This time it's for a great reason.....
NOTHING.
Sure, I've done stuff this morning. I've cleaned our hamster, Banana's, cage and our tortoise, Spike's, domain as well and put them out to exercise (yes, I'm serious) I've already done a load of laundry, a few dishes, fed the dogs (and by that I mean that I fed Halo, Piper and Scout -- not Jake -- I'm hoping that was done by his rightful owner this morning already..., hmmm). At quick glance, I've paid a bill and noticed Sunshine still hasn't....I even have come to the realization that school is not meant to begin again for me until October...I will have to wait to be a traitor Sun devil (ick.)
I have enormous things on my agenda (funny ha ha) for my non-working Wednesday. I need new scrubs. I need to go to the grocery store (which means I need to decipher what we are having for dinner.) I'm going to print some new pictures for my amazing black and white frames that beautifully now frame my staircase (thank you, my love). I'm going to clean a bit and study for my EKG test at work tomorrow. I'm going to get bills in order, mail thrown away, and a plan made. Of course none of this is really all that important, but it's my life and my children come home tonight.
I LOVE TODAY.
Tonight -- on the docket -- not a damn thing! Turns out we live in a cauldron of burning lava, so football is canceled due to the heat index (and the fact that we love our children - most of us do, anyway). In lieu of football, FAMILY DINNER! (what to have, what to have....) I can't wait to get those boys home. I treasure my text messages from Dane -- but would LOVE to hear IN PERSON those "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and the brags about what a fucking brilliant student he is (100% on his Social "Studys" test...ay vey, we'll now work on spelling...)
On a serious side note....cause I realize this blog is rather light and meaningless...I do have some friends going through some very difficult times. I realize this. I am not making light of it at all. What I do know...and I know you are reading...is....(what is it?)....tough times don't last...but tough people do. I love you. Know that. In the grand scheme of things, you matter and.... this...well this just doesn't. What I've learned, bloggers, is that in tough times...SIMPLIFY. Get rid of the nonsense and the noise. Our own heads and hearts are our worst enemies...but it can be done. (That is such a phonetically mature statement, my high school English teacher would delight!)
On another note (and to another person's issue, that has made me really think)....uh oh, here it comes...the serious blogger in me.... being a single parent isn't the worst thing in the world. Listen to me people.... and listen to this next proverbial randomness while first appreciating this disclaimer:
OK....that said....I have felt like a leper for being a divorced parent. I have felt like less of a person, ugh, less of a family, because the boys aren't accompanied by "mom and dad." I have felt like people think I am less capable of true love or, really more devastating to my psyche, that I have never loved wholely. I have felt (I just replaced "know" with what my psychologist calls fair words without implication) like people view my home as less fit than that of one with an intact relationship (follow along...an intact MOM/DAD one.) I have witnessed (a true statement, thank you) and felt like my children's friend's parents have less than raving ideas about (fill in the blank) their child with a person that is divorced. I have felt like I was not included in certain events/parties/activities because people were uneasy with my "singleness." I have heard my children (both of them...at 11 and 8) have conversations of such with their friends about having divorced parents, two homes, parents that don't get along, uneasiness, etc. AND IT SUCKS.
THAT is why people turn bitter and hard. It is why people put up rules and boundaries (simply to hide fears, pain and wounds) with everyone they meet from here on out. It's one thing going through devastation. It's another being judged, or, ahhem, feeling judged about it. Shame is the greatest obstacle to healing and accepting life, but it's also what makes it so easy to try to justify or prove something. I tried relentlessly to explain why I couldn't be XYZ....I was working full time while going to school full time, blah blah blah .... I was this. I wasn't this. I didn't have this because of this or that. It's so hard to me still that people think my relationship with Sunshine was something...is something, other than 19 years of a relationship (love, bond, dedication, loyalty, and the struggle for peace.) It's equally hard for me still that people hear that I've been divorced and remarried (whether they know us or not) and feel like view it as less worthy or less fought for and deserved.
