taking that picture. And my thoughts turn ugly. It was her. That's my house. And, I grow ashamed of my thoughts. Noone deserves that filth. Afterall, they are happy, beautiful, well adjusted, sweet, smart children who are so very much loved by so very many people.

*THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.*

*Escape the negative.*

I'm so much better than that....

*It's easier to be kind.*

I'm struggling and antsy. I feel a huge need to be needed and wanted, which only makes me feel that I'm not. And, that, my friends, is simply ridiculous. I need to reevaluate. I need to step back and breathe. THIS IS MY LIFE. I need to ride the wave and believe that the serenity will follow. I need to listen to Justin's words and feel the security of his dedication and love. It's my time to trust in our love. It's time to grow up and realize that this soon will pass. The boys will be home tomorrow and attack me with near suffocating adoration.

*Christian music on.*

*Clean up my beautiful home.*

*Rejoice in my alone time.*

*Grow*

Attitude adjusted.

My tarot reading today gave me: Queen of Cups

A woman capable of deep romantic love.
A passionate woman in the creative arts.
A woman who leads first with her heart and then her head.
Love for one's mate and children.
Sense of protectiveness for friends and loved ones.
Dedication.
A woman in search of a long-term commitment.
An attractive woman.
Creative arts and alchemy.
A loyal woman on your side.


Maybe that should be incorporated into my next tattoo...LOVE IT!

By the way: Alchemy: any magical power or process of transmuting a common substance, usually of little value, into a substance of great value

....don't act like you knew that....

It's all about to begin....

Football, that is.....

Conditioning starts for Dane and his Titan team tonight -- and Cole starts on August 1. I love football, I do, but I'm already worried about this season. Dane has been out of any athletic sport for a year now -- which is a long time. Conditioning is tough -- it's hot and miserable. It's also necessary. The kiddo is out of shape and has really got to step up his game. He has forged a very good reputation in football. He's fast, he works hard, and he's got an eye for the holes. Smart kid - smart player. But he's small... and this mamabear worries that my boy will get hurt -- physically OR emotionally. He stresses out about football....he's excited to play though, and I hope that excitement sticks when he's sore, hurting, and (gasp!) maybe even losing.

It's also the time of year when I embrace my football family. Football is pretty consuming. Conditioning has practice running 4x a week...and then regular practice is 3x a week plus the games on Saturday. It's pretty intense. This year will prove to be even more intense with both boys playing tackle fall ball. Cole will play with the Mighty Mites and then Dane's JPW game will follow. That's a lot of field time.

I'm excited though. Justin and I have so much fun watching the boys play, hanging with old friends and meeting new people. (Sometimes, we may be TOO involved -- fond memories of fights in the parking lots and getting ejected ring a bell, ay voy!) Meeting new friends has always been kind of difficult for me. Some people make them easily - Justin is one of those people. I've always been a little jealous of that ease. It does becomes a little easier when you have your children and their sports in common. For example, I met one of my friends when Dane first played for the Titans. It's been 2 years now. She's hilarious and I've fallen in love with her family. They were the only family we invited to share our wedding day in Mexico with us, in fact! I'm grateful for football bringing them in our lives. I get my hair cut by another football mom and feel quite close to several others (coaches too!) It's just an all around win-win for our family....and it's all about to begin again....

GO TITANS!

(Oh and Jesus, please keep my kiddos safe...this mamabearnurse is OFF DUTY!)

A lot of things shock me in this world...

...perhaps it is because I am naive, but I'd like to believe it's because I have an innate nature that truly wants to think that people are truly kind at the core. Afterall, everyone wants the same thing and that is to be happy and not to suffer, right? I do not understand even remotely how diving planes full of hundreds of people into buildings of thousands of people that hurts millions, if not billions, of lives in the name of "religion" can strengthen your cause or make people see things "your way." That is an easy and extreme example, of course, but shocking never the less. Just the other day, I was flipping through the channels on TV and stopped on "Bambi." I don't really remember the movie, other than the disasturous ending (such a great idea for a kid's movie -- insert sarcasm) and I noticed that Bambi is a MALE?! I mean, really!? Why then does the name "Bambi" conjure up an aroma of damp booze, stale mold, cheap perfume, dirty money and a metal pole? Shocking, right!?

Yes, day to day, I am shocked. Mostly, however, it's on a smaller, uh bigger, albeit, different scale.

Human nature.

How do relationships work and fail?
How do people change so drastically or, flip that, how can some people stay the same (*shutter*)?
How does one person find out she has terminal cancer and praise God in laughter for the life she's living and one person tries to take his own life stating that his car broke down, his girlfriend was late and his Mom "just doesn't understand" (simply because she tried to cheer him up.)?
How can people call themselves your friend and then run for the hills, snickering and gossiping along the way, at the first sign of strife?
How can people claim they have religion in their heart, yet turn their back in condemnation, roll their eyes in judgement and feel superior over somebody else?

I'm sure I've been shocked many times in my life -- but I've never noticed it so much since 2007. My divorce. My dad's death. My loss of house, job, money, friends. My mental breakdown. I'd like to attribute it to a personal growth. But I really think it was more of starting over at rock bottom.

Imagine if you will being at the top of a very very tall mountain -- above the clouds. You can see clearly for miles and the air is crisp...You are aware that people know you are up there and you feel that they all want to be by your side. But only you know that you were just placed there by a helicopter....very cool, but you really haven't done a thing to get there. The admiration of many is really a farce in your eyes. It's lonely and you feel like a fake. You know there is a beautiful town that lies below, a warm community, lively artwork and colors, laughter but you can't see past the clouds. You *want* to be below and see below but it's far too scary to climb down. You are going to have to wait to be rescued -- or you will have to fall.

Then change the scenario...you're at the bottom of the same mountain, embracing and living in the world that envelopes you. You know every bit of what got you there....it's your life, your story. There is love and laughter in a quaint town and happy home. You have this fantastic view of this incredible mountain that you treasure. You can see the top, see the clouds scattered in the sky but have no desire to make the climb. "That's for someone else...some other time." You love your life where you are...prime real estate.

**SNAP! Just was in an intense metaphoric daydream!**

Try to keep up, or don't....but it made perfect sense to me....

SHOCKING!

One year ago today, I had just finished taking the NCLEX

I was a bundle of nerves. I was pretty sure I had passed it -- but you just never know until you know for sure. Nursing school is crazy ... I'd like to say it was a little crazier for me, being recently divorced, working full time, school full time, 2 young kids, and struggling in every sense of the word; it all reality, however, it just pain sucks for everyone. I wish I knew why they make it so difficult. It seems they WANT you to fail. Maybe it's because you get those days as a RN when you just want to crawl up and hide away -- maybe, just maybe, all the blood, sweat, tears (and money) that you invest in nursing school will make you think twice....or something like that...anywhich way, I'm glad school is over -- and I'm in the profession that I love so much. I've been working in the hospital 3 1/2 years -- and only the last year has been in the RN role. But I have enjoyed each and every role. I am very thankful for my unit -- I put my time in and they stood beside me...and now, I will repay them with my full attention at work and my very best intention to be the best nurse that I can be. :)

...That said, I should probably round on my patients? no? :)