Carmel Valley, California.....here I come!

Today I am leaving for Robin and Matt's wedding. It is going to be one of my ONLY trips taken without my husband and children. Flying solo. I'm so excited to see Robin. I am beyond thrilled for her and where she is in life today. It's been a long road.

Robin and I met our freshman year at U of A. In fact, to be specific, we met downstairs, in front of Coronado dorm around 3am during a fire alarm. (That was 18 years ago! Holy crap!!) She approached me because she vaguely knew my roommate (and longtime best friend, Rentch) from her sorority and knew we lived on the fourth floor -- the same floor her crush lived on. Rentch had gone home for the semester with spinal meningitis and I had the room to myself. I don't think I ever stayed alone after that night. We hit it off IMMEDIATELY. She's goofy, almost air headed, but magnetic. (And, come to find out, she's fucking brilliant -- like unbelievably smart....) It was like I had known her forever. We stayed up the rest of the night -- laughing and stalking, Mr. Crush. We've been the best of friends ever since.

She is definitely my best friend, today...that isn't related to me, that is. She has always had unwavering support and love for me and my life. She was a huge support to me through college. We lived together and played together. Most of my favorite memories include Robin. Rocky Pointe, Fiji, Hot Damn, Trudy's, Dirt Bags, long talks, cuddling, laughing, 21st birthdays (and 19th, 20th, 22nd, actually! and 30th, too - VEGAS BABY)....and probably one of my most vivid memories ever (you know the kind where you literally can FEEL the way you felt at that moment, smell it, hear it?) was when Joel and I had a HUGE UHAUL packed up with everything we owned (including towing a crashed car) and we were leaving U of A after graduation headed for Green Bay, WI....I was tearful and nervous as we headed out of town, and all the sudden BLAZING up the side of our beast was my most beautiful friend, Robin, in her brand new Infinity G20, waving and honking, blowing us kisses and visibly singing (and knowingly, I 'm sure it was terrible- it was always terrible -- and loud)... as she headed west toward California and we drove on to the midwest. I will NEVER forget it -- and have tears in my eyes typing it! She's been there through the ins and outs of my relationship with Joel as he transitioned from my honey to Mr. Sunshine. We've been together in Arizona, Northern and Southern California, Wisconsin, Vegas, Mexico, Costa Rica and I've followed her as she traveled all over the world. She was my first visitor after Dane was born (in Wisconsin, none the less) and cuddled with Cole in his first weeks of life.

"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going...." She....never....left. While I was busy being a jackass and screwing up my life, she loved me. When everyone else judged and gossiped, she called me and told me she was there. When I was desperately depressed, she called to cheer me up. When I felt the most alone, I picked up the phone and called Robin. Time goes by, but I've NEVER felt separated from her. She may not know it -- but I leaned on her consistent friendship even when I was at my lowest. And, I will NEVER forget it.

And, where I am today!? Married and happy! She was one of the first people I told when Justin and I decided to get married. She was thrilled. Just talking to her made my stomach flip and heart happy. She has a way of making me feel like I am exactly where I need to be. It's uncanny. She sent us our first wedding gift -- a beautifully engraved picture frame set....And, now...it's her wedding weekend. I am SO HONORED to be there for my friend....and just love everything I know about Matt. It's about time someone snatch this beauty up -- and I pray that their lives together be as marvelous as it has been with them single and independent, only blessed 1000x by the combination of their personalities and love. My greatest prayer is that she remains happy and strong. May they lean on each other when times are less than easy and know they have friends and family holding them up...May Jesus bless them with children...May the years be kind to them...May they grow together and remember to honor the small things...May they remember this weekend with power and love and friendship....

Watch out, California -- I'm coming to a wedding sans children and husband....to celebrate my friend in one of the hugest life moments....I can't wait to hug her, and laugh, and be silly....oh, and she's surely gonna sing. Consider this your warning. :)

Happy Thursday!