It's just so hard to explain to someone who has never been through it. Being on the other side of the mountain (Miley Cyrus' The Climb still makes me bawl, and I ain't ashamed.....I also never say "ain't" but it was deemed acceptable and allowable in this case) I have become SUCH a better person for the shit I've been through. If I never would have struggled with my fertility, I would never understand the longing of a mother's desire. If I never would have miscarried, I never would understand a person's utter pain and disappointment. If I never would have loved and lost, I never would have understood the devastation of a lost dream, nor would I ever have understood the power of a second love. If I never would have been divorced with children, I never would have understood how people's opinions of you change and hurt. If I never would have been financially bankrupt, I never would treasure what I have and the blessings money can't bring. If I never would have been touched by the death of my father, I never would have understood that it literally rocks your foundation and makes you question where you came from, where you're going and what biological traits you carry with you. I can understand. as much as my presence and existence let's me, what people with similar situations are going through. I also know that I love my children completely and that I am a kick ass mom. I smother them with attention and gratitude and they return the favor. I would lay my life down with no questions asked so they wouldn't hurt. And, it just doesn't matter what other people think. Dane. Cole. <---they matter, and they know.
For the things I have not experienced, I can empathize. And, more than that. I WANT TO. I NEVER want people to go through sadness. I've said it a million times and embraced my inner Buddhism budding love...we all crave happiness. But, honey loves, out there in blog land....
WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS NOT YOU.....IT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU....
Be willing to think differently. Simplify. Go to a easy place and be open to a peaceful change. Believe in it. I don't give a rat's ass if you think I'm talking nonsense. Be willing to believe you'll get there (and I get it, you have no idea how) Try to let go of old defenses, and old pain will let go of you. Try to let go of fear (of judgement, the past, the future, love, chance) and fear will walk away from you. Try to let go of cynicism and attack and they will let go of you. (People don't make you feel...you do.) Defenses can't make you happy. Be open to the possibility that THIS BULLSHIT will grace your world (and those you touch) eventually....and you are MORE than your interpretation of your life today. Trust me.
Or...don't.
Either way....
my boys come home today.
NOTHING.
Sure, I've done stuff this morning. I've cleaned our hamster, Banana's, cage and our tortoise, Spike's, domain as well and put them out to exercise (yes, I'm serious) I've already done a load of laundry, a few dishes, fed the dogs (and by that I mean that I fed Halo, Piper and Scout -- not Jake -- I'm hoping that was done by his rightful owner this morning already..., hmmm). At quick glance, I've paid a bill and noticed Sunshine still hasn't....I even have come to the realization that school is not meant to begin again for me until October...I will have to wait to be a traitor Sun devil (ick.)
I have enormous things on my agenda (funny ha ha) for my non-working Wednesday. I need new scrubs. I need to go to the grocery store (which means I need to decipher what we are having for dinner.) I'm going to print some new pictures for my amazing black and white frames that beautifully now frame my staircase (thank you, my love). I'm going to clean a bit and study for my EKG test at work tomorrow. I'm going to get bills in order, mail thrown away, and a plan made. Of course none of this is really all that important, but it's my life and my children come home tonight.
I LOVE TODAY.
Tonight -- on the docket -- not a damn thing! Turns out we live in a cauldron of burning lava, so football is canceled due to the heat index (and the fact that we love our children - most of us do, anyway). In lieu of football, FAMILY DINNER! (what to have, what to have....) I can't wait to get those boys home. I treasure my text messages from Dane -- but would LOVE to hear IN PERSON those "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and the brags about what a fucking brilliant student he is (100% on his Social "Studys" test...ay vey, we'll now work on spelling...)
On a serious side note....cause I realize this blog is rather light and meaningless...I do have some friends going through some very difficult times. I realize this. I am not making light of it at all. What I do know...and I know you are reading...is....(what is it?)....tough times don't last...but tough people do. I love you. Know that. In the grand scheme of things, you matter and.... this...well this just doesn't. What I've learned, bloggers, is that in tough times...SIMPLIFY. Get rid of the nonsense and the noise. Our own heads and hearts are our worst enemies...but it can be done. (That is such a phonetically mature statement, my high school English teacher would delight!)
On another note (and to another person's issue, that has made me really think)....uh oh, here it comes...the serious blogger in me.... being a single parent isn't the worst thing in the world. Listen to me people.... and listen to this next proverbial randomness while first appreciating this disclaimer:
I AM NOT A SINGLE PARENT AND I REALIZE THAT. I have an ex-Sunshine
who is VERY active in my children's universe and with him comes a plethora of
people. I also am very aware that I have my beautiful husband-o'mine (and
with him comes people crawling out of the wood work....damn, Mormon
church...kidding, totally kidding - sorta) I have loyal friends and I have a beautiful and loyal family.
OK....that said....I have felt like a leper for being a divorced parent. I have felt like less of a person, ugh, less of a family, because the boys aren't accompanied by "mom and dad." I have felt like people think I am less capable of true love or, really more devastating to my psyche, that I have never loved wholely. I have felt (I just replaced "know" with what my psychologist calls fair words without implication) like people view my home as less fit than that of one with an intact relationship (follow along...an intact MOM/DAD one.) I have witnessed (a true statement, thank you) and felt like my children's friend's parents have less than raving ideas about (fill in the blank) their child with a person that is divorced. I have felt like I was not included in certain events/parties/activities because people were uneasy with my "singleness." I have heard my children (both of them...at 11 and 8) have conversations of such with their friends about having divorced parents, two homes, parents that don't get along, uneasiness, etc. AND IT SUCKS.
THAT is why people turn bitter and hard. It is why people put up rules and boundaries (simply to hide fears, pain and wounds) with everyone they meet from here on out. It's one thing going through devastation. It's another being judged, or, ahhem, feeling judged about it. Shame is the greatest obstacle to healing and accepting life, but it's also what makes it so easy to try to justify or prove something. I tried relentlessly to explain why I couldn't be XYZ....I was working full time while going to school full time, blah blah blah .... I was this. I wasn't this. I didn't have this because of this or that. It's so hard to me still that people think my relationship with Sunshine was something...is something, other than 19 years of a relationship (love, bond, dedication, loyalty, and the struggle for peace.) It's equally hard for me still that people hear that I've been divorced and remarried (whether they know us or not) and feel like view it as less worthy or less fought for and deserved.
It's just so hard to explain to someone who has never been through it. Being on the other side of the mountain (Miley Cyrus' The Climb still makes me bawl, and I ain't ashamed.....I also never say "ain't" but it was deemed acceptable and allowable in this case) I have become SUCH a better person for the shit I've been through. If I never would have struggled with my fertility, I would never understand the longing of a mother's desire. If I never would have miscarried, I never would understand a person's utter pain and disappointment. If I never would have loved and lost, I never would have understood the devastation of a lost dream, nor would I ever have understood the power of a second love. If I never would have been divorced with children, I never would have understood how people's opinions of you change and hurt. If I never would have been financially bankrupt, I never would treasure what I have and the blessings money can't bring. If I never would have been touched by the death of my father, I never would have understood that it literally rocks your foundation and makes you question where you came from, where you're going and what biological traits you carry with you. I can understand. as much as my presence and existence let's me, what people with similar situations are going through. I also know that I love my children completely and that I am a kick ass mom. I smother them with attention and gratitude and they return the favor. I would lay my life down with no questions asked so they wouldn't hurt. And, it just doesn't matter what other people think. Dane. Cole. <---they matter, and they know.
For the things I have not experienced, I can empathize. And, more than that. I WANT TO. I NEVER want people to go through sadness. I've said it a million times and embraced my inner Buddhism budding love...we all crave happiness. But, honey loves, out there in blog land....
WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS NOT YOU.....IT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU....
Be willing to think differently. Simplify. Go to a easy place and be open to a peaceful change. Believe in it. I don't give a rat's ass if you think I'm talking nonsense. Be willing to believe you'll get there (and I get it, you have no idea how) Try to let go of old defenses, and old pain will let go of you. Try to let go of fear (of judgement, the past, the future, love, chance) and fear will walk away from you. Try to let go of cynicism and attack and they will let go of you. (People don't make you feel...you do.) Defenses can't make you happy. Be open to the possibility that THIS BULLSHIT will grace your world (and those you touch) eventually....and you are MORE than your interpretation of your life today. Trust me.
Or...don't.
Either way....
my boys come home today.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THESE DON'T POST AS ME.... BUT THAT IS ME TOO ABOVE!!! I LOVED THIS. NOT SURE WHO IT IS FOR.. BUT I NEEDED THAT!!! LOVE, DEANNA
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