Well intentions

I have a friend that is battling cancer.  She started a caringbridge site -- thank God, too...cause I stalk her like crazy.  I think about her non-stop and while we are keeping in touch -- I know how sick she is and how crappy she feels.  I am scared that my calls, visits or even emails or texts can get annoying -- after all, I'm just one of me -- and she is a cool ass chick, so I'm sure she's overwhelmed by so many, even if it's well-intentioned.

So this morning, I was was stalking her...and realized that my Dad's site is still viewable.  So I ventured to his last days -- and the tears flowed freely.  Crazy how time makes you forget some of the details.  Plus, I wasn't a nurse yet -- so I didn't realize what all those things meant.  Perhaps that is what they mean by "time heals."  You know...the things said by the well-intentioned?

And, I sit here -- unwilling to let another person in my life pass to such a horrible disease.  My friend is a fighter and was able to remove the cancer before fighting with her life with an almost deadly (though well intentioned) chemotherapy.  My Dad never really had much of a chance and the fight was fast.  I am grateful for his short suffering and would like to think that at that point in my Dad's life (and maybe even in ours) God was, in fact, well intentioned. 

hm

Day 20: Sports

Sports are very important to me.  I love to be active and watch others being active.  It was practically pumping through my veins as a child.  My family is a huge football family.  I have very fond memories of huge (and I mean HUGE) Nebraska Huskers parties.  I always thought my Dad kind of resembled Herby the Husker.  :)

I grew up playing soccer.  In Junior High, I added in basketball and volleyball.  In high school, I started diving.  My boys play sports -- and I love that in addition to being so good at them, they really enjoy them.  Soccer, football and now wrestling takes up a lot of our free time.  I wouldn't want it any other way - it's a great way to grow up and have things in common with your parents/your child.

I have vivid memories around the football fields watching my brothers too. In fact, that is when I became a Packer fan.  My brothers played Pop Warner for "The Packers" -- I was all of  4 or 5 and started my love and loyalty for the green and gold back then.  And, today, my favorite Packer announced he is retiring.  Although that makes me sad, Donald Driver is such a class act.  I couldn't be happier for his loyalty and dedication to the Green Bay Packers -- and for keeping it classy.  (Still question the "Dancing with the Stars" commitment, but hey, he won!  LOL)  Anyway....thanks #80 -- and I, personally, will miss you!

Day 19: Fireworks

When I was growing up, we spent the fourth of July at our cabin in Nebraska.  We had the biggest and best firework shows there...ever.  My parents must have spent a fortune on things that literally went up in smoke in the matter of seconds.  It was there that I learned to light them off, fire them at my brothers and sisters, and heard the BOOM of m80s, 100s and even 1000s.  My Dad delighted in throwing a package of blackcats at our feet during dinner and I often awoke from my nightly slumber to cracks of fireworks and the peaceful smell of smoke bombs.

(I was going to write about how I literally saw and felt fireworks when I first kissed my husband....I mean it -- it was like the stuff cartoons are made of....but I'll refrain... well, sort of.)

Day 18: Wild at Heart

Today is Martin Luther King Day.  I am a big fan of his....and believe in my heart that I would have walked beside him in his plight for equality.  It takes a wild heart, a brave soul, a determined courage, a never ending love and a dream -- we cannot forget the dream.

Some of my favorite quotes from a beautiful man:

Quotes by Martin Luther King, Jr.:
*Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. 

*I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear. 

*Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

*I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

*The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

*A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.

*Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.

*A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.

*An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

*In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

*Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

*Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.

*A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan.
*Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

*We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

*The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.

* A lie cannot live. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Day 17: Graveyard

Of course this reminds me of my Dad.

Back in the day, I was home from college and in the car with my parents, when my Dad told me he wanted to show me something.  We pulled into the cemetary.  "Strange," I thought.  Dad drove around to the back and we all got out of the car.  He came up next to me and said, "I just bought this land for your Mom and I."  "Ew, Dad, this is creepy."  He laughed his silly cackle laugh, put his arm around me, spun me around softly and said, "Look, you can sit here and visit us, and have a perfect view of Camelback Mountain!"  "Ok, great, can we go now?"

And, that's the truth.

So, there lies my Dad...and when I visit, I gaze up to the huge mountain and can almost hear him say, "I told you so."

Always the thinker, that man.

(Here is a picture of me, my brothers, and my baby boy wishing him a Merry Christmas with a bottle of Jack -- you can't see the mountain in this picture though...cause...well, duh!...we're looking at it!)