I was off of work yesterday and today. Yesterday, I woke up super early and took care of some bills and different stuff that I've been putting off. Then I proceeded to jump on the couch with my babies and watch movies then tv and take a nap. It was lazy and cuddly and definitely what I needed. Today, we are got out of the house. We went to the bank, CVS, dry cleaner, petstore, tmobile, Sams Club and then we went to the gym for some swimming. The boys were relentless on the slide while I swam laps and realized JUST how out of shape I am. Swimming use to be easy breezy for me...after 6 laps I was gasping for air and my arms were burning. What the hell happened to me!? :)

Cole also has an eye appt. at 3. This is definitely something that I've been putting off. He failed his school eye test on one eye-- and then at his football physical, again. He has been begging me to "forget about it." But, alas, my poor baby got his eyes from his father and I'm noticing him squinting more often and rubbing his eyes. Time to go in. He cried at first. However, JUST now he said, "glasses won't be THAT bad. Just don't let me get nerdy ones."

ME -- does he KNOW ME?? There isn't a nerdy bone in this out of shape body....he'll learn that...uh, in about 20 more years or so when I'm buying MY glasses....and we WILL BOTH STILL BE cool as shit. :-)

MARRIAGE CELEBRATION!!!

...28 Photos in Album

Click Here to View My Slideshow! iWebPhoto.com

So the wedding "reception" party is going to be tomorrow...

...and how do I feel about that!?

Conflicted.

I'm feeling so much anxiety about this day. Partially, it is our fault -- we've procrastinated our way to this moment. We have 75-100 people coming and really Justin and I haven't done much yet. We are having the party at my brother's and I KNOW he's been working very hard getting his house "party perfect" in his eyes (which are very critical eyes ---perfect party planner, that he is!) We are sticking with the Mexico theme since we got married there...it's going to be tacos -- beef carne asada, chicken, refried beans and tortillas - with all the fixings. But we are cooking it all....sigh. We got the meat yesterday so tonight will be spent with Justin and Jason cooking up a storm that we won't get to eat until tomorrow. Today I will run to the grocery store and Sams Club where I will surely spend ungodly amounts of money. I don't know what I'm going to wear. But that's all nada compared to the nerves I feel about our family's colliding. We are very "oil and vinegar" -- My family is comprised of many loud, sarcastic, Irish, drinking, Catholics....his family...quiet, God fearing, 100% Mormans. Neither trumps the other, in my mind, it's just going to make for an interesting blend.

Remember when you were a little kid and you had this perfect idea for a perfect painting. So you got all the supplies and started what was surely going to be your most beautiful creation. It was bright, coming along perfectly and you just absolutely loved it and how it made you feel. Then *spark* you get an idea to shade the tree to help make it stand out, so you pick up the darker colors and begin what your imagination tells you that you can do, but your talent hasn't gotten the memo. Then in one swift heap of disappointment, you hate how it looks, you hate how it makes you feel. So, you just junk a bunch of the paint on the page, mix it all together and have turned it into a clusterfuck of shit brown...in the end, you crumple it up and throw it away....

Ya, well, Justin, Dane, Cole and I are a beautiful creation coming together perfectly. I can't remember a time I've felt on such solid ground. The wedding, and more so, this party is the shaded tree idea -- if done well, will only add to the deliciousness of our marriage. If it's NOT done well...well, disappointment. :( I'm so worried about being let down. Will they get along? Will the kids swim? Will everyone eat? Will they care that people are drinking? Will they care that people aren't? Will anyone judge? Judge me? Judge our love? This isn't something we are willing to crumple up, throw away, or start over...not anymore. I just really want to love the picture.

Woah -- that was extremely vulnerable for me.... *shakes head*

(Attitude adjustment)

However, I am very excited. It will be our one month anniversary tomorrow -- and to be able to spend it with so many people who love and support us so much is exactly what we want to do. I am certain the house will be lovely -- and that people will be respectful. I love our lives. We are all across the spectrum, but we are family. I am sure the food will get done and will satisfy all. I am sure it will be filled with laughter....

I just hope I can remind myself of that when my nerves try to get the best of me. Justin, love, if you are reading this and you see my nerves start to sky rocket, please just calmly put your hand in mine and squeeze. That squeeze will tell me, "it's okay." "I love you." "Our family is intact" "This party is just a party/that comment was just a comment" "and we've got our love forever...you, me, Dane and Cole. Happy" And then maybe push me in the pool. :)

*SQUEEZE*

There is just so much ironic comedy in this.....makes me laugh out LOUD...really.

Dane lost the election -- by 3 measley votes....

He found out yesterday -- I had a bit of a heavy heart all day. Dane is just such a cool kid. He is an old soul. He always has a way of compassion -- knowing how people are feeling and reaching out to them. I will never forget my dark and lonely days...I would try very hard to put on a brave face and bright smile. I never fooled Dane. Out of the blue, he'd give me a big hug and tell me he loves me or he'd simply hold my hand. One night, I was watching TV -- feeling exceptionally vulnerable and hopeless -- and he came up, cuddled under my blanket with me, grabbed my cheeks and said, "you are the best mom in the whole world. You do such a good job." Ugh....tears

So anyway, I worried about his heart all day yesterday. They were at Sunshine's last night but I just had to see him. I went to school to intercept him :) I was talking to Jen (she's married to Sunshine now and is a teacher at the boy's school) and she was nonchalantly telling me how well he handled it. "He's totally OK with it" I think she was saying right as my almost sixth grader came and literally tackled me with a huge bearhug. I grabbed his beautiful face and said, "Hi baby, how are you?" and big tears welled up in his gorgeous dark brown deer in the headlight eyes, "did you hear?"... Jen said, "Oh maybe that's what he needs" and offered an escape into her open and empty classroom (a gracious offer, my heart thanks her). We talked a little about the loss. He WAS okay. It just made him sad. He said it helped that it was so close. He also said, "student council still needs me, so I'll just run for class representative." That's my son. Sigh. I actually congratulated him for losing. Dane has never lost before in his life, yet, he knew this was just a blip on the radar screen. I love his emotion and strength. I love his words, his intentions and his actions. I commended him for holding his head high and looking forward.

This child is amazing. He has the ability to feel the moment, yet see the lesson and the future. And, as bizarre as it sounds, I drove home after a sweet hug and kiss goodbye from both boys -- and asked Jesus to help me be more like my son. I wanna be like Dane. :)

Dane's running for school President....

and I'm so proud of him. I don't care if he wins or if he loses, quite frankly. What I care about is that I have a beautiful child who takes risks and sets goals. Dane was in 3rd grade when he vowed that he would be Treasurer in 4th grade, Vice President in 5th grade and President in 6th. So far, he's accomplished his goal. Now the vote are in the hands of his classmates. Dane admits that this may be the year he loses, but he is ok with it (at this point anyway....) I just have to say -- that I am beyond proud of my 10 year old -- who wrote his own speech and came up with the idea to dress like a Scorpion all on his own. I'm so proud of him for trying.... ...and being so damn cute doing it. :) GO DANE!

I'm finding it very difficult to not be happy or to get the smile off my face....

....there are things to bitch about -- but that certainly isn't one of them!! :)

I feel so complete. I don't know another way to say it. I feel like my dreams have been reached, like I'm on the top of the mountain enjoying the view.

I have struggled so much the last few years -- really 5 years. I think of how far I have come. I was in an unhappy marriage, a stay at home mom then the divorce and betrayal of friends, my dad's death, nursing school....and I kept going forward.

And here I am today. I'm married to the most beautiful man. My children are blessed by having two homes full of love. I'm a nurse. I am able to touch lives daily. My house is beautiful, my heart is huge. I laugh all the time. Smiles come from my core. I have no one to impress -- no one else to be.

Basking in it.....

...finally.

MVI 6369

I'm MARRIED!!!

Justin and I tied the knot this past Saturday the 14th in Mexico!

It was everything I dreamed it would be - and then some. We have been through so very much together - 4 and a half years of laughter and smiles as well as some very difficult times. We've moved 3 times, had holidays and birthdays, celebrations and deaths, struggled through Nursing School, struggled personally and financially, continued to raise 2 beautiful children, added two dogs to the mix, grew independently, meshed together, cried, laughed uncontrollably, rejoiced in successes and loved each other each step along the way.

Life.

We are both taking this vow very seriously and know that life will bring as much sunshine as it does rain. We are committed to ride the waves. Marriage is work - raising a family is more work. We deserve this and so do Dane and Cole.

The ceremony was just us -- we wrote our vows with the boys -- it was very touching. We stood in a family circle. We didn't exactly "elope" - our closest friends and both families (including my ex) knew. We just didn't exactly tell people in time that they would be able to attend. My brother and his partner were there -- and a couple of nearest and dearest. We were barefoot in the sand -- waves blowing our hair, sunglasses on our faces, smiles beaming and tears streaming. Like I said, it was how I ALWAYS wanted to get married.

I have 10 million pictures -- and a video -- that I'll be editing and sharing today. We rented jet skis, took the boys out fishing in the ocean, body surfed, ate at some amazing places, got my hair braided, bought the boys trinkets (and a concrete monkey -- "haven't you always wanted a monkey!?") and took it all in.

I have never been so happy in my entire life.

Wednesday -- happy ^HUMP^ day.....

....the days are dragging by in desperate anticipation for the weekend. I am suppose to work tomorrow and we are headed out of the country Friday - so today is really the last day for me to do anything.

Yet, I feel like cranking Jimmy Buffett, cracking open a beer and playing outside in the beautiful Arizona sunshine with sincere gratitude and happiness.

It's been a long time since I've had this smile...no, not just the outward one that everyone sees -- but the one INSIDE my soul...where I feel absolutely in love with my life and bursting at the heart seams. It's intensely perfect.

I'm also a realist and know it won't last.....

I woke up this morning and this utter calmness and happiness dawned on me. Like I said, it's been YEARS...and oddly enough, I wanted to call Sunshine.

uh.....?

Again, I am not missing him romantically -- but noone from my past, in this world, has ever known me as well. I am so proud of the person I am today. I really really am....and the people who have travelled this incredibly difficult road with me and still remain by my side.. should be too. And, he is. I know it. This morning, I just sort of wanted to talk to an old friend and rehash the BULLSHIT that I caused and went through and celebrate my life today...and my first thought was him.

...but he is not my friend...and certainly not available to reflect with.....

....and that's okay.

So, I journal -- and blog -- and remember a love so very pure and rejoice in a love that has been fought for and earned and is mine today. I am so happy to have had my relationship with Sunshine -- I simply wouldn't be who I am without it -- and that's not even to mention our beautiful children. Because my love for him was real, I am able to 100% love again - to learn the lessons that our love loss taught me - to fight for things, and let other things go. It's not terrible to be divorced. It's not terrible to have loved, and lost. It's TERRIBLE to stop there.

And, I haven't.

I am worth it.

Justin is worth it.

And, however odd it seems, I am thanking Sunshine today for teaching me how to love -- and how to love right.

Have you ever been so excited -- you just want to scream...

...like a kid before Christmas....or, well.....some other major event in your life that you literally are counting down the MINUTES for?????

Ya?

Me too!

I am SO happy this morning...

...it's crazy. Now, I know this high isn't going to last -- it never does -- but I'm going to relish in it's moment. So indulge me.

I finished a most fantabulous book this morning -- Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce by Gabriel Cohen -- I started it the night before last. This spiritual journey I am on has done remarkable things for my inner me. This book is delicious. Anyone who has is going through or has been through a painful divorce/breakup should read it. It's phenomenal and gives simple steps on how to facilitate CHANGE in your thinking. By changing the way you think, your relationship with your ex will change and it will help your next relationship. Sunshine and I have been separated 4 1/2 years and this book still touches a very personal place in my heart (and in my gut.) It's got me thinking -- that is for sure. Buddhism lies in being kind - in thinking compassionately. Everyone wants to be happy, no one wants to suffer. If I can keep that in the forefront of my hardheaded noggin, things would be a lot better.



I am thinking deeply about writing a letter to Sunshine. Apologizing. I know I hurt him incredibly and made him feel like a failure. I hate that I did that to a man I loved more than anything. I will always love him - not in a "I want him back way" - but because we spent 14 years of our lives loving each other and have two beautiful boys together. I also am thinking about writing Sunshine's wife...my former friend...a letter, as well. I want to let her know that I am sorry for the very ugly things I did and said after the split. Trust me, I am not zen-like and bouncing on the clouds here -- I am still deeply hurt and surprised by her choices, but I understand that "everyone just wants to be happy" applies to her as well. I can only be responsible for my actions and my thoughts -- and I am uber tired of them being negative. I need to be okay with whatever response they give me, however, and it could range from warm and receptive to thinking I'm crazy (and telling me so) and ignoring them completely. Hell, they might just rip them up -- and I need to be okay with that. Cleaning up my side of the road, so I can continue on the "Road That Has Risen To Meet Me." (clever tie back to the name of my blog, if I must say...)

