Wednesday, July 20, 2011
It's all about to begin....
Football, that is.....
Conditioning starts for Dane and his Titan team tonight -- and Cole starts on August 1. I love football, I do, but I'm already worried about this season. Dane has been out of any athletic sport for a year now -- which is a long time. Conditioning is tough -- it's hot and miserable. It's also necessary. The kiddo is out of shape and has really got to step up his game. He has forged a very good reputation in football. He's fast, he works hard, and he's got an eye for the holes. Smart kid - smart player. But he's small... and this mamabear worries that my boy will get hurt -- physically OR emotionally. He stresses out about football....he's excited to play though, and I hope that excitement sticks when he's sore, hurting, and (gasp!) maybe even losing.
It's also the time of year when I embrace my football family. Football is pretty consuming. Conditioning has practice running 4x a week...and then regular practice is 3x a week plus the games on Saturday. It's pretty intense. This year will prove to be even more intense with both boys playing tackle fall ball. Cole will play with the Mighty Mites and then Dane's JPW game will follow. That's a lot of field time.
I'm excited though. Justin and I have so much fun watching the boys play, hanging with old friends and meeting new people. (Sometimes, we may be TOO involved -- fond memories of fights in the parking lots and getting ejected ring a bell, ay voy!) Meeting new friends has always been kind of difficult for me. Some people make them easily - Justin is one of those people. I've always been a little jealous of that ease. It does becomes a little easier when you have your children and their sports in common. For example, I met one of my friends when Dane first played for the Titans. It's been 2 years now. She's hilarious and I've fallen in love with her family. They were the only family we invited to share our wedding day in Mexico with us, in fact! I'm grateful for football bringing them in our lives. I get my hair cut by another football mom and feel quite close to several others (coaches too!) It's just an all around win-win for our family....and it's all about to begin again....
GO TITANS!
(Oh and Jesus, please keep my kiddos safe...this mamabearnurse is OFF DUTY!)
Conditioning starts for Dane and his Titan team tonight -- and Cole starts on August 1. I love football, I do, but I'm already worried about this season. Dane has been out of any athletic sport for a year now -- which is a long time. Conditioning is tough -- it's hot and miserable. It's also necessary. The kiddo is out of shape and has really got to step up his game. He has forged a very good reputation in football. He's fast, he works hard, and he's got an eye for the holes. Smart kid - smart player. But he's small... and this mamabear worries that my boy will get hurt -- physically OR emotionally. He stresses out about football....he's excited to play though, and I hope that excitement sticks when he's sore, hurting, and (gasp!) maybe even losing.
It's also the time of year when I embrace my football family. Football is pretty consuming. Conditioning has practice running 4x a week...and then regular practice is 3x a week plus the games on Saturday. It's pretty intense. This year will prove to be even more intense with both boys playing tackle fall ball. Cole will play with the Mighty Mites and then Dane's JPW game will follow. That's a lot of field time.
I'm excited though. Justin and I have so much fun watching the boys play, hanging with old friends and meeting new people. (Sometimes, we may be TOO involved -- fond memories of fights in the parking lots and getting ejected ring a bell, ay voy!) Meeting new friends has always been kind of difficult for me. Some people make them easily - Justin is one of those people. I've always been a little jealous of that ease. It does becomes a little easier when you have your children and their sports in common. For example, I met one of my friends when Dane first played for the Titans. It's been 2 years now. She's hilarious and I've fallen in love with her family. They were the only family we invited to share our wedding day in Mexico with us, in fact! I'm grateful for football bringing them in our lives. I get my hair cut by another football mom and feel quite close to several others (coaches too!) It's just an all around win-win for our family....and it's all about to begin again....
GO TITANS!
(Oh and Jesus, please keep my kiddos safe...this mamabearnurse is OFF DUTY!)
Friday, July 15, 2011
A lot of things shock me in this world...
...perhaps it is because I am naive, but I'd like to believe it's because I have an innate nature that truly wants to think that people are truly kind at the core. Afterall, everyone wants the same thing and that is to be happy and not to suffer, right? I do not understand even remotely how diving planes full of hundreds of people into buildings of thousands of people that hurts millions, if not billions, of lives in the name of "religion" can strengthen your cause or make people see things "your way." That is an easy and extreme example, of course, but shocking never the less. Just the other day, I was flipping through the channels on TV and stopped on "Bambi." I don't really remember the movie, other than the disasturous ending (such a great idea for a kid's movie -- insert sarcasm) and I noticed that Bambi is a MALE?! I mean, really!? Why then does the name "Bambi" conjure up an aroma of damp booze, stale mold, cheap perfume, dirty money and a metal pole? Shocking, right!?
Yes, day to day, I am shocked. Mostly, however, it's on a smaller, uh bigger, albeit, different scale.
Human nature.
How do relationships work and fail?