Day 16: Different World

Day 15: Books

(I actually just got some -- my school books just came in the mail -- here we go again.  boo!)

I am not a huge reader -- I like books that tend to make me better.  I like the books that are more along the self-help type.  I started reading them a very long time ago -- things that make me happy or make me think differently.  After the divorce, I read them more to help me make sense of the struggle I had created and help empower me to take control of my life and create happiness.  In my quest for contentment, I stumbled across Buddism and my reading took off.  There are a lot of awesome books out there about Buddhism.  I've read several.  The Storms Can't Hurt the Sky was an UNBELIEVABLE BOOK that helped me actually start to get along with my ex-husband a bit.  I really should read it again, as we are at odds yet again...as evidenced by the current book on my nightstand...

Day 14: Children

I never had this in mind, on the day you were born,

Hugs and kisses goodbye "til we see you Christmas morn.
You both walked away with a wave and a smile
I closed the door and sighed, then I cried for awhile.

Another year, another holiday, another day of missing you

Divorce robbed us of so much and there's nothing we can do.
Every time you must go, a heaviness fills my heart
And while I know you love your Dad, I hate to be apart.

It's hard that you don't know the calmness of only one home

But comforting to know you can always pick up the phone.
It's hard that you are hustled from one place to another
But comforting to know you are always with your brother.

I'm sorry that we caused this and pray for forgiveness everyday.

And, hope you grow up to see there was just no other way.
We've all moved to happiness now, but it still is just so tough.
Our time together, divided up, never seems to be enough.

But enjoy this time, your first days of Christmas break, too!

Be polite, mind your manners - Santa's still watching you!
Your presents will be waiting, wrapped under our tree.
For us all to unwrap as one big family.

Please know I think of you always, even when you aren't here.

And always with a smile, though sometimes, through a tear.
I am honored to be a Mom and I love you tons and tons
Remember that forever my two most-beautiful sons.

Day 13: Forest

Forest, huh?

• Forest Gump (RUN FOREST RUN!)
• Forest Whitaker  (Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a movie fav!)
• "So your running through a forest"  (moving hands frantically on each side of said person's face)  "running, running, running" and SMACK (hit them in the head)  "You hit a tree."
• "You can't see the forest for the trees"  (I believe I do see the big picture in most circumstances)
• My roommate in college dated a chick who had a son named Forrest.
• Lake Forest -- a college outside of Chicago that I had a conference at when I was working for Lakeland College in Green Bay.
• Rain Forest -- the environment that Cole's Humminfint had to adapt to.

That's about all I got.  Forest.  For rest. Naptime.

Day 12: Celebration

Yesterday was "Welcome Home Wednesday...."  that is always such a celebration day anyway.  But yesterday was particularly fun because Justin and I had plans to surprise the boys with dinner and tickets to a Suns game.We aren't a huge basketball family -- but we do love spending time together.  The boys' faces were priceless.  It made for a pretty late evening, but after tucking them in and them thanking us a million times...it made waking up late for school almost worth it, today.  Whoops!

Day 11: Greed

I struggle with this.  I am not a greedy person, by nature.  I do not covet my neighbor's things.  I do not look at others and wish I had more -- or was more -- or any of that.  So why do I say I struggle with this?

My boys.

I am so greedy for them -- for their time -- and I struggle with having to split their time with Sunshine.  I know that it is unfair -- but I just really wish I didn't have to watch them leave with him - or drop them at his house.  I hate that I have to split holidays with them.  I hate that I don't tuck them in bed each night. I hate that I hear about things that happen after the fact or that they tell me that he won't let them call me.  He is greedy too, it appears, and that angers me.  I sometimes respond with anger, or worse, sarcasm and hatred.  I really do not like myself when I crack.

I try to remember he deserves time with them.  He loves them.  He doesn't like this either -- divorce robs ALL of us.  I try to remind them of that too when they are begging me to ask if they can stay longer or come earlier.  I'm even going to guess that maybe they do that for him too -- to protect our hearts in their own way (12 and 9)...

...they want each of to know how much they love us....both.

And that's certainly not greedy.

That's beautiful.

