Day 17: Graveyard

Of course this reminds me of my Dad.

Back in the day, I was home from college and in the car with my parents, when my Dad told me he wanted to show me something.  We pulled into the cemetary.  "Strange," I thought.  Dad drove around to the back and we all got out of the car.  He came up next to me and said, "I just bought this land for your Mom and I."  "Ew, Dad, this is creepy."  He laughed his silly cackle laugh, put his arm around me, spun me around softly and said, "Look, you can sit here and visit us, and have a perfect view of Camelback Mountain!"  "Ok, great, can we go now?"

And, that's the truth.

So, there lies my Dad...and when I visit, I gaze up to the huge mountain and can almost hear him say, "I told you so."

Always the thinker, that man.

(Here is a picture of me, my brothers, and my baby boy wishing him a Merry Christmas with a bottle of Jack -- you can't see the mountain in this picture though...cause...well, duh!...we're looking at it!)

Day 16: Different World

Day 15: Books

(I actually just got some -- my school books just came in the mail -- here we go again.  boo!)

I am not a huge reader -- I like books that tend to make me better.  I like the books that are more along the self-help type.  I started reading them a very long time ago -- things that make me happy or make me think differently.  After the divorce, I read them more to help me make sense of the struggle I had created and help empower me to take control of my life and create happiness.  In my quest for contentment, I stumbled across Buddism and my reading took off.  There are a lot of awesome books out there about Buddhism.  I've read several.  The Storms Can't Hurt the Sky was an UNBELIEVABLE BOOK that helped me actually start to get along with my ex-husband a bit.  I really should read it again, as we are at odds yet again...as evidenced by the current book on my nightstand...

Day 14: Children

I never had this in mind, on the day you were born,

Hugs and kisses goodbye "til we see you Christmas morn.
You both walked away with a wave and a smile
I closed the door and sighed, then I cried for awhile.

Another year, another holiday, another day of missing you

Divorce robbed us of so much and there's nothing we can do.
Every time you must go, a heaviness fills my heart
And while I know you love your Dad, I hate to be apart.

It's hard that you don't know the calmness of only one home

But comforting to know you can always pick up the phone.
It's hard that you are hustled from one place to another
But comforting to know you are always with your brother.

I'm sorry that we caused this and pray for forgiveness everyday.

And, hope you grow up to see there was just no other way.
We've all moved to happiness now, but it still is just so tough.
Our time together, divided up, never seems to be enough.

But enjoy this time, your first days of Christmas break, too!

Be polite, mind your manners - Santa's still watching you!
Your presents will be waiting, wrapped under our tree.
For us all to unwrap as one big family.

Please know I think of you always, even when you aren't here.

And always with a smile, though sometimes, through a tear.
I am honored to be a Mom and I love you tons and tons
Remember that forever my two most-beautiful sons.

Day 13: Forest

Forest, huh?

• Forest Gump (RUN FOREST RUN!)
• Forest Whitaker  (Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a movie fav!)
• "So your running through a forest"  (moving hands frantically on each side of said person's face)  "running, running, running" and SMACK (hit them in the head)  "You hit a tree."
• "You can't see the forest for the trees"  (I believe I do see the big picture in most circumstances)
• My roommate in college dated a chick who had a son named Forrest.
• Lake Forest -- a college outside of Chicago that I had a conference at when I was working for Lakeland College in Green Bay.
• Rain Forest -- the environment that Cole's Humminfint had to adapt to.

That's about all I got.  Forest.  For rest. Naptime.

Day 12: Celebration

Yesterday was "Welcome Home Wednesday...."  that is always such a celebration day anyway.  But yesterday was particularly fun because Justin and I had plans to surprise the boys with dinner and tickets to a Suns game.We aren't a huge basketball family -- but we do love spending time together.  The boys' faces were priceless.  It made for a pretty late evening, but after tucking them in and them thanking us a million times...it made waking up late for school almost worth it, today.  Whoops!

Day 11: Greed

I struggle with this.  I am not a greedy person, by nature.  I do not covet my neighbor's things.  I do not look at others and wish I had more -- or was more -- or any of that.  So why do I say I struggle with this?

My boys.

I am so greedy for them -- for their time -- and I struggle with having to split their time with Sunshine.  I know that it is unfair -- but I just really wish I didn't have to watch them leave with him - or drop them at his house.  I hate that I have to split holidays with them.  I hate that I don't tuck them in bed each night. I hate that I hear about things that happen after the fact or that they tell me that he won't let them call me.  He is greedy too, it appears, and that angers me.  I sometimes respond with anger, or worse, sarcasm and hatred.  I really do not like myself when I crack.

I try to remember he deserves time with them.  He loves them.  He doesn't like this either -- divorce robs ALL of us.  I try to remind them of that too when they are begging me to ask if they can stay longer or come earlier.  I'm even going to guess that maybe they do that for him too -- to protect our hearts in their own way (12 and 9)...

...they want each of to know how much they love us....both.

And that's certainly not greedy.

That's beautiful.

Day 10: Success

The first thing that came to my mind (well, second...after the S-U-C-C-E-S-S cheer) is this poem by Emerson:

 

It's always been one of my favorites.  It was also the poem that was chosen for the funeral of a very successful man -- one whom I greatly respect. His name was Daniel (Dave) Nusbaum -- and he is my children's paternal great-grandfather (and Cole Daniel's namesake).  Both of Sunshine's grandparents have a special place in my heart.  I loved them.  Grandpa was a real quick wit and had a very funny demeanor.  He also was smart as all get out, but more than that...he held integrity like no one I've seen before or since.  He was raised on a farm and worked hard to graduate from the University of Wisconsin (Madison) and then went on to get his master's degree.  Several business ventures and relationships later found him starting Schreiber's Cheese (while working on his doctorate -- no small feat!)  He loved to learn -- and loved to teach (and the cheese is downright delicious). He wasn't just successful professionally, either.  He was a successful patriarch to a beautiful family.   He was married for 62 years and had eight children, numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren (Dane was his first!) when he died in 2005.  His legacy continues though -- not just in the company he started (a quick google shows that today,  Schrieber's has over 4500 employees, has production facilities spread across Wisconsin, Arizona, Georgia, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Texas, and Utah, as well as in Germany, Mexico, and Brazil, and it runs four distribution centers in the United States which has grossed over 2.2 billion dollars) -- but also with the growth of his family.  Personally, my boys carry the Nusbaum name and I am grateful that Grandpa's blood courses through their veins.  That's true success.

Day 9: Journey

Day 8: Relaxing

It's so important to have down time.  My only trouble is that my mind in relentless.  I wish so much that I had an off switch.  I'm constantly making mental "to do" lists.  There is always something else I should be doing.  Last night, we all had a delicious dinner and then went outside to sit around the fire.  It was about as close to relaxation as I get.  I was so content. 

I think that is what it all boils down to.  I think that I am falling into the rat race of always wanting more.  I hate that.  I have a great job -- and then I think that I have to push myself and think about moving on to a different job.  I have a great education -- and then I think that I have to get more.  I make decent money -- then I buy newer stuff and need more money.   I love my house -- then I think about moving.  (maybe I should have posted this under the "thinking" day)....

but...I don't like that.  In order for me to have a peaceful mind and allow true relaxation,

I have to remind myself to simplify. 

 

I need to be grateful that I have enough. 

 

I am enough.

Day 7 - Sunset

I am more of a sunrise kind of girl, but I do love a good sunset....preferably one where the sun is falling into a vast, beautiful ocean....preferably an ocean with fun, salt-kissed waves that my children are playing in....preferably those children are peacefully getting along so my husband and I can bury our feet in the sand and hold hands, preferably one hand will be intertwined with his while the other  is holding a divine beach cocktail....preferably that cocktail is following a perfect, delicious dinner that has filled my belly.....preferably that belly and my heart will be so full that, with the sleeping of the sun and a rinse off of the saltwater, we can tuck the boys in and sneak off to our bed...preferably that bed will be made up outside under the stars....preferably stars that we make a wish on, cuddle a little, kiss a lot and then sleep the night away....Ahhh, sunsets.