How do people change so drastically or, flip that, how can some people stay the same (*shutter*)?
How does one person find out she has terminal cancer and praise God in laughter for the life she's living and one person tries to take his own life stating that his car broke down, his girlfriend was late and his Mom "just doesn't understand" (simply because she tried to cheer him up.)?
How can people call themselves your friend and then run for the hills, snickering and gossiping along the way, at the first sign of strife?
How can people claim they have religion in their heart, yet turn their back in condemnation, roll their eyes in judgement and feel superior over somebody else?
I'm sure I've been shocked many times in my life -- but I've never noticed it so much since 2007. My divorce. My dad's death. My loss of house, job, money, friends. My mental breakdown. I'd like to attribute it to a personal growth. But I really think it was more of starting over at rock bottom.
Yes, day to day, I am shocked. Mostly, however, it's on a smaller, uh bigger, albeit, different scale.
Human nature.
How do relationships work and fail?
How do people change so drastically or, flip that, how can some people stay the same (*shutter*)?
How does one person find out she has terminal cancer and praise God in laughter for the life she's living and one person tries to take his own life stating that his car broke down, his girlfriend was late and his Mom "just doesn't understand" (simply because she tried to cheer him up.)?
How can people call themselves your friend and then run for the hills, snickering and gossiping along the way, at the first sign of strife?
How can people claim they have religion in their heart, yet turn their back in condemnation, roll their eyes in judgement and feel superior over somebody else?
I'm sure I've been shocked many times in my life -- but I've never noticed it so much since 2007. My divorce. My dad's death. My loss of house, job, money, friends. My mental breakdown. I'd like to attribute it to a personal growth. But I really think it was more of starting over at rock bottom.
Imagine if you will being at the top of a very very tall mountain -- above the clouds. You can see clearly for miles and the air is crisp...You are aware that people know you are up there and you feel that they all want to be by your side. But only you know that you were just placed there by a helicopter....very cool, but you really haven't done a thing to get there. The admiration of many is really a farce in your eyes. It's lonely and you feel like a fake. You know there is a beautiful town that lies below, a warm community, lively artwork and colors, laughter but you can't see past the clouds. You *want* to be below and see below but it's far too scary to climb down. You are going to have to wait to be rescued -- or you will have to fall.
Then change the scenario...you're at the bottom of the same mountain, embracing and living in the world that envelopes you. You know every bit of what got you there....it's your life, your story. There is love and laughter in a quaint town and happy home. You have this fantastic view of this incredible mountain that you treasure. You can see the top, see the clouds scattered in the sky but have no desire to make the climb. "That's for someone else...some other time." You love your life where you are...prime real estate.
**SNAP! Just was in an intense metaphoric daydream!**
Try to keep up, or don't....but it made perfect sense to me....
SHOCKING!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
One year ago today, I had just finished taking the NCLEX
I was a bundle of nerves. I was pretty sure I had passed it -- but you just never know until you know for sure. Nursing school is crazy ... I'd like to say it was a little crazier for me, being recently divorced, working full time, school full time, 2 young kids, and struggling in every sense of the word; it all reality, however, it just pain sucks for everyone. I wish I knew why they make it so difficult. It seems they WANT you to fail. Maybe it's because you get those days as a RN when you just want to crawl up and hide away -- maybe, just maybe, all the blood, sweat, tears (and money) that you invest in nursing school will make you think twice....or something like that...anywhich way, I'm glad school is over -- and I'm in the profession that I love so much. I've been working in the hospital 3 1/2 years -- and only the last year has been in the RN role. But I have enjoyed each and every role. I am very thankful for my unit -- I put my time in and they stood beside me...and now, I will repay them with my full attention at work and my very best intention to be the best nurse that I can be. :)
...That said, I should probably round on my patients? no? :)
...That said, I should probably round on my patients? no? :)
Friday, June 24, 2011
Carmel Valley, California.....here I come!
Today I am leaving for Robin and Matt's wedding. It is going to be one of my ONLY trips taken without my husband and children. Flying solo. I'm so excited to see Robin. I am beyond thrilled for her and where she is in life today. It's been a long road.
Robin and I met our freshman year at U of A. In fact, to be specific, we met downstairs, in front of Coronado dorm around 3am during a fire alarm. (That was 18 years ago! Holy crap!!) She approached me because she vaguely knew my roommate (and longtime best friend, Rentch) from her sorority and knew we lived on the fourth floor -- the same floor her crush lived on. Rentch had gone home for the semester with spinal meningitis and I had the room to myself. I don't think I ever stayed alone after that night. We hit it off IMMEDIATELY. She's goofy, almost air headed, but magnetic. (And, come to find out, she's fucking brilliant -- like unbelievably smart....) It was like I had known her forever. We stayed up the rest of the night -- laughing and stalking, Mr. Crush. We've been the best of friends ever since.
She is definitely my best friend, today...that isn't related to me, that is. She has always had unwavering support and love for me and my life. She was a huge support to me through college. We lived together and played together. Most of my favorite memories include Robin. Rocky Pointe, Fiji, Hot Damn, Trudy's, Dirt Bags, long talks, cuddling, laughing, 21st birthdays (and 19th, 20th, 22nd, actually! and 30th, too - VEGAS BABY)....and probably one of my most vivid memories ever (you know the kind where you literally can FEEL the way you felt at that moment, smell it, hear it?) was when Joel and I had a HUGE UHAUL packed up with everything we owned (including towing a crashed car) and we were leaving U of A after graduation headed for Green Bay, WI....I was tearful and nervous as we headed out of town, and all the sudden BLAZING up the side of our beast was my most beautiful friend, Robin, in her brand new Infinity G20, waving and honking, blowing us kisses and visibly singing (and knowingly, I 'm sure it was terrible- it was always terrible -- and loud)... as she headed west toward California and we drove on to the midwest. I will NEVER forget it -- and have tears in my eyes typing it! She's been there through the ins and outs of my relationship with Joel as he transitioned from my honey to Mr. Sunshine. We've been together in Arizona, Northern and Southern California, Wisconsin, Vegas, Mexico, Costa Rica and I've followed her as she traveled all over the world. She was my first visitor after Dane was born (in Wisconsin, none the less) and cuddled with Cole in his first weeks of life.
"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going...." She....never....left. While I was busy being a jackass and screwing up my life, she loved me. When everyone else judged and gossiped, she called me and told me she was there. When I was desperately depressed, she called to cheer me up. When I felt the most alone, I picked up the phone and called Robin. Time goes by, but I've NEVER felt separated from her. She may not know it -- but I leaned on her consistent friendship even when I was at my lowest. And, I will NEVER forget it.
And, where I am today!? Married and happy! She was one of the first people I told when Justin and I decided to get married. She was thrilled. Just talking to her made my stomach flip and heart happy. She has a way of making me feel like I am exactly where I need to be. It's uncanny. She sent us our first wedding gift -- a beautifully engraved picture frame set....And, now...it's her wedding weekend. I am SO HONORED to be there for my friend....and just love everything I know about Matt. It's about time someone snatch this beauty up -- and I pray that their lives together be as marvelous as it has been with them single and independent, only blessed 1000x by the combination of their personalities and love. My greatest prayer is that she remains happy and strong. May they lean on each other when times are less than easy and know they have friends and family holding them up...May Jesus bless them with children...May the years be kind to them...May they grow together and remember to honor the small things...May they remember this weekend with power and love and friendship....
Watch out, California -- I'm coming to a wedding sans children and husband....to celebrate my friend in one of the hugest life moments....I can't wait to hug her, and laugh, and be silly....oh, and she's surely gonna sing. Consider this your warning. :)
Robin and I met our freshman year at U of A. In fact, to be specific, we met downstairs, in front of Coronado dorm around 3am during a fire alarm. (That was 18 years ago! Holy crap!!) She approached me because she vaguely knew my roommate (and longtime best friend, Rentch) from her sorority and knew we lived on the fourth floor -- the same floor her crush lived on. Rentch had gone home for the semester with spinal meningitis and I had the room to myself. I don't think I ever stayed alone after that night. We hit it off IMMEDIATELY. She's goofy, almost air headed, but magnetic. (And, come to find out, she's fucking brilliant -- like unbelievably smart....) It was like I had known her forever. We stayed up the rest of the night -- laughing and stalking, Mr. Crush. We've been the best of friends ever since.
She is definitely my best friend, today...that isn't related to me, that is. She has always had unwavering support and love for me and my life. She was a huge support to me through college. We lived together and played together. Most of my favorite memories include Robin. Rocky Pointe, Fiji, Hot Damn, Trudy's, Dirt Bags, long talks, cuddling, laughing, 21st birthdays (and 19th, 20th, 22nd, actually! and 30th, too - VEGAS BABY)....and probably one of my most vivid memories ever (you know the kind where you literally can FEEL the way you felt at that moment, smell it, hear it?) was when Joel and I had a HUGE UHAUL packed up with everything we owned (including towing a crashed car) and we were leaving U of A after graduation headed for Green Bay, WI....I was tearful and nervous as we headed out of town, and all the sudden BLAZING up the side of our beast was my most beautiful friend, Robin, in her brand new Infinity G20, waving and honking, blowing us kisses and visibly singing (and knowingly, I 'm sure it was terrible- it was always terrible -- and loud)... as she headed west toward California and we drove on to the midwest. I will NEVER forget it -- and have tears in my eyes typing it! She's been there through the ins and outs of my relationship with Joel as he transitioned from my honey to Mr. Sunshine. We've been together in Arizona, Northern and Southern California, Wisconsin, Vegas, Mexico, Costa Rica and I've followed her as she traveled all over the world. She was my first visitor after Dane was born (in Wisconsin, none the less) and cuddled with Cole in his first weeks of life.