This all is possible because my relationship with Justin is everything I hoped it would be -- solid. We aren't looking back. We made our choice. Jumped in with both feet. We have taken a crazy path and been through so much, but when I step back and look at it -- it's beautifully flawed and beautifully us. I love that man deeply. And, so do my children. We are one big happy family. And, I am thrilled to grow old with that man.

My patient didn't make it to hospice.
Died this morning...while I was blogging about him.
I don't believe that was coincidence.

I'm feeling very random today...

a very strange mixture of a completely zen-like peaceful feeling to one of wanting to crawl out of my skin and reinvent life, find something, reach deeper, move mountains.

This is when I'm at my best. A definite writing mood...so watch out

I am so fucking satisfied with life.

This weekend was the best. It started early with the boys getting out of school early on Thursday "simply because." Cole had his big birthday night celebration with Grandma. He spent the night with her and got some real one on one time with the only other woman that holds such a huge piece of his heart. That meant that I got Dane all to myself! Justin, Dane and I spent Thursday night with Rick and Cliff. Then Friday morning (Good Friday), we went to The Stations of the Cross - and I took Dane to the Science Museum to see Body Worlds.


Dane marvels at science so this was really a special treat for us. Then we went out to ice cream. Justin picked up Cole and we met at football practice. We had a fantastic dinner. Saturday, Cole won his football game and then we all went to a movie (HOP) and came home a decorated Easter eggs. Sunday morning, we woke up early and celebrated the Easter Bunny coming before we parted...

I worked the last two days. No big deal, right? Well, I love Easter -- not only for what it represents (although how can that be surpassed -- truth be told, I never understood why Christmas trumps Easter, but that's neither here nor there) but because my family gets together, gets outside, swims, laughs and just enjoys life. I couldn't be there this year. HOWEVER (yes, in capital letters) my life was. Crazy how time has a way of allowing healing to occur. Justin took the boys to church with my family and spent the day with them all at my Mom's. I got frequent updates and pictures. It was awesome.

Also, on Sunday -- I had a patient who I have had before -- a previous stroke. On Sunday, he told me he remembered me. I remembered him as well. A proud marine still in spirit though his body was 70 years older than those strong days of youth. He was shocked into silence when I thanked him for his service. (That always amazes me -- THANK YOUR VETERANS!!) On Sunday, he told me that my spirit "transcended an earthly realm" and that he remembered my smile. Another stroke had damaged more of his brain, yet this man, took the time to bless me. When I got to work yesterday, this man was different - non responsive - a STAT CT showed another acute large infarct. In all practicality, he will not be waking up. His family made him DNR - I changed the orders - placed that purple band on his wrist and thanked him for touching my life. Today, he will be going to hospice. sigh

The circle of life.

Being faced with death makes me think. This time, I woke up thinking differently. I can't explain it. Death usually makes me think about what I need to change, what I wish I had or hadn't done in my past and what goals I want to reach in my future. Today -- it had me thinking about NOW. I don't care what happened then (or didn't) and I don't want to predict what might happen in the future. I want to love the life I have right now. I woke up to a beautiful man kissing me goodbye. A man that calls me babygirl and tells me often how much he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. A man that loves my children as if they are his own and they love equally as much. A man that works so hard - not only to help provide - but because that is what is at the core of his being. Dedicated. Hard working. Simple. I got out of bed and looked around at my beautiful (albeit very dirty) house and smiled as I turned on some Christian music. Time to wake up and embrace my life. My walls are full of pictures of life -- smiles -- my children, my family, my love. The floors are beautifully filled with the dirty clothes of those I love the most. The dishes in the sink are there because my family ate dinner together and I decided to let the dishes sit while I played with my family. My dogs' tails are wagging, the fish swimming and tortoise veering out to say good morning...I have money in my bank account, a job I treasure, vacation on the horizon...and most of all...I have me. A brain that works and a heart that loves. And for today, I don't care about anything else.

I am so thankful for the few moments that remind me to be present
I honor the proud lives that I am blessed to be surrounded by
and I will always remember - the marine.

A Mother's Prayer for Her Child....

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey