Dane lost the election -- by 3 measley votes....

He found out yesterday -- I had a bit of a heavy heart all day. Dane is just such a cool kid. He is an old soul. He always has a way of compassion -- knowing how people are feeling and reaching out to them. I will never forget my dark and lonely days...I would try very hard to put on a brave face and bright smile. I never fooled Dane. Out of the blue, he'd give me a big hug and tell me he loves me or he'd simply hold my hand. One night, I was watching TV -- feeling exceptionally vulnerable and hopeless -- and he came up, cuddled under my blanket with me, grabbed my cheeks and said, "you are the best mom in the whole world. You do such a good job." Ugh....tears

So anyway, I worried about his heart all day yesterday. They were at Sunshine's last night but I just had to see him. I went to school to intercept him :) I was talking to Jen (she's married to Sunshine now and is a teacher at the boy's school) and she was nonchalantly telling me how well he handled it. "He's totally OK with it" I think she was saying right as my almost sixth grader came and literally tackled me with a huge bearhug. I grabbed his beautiful face and said, "Hi baby, how are you?" and big tears welled up in his gorgeous dark brown deer in the headlight eyes, "did you hear?"... Jen said, "Oh maybe that's what he needs" and offered an escape into her open and empty classroom (a gracious offer, my heart thanks her). We talked a little about the loss. He WAS okay. It just made him sad. He said it helped that it was so close. He also said, "student council still needs me, so I'll just run for class representative." That's my son. Sigh. I actually congratulated him for losing. Dane has never lost before in his life, yet, he knew this was just a blip on the radar screen. I love his emotion and strength. I love his words, his intentions and his actions. I commended him for holding his head high and looking forward.

This child is amazing. He has the ability to feel the moment, yet see the lesson and the future. And, as bizarre as it sounds, I drove home after a sweet hug and kiss goodbye from both boys -- and asked Jesus to help me be more like my son. I wanna be like Dane. :)

Dane's running for school President....

and I'm so proud of him. I don't care if he wins or if he loses, quite frankly. What I care about is that I have a beautiful child who takes risks and sets goals. Dane was in 3rd grade when he vowed that he would be Treasurer in 4th grade, Vice President in 5th grade and President in 6th. So far, he's accomplished his goal. Now the vote are in the hands of his classmates. Dane admits that this may be the year he loses, but he is ok with it (at this point anyway....) I just have to say -- that I am beyond proud of my 10 year old -- who wrote his own speech and came up with the idea to dress like a Scorpion all on his own. I'm so proud of him for trying.... ...and being so damn cute doing it. :) GO DANE!

I'm finding it very difficult to not be happy or to get the smile off my face....

....there are things to bitch about -- but that certainly isn't one of them!! :)

I feel so complete. I don't know another way to say it. I feel like my dreams have been reached, like I'm on the top of the mountain enjoying the view.

I have struggled so much the last few years -- really 5 years. I think of how far I have come. I was in an unhappy marriage, a stay at home mom then the divorce and betrayal of friends, my dad's death, nursing school....and I kept going forward.

And here I am today. I'm married to the most beautiful man. My children are blessed by having two homes full of love. I'm a nurse. I am able to touch lives daily. My house is beautiful, my heart is huge. I laugh all the time. Smiles come from my core. I have no one to impress -- no one else to be.

Basking in it.....

...finally.

MVI 6369

I'm MARRIED!!!

Justin and I tied the knot this past Saturday the 14th in Mexico!

It was everything I dreamed it would be - and then some. We have been through so very much together - 4 and a half years of laughter and smiles as well as some very difficult times. We've moved 3 times, had holidays and birthdays, celebrations and deaths, struggled through Nursing School, struggled personally and financially, continued to raise 2 beautiful children, added two dogs to the mix, grew independently, meshed together, cried, laughed uncontrollably, rejoiced in successes and loved each other each step along the way.

Life.

We are both taking this vow very seriously and know that life will bring as much sunshine as it does rain. We are committed to ride the waves. Marriage is work - raising a family is more work. We deserve this and so do Dane and Cole.

The ceremony was just us -- we wrote our vows with the boys -- it was very touching. We stood in a family circle. We didn't exactly "elope" - our closest friends and both families (including my ex) knew. We just didn't exactly tell people in time that they would be able to attend. My brother and his partner were there -- and a couple of nearest and dearest. We were barefoot in the sand -- waves blowing our hair, sunglasses on our faces, smiles beaming and tears streaming. Like I said, it was how I ALWAYS wanted to get married.

I have 10 million pictures -- and a video -- that I'll be editing and sharing today. We rented jet skis, took the boys out fishing in the ocean, body surfed, ate at some amazing places, got my hair braided, bought the boys trinkets (and a concrete monkey -- "haven't you always wanted a monkey!?") and took it all in.