"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going...." She....never....left. While I was busy being a jackass and screwing up my life, she loved me. When everyone else judged and gossiped, she called me and told me she was there. When I was desperately depressed, she called to cheer me up. When I felt the most alone, I picked up the phone and called Robin. Time goes by, but I've NEVER felt separated from her. She may not know it -- but I leaned on her consistent friendship even when I was at my lowest. And, I will NEVER forget it.
And, where I am today!? Married and happy! She was one of the first people I told when Justin and I decided to get married. She was thrilled. Just talking to her made my stomach flip and heart happy. She has a way of making me feel like I am exactly where I need to be. It's uncanny. She sent us our first wedding gift -- a beautifully engraved picture frame set....And, now...it's her wedding weekend. I am SO HONORED to be there for my friend....and just love everything I know about Matt. It's about time someone snatch this beauty up -- and I pray that their lives together be as marvelous as it has been with them single and independent, only blessed 1000x by the combination of their personalities and love. My greatest prayer is that she remains happy and strong. May they lean on each other when times are less than easy and know they have friends and family holding them up...May Jesus bless them with children...May the years be kind to them...May they grow together and remember to honor the small things...May they remember this weekend with power and love and friendship....
Watch out, California -- I'm coming to a wedding sans children and husband....to celebrate my friend in one of the hugest life moments....I can't wait to hug her, and laugh, and be silly....oh, and she's surely gonna sing. Consider this your warning. :)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Happy Thursday!
I was off of work yesterday and today. Yesterday, I woke up super early and took care of some bills and different stuff that I've been putting off. Then I proceeded to jump on the couch with my babies and watch movies then tv and take a nap. It was lazy and cuddly and definitely what I needed. Today, we are got out of the house. We went to the bank, CVS, dry cleaner, petstore, tmobile, Sams Club and then we went to the gym for some swimming. The boys were relentless on the slide while I swam laps and realized JUST how out of shape I am. Swimming use to be easy breezy for me...after 6 laps I was gasping for air and my arms were burning. What the hell happened to me!? :)
Cole also has an eye appt. at 3. This is definitely something that I've been putting off. He failed his school eye test on one eye-- and then at his football physical, again. He has been begging me to "forget about it." But, alas, my poor baby got his eyes from his father and I'm noticing him squinting more often and rubbing his eyes. Time to go in. He cried at first. However, JUST now he said, "glasses won't be THAT bad. Just don't let me get nerdy ones."
ME -- does he KNOW ME?? There isn't a nerdy bone in this out of shape body....he'll learn that...uh, in about 20 more years or so when I'm buying MY glasses....and we WILL BOTH STILL BE cool as shit. :-)
Cole also has an eye appt. at 3. This is definitely something that I've been putting off. He failed his school eye test on one eye-- and then at his football physical, again. He has been begging me to "forget about it." But, alas, my poor baby got his eyes from his father and I'm noticing him squinting more often and rubbing his eyes. Time to go in. He cried at first. However, JUST now he said, "glasses won't be THAT bad. Just don't let me get nerdy ones."
ME -- does he KNOW ME?? There isn't a nerdy bone in this out of shape body....he'll learn that...uh, in about 20 more years or so when I'm buying MY glasses....and we WILL BOTH STILL BE cool as shit. :-)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
So the wedding "reception" party is going to be tomorrow...
...and how do I feel about that!?
Conflicted.
I'm feeling so much anxiety about this day. Partially, it is our fault -- we've procrastinated our way to this moment. We have 75-100 people coming and really Justin and I haven't done much yet. We are having the party at my brother's and I KNOW he's been working very hard getting his house "party perfect" in his eyes (which are very critical eyes ---perfect party planner, that he is!) We are sticking with the Mexico theme since we got married there...it's going to be tacos -- beef carne asada, chicken, refried beans and tortillas - with all the fixings. But we are cooking it all....sigh. We got the meat yesterday so tonight will be spent with Justin and Jason cooking up a storm that we won't get to eat until tomorrow. Today I will run to the grocery store and Sams Club where I will surely spend ungodly amounts of money. I don't know what I'm going to wear. But that's all nada compared to the nerves I feel about our family's colliding. We are very "oil and vinegar" -- My family is comprised of many loud, sarcastic, Irish, drinking, Catholics....his family...quiet, God fearing, 100% Mormans. Neither trumps the other, in my mind, it's just going to make for an interesting blend.
Remember when you were a little kid and you had this perfect idea for a perfect painting. So you got all the supplies and started what was surely going to be your most beautiful creation. It was bright, coming along perfectly and you just absolutely loved it and how it made you feel. Then *spark* you get an idea to shade the tree to help make it stand out, so you pick up the darker colors and begin what your imagination tells you that you can do, but your talent hasn't gotten the memo. Then in one swift heap of disappointment, you hate how it looks, you hate how it makes you feel. So, you just junk a bunch of the paint on the page, mix it all together and have turned it into a clusterfuck of shit brown...in the end, you crumple it up and throw it away....
Ya, well, Justin, Dane, Cole and I are a beautiful creation coming together perfectly. I can't remember a time I've felt on such solid ground. The wedding, and more so, this party is the shaded tree idea -- if done well, will only add to the deliciousness of our marriage. If it's NOT done well...well, disappointment. :( I'm so worried about being let down. Will they get along? Will the kids swim? Will everyone eat? Will they care that people are drinking? Will they care that people aren't? Will anyone judge? Judge me? Judge our love? This isn't something we are willing to crumple up, throw away, or start over...not anymore. I just really want to love the picture.
Woah -- that was extremely vulnerable for me.... *shakes head*
(Attitude adjustment)
However, I am very excited. It will be our one month anniversary tomorrow -- and to be able to spend it with so many people who love and support us so much is exactly what we want to do. I am certain the house will be lovely -- and that people will be respectful. I love our lives. We are all across the spectrum, but we are family. I am sure the food will get done and will satisfy all. I am sure it will be filled with laughter....
I just hope I can remind myself of that when my nerves try to get the best of me. Justin, love, if you are reading this and you see my nerves start to sky rocket, please just calmly put your hand in mine and squeeze. That squeeze will tell me, "it's okay." "I love you." "Our family is intact" "This party is just a party/that comment was just a comment" "and we've got our love forever...you, me, Dane and Cole. Happy" And then maybe push me in the pool. :)
*SQUEEZE*
Conflicted.
I'm feeling so much anxiety about this day. Partially, it is our fault -- we've procrastinated our way to this moment. We have 75-100 people coming and really Justin and I haven't done much yet. We are having the party at my brother's and I KNOW he's been working very hard getting his house "party perfect" in his eyes (which are very critical eyes ---perfect party planner, that he is!) We are sticking with the Mexico theme since we got married there...it's going to be tacos -- beef carne asada, chicken, refried beans and tortillas - with all the fixings. But we are cooking it all....sigh. We got the meat yesterday so tonight will be spent with Justin and Jason cooking up a storm that we won't get to eat until tomorrow. Today I will run to the grocery store and Sams Club where I will surely spend ungodly amounts of money. I don't know what I'm going to wear. But that's all nada compared to the nerves I feel about our family's colliding. We are very "oil and vinegar" -- My family is comprised of many loud, sarcastic, Irish, drinking, Catholics....his family...quiet, God fearing, 100% Mormans. Neither trumps the other, in my mind, it's just going to make for an interesting blend.
Remember when you were a little kid and you had this perfect idea for a perfect painting. So you got all the supplies and started what was surely going to be your most beautiful creation. It was bright, coming along perfectly and you just absolutely loved it and how it made you feel. Then *spark* you get an idea to shade the tree to help make it stand out, so you pick up the darker colors and begin what your imagination tells you that you can do, but your talent hasn't gotten the memo. Then in one swift heap of disappointment, you hate how it looks, you hate how it makes you feel. So, you just junk a bunch of the paint on the page, mix it all together and have turned it into a clusterfuck of shit brown...in the end, you crumple it up and throw it away....
Ya, well, Justin, Dane, Cole and I are a beautiful creation coming together perfectly. I can't remember a time I've felt on such solid ground. The wedding, and more so, this party is the shaded tree idea -- if done well, will only add to the deliciousness of our marriage. If it's NOT done well...well, disappointment. :( I'm so worried about being let down. Will they get along? Will the kids swim? Will everyone eat? Will they care that people are drinking? Will they care that people aren't? Will anyone judge? Judge me? Judge our love? This isn't something we are willing to crumple up, throw away, or start over...not anymore. I just really want to love the picture.
Woah -- that was extremely vulnerable for me.... *shakes head*
(Attitude adjustment)
However, I am very excited. It will be our one month anniversary tomorrow -- and to be able to spend it with so many people who love and support us so much is exactly what we want to do. I am certain the house will be lovely -- and that people will be respectful. I love our lives. We are all across the spectrum, but we are family. I am sure the food will get done and will satisfy all. I am sure it will be filled with laughter....
I just hope I can remind myself of that when my nerves try to get the best of me. Justin, love, if you are reading this and you see my nerves start to sky rocket, please just calmly put your hand in mine and squeeze. That squeeze will tell me, "it's okay." "I love you." "Our family is intact" "This party is just a party/that comment was just a comment" "and we've got our love forever...you, me, Dane and Cole. Happy" And then maybe push me in the pool. :)
*SQUEEZE*
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Dane lost the election -- by 3 measley votes....
