I have to cheat...first time I've had to during this little picture dealio that I have going on.... so here it is...a picture of people I could never imagine my life without...
My two beautiful children. (Side note: It's "coming-home Wednesday." Sunshine has had them since Friday...so my mamabear emotions are in full swing).
I could never have imagined how much children change your life. I mean, sure, I always knew they would change my sleeping pattern and I would love my kids completely, but I never realized that children actually CHANGE your HEART and your BRAIN.
Everything I do in my life is for them. Every breath I take and turn I take is done with Dane and Cole first and foremost in my thoughts. It's crazy. I take the blessing of being their mom very seriously. I am not the best Mom in the world, but I know that I am a damn good one. How do I know? Because my babies tell me so. My children absolutely know how much their mom loves them and if I fail at EVERYTHING else, I truly believe that is success.
We've been through so much.
Our life with Sunshine was easy. We were good parents. We balanced each other out well. He's strict. I'm not so much. He worked hard and played hard. I stayed home with our boys. I believe that it was the best situation for my young children. I am grateful that I was able to be home with them every minute (and watched my nephews too!) I saw every first smile, roll over (off the couch, oh vey!), word, bite of food, step, boo boo, full blown giggle, puke, potty success, fight, hit, love, and just utter amazement of the world through their beautiful eyes. (Notice I didn't say "sleep" -- they never frickin slept!) We loved them completely. The times before the divorce were tough...on Dane especially. There were a few fights where Dane would yell in the middle of us (Don't leave. Don't call the police. Don't do this or that.) Sweet Jesus, I am sorry for those. When we split....Dane was 6 and Cole was 3. In retrospect, we acted selfishly, yet, there I was, thrust into a hard world. I was a stay at home mom with a choice to make...
Enter nursing school and a full time job....which fucking sucks. Two years of sweat and tears -- mostly on my part, but definitely not spared on my boys. :( It was hard. I was sparse. I did the very best I could.
I did the very best I could.
In tears now....
I understand that "the best I could" was robbery for my children. They missed quality time with me. We were broke and WE were stressed. I wish I hid things better. I went to a parent-teacher conference with my then 2nd grader...his teacher said he's adjusting well...but she did hear how we lost power and had nothing to eat (gasp!) She told me there were resources to help. I left deflated and in tears. I'm a failure. I turned the corner and my two beautiful boys ran and hugged me tight. I'm a success.
...and that's how it was for the next couple years. They inspired me.
I can't tell you enough, oh blogger land of mine, how terrible my depression was and how much my boys literally saved my life. I have vague memories of that time...but the few I have are killers. One night, we were all cuddled up on the couch watching TV (my boys always suffocate me with love...most parents call it "in their space..." I consider it my lifeline)...and the tears started to fall (no idea why...depression...or just crazy me watching TV, take your pick) and Dane kissed my cheek, grabbed my face with both of his hands and looked me straight in the eyes....
"You are a great mom. You are doing a great job."
SNAP!
My two beautiful children. (Side note: It's "coming-home Wednesday." Sunshine has had them since Friday...so my mamabear emotions are in full swing).I could never have imagined how much children change your life. I mean, sure, I always knew they would change my sleeping pattern and I would love my kids completely, but I never realized that children actually CHANGE your HEART and your BRAIN.
Everything I do in my life is for them. Every breath I take and turn I take is done with Dane and Cole first and foremost in my thoughts. It's crazy. I take the blessing of being their mom very seriously. I am not the best Mom in the world, but I know that I am a damn good one. How do I know? Because my babies tell me so. My children absolutely know how much their mom loves them and if I fail at EVERYTHING else, I truly believe that is success.
We've been through so much.
Our life with Sunshine was easy. We were good parents. We balanced each other out well. He's strict. I'm not so much. He worked hard and played hard. I stayed home with our boys. I believe that it was the best situation for my young children. I am grateful that I was able to be home with them every minute (and watched my nephews too!) I saw every first smile, roll over (off the couch, oh vey!), word, bite of food, step, boo boo, full blown giggle, puke, potty success, fight, hit, love, and just utter amazement of the world through their beautiful eyes. (Notice I didn't say "sleep" -- they never frickin slept!) We loved them completely. The times before the divorce were tough...on Dane especially. There were a few fights where Dane would yell in the middle of us (Don't leave. Don't call the police. Don't do this or that.) Sweet Jesus, I am sorry for those. When we split....Dane was 6 and Cole was 3. In retrospect, we acted selfishly, yet, there I was, thrust into a hard world. I was a stay at home mom with a choice to make...
Enter nursing school and a full time job....which fucking sucks. Two years of sweat and tears -- mostly on my part, but definitely not spared on my boys. :( It was hard. I was sparse. I did the very best I could.
I did the very best I could.
In tears now....
I understand that "the best I could" was robbery for my children. They missed quality time with me. We were broke and WE were stressed. I wish I hid things better. I went to a parent-teacher conference with my then 2nd grader...his teacher said he's adjusting well...but she did hear how we lost power and had nothing to eat (gasp!) She told me there were resources to help. I left deflated and in tears. I'm a failure. I turned the corner and my two beautiful boys ran and hugged me tight. I'm a success.
...and that's how it was for the next couple years. They inspired me.
I can't tell you enough, oh blogger land of mine, how terrible my depression was and how much my boys literally saved my life. I have vague memories of that time...but the few I have are killers. One night, we were all cuddled up on the couch watching TV (my boys always suffocate me with love...most parents call it "in their space..." I consider it my lifeline)...and the tears started to fall (no idea why...depression...or just crazy me watching TV, take your pick) and Dane kissed my cheek, grabbed my face with both of his hands and looked me straight in the eyes....
"You are a great mom. You are doing a great job."
SNAP!
Fast forward....nursing school is over... My graduation was probably the peak of the mountain...a beautiful celebration with my children and my family. I conquered so much. Sure, It was the start of a great career, a dream answered...but it also was a proud woman moment of empowerment and self-satisfaction. It was a FUCK YOU to the nay sayers and a FUCK OFF to depression. But more than anything...it gave me the moment, to look in my babies dark brown eyes and say...."WE DID IT!" and see the pride they have in their mom. Finally....
Since then, it's been coasting....beautiful coasting. Picture this fantastic sailboat with my children and myself at the helm....hands up....smiling....sun shining on our happy faces, warmth touching us all...being together...and being happy.They are incredibly smart. They are great students. Straight As and excellent behavior. They are great athletes....champions, actually....and not just in my eyes. But, more than anything...they are incredibly intuitive and kind. They have great friends and are kind to everyone. They aren't afraid to love. They aren't afraid to show emotions. I recently had a friend ask me how to help her children adjust to her divorce like mine have to my divorce....I said "LOVE THEM LIKE CRAZY....'cause that's all I did, and if you get lucky, they will do the rest 'cause that's what Dane and Cole did." PROUD MAMABEAR MOMENT.
We got married this past May...(yes, WE did)...to a man that loves my children almost as much as I do and a man that my children love equally as much. I sometimes feel guilty because it's always "me and my boys." He took a lot on, marrying us. He's not their biological dad...they have a great one. He's more. He's someone they respect and have fun with...He's someone that they go to for advice and help when the "mom and dad" feud gets to be too much (and, uh, the "bird and bees" talk.) They have a special relationship. They are friends...and they love each other. He is proud of them and always front and center at every football game, play, band concert, race, etc...They truly are *his* kids, too. He blesses all of us.... And I will NEVER be selfish with their tender hearts again. We all deserve this.I love you Dane and Cole....with every fiber in my body, every breath in my lungs and every beat in my heart.... and I thank you...for loving me as much. We've proven that will always be there for each other in the tough times, but may we continue to coast!
Life is good.
Nice. Very nice.
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