Day 10: Success

The first thing that came to my mind (well, second...after the S-U-C-C-E-S-S cheer) is this poem by Emerson:

 

It's always been one of my favorites.  It was also the poem that was chosen for the funeral of a very successful man -- one whom I greatly respect. His name was Daniel (Dave) Nusbaum -- and he is my children's paternal great-grandfather (and Cole Daniel's namesake).  Both of Sunshine's grandparents have a special place in my heart.  I loved them.  Grandpa was a real quick wit and had a very funny demeanor.  He also was smart as all get out, but more than that...he held integrity like no one I've seen before or since.  He was raised on a farm and worked hard to graduate from the University of Wisconsin (Madison) and then went on to get his master's degree.  Several business ventures and relationships later found him starting Schreiber's Cheese (while working on his doctorate -- no small feat!)  He loved to learn -- and loved to teach (and the cheese is downright delicious). He wasn't just successful professionally, either.  He was a successful patriarch to a beautiful family.   He was married for 62 years and had eight children, numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren (Dane was his first!) when he died in 2005.  His legacy continues though -- not just in the company he started (a quick google shows that today,  Schrieber's has over 4500 employees, has production facilities spread across Wisconsin, Arizona, Georgia, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Texas, and Utah, as well as in Germany, Mexico, and Brazil, and it runs four distribution centers in the United States which has grossed over 2.2 billion dollars) -- but also with the growth of his family.  Personally, my boys carry the Nusbaum name and I am grateful that Grandpa's blood courses through their veins.  That's true success.

Day 9: Journey

Day 8: Relaxing

It's so important to have down time.  My only trouble is that my mind in relentless.  I wish so much that I had an off switch.  I'm constantly making mental "to do" lists.  There is always something else I should be doing.  Last night, we all had a delicious dinner and then went outside to sit around the fire.  It was about as close to relaxation as I get.  I was so content. 

I think that is what it all boils down to.  I think that I am falling into the rat race of always wanting more.  I hate that.  I have a great job -- and then I think that I have to push myself and think about moving on to a different job.  I have a great education -- and then I think that I have to get more.  I make decent money -- then I buy newer stuff and need more money.   I love my house -- then I think about moving.  (maybe I should have posted this under the "thinking" day)....

but...I don't like that.  In order for me to have a peaceful mind and allow true relaxation,

I have to remind myself to simplify. 

 

I need to be grateful that I have enough. 

 

I am enough.

Day 7 - Sunset

I am more of a sunrise kind of girl, but I do love a good sunset....preferably one where the sun is falling into a vast, beautiful ocean....preferably an ocean with fun, salt-kissed waves that my children are playing in....preferably those children are peacefully getting along so my husband and I can bury our feet in the sand and hold hands, preferably one hand will be intertwined with his while the other  is holding a divine beach cocktail....preferably that cocktail is following a perfect, delicious dinner that has filled my belly.....preferably that belly and my heart will be so full that, with the sleeping of the sun and a rinse off of the saltwater, we can tuck the boys in and sneak off to our bed...preferably that bed will be made up outside under the stars....preferably stars that we make a wish on, cuddle a little, kiss a lot and then sleep the night away....Ahhh, sunsets.

Might be time for another Mexico trip....

Day 6: Reading

I'm not that much of a reader.  I hated it growing up because of school -- being forced to do much of anything was never really by thang.  (and yes, I meant to type THANG...you read that right!)  I remember vividly telling my Language Arts teacher that I would MUCH rather write a book than read one.  I think I BS'd through every single book report.  The ONLY book I read was because Mr. Barber started reading it in class out loud (slightly inappropriate looking back at it, but I so very much enjoyed it) was The Catcher in the Rye.  I've read it several times since and the book constantly morphs for me - always meaning something different.  Now, I still am being semi-forced to read since I'm back in school, so I don't have much time for leisure filled days of reading.  (Yet, somehow I did manage to read the 50 Shades of Grey series....but that is much more about my insatiable sex drive than my ability to read...wait, really, what are we talking about?)

All of that said....my child LOVES to read.  I mean he really really really does.  Sure, it may have been perpetuated by being told to do so for school, but it has taken off.  We are always looking for new suggestions.  He brings his books with him wherever we go.  He reads in the car, in the store, at appointments, in his room, on the couch, on the trampoline ....and sometimes even on his brother. 

Day 5: Frustration

How appropriate.....

I sit here in tears and with high anxiety because...ready for it.... divorce fucking sucks.

...wait....correction...

my ex-sunshine sucks worse.

I'm going to be petty and immature and stupid....deal with it or click that little X in the right corner and disappear.

UGH -- he is such a pain in the ass...seriously. 