I have never been so happy in my entire life.

Wednesday -- happy ^HUMP^ day.....

....the days are dragging by in desperate anticipation for the weekend. I am suppose to work tomorrow and we are headed out of the country Friday - so today is really the last day for me to do anything.

Yet, I feel like cranking Jimmy Buffett, cracking open a beer and playing outside in the beautiful Arizona sunshine with sincere gratitude and happiness.

It's been a long time since I've had this smile...no, not just the outward one that everyone sees -- but the one INSIDE my soul...where I feel absolutely in love with my life and bursting at the heart seams. It's intensely perfect.

I'm also a realist and know it won't last.....

I woke up this morning and this utter calmness and happiness dawned on me. Like I said, it's been YEARS...and oddly enough, I wanted to call Sunshine.

uh.....?

Again, I am not missing him romantically -- but noone from my past, in this world, has ever known me as well. I am so proud of the person I am today. I really really am....and the people who have travelled this incredibly difficult road with me and still remain by my side.. should be too. And, he is. I know it. This morning, I just sort of wanted to talk to an old friend and rehash the BULLSHIT that I caused and went through and celebrate my life today...and my first thought was him.

...but he is not my friend...and certainly not available to reflect with.....

....and that's okay.

So, I journal -- and blog -- and remember a love so very pure and rejoice in a love that has been fought for and earned and is mine today. I am so happy to have had my relationship with Sunshine -- I simply wouldn't be who I am without it -- and that's not even to mention our beautiful children. Because my love for him was real, I am able to 100% love again - to learn the lessons that our love loss taught me - to fight for things, and let other things go. It's not terrible to be divorced. It's not terrible to have loved, and lost. It's TERRIBLE to stop there.

And, I haven't.

I am worth it.

Justin is worth it.

And, however odd it seems, I am thanking Sunshine today for teaching me how to love -- and how to love right.

Have you ever been so excited -- you just want to scream...

...like a kid before Christmas....or, well.....some other major event in your life that you literally are counting down the MINUTES for?????

Ya?

Me too!

I am SO happy this morning...

...it's crazy. Now, I know this high isn't going to last -- it never does -- but I'm going to relish in it's moment. So indulge me.

I finished a most fantabulous book this morning -- Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce by Gabriel Cohen -- I started it the night before last. This spiritual journey I am on has done remarkable things for my inner me. This book is delicious. Anyone who has is going through or has been through a painful divorce/breakup should read it. It's phenomenal and gives simple steps on how to facilitate CHANGE in your thinking. By changing the way you think, your relationship with your ex will change and it will help your next relationship. Sunshine and I have been separated 4 1/2 years and this book still touches a very personal place in my heart (and in my gut.) It's got me thinking -- that is for sure. Buddhism lies in being kind - in thinking compassionately. Everyone wants to be happy, no one wants to suffer. If I can keep that in the forefront of my hardheaded noggin, things would be a lot better.



I am thinking deeply about writing a letter to Sunshine. Apologizing. I know I hurt him incredibly and made him feel like a failure. I hate that I did that to a man I loved more than anything. I will always love him - not in a "I want him back way" - but because we spent 14 years of our lives loving each other and have two beautiful boys together. I also am thinking about writing Sunshine's wife...my former friend...a letter, as well. I want to let her know that I am sorry for the very ugly things I did and said after the split. Trust me, I am not zen-like and bouncing on the clouds here -- I am still deeply hurt and surprised by her choices, but I understand that "everyone just wants to be happy" applies to her as well. I can only be responsible for my actions and my thoughts -- and I am uber tired of them being negative. I need to be okay with whatever response they give me, however, and it could range from warm and receptive to thinking I'm crazy (and telling me so) and ignoring them completely. Hell, they might just rip them up -- and I need to be okay with that. Cleaning up my side of the road, so I can continue on the "Road That Has Risen To Meet Me." (clever tie back to the name of my blog, if I must say...)

This all is possible because my relationship with Justin is everything I hoped it would be -- solid. We aren't looking back. We made our choice. Jumped in with both feet. We have taken a crazy path and been through so much, but when I step back and look at it -- it's beautifully flawed and beautifully us. I love that man deeply. And, so do my children. We are one big happy family. And, I am thrilled to grow old with that man.

My patient didn't make it to hospice.
Died this morning...while I was blogging about him.
I don't believe that was coincidence.

I'm feeling very random today...

a very strange mixture of a completely zen-like peaceful feeling to one of wanting to crawl out of my skin and reinvent life, find something, reach deeper, move mountains.

This is when I'm at my best. A definite writing mood...so watch out

I am so fucking satisfied with life.

This weekend was the best. It started early with the boys getting out of school early on Thursday "simply because." Cole had his big birthday night celebration with Grandma. He spent the night with her and got some real one on one time with the only other woman that holds such a huge piece of his heart. That meant that I got Dane all to myself! Justin, Dane and I spent Thursday night with Rick and Cliff. Then Friday morning (Good Friday), we went to The Stations of the Cross - and I took Dane to the Science Museum to see Body Worlds.


Dane marvels at science so this was really a special treat for us. Then we went out to ice cream. Justin picked up Cole and we met at football practice. We had a fantastic dinner. Saturday, Cole won his football game and then we all went to a movie (HOP) and came home a decorated Easter eggs. Sunday morning, we woke up early and celebrated the Easter Bunny coming before we parted...

I worked the last two days. No big deal, right? Well, I love Easter -- not only for what it represents (although how can that be surpassed -- truth be told, I never understood why Christmas trumps Easter, but that's neither here nor there) but because my family gets together, gets outside, swims, laughs and just enjoys life. I couldn't be there this year. HOWEVER (yes, in capital letters) my life was. Crazy how time has a way of allowing healing to occur. Justin took the boys to church with my family and spent the day with them all at my Mom's. I got frequent updates and pictures. It was awesome.

Also, on Sunday -- I had a patient who I have had before -- a previous stroke. On Sunday, he told me he remembered me. I remembered him as well. A proud marine still in spirit though his body was 70 years older than those strong days of youth. He was shocked into silence when I thanked him for his service. (That always amazes me -- THANK YOUR VETERANS!!) On Sunday, he told me that my spirit "transcended an earthly realm" and that he remembered my smile. Another stroke had damaged more of his brain, yet this man, took the time to bless me. When I got to work yesterday, this man was different - non responsive - a STAT CT showed another acute large infarct. In all practicality, he will not be waking up. His family made him DNR - I changed the orders - placed that purple band on his wrist and thanked him for touching my life. Today, he will be going to hospice. sigh

The circle of life.

Being faced with death makes me think. This time, I woke up thinking differently. I can't explain it. Death usually makes me think about what I need to change, what I wish I had or hadn't done in my past and what goals I want to reach in my future. Today -- it had me thinking about NOW. I don't care what happened then (or didn't) and I don't want to predict what might happen in the future. I want to love the life I have right now. I woke up to a beautiful man kissing me goodbye. A man that calls me babygirl and tells me often how much he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. A man that loves my children as if they are his own and they love equally as much. A man that works so hard - not only to help provide - but because that is what is at the core of his being. Dedicated. Hard working. Simple. I got out of bed and looked around at my beautiful (albeit very dirty) house and smiled as I turned on some Christian music. Time to wake up and embrace my life. My walls are full of pictures of life -- smiles -- my children, my family, my love. The floors are beautifully filled with the dirty clothes of those I love the most. The dishes in the sink are there because my family ate dinner together and I decided to let the dishes sit while I played with my family. My dogs' tails are wagging, the fish swimming and tortoise veering out to say good morning...I have money in my bank account, a job I treasure, vacation on the horizon...and most of all...I have me. A brain that works and a heart that loves. And for today, I don't care about anything else.

I am so thankful for the few moments that remind me to be present
I honor the proud lives that I am blessed to be surrounded by
and I will always remember - the marine.

A Mother's Prayer for Her Child....

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

I hate disappointment....there is no worse feeling in the world...

it's hopeless and helpless...and I can't stand feeling that way. I'm tired of giving the benefit of the doubt to people who truly don't deserve it. Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. The troubling fact with disappointment is that you don't feel that emotion unless you truly care about the situation. And that disappointment stems from the fact that you are walking down a one way street - the other person simply doesn't feel the way that you do.

Family members that let you down.
Friends that aren't honest.
Lies from those you want to trust.
People who walk away when you wish they would stay.

I suppose, there is a bright side -- to be disappointed means that you are willing to take a chance - a leap of faith. I like that we have second chances (or perhaps third, fourth or twentieth!) I certainly am in a relationship that has blossomed due to such a renewal. A blessing. There is just such a beautiful rebirth to forgiveness and fresh starts, isn't there?

But over and over -- the blows continue.
The heartache.
The disappointment.

What is the price that ultimately makes it too expensive to lay it all on the line yet again?

~Deep thoughts by Kristen Kealy

'I Hope You Dance... '

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God."

Today is a "getter' done" kind of day...

I woke up this morning determined to have the day not go to waste. I have to fight back this unending exhaustion and equally determined "blah" mood from ruining my day. I have to clean the house, figure out where we are with money, go see the doctor, make Dane an appt for immunizations and Cole an appointment for his eyes. I want to return clothes, get my car washed and I really want to goto the gym.

Yesterday was my life changing Monday -- see, I've been on the cusp of making some changes in my life. I decided a couple weeks ago that this Monday would be the start. I'm tired of being unhealthy. I need to stop the caffeine (well the majority of it) and eat better. I need to get my thyroid checked and get back on my medication (bad, bad patient.) I need to stop drinking as much and being so lazy.

Justin and I joined a gym on Sunday. He's been twice. I've been zero. (He woke up this morning at 0330 to go before work....yikes. I'm so proud of him and quite frankly, am just as excited for the return of his physique :) hehehe) Now, in my defense, I've worked the last 2 days -- but today -- I have no excuse. It's time to hit the gym -- after my appt for my thyroid checkup, that is. I can do this. I want to do this.

Healthy in body -- healthy in mind.

Focus. I'm an adult. I can make choices that will determine the path of my life. No longer do I plan to sit idly by and roll with the punches. I promise to re-commit to my life, my love, and my children. Focus on family. Love the person in the mirror. Wake up with a smile. Feel at peace with my decisions.

I love me.
I love Justin.
I love Dane.
I love Cole.

Doesn't break down any more simple than that.

Justin. We're not trying to be "perfect"....just trying to "be."

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!

I am not entirely sure why I love March 17 so very much. Sure, I'm of Irish heritage (have the tattoos to prove it!)-- and sure I enjoy green beer perhaps more than most -- but for some reason, it's bigger than that. It's spring time...and people seem to be happier. People emerge from their homes and their jobs ready to laugh. And I love unabridged laughter. This year, March Madness begins as well (I picked Ohio St.,) which I LOVE (I just hope my Cats show up).

I'm off work today (and tomorrow)....today, I need to clean this house, do the laundry and finish my taxes (which I am waiting to hear from Sunshine. In one of his lucid nice moments he had mentioned maybe letting me claim both the boys -- instead of the agreement of just one -- since he didn't work all last year...I haven't heard since though. Side note: is it even legal to claim your children on taxes when you didn't WORK and are WAY BEHIND on child support? ....anyway) I hope I am productive this morning, cause I plan on celebrating later tonight...and laughing...laughing a lot.

March 14 -- sigh.

I wonder if this day will ever pass without me thinking about my wedding day - without me thinking about Joel. 13 years ago today, I married the love of my life. It was a glorious day full of all the people we loved the most. It was a day that culminated the four years we had traveled together and held the promise of a bright future. It was the single happiest day of my life.

-- 13 years ago today.

Clearly, I am no longer in such a love trance and so much time has passed us by. Since that day we moved back to Arizona, had 2 kids, 4 dogs, several houses and got a divorce. We are certainly not the people we were back then. He's gone on to remarry and I've found my own voice again. We don't even get along on most days. Yet, on this date -- March 14 -- I can't help but remember the man that once was my everything and feel a twinge of sadness in the way things turned out. Because of him, I have two beautiful children. Because of him, I know that real love is possible. Because of him, I can't help but think about 13 years ago today.

My beautiful baby boy is 8 years old today and I am the happiest I've been in years...

EIGHT?

Gosh, that makes me.....36.

When did that happen!?!?

Today is a really wonderful day. I woke up to Cole coming into my room at 5:00am (this is my sleepy kid -- NEVER an early riser, either.) We got to lay there and cuddle. I sang him "Happy Birthday" and got tears in my eyes as I told him the story about his first breaths of life in "my world."

Eight years ago today.

It was a terrifying day, really. My pregnancy was riddled with problems. He had a problem with his heart -- they told me had chromosome abnormalities. We had NO IDEA what we were facing when his beautiful face and sweet cry blessed our lives. I will never forget the partnership that had formed with Mr. Sunshine and I, either. The bond of a child is never ending (even when you wish it could be.) But it is what it is...and my beautiful Cole Daniel is EIGHT years old today.

The boys went to school for only half a day -- teacher conferences were today. Mr. Sunshine took Cole out to sushi right after school (his favorite). Dane and I ran out and did some shopping. When he got home, he hugged me long and hard. I waved to Joel and said, "can you believe it's been eight years?" I forget sometimes that Mr. Sunshine's sun has faded and he's gone mute. OH WELL, I shut the door, kissed his stinky sushi filled-boy cheeks and Dane and Cole ran out to jump on the trampoline.

Soon after, they stripped to their boxers...(it's March 10th -- in AZ -- almost 90 degrees) and I pulled out the hose and football. Fun for hours!! (and cheap!)

Tonight we are going to Peter Piper Pizza with the family.
Tomorrow, he is having friends from school spend the night.
For the rest of my days, I will love every morsel on that child's body -- come what may....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOBO!