It's early ... and I've already been up for 2 hours.

This time it's for a great reason.....
NOTHING.

Sure, I've done stuff this morning. I've cleaned our hamster, Banana's, cage and our tortoise, Spike's, domain as well and put them out to exercise (yes, I'm serious) I've already done a load of laundry, a few dishes, fed the dogs (and by that I mean that I fed Halo, Piper and Scout -- not Jake -- I'm hoping that was done by his rightful owner this morning already..., hmmm). At quick glance, I've paid a bill and noticed Sunshine still hasn't....I even have come to the realization that school is not meant to begin again for me until October...I will have to wait to be a traitor Sun devil (ick.)

I have enormous things on my agenda (funny ha ha) for my non-working Wednesday. I need new scrubs. I need to go to the grocery store (which means I need to decipher what we are having for dinner.) I'm going to print some new pictures for my amazing black and white frames that beautifully now frame my staircase (thank you, my love). I'm going to clean a bit and study for my EKG test at work tomorrow. I'm going to get bills in order, mail thrown away, and a plan made. Of course none of this is really all that important, but it's my life and my children come home tonight.

I LOVE TODAY.

Tonight -- on the docket -- not a damn thing! Turns out we live in a cauldron of burning lava, so football is canceled due to the heat index (and the fact that we love our children - most of us do, anyway). In lieu of football, FAMILY DINNER! (what to have, what to have....) I can't wait to get those boys home. I treasure my text messages from Dane -- but would LOVE to hear IN PERSON those "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and the brags about what a fucking brilliant student he is (100% on his Social "Studys" test...ay vey, we'll now work on spelling...)

On a serious side note....cause I realize this blog is rather light and meaningless...I do have some friends going through some very difficult times. I realize this. I am not making light of it at all. What I do know...and I know you are reading...is....(what is it?)....tough times don't last...but tough people do. I love you. Know that. In the grand scheme of things, you matter and.... this...well this just doesn't. What I've learned, bloggers, is that in tough times...SIMPLIFY. Get rid of the nonsense and the noise. Our own heads and hearts are our worst enemies...but it can be done. (That is such a phonetically mature statement, my high school English teacher would delight!)

On another note (and to another person's issue, that has made me really think)....uh oh, here it comes...the serious blogger in me.... being a single parent isn't the worst thing in the world. Listen to me people.... and listen to this next proverbial randomness while first appreciating this disclaimer:

I AM NOT A SINGLE PARENT AND I REALIZE THAT. I have an ex-Sunshine
who is VERY active in my children's universe and with him comes a plethora of
people. I also am very aware that I have my beautiful husband-o'mine (and
with him comes people crawling out of the wood work....damn, Mormon
church...kidding, totally kidding - sorta) I have loyal friends and I have a beautiful and loyal family.

OK....that said....I have felt like a leper for being a divorced parent. I have felt like less of a person, ugh, less of a family, because the boys aren't accompanied by "mom and dad." I have felt like people think I am less capable of true love or, really more devastating to my psyche, that I have never loved wholely. I have felt (I just replaced "know" with what my psychologist calls fair words without implication) like people view my home as less fit than that of one with an intact relationship (follow along...an intact MOM/DAD one.) I have witnessed (a true statement, thank you) and felt like my children's friend's parents have less than raving ideas about (fill in the blank) their child with a person that is divorced. I have felt like I was not included in certain events/parties/activities because people were uneasy with my "singleness." I have heard my children (both of them...at 11 and 8) have conversations of such with their friends about having divorced parents, two homes, parents that don't get along, uneasiness, etc. AND IT SUCKS.

THAT is why people turn bitter and hard. It is why people put up rules and boundaries (simply to hide fears, pain and wounds) with everyone they meet from here on out. It's one thing going through devastation. It's another being judged, or, ahhem, feeling judged about it. Shame is the greatest obstacle to healing and accepting life, but it's also what makes it so easy to try to justify or prove something. I tried relentlessly to explain why I couldn't be XYZ....I was working full time while going to school full time, blah blah blah .... I was this. I wasn't this. I didn't have this because of this or that. It's so hard to me still that people think my relationship with Sunshine was something...is something, other than 19 years of a relationship (love, bond, dedication, loyalty, and the struggle for peace.) It's equally hard for me still that people hear that I've been divorced and remarried (whether they know us or not) and feel like view it as less worthy or less fought for and deserved.

It's just so hard to explain to someone who has never been through it. Being on the other side of the mountain (Miley Cyrus' The Climb still makes me bawl, and I ain't ashamed.....I also never say "ain't" but it was deemed acceptable and allowable in this case) I have become SUCH a better person for the shit I've been through. If I never would have struggled with my fertility, I would never understand the longing of a mother's desire. If I never would have miscarried, I never would understand a person's utter pain and disappointment. If I never would have loved and lost, I never would have understood the devastation of a lost dream, nor would I ever have understood the power of a second love. If I never would have been divorced with children, I never would have understood how people's opinions of you change and hurt. If I never would have been financially bankrupt, I never would treasure what I have and the blessings money can't bring. If I never would have been touched by the death of my father, I never would have understood that it literally rocks your foundation and makes you question where you came from, where you're going and what biological traits you carry with you. I can understand. as much as my presence and existence let's me, what people with similar situations are going through. I also know that I love my children completely and that I am a kick ass mom. I smother them with attention and gratitude and they return the favor. I would lay my life down with no questions asked so they wouldn't hurt. And, it just doesn't matter what other people think. Dane. Cole. <---they matter, and they know.

For the things I have not experienced, I can empathize. And, more than that. I WANT TO. I NEVER want people to go through sadness. I've said it a million times and embraced my inner Buddhism budding love...we all crave happiness. But, honey loves, out there in blog land....
WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS NOT YOU.....IT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU....

Be willing to think differently. Simplify. Go to a easy place and be open to a peaceful change. Believe in it. I don't give a rat's ass if you think I'm talking nonsense. Be willing to believe you'll get there (and I get it, you have no idea how) Try to let go of old defenses, and old pain will let go of you. Try to let go of fear (of judgement, the past, the future, love, chance) and fear will walk away from you. Try to let go of cynicism and attack and they will let go of you. (People don't make you feel...you do.) Defenses can't make you happy. Be open to the possibility that THIS BULLSHIT will grace your world (and those you touch) eventually....and you are MORE than your interpretation of your life today. Trust me.

Or...don't.

Either way....

my boys come home today.

Not much really been going on lately - just haven't had anything to write about.

We are just your average busy family, with both of us working, the boys having school, band and football. It seems like we are always running somewhere (and mostly....running out of money.) I'm very blessed to have an average life though. It was Justin's 31st birthday on the 12th. I had planned a surprise skydiving extravaganza -- but it got postponed due to weather. Lightening and rain on an August day in Arizona? Ya, maybe God was telling me to wait. I also successfully passed another August 16 (dad's deathiversary.) This year, I CHOSE to work vs. my normal routine of drinking myself into a silly drunk crying stupor lasting the entire day. It felt good. That said, when I got home, we did go out and partake in some adult beverages, including shots of whiskey and Irish car bombs alongside pitchers of beer, in honor of JFK, Sr. I do miss him terribly, but sitting around the bar table with my husband and two dear friends, I felt really loved and that was nice.

A lot on the horizon, including football, football, football....returning to school....some new roommates and some health issues to battle. Ya know what, though?...it's always something...and for that...I'm grateful.

DKMS - Become a Bone Marrow Donor

CLICK HERE to Become a Bone Marrow Donor

I just registered as a bone marrow donor with DKMS. It's simple (AND FREE) to do. You fill out the online forms and they mail you an envelope with cheek swabs. There are minimal requirements necessary and you remain on the donor list until you are 61. I'm asking you to consider signing up or making a donation as well. Don't be a chicken-shit....you never know when you might need a little help from your friends (or your children might.) Karma....

Having a bad day? Click here! :)

The magic button — Make Everything OK

A joke I heard at work yesterday....

"So an Irishman walks out of a pub....

...hey, it could happen."

Haaaahahaahahhaaaaaa

Deep Breath

I am in the midst of what I like to call a "disagreement" with Sunshine but he says we are in a "fight." There is a huge difference here, blogland. To me, to "fight" would mean that I really honestly think that I am intrinsically right and he is wrong and because of that, I deserve to win. To merely "disagree" means that I am aware that he is going to do whatever the hell he wants regardless of what I say, but I will say it. I do understand that I'll just have to deal with whatever it is and move on, but it's worth it to be my authentic self and speak up for how I see things. I have been "disagreeing" with Sunshine since I was 17 years old....that is N-I-N-E-T-E-E-N years.....

Anyway, I said my piece and have no intention to rehash it here; only to say that this is another beautiful example of human behavior. This is yet another reminder that people change.

Therefore, I took the time to reflect - and truly honor the relationships that I have in my life now. I am a blessed mamabear, undeniably. I am surrounded by such amazing people. My husband is a beautiful person. He has absolutely made me and the boys his life and focus. He loves us completely. Last night we were driving home from dinner and he pulled me over next to him in the truck white trash style. He slid his arm around me as I cuddled into him, resting the back of my head on his shoulder, I reached up and held his hand. I literally felt the weight of the world disappear as I shifted gears so he could keep his hand in mine with his arm around me. Perfect unison -- quiet, just us, clutch/stick shift (LOL) -- It was like we were 16 sneaking the truck out. It was PERFECT and we both