Might be time for another Mexico trip....

Day 6: Reading

I'm not that much of a reader.  I hated it growing up because of school -- being forced to do much of anything was never really by thang.  (and yes, I meant to type THANG...you read that right!)  I remember vividly telling my Language Arts teacher that I would MUCH rather write a book than read one.  I think I BS'd through every single book report.  The ONLY book I read was because Mr. Barber started reading it in class out loud (slightly inappropriate looking back at it, but I so very much enjoyed it) was The Catcher in the Rye.  I've read it several times since and the book constantly morphs for me - always meaning something different.  Now, I still am being semi-forced to read since I'm back in school, so I don't have much time for leisure filled days of reading.  (Yet, somehow I did manage to read the 50 Shades of Grey series....but that is much more about my insatiable sex drive than my ability to read...wait, really, what are we talking about?)

All of that said....my child LOVES to read.  I mean he really really really does.  Sure, it may have been perpetuated by being told to do so for school, but it has taken off.  We are always looking for new suggestions.  He brings his books with him wherever we go.  He reads in the car, in the store, at appointments, in his room, on the couch, on the trampoline ....and sometimes even on his brother. 

Day 5: Frustration

How appropriate.....

I sit here in tears and with high anxiety because...ready for it.... divorce fucking sucks.

...wait....correction...

my ex-sunshine sucks worse.

I'm going to be petty and immature and stupid....deal with it or click that little X in the right corner and disappear.

UGH -- he is such a pain in the ass...seriously. 

Today is my only day with the boys this week....and seriously, it's not cool with me. He has them on Mondays and Tuesdays....and it's his weekend....plus his year for Thanksgiving....blech!   I've called and left him a message...I want to know if I can see the boys on Friday....(I also want to know when he is going to get my f'ing name off that house...it's been years that he said he's working on it....and, seriously, who moves in to your friends house to fuck her husband....wait....sorry....I'm not writing about that)  Thing is...he is trained.  He won't respond to me unless SHE is there....and even his emails are written by her.  I'm okay with that...it's why I divorced the pussy....(yep, I said that...)  He has no manhood...he just follows....which works well in that household (my house, my house) ...cause she is man enough for them both.

I'm super frustrated.

PS.  edited to add that I just talked to him....and he was pleasant...kind, perhaps....and now I feel guilty....I asked about seeing the boys -- he said he'd talk to her (ba dum dum dum)....and I asked about the house which he said he is working on but apparently their credit isn't up to par....I get that....so....well....that's it folks.  14 years of loving that man....20 years knowing him....boils down to... one pleasant conversation.  Maybe we're getting somewhere.

PSS...edited again to add, they decided against it.  Jackholes.

Day 4: Busy

Yes...I am.

Much like you....I'm busy.

I'm a Mom of two beautiful and busy boys, too.  They run me crazy and often leave me exhausted but one hug from them or an "I love you" or a "you're the best" makes it all worth it.  They are the REASON I breathe on this planet - my gift from God, on loan to the universe - created in my body with gifts to share.  I'm blessed to be near them and help guide them as they keep teaching me and keep me grounded.

I'm a Wife of a loyal lover who is busy too.  He is so hard working that he rarely sits still.  Either he's running his shop or helping run our family.  He is ridiculously patriotic and makes me feel safe and secure. He loves me with everything he has -- he makes me laugh and understands me inside and out.  He is a busy dad, too and can be found at the soccer field or football practice or band concerts or bringing our boys to appointments or headed to parent/teacher conferences.  You would never guess they weren't biologically his own.