Today is my only day with the boys this week....and seriously, it's not cool with me. He has them on Mondays and Tuesdays....and it's his weekend....plus his year for Thanksgiving....blech!   I've called and left him a message...I want to know if I can see the boys on Friday....(I also want to know when he is going to get my f'ing name off that house...it's been years that he said he's working on it....and, seriously, who moves in to your friends house to fuck her husband....wait....sorry....I'm not writing about that)  Thing is...he is trained.  He won't respond to me unless SHE is there....and even his emails are written by her.  I'm okay with that...it's why I divorced the pussy....(yep, I said that...)  He has no manhood...he just follows....which works well in that household (my house, my house) ...cause she is man enough for them both.

I'm super frustrated.

PS.  edited to add that I just talked to him....and he was pleasant...kind, perhaps....and now I feel guilty....I asked about seeing the boys -- he said he'd talk to her (ba dum dum dum)....and I asked about the house which he said he is working on but apparently their credit isn't up to par....I get that....so....well....that's it folks.  14 years of loving that man....20 years knowing him....boils down to... one pleasant conversation.  Maybe we're getting somewhere.

PSS...edited again to add, they decided against it.  Jackholes.

Day 4: Busy

Yes...I am.

Much like you....I'm busy.

I'm a Mom of two beautiful and busy boys, too.  They run me crazy and often leave me exhausted but one hug from them or an "I love you" or a "you're the best" makes it all worth it.  They are the REASON I breathe on this planet - my gift from God, on loan to the universe - created in my body with gifts to share.  I'm blessed to be near them and help guide them as they keep teaching me and keep me grounded.

I'm a Wife of a loyal lover who is busy too.  He is so hard working that he rarely sits still.  Either he's running his shop or helping run our family.  He is ridiculously patriotic and makes me feel safe and secure. He loves me with everything he has -- he makes me laugh and understands me inside and out.  He is a busy dad, too and can be found at the soccer field or football practice or band concerts or bringing our boys to appointments or headed to parent/teacher conferences.  You would never guess they weren't biologically his own.

I'm a Daughter to my marvelous mother who is busy in her own way  She in the sole leader of our great family.  Her strength and love are never ending and her devotion to my dad is the reason I know real true love exists and that I won't except any less.  I am a Daughter to my fabulous father who is surely busy enjoying the ever-after by watching us here on Earth.  He was always busy with work or running to be at my sporting events and loyal to his God -- so much so that I  know he is with God (and with me every Sunday at church).

I am a Sister to two badass brothers and two strong sisters who are all crazy busy with work, kids, and life.  They are not just my siblings but my very best friends.  Johnny has a magnetic pull that draws people in and I always have so much fun with him. Rick is constant - always there and always real. Kerry is my best friend, bar none.  Kelly has been through so much and prevails in her own creative and beautiful way.

I am a Friend to countless fabulous friends and a best friend to one or two and I can tell you -- they are all so damn busy we can't hardly see each other.  They have families and jobs and still have a way to let me know that at the drop of a hat, they will be there for me and we will pick up as if life wasn't so busy.

I am a Nurse to my many perfect patients and to whomever needs my help because I know they are busy with their lives and they need to get back to them.  Our busy time is precious and these patients teach me that we need to get BUSY living cause as the seconds pass, we are actually dying.  It's a reality I am able to see and touch, often.  I am able to spend 13 hours a day with them....with their families and leave the hospital knowing that I have a purpose in the world -- sure it took me 30+ years to realize it, but I'm here now...and it feels good.

I am a Student.  I am a life long learner, it seems to be.  I am currently in school to get another bachelors degree and while it makes me UNBELIEVABLY busy, it's something that drives me to reach another personal goal.  It's the ONE thing that I am doing for myself - knowing it will benefit my family - but really just another way for me to say FUCK OFF to the naysayers.  Sure, I'll have a Devil degree soon -- but I'm always a Wildcat at heart.

I am a Daughter in law and  sister in law to a fabulously friendly family by fate.  We are all so different, and all SO busy, yet I love the Essary's incredibly and finally feel like I am part of an extended family that accepts me and my children as if they have always known and loved us.  I cannot tell you how amazing that feels. 

I am an Aunt to many (many) nice and naughty nieces and nephews...To date, there is Thomas, Keegan, Connor, Kaytlyn, Darryl, Kristyn, Asher, Tatum, Jhayston, Kyra, Jenna, Alaina, Jake, Jerron, Natalie, Nyla, Ty, Sophie, Dylan, Cierra, Louie, Vanessa, Arianna, Emma and Hinkley.  Phew!!!  If I'm not busy with my own children's lives, it's easy to be busy with theirs.

So yes...I'm busy -- and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.