He found out yesterday -- I had a bit of a heavy heart all day. Dane is just such a cool kid. He is an old soul. He always has a way of compassion -- knowing how people are feeling and reaching out to them. I will never forget my dark and lonely days...I would try very hard to put on a brave face and bright smile. I never fooled Dane. Out of the blue, he'd give me a big hug and tell me he loves me or he'd simply hold my hand. One night, I was watching TV -- feeling exceptionally vulnerable and hopeless -- and he came up, cuddled under my blanket with me, grabbed my cheeks and said, "you are the best mom in the whole world. You do such a good job." Ugh....tears
So anyway, I worried about his heart all day yesterday. They were at Sunshine's last night but I just had to see him. I went to school to intercept him :) I was talking to Jen (she's married to Sunshine now and is a teacher at the boy's school) and she was nonchalantly telling me how well he handled it. "He's totally OK with it" I think she was saying right as my almost sixth grader came and literally tackled me with a huge bearhug. I grabbed his beautiful face and said, "Hi baby, how are you?" and big tears welled up in his gorgeous dark brown deer in the headlight eyes, "did you hear?"... Jen said, "Oh maybe that's what he needs" and offered an escape into her open and empty classroom (a gracious offer, my heart thanks her). We talked a little about the loss. He WAS okay. It just made him sad. He said it helped that it was so close. He also said, "student council still needs me, so I'll just run for class representative." That's my son. Sigh. I actually congratulated him for losing. Dane has never lost before in his life, yet, he knew this was just a blip on the radar screen. I love his emotion and strength. I love his words, his intentions and his actions. I commended him for holding his head high and looking forward.
This child is amazing. He has the ability to feel the moment, yet see the lesson and the future. And, as bizarre as it sounds, I drove home after a sweet hug and kiss goodbye from both boys -- and asked Jesus to help me be more like my son. I wanna be like Dane. :)
So anyway, I worried about his heart all day yesterday. They were at Sunshine's last night but I just had to see him. I went to school to intercept him :) I was talking to Jen (she's married to Sunshine now and is a teacher at the boy's school) and she was nonchalantly telling me how well he handled it. "He's totally OK with it" I think she was saying right as my almost sixth grader came and literally tackled me with a huge bearhug. I grabbed his beautiful face and said, "Hi baby, how are you?" and big tears welled up in his gorgeous dark brown deer in the headlight eyes, "did you hear?"... Jen said, "Oh maybe that's what he needs" and offered an escape into her open and empty classroom (a gracious offer, my heart thanks her). We talked a little about the loss. He WAS okay. It just made him sad. He said it helped that it was so close. He also said, "student council still needs me, so I'll just run for class representative." That's my son. Sigh. I actually congratulated him for losing. Dane has never lost before in his life, yet, he knew this was just a blip on the radar screen. I love his emotion and strength. I love his words, his intentions and his actions. I commended him for holding his head high and looking forward.
This child is amazing. He has the ability to feel the moment, yet see the lesson and the future. And, as bizarre as it sounds, I drove home after a sweet hug and kiss goodbye from both boys -- and asked Jesus to help me be more like my son. I wanna be like Dane. :)
Friday, May 27, 2011
Dane's running for school President....
and I'm so proud of him. I don't care if he wins or if he loses, quite frankly. What I care about is that I have a beautiful child who takes risks and sets goals. Dane was in 3rd grade when he vowed that he would be Treasurer in 4th grade, Vice President in 5th grade and President in 6th. So far, he's accomplished his goal. Now the vote are in the hands of his classmates. Dane admits that this may be the year he loses, but he is ok with it (at this point anyway....) I just have to say -- that I am beyond proud of my 10 year old -- who wrote his own speech and came up with the idea to dress like a Scorpion all on his own. I'm so proud of him for trying.... ...and being so damn cute doing it. :) GO DANE!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I'm finding it very difficult to not be happy or to get the smile off my face....
....there are things to bitch about -- but that certainly isn't one of them!! :)
I feel so complete. I don't know another way to say it. I feel like my dreams have been reached, like I'm on the top of the mountain enjoying the view.
I have struggled so much the last few years -- really 5 years. I think of how far I have come. I was in an unhappy marriage, a stay at home mom then the divorce and betrayal of friends, my dad's death, nursing school....and I kept going forward.
And here I am today. I'm married to the most beautiful man. My children are blessed by having two homes full of love. I'm a nurse. I am able to touch lives daily. My house is beautiful, my heart is huge. I laugh all the time. Smiles come from my core. I have no one to impress -- no one else to be.
Basking in it.....
...finally.
I feel so complete. I don't know another way to say it. I feel like my dreams have been reached, like I'm on the top of the mountain enjoying the view.
I have struggled so much the last few years -- really 5 years. I think of how far I have come. I was in an unhappy marriage, a stay at home mom then the divorce and betrayal of friends, my dad's death, nursing school....and I kept going forward.
And here I am today. I'm married to the most beautiful man. My children are blessed by having two homes full of love. I'm a nurse. I am able to touch lives daily. My house is beautiful, my heart is huge. I laugh all the time. Smiles come from my core. I have no one to impress -- no one else to be.
Basking in it.....
...finally.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I'm MARRIED!!!
Justin and I tied the knot this past Saturday the 14th in Mexico!It was everything I dreamed it would be - and then some. We have been through so very much together - 4 and a half years of laughter and smiles as well as some very difficult times. We've moved 3 times, had holidays and birthdays, celebrations and deaths, struggled through Nursing School, struggled personally and financially, continued to raise 2 beautiful children, added two dogs to the mix, grew independently, meshed together, cried, laughed uncontrollably, rejoiced in successes and loved each other each step along the way.
Life.
We are both taking this vow very seriously and know that life will bring as much sunshine as it does rain. We are committed to ride the waves. Marriage is work - raising a family is more work. We deserve this and so do Dane and Cole.
The ceremony was just us -- we wrote our vows with the boys -- it was very touching. We stood in a family circle. We didn't exactly "elope" - our closest friends and both families (including my ex) knew. We just didn't exactly tell people in time that they would be able to attend. My brother and his partner were there -- and a couple of nearest and dearest. We were barefoot in the sand -- waves blowing our hair, sunglasses on our faces, smiles beaming and tears streaming. Like I said, it was how I ALWAYS wanted to get married.
I have 10 million pictures -- and a video -- that I'll be editing and sharing today. We rented jet skis, took the boys out fishing in the ocean, body surfed, ate at some amazing places, got my hair braided, bought the boys trinkets (and a concrete monkey -- "haven't you always wanted a monkey!?") and took it all in.
I have never been so happy in my entire life.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Wednesday -- happy ^HUMP^ day.....
....the days are dragging by in desperate anticipation for the weekend. I am suppose to work tomorrow and we are headed out of the country Friday - so today is really the last day for me to do anything.
Yet, I feel like cranking Jimmy Buffett, cracking open a beer and playing outside in the beautiful Arizona sunshine with sincere gratitude and happiness.
It's been a long time since I've had this smile...no, not just the outward one that everyone sees -- but the one INSIDE my soul...where I feel absolutely in love with my life and bursting at the heart seams. It's intensely perfect.
I'm also a realist and know it won't last.....
I woke up this morning and this utter calmness and happiness dawned on me. Like I said, it's been YEARS...and oddly enough, I wanted to call Sunshine.
uh.....?
Again, I am not missing him romantically -- but noone from my past, in this world, has ever known me as well. I am so proud of the person I am today. I really really am....and the people who have travelled this incredibly difficult road with me and still remain by my side.. should be too. And, he is. I know it. This morning, I just sort of wanted to talk to an old friend and rehash the BULLSHIT that I caused and went through and celebrate my life today...and my first thought was him.
...but he is not my friend...and certainly not available to reflect with.....
....and that's okay.
So, I journal -- and blog -- and remember a love so very pure and rejoice in a love that has been fought for and earned and is mine today. I am so happy to have had my relationship with Sunshine -- I simply wouldn't be who I am without it -- and that's not even to mention our beautiful children. Because my love for him was real, I am able to 100% love again - to learn the lessons that our love loss taught me - to fight for things, and let other things go. It's not terrible to be divorced. It's not terrible to have loved, and lost. It's TERRIBLE to stop there.
And, I haven't.
I am worth it.
Justin is worth it.
And, however odd it seems, I am thanking Sunshine today for teaching me how to love -- and how to love right.
Yet, I feel like cranking Jimmy Buffett, cracking open a beer and playing outside in the beautiful Arizona sunshine with sincere gratitude and happiness.
It's been a long time since I've had this smile...no, not just the outward one that everyone sees -- but the one INSIDE my soul...where I feel absolutely in love with my life and bursting at the heart seams. It's intensely perfect.
I'm also a realist and know it won't last.....
I woke up this morning and this utter calmness and happiness dawned on me. Like I said, it's been YEARS...and oddly enough, I wanted to call Sunshine.
uh.....?
Again, I am not missing him romantically -- but noone from my past, in this world, has ever known me as well. I am so proud of the person I am today. I really really am....and the people who have travelled this incredibly difficult road with me and still remain by my side.. should be too. And, he is. I know it. This morning, I just sort of wanted to talk to an old friend and rehash the BULLSHIT that I caused and went through and celebrate my life today...and my first thought was him.
...but he is not my friend...and certainly not available to reflect with.....
....and that's okay.
So, I journal -- and blog -- and remember a love so very pure and rejoice in a love that has been fought for and earned and is mine today. I am so happy to have had my relationship with Sunshine -- I simply wouldn't be who I am without it -- and that's not even to mention our beautiful children. Because my love for him was real, I am able to 100% love again - to learn the lessons that our love loss taught me - to fight for things, and let other things go. It's not terrible to be divorced. It's not terrible to have loved, and lost. It's TERRIBLE to stop there.
And, I haven't.
I am worth it.
Justin is worth it.
And, however odd it seems, I am thanking Sunshine today for teaching me how to love -- and how to love right.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Have you ever been so excited -- you just want to scream...
...like a kid before Christmas....or, well.....some other major event in your life that you literally are counting down the MINUTES for?????
Ya?
Me too!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
I am SO happy this morning...
...it's crazy. Now, I know this high isn't going to last -- it never does -- but I'm going to relish in it's moment. So indulge me.
I finished a most fantabulous book this morning -- Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce by Gabriel Cohen -- I started it the night before last. This spiritual journey I am on has done remarkable things for my inner me. This book is delicious. Anyone who has is going through or has been through a painful divorce/breakup should read it. It's phenomenal and gives simple steps on how to facilitate CHANGE in your thinking. By changing the way you think, your relationship with your ex will change and it will help your next relationship. Sunshine and I have been separated 4 1/2 years and this book still touches a very personal place in my heart (and in my gut.) It's got me thinking -- that is for sure. Buddhism lies in being kind - in thinking compassionately. Everyone wants to be happy, no one wants to suffer. If I can keep that in the forefront of my hardheaded noggin, things would be a lot better.
I am thinking deeply about writing a letter to Sunshine. Apologizing. I know I hurt him incredibly and made him feel like a failure. I hate that I did that to a man I loved more than anything. I will always love him - not in a "I want him back way" - but because we spent 14 years of our lives loving each other and have two beautiful boys together. I also am thinking about writing Sunshine's wife...my former friend...a letter, as well. I want to let her know that I am sorry for the very ugly things I did and said after the split. Trust me, I am not zen-like and bouncing on the clouds here -- I am still deeply hurt and surprised by her choices, but I understand that "everyone just wants to be happy" applies to her as well. I can only be responsible for my actions and my thoughts -- and I am uber tired of them being negative. I need to be okay with whatever response they give me, however, and it could range from warm and receptive to thinking I'm crazy (and telling me so) and ignoring them completely. Hell, they might just rip them up -- and I need to be okay with that. Cleaning up my side of the road, so I can continue on the "Road That Has Risen To Meet Me." (clever tie back to the name of my blog, if I must say...)
This all is possible because my relationship with Justin is everything I hoped it would be -- solid. We aren't looking back. We made our choice. Jumped in with both feet. We have taken a crazy path and been through so much, but when I step back and look at it -- it's beautifully flawed and beautifully us. I love that man deeply. And, so do my children. We are one big happy family. And, I am thrilled to grow old with that man.
I finished a most fantabulous book this morning -- Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce by Gabriel Cohen -- I started it the night before last. This spiritual journey I am on has done remarkable things for my inner me. This book is delicious. Anyone who has is going through or has been through a painful divorce/breakup should read it. It's phenomenal and gives simple steps on how to facilitate CHANGE in your thinking. By changing the way you think, your relationship with your ex will change and it will help your next relationship. Sunshine and I have been separated 4 1/2 years and this book still touches a very personal place in my heart (and in my gut.) It's got me thinking -- that is for sure. Buddhism lies in being kind - in thinking compassionately. Everyone wants to be happy, no one wants to suffer. If I can keep that in the forefront of my hardheaded noggin, things would be a lot better.
I am thinking deeply about writing a letter to Sunshine. Apologizing. I know I hurt him incredibly and made him feel like a failure. I hate that I did that to a man I loved more than anything. I will always love him - not in a "I want him back way" - but because we spent 14 years of our lives loving each other and have two beautiful boys together. I also am thinking about writing Sunshine's wife...my former friend...a letter, as well. I want to let her know that I am sorry for the very ugly things I did and said after the split. Trust me, I am not zen-like and bouncing on the clouds here -- I am still deeply hurt and surprised by her choices, but I understand that "everyone just wants to be happy" applies to her as well. I can only be responsible for my actions and my thoughts -- and I am uber tired of them being negative. I need to be okay with whatever response they give me, however, and it could range from warm and receptive to thinking I'm crazy (and telling me so) and ignoring them completely. Hell, they might just rip them up -- and I need to be okay with that. Cleaning up my side of the road, so I can continue on the "Road That Has Risen To Meet Me." (clever tie back to the name of my blog, if I must say...)
This all is possible because my relationship with Justin is everything I hoped it would be -- solid. We aren't looking back. We made our choice. Jumped in with both feet. We have taken a crazy path and been through so much, but when I step back and look at it -- it's beautifully flawed and beautifully us. I love that man deeply. And, so do my children. We are one big happy family. And, I am thrilled to grow old with that man.
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