I'm a Daughter to my marvelous mother who is busy in her own way  She in the sole leader of our great family.  Her strength and love are never ending and her devotion to my dad is the reason I know real true love exists and that I won't except any less.  I am a Daughter to my fabulous father who is surely busy enjoying the ever-after by watching us here on Earth.  He was always busy with work or running to be at my sporting events and loyal to his God -- so much so that I  know he is with God (and with me every Sunday at church).

I am a Sister to two badass brothers and two strong sisters who are all crazy busy with work, kids, and life.  They are not just my siblings but my very best friends.  Johnny has a magnetic pull that draws people in and I always have so much fun with him. Rick is constant - always there and always real. Kerry is my best friend, bar none.  Kelly has been through so much and prevails in her own creative and beautiful way.

I am a Friend to countless fabulous friends and a best friend to one or two and I can tell you -- they are all so damn busy we can't hardly see each other.  They have families and jobs and still have a way to let me know that at the drop of a hat, they will be there for me and we will pick up as if life wasn't so busy.

I am a Nurse to my many perfect patients and to whomever needs my help because I know they are busy with their lives and they need to get back to them.  Our busy time is precious and these patients teach me that we need to get BUSY living cause as the seconds pass, we are actually dying.  It's a reality I am able to see and touch, often.  I am able to spend 13 hours a day with them....with their families and leave the hospital knowing that I have a purpose in the world -- sure it took me 30+ years to realize it, but I'm here now...and it feels good.

I am a Student.  I am a life long learner, it seems to be.  I am currently in school to get another bachelors degree and while it makes me UNBELIEVABLY busy, it's something that drives me to reach another personal goal.  It's the ONE thing that I am doing for myself - knowing it will benefit my family - but really just another way for me to say FUCK OFF to the naysayers.  Sure, I'll have a Devil degree soon -- but I'm always a Wildcat at heart.

I am a Daughter in law and  sister in law to a fabulously friendly family by fate.  We are all so different, and all SO busy, yet I love the Essary's incredibly and finally feel like I am part of an extended family that accepts me and my children as if they have always known and loved us.  I cannot tell you how amazing that feels. 

I am an Aunt to many (many) nice and naughty nieces and nephews...To date, there is Thomas, Keegan, Connor, Kaytlyn, Darryl, Kristyn, Asher, Tatum, Jhayston, Kyra, Jenna, Alaina, Jake, Jerron, Natalie, Nyla, Ty, Sophie, Dylan, Cierra, Louie, Vanessa, Arianna, Emma and Hinkley.  Phew!!!  If I'm not busy with my own children's lives, it's easy to be busy with theirs.

So yes...I'm busy -- and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

Day 3: Color

I'm feeling insanely uncreative right now.  So I'll leave you with this:

I love to Color:  Pockets

I like Red: She likes Red!  Ya we like Red! Red red red red red red red red
Red is for the roosters head
the farmers roof
my grandmas spread
Red is for a nose that's cold
that guides along Santa's sled

But when I'm feeling real loose, I color puce.

Puce?  What's puce?

This is a song called, "I love to Color" and it describes colors in detail, but the kid always returns back to saying he likes puce which leaves the singer baffled.  It's from a perfectly perfect kids album by Pockets.  It's a slice of deliciousness.  A fun, quirky, sweet album that was introduced to me by my sister's best friend back in the day.  I've now just turned it on and it just makes me happy.

(I've got five pockets in my overalls, got five pockets in my overalls, I've got two on the back, one on the bib, and two in the ordinary everyday place -- in the front!)

When I was in high school my best friends and I use to sing "Show Me Your Smile"  Which was by far our favorite.  It has now transitioned into a song that I torment my children with --generally when they are being pains in my hinder.

(show me your smile, let it dance for awhile, on your face, what a place for a smile to be -- on your face -- on your face.  Show me your frown, make it sad like a clown, when you're down, you can frown, it's okay with me....when you're down.  When you're down.  I wanna know when you're happy, I wanna know when you're sad.)

For the record, Puce (often misspelled as "puse", "puese" or "peuce") is a color that is defined as ranging from light grayish red-violet to medium to dark purplish-brown.

...and is SO NOT my favorite.

Day 2 - A furry friend

I live in a zoo....we have 3 dogs, a hamster, a tortoise, fish, and 2 birds....

...a furry friend -- I can't pick between my 3 dogs...Scout is a 6 year old Golden Doodle.  She looks like Sandy from the movie Annie.  I got Scout when I was still married to Sunshine....and she came with me (and so did his sunshine)....  She is a perfect dog.  She is goofy and silly and fun.  She is tender and playful.  She loves attention from adults and kids.  She LOVES the water and jumping off the dock into the lake at the dog park.  She will fetch with the best of them, but only brings it within 5 feet of you.  She is reliable and doesn't shed.  I love her.  Piper is a 5 year old Chihuahua.  She was my gift to myself when I got a divorce.  She was ridiculously expensive, pure bred with great lines (I fixed her instantly, but really shouldn't have.)  She literally helped me through that time.  She is fiercely loyal to her mama.  :)  She is such a cuddle bug -- loves her spot on my lap.  She hides from strangers and barks like she is a big dog.  She is NOT a yippy chihuaha, so I don't mind the occassional outbursts.  She is the smallest dog (only 5 lbs) but she runs this household.  She is definitely queen bitch -- well, other than me.  And lastly, there's Halo.  She is a 2 year old part Jack Russel and part Chihuahua.  She is a spaz, as you would expect.  But she is a doll...cutest tortoise I've ever seen (I asked Justin for a tortoise and he came home with a puppy!)  She is gentle and just loves the boys like crazy (as evidenced by the dog hair all over them.)  She is a jealous dog, part human, who sits with us on the couch upright like a person.  They all love the boys and their favorite snack is string cheese (yes really.)  I just love each and everyone of them....they make our family. :)

Day 1: Thinking

Some of the best life decisions I've ever made came from NOT thinking about it.  Isn't that odd?  I wouldn't have gone to U of A (but it was easy and my sister and best friend were going to be there,) I wouldn't have picked up and moved to Wisconsin (other than the decision was made by my boyfriend at the time), we wouldn't have gotten pregnant the first time, and I certainly wouldn't be with Justin.  Those are just off the top of my head.

But that said, some of the worst times of my life were a result of my not thinking.

Strange....that thinking thing.  I do think it tends to get me in trouble.  I have a tendency to get restless -- when I'm restless my mind wanders...when my mind wanders...my thoughts are scattered and unstable.  When that happens, I push people away. 

Counseling has taught me that I do that as some sort of test to see if people care enough to pull me in -- or stand their ground -- but in the very least, it's a silent (stubborn and stupid) way to beg them to just not run away.   

...how far can you push -- and how many times -- until they actually go away?

I actually know the answer to that.  And it's incredibly painful.  And I don't EVER want to have that happen again.

The good thing is that I think I am in control of my thinking.  I spin it into positive thinking (I can at least try).  There is a song by Gretchen Wilson, "When I Think About Cheating," that is just about this thing.  "When I think about cheating, I just think about you leaving.  How my world would fall to pieces, if I tossed your love away.  Even when I'm tempted by some stranger, oh there's never any danger, I just think about you leaving, when I think about cheating."  Now, don't get all carried away -- I am NOT talking about cheating perse, but just about, realistic thinking.  Yes, sometimes things seem like a great idea -- running away from restlessness is easy -- but when I think about how great I have it, I end up digging my heels in and staying right where I am.

So, today, the best things are happening in my life because I am an active participant in my thinking.  It's exciting to see what lies ahead -- how doing the right thing -- the responsible thing -- will bless my life....and that of those around me.

It's worth a shot.

November 1 -- time to dust off my typing fingers at write...

Today kicks off National Novel Writing Month (better known as NaNoWriMo - though I have no idea why that's easier to remember.)  This is an annual internet-based creative writing project which challenges participants to write 50,000 words of a new novel between November 1 and 30. I have little interest in writing a novel at this point in my life -- but I do love to write.  So it's like God just nudged me a little and said "get back into the ring."  So here I am.  Ta Da!  :)

I was asked to participate in a flash blog (like a flash mob) in August.  Turns out I have some people that frequently read my blog.  It blows me away.  Two of them are in Russia --  a couple are here in the United States.  Somehow our blogging worlds collided and now we are cyber friends.  They email me to check in when I've been gone too long -- and they respond on posts.  It's awesome.  I write for myself, yes....but it is truly great to know people are reading.  So, back to August....I just didn't sign on....I didn't know what the prompts were going to be -- I didn't think I'd have the time with my school -- and the boys school...and both in sports and blah blah blah....but I'm going to do it now.  The prompts are listed below -- I tried not to read ahead to them, cause I like to shoot from the hip -- but some are so entirely random, I'm not sure I'll have anything to talk about.  Here it goes....

Had a friend die on Tuesday....and it's put me in a bit of a fog...

I find myself questioning so much -- and I don't like to do that.  I am the kind of person that wants to be certain of things -- of myself, of my choices, of my relationship, of my friendships....of my purpose.  So, in times like these, it's like there are a million tiny pieces of myself floating without meaning headed toward a vast unknown....(I am picturing more of a Wonkavision scene versus a James Frey book)...and that's dangerous for me.  Times like these generally get me into trouble.  I push people away.  I drink too much.  I retreat to a lonely "I got this" solitude.  I'm not a good friend, a good mother or a good wife.  I'm trying hard to control it....attempting to hold this monster inside me down...the one that tells me to "RUN" and "SEIZE THE DAY" fearful that the sands of my hourglass are dwindling....I'm trying to stay engaged in this life...unafraid of the what ifs and more sure of the NOW.    I'm trying.

Oh, the mind. It gets so easily snagged on the negative. Something happens and it doesn't unfold the way we hoped and the mind just spins. And replays. And spins some more. Sometimes it's our own behavior that disappoints us. We feel angry or heartbroken about the way we showed up with someone and long to do it over. Rewrite it in our minds. Say it right, or do it differently.

Sometimes it's some...one else. There are so many experiences in life that just don't have clear, definable endings. People do not reveal themselves in a linear fashion anymore than life does. Once in awhile someone we've been close to for a long time pulls away suddenly and without explanation. Or we are betrayed or shamed. This doesn't feel good when it happens with people we are just getting to know, either. It's hard to let go of things without closure, without a full understanding of what transpired. But life and people just don't come wrapped up in neat little packages like that. We humans are messy and complicated, and life is always throwing us curveballs and forks in the road. When we hold on to anger or judgment or blame, or drive ourselves crazy trying to redo something that can't be redone, we are the ones who suffer.

Here's the thing. You are not going to understand everything. Not everything is going to be explained. Not everyone is going to communicate in a way that gives you peace. Very frequently in life, you have to find the peace yourself. We all make mistakes. No one shows up as their highest self in every moment. At a certain point, you really have to forgive yourself and forgive others for their humanness. Human-mess. And...Let. It. Go.

Pain is perfectly natural. Sometimes we are in pain with no explanation and the only solution is to open to it. To lean into it, to explore it, to accept this is how things are for now, and to remember everything is in a constant state of flux. To be kind to yourself. How you feel now is not how you'll feel forever, or even next week. Sit with your pain, but do your best to release the details, the obsession, the do-overs. Because that is called living in the past. That is called missing the moment. And the moments are precious. You don't want to spend too many of them agonizing over what has happened and why, or making yourself sick with worry about what might happen in the future. Just come back to right now.

You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to get everything right, and neither does, or will, anyone else. It's part of the deal of being human. Embrace that. Examine your mistakes long enough to understand yourself, and well enough to avoid repeating them. Accept that other people have their own path to walk and manage, and it may not always be pretty. And carry on. Life is too short to miss. I'm pretty sure of that.