So the wedding "reception" party is going to be tomorrow...

...and how do I feel about that!?

Conflicted.

I'm feeling so much anxiety about this day. Partially, it is our fault -- we've procrastinated our way to this moment. We have 75-100 people coming and really Justin and I haven't done much yet. We are having the party at my brother's and I KNOW he's been working very hard getting his house "party perfect" in his eyes (which are very critical eyes ---perfect party planner, that he is!) We are sticking with the Mexico theme since we got married there...it's going to be tacos -- beef carne asada, chicken, refried beans and tortillas - with all the fixings. But we are cooking it all....sigh. We got the meat yesterday so tonight will be spent with Justin and Jason cooking up a storm that we won't get to eat until tomorrow. Today I will run to the grocery store and Sams Club where I will surely spend ungodly amounts of money. I don't know what I'm going to wear. But that's all nada compared to the nerves I feel about our family's colliding. We are very "oil and vinegar" -- My family is comprised of many loud, sarcastic, Irish, drinking, Catholics....his family...quiet, God fearing, 100% Mormans. Neither trumps the other, in my mind, it's just going to make for an interesting blend.

Remember when you were a little kid and you had this perfect idea for a perfect painting. So you got all the supplies and started what was surely going to be your most beautiful creation. It was bright, coming along perfectly and you just absolutely loved it and how it made you feel. Then *spark* you get an idea to shade the tree to help make it stand out, so you pick up the darker colors and begin what your imagination tells you that you can do, but your talent hasn't gotten the memo. Then in one swift heap of disappointment, you hate how it looks, you hate how it makes you feel. So, you just junk a bunch of the paint on the page, mix it all together and have turned it into a clusterfuck of shit brown...in the end, you crumple it up and throw it away....

Ya, well, Justin, Dane, Cole and I are a beautiful creation coming together perfectly. I can't remember a time I've felt on such solid ground. The wedding, and more so, this party is the shaded tree idea -- if done well, will only add to the deliciousness of our marriage. If it's NOT done well...well, disappointment. :( I'm so worried about being let down. Will they get along? Will the kids swim? Will everyone eat? Will they care that people are drinking? Will they care that people aren't? Will anyone judge? Judge me? Judge our love? This isn't something we are willing to crumple up, throw away, or start over...not anymore. I just really want to love the picture.

Woah -- that was extremely vulnerable for me.... *shakes head*

(Attitude adjustment)

However, I am very excited. It will be our one month anniversary tomorrow -- and to be able to spend it with so many people who love and support us so much is exactly what we want to do. I am certain the house will be lovely -- and that people will be respectful. I love our lives. We are all across the spectrum, but we are family. I am sure the food will get done and will satisfy all. I am sure it will be filled with laughter....

I just hope I can remind myself of that when my nerves try to get the best of me. Justin, love, if you are reading this and you see my nerves start to sky rocket, please just calmly put your hand in mine and squeeze. That squeeze will tell me, "it's okay." "I love you." "Our family is intact" "This party is just a party/that comment was just a comment" "and we've got our love forever...you, me, Dane and Cole. Happy" And then maybe push me in the pool. :)

*SQUEEZE*