I finished a most fantabulous book this morning -- Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce by Gabriel Cohen -- I started it the night before last. This spiritual journey I am on has done remarkable things for my inner me. This book is delicious. Anyone who has is going through or has been through a painful divorce/breakup should read it. It's phenomenal and gives simple steps on how to facilitate CHANGE in your thinking. By changing the way you think, your relationship with your ex will change and it will help your next relationship. Sunshine and I have been separated 4 1/2 years and this book still touches a very personal place in my heart (and in my gut.) It's got me thinking -- that is for sure. Buddhism lies in being kind - in thinking compassionately. Everyone wants to be happy, no one wants to suffer. If I can keep that in the forefront of my hardheaded noggin, things would be a lot better.
I am thinking deeply about writing a letter to Sunshine. Apologizing. I know I hurt him incredibly and made him feel like a failure. I hate that I did that to a man I loved more than anything. I will always love him - not in a "I want him back way" - but because we spent 14 years of our lives loving each other and have two beautiful boys together. I also am thinking about writing Sunshine's wife...my former friend...a letter, as well. I want to let her know that I am sorry for the very ugly things I did and said after the split. Trust me, I am not zen-like and bouncing on the clouds here -- I am still deeply hurt and surprised by her choices, but I understand that "everyone just wants to be happy" applies to her as well. I can only be responsible for my actions and my thoughts -- and I am uber tired of them being negative. I need to be okay with whatever response they give me, however, and it could range from warm and receptive to thinking I'm crazy (and telling me so) and ignoring them completely. Hell, they might just rip them up -- and I need to be okay with that. Cleaning up my side of the road, so I can continue on the "Road That Has Risen To Meet Me." (clever tie back to the name of my blog, if I must say...)
This all is possible because my relationship with Justin is everything I hoped it would be -- solid. We aren't looking back. We made our choice. Jumped in with both feet. We have taken a crazy path and been through so much, but when I step back and look at it -- it's beautifully flawed and beautifully us. I love that man deeply. And, so do my children. We are one big happy family. And, I am thrilled to grow old with that man.
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