Day 21: A picture of something you regret

I'm not being silly here, either. This is a very sincere answer. Sure, there are many things I should have done differently; people I wish I didn't hurt. But, truly, my life is my life and I've lived every decision I've made (or done without thinking.) And, you know what? I'm okay. I'm better than okay.... I am happy. I am me.

.....the closest thing I have to regret.....is that my father knew I was getting a divorce when he died. Contrary to what you might think, I don't regret being married, or what led up to me not being married any longer. What I regret is that my dad....the man that means/meant the most to me was disappointed in me. Period. (crap, cue in the tears...again.) In his dying days, he would talk to me about Sunshine. The last few real conversations were about how hurt HE was that we were split. I hate that. I hate that those last days were shaded by my consumption of the devastation of the loss of my marriage and betrayal of my husband with someone I thought was a friend. My dad was a fiercely religious man and believed in the sanctity of marriage just as much. Oh hell, I know he wasn't perfect. He made many mistakes (my mom is the real angel here) but he loved 100%. When you were in his good graces, he never gave up.

He.......saw........me........give........up.

I'd like to think he is with me today....and that he sees that it was all worth it. But in my heart, I know that he would still want Sunshine and I together. He loved our love....and that says something. My dad truly loved us. I sometimes wonder if things would have been different if he lived...not that we would still be married, but I wonder if all the nastiness would have happened. Sunshine respected my Dad...and I sometimes wish that my Dad would smack him upside the head and make him see how truly disgusting and disrespectful some of his choices are. When my Dad died, I lost that. I lost having someone that would really go to bat for me. Plus, Dad knew about Justin, but never got the chance to know him. I know that if he met Justin and gave him a chance, he would love him. Justin is a hard worker. He lays it on the line. There is absolutely nothing that my husband wouldn't do for me....or my children...and my Dad would LOVE and respect that....

sigh...

Aw, it's all for naught (I love that saying!)...it is what it is (I hate that saying!)....

Life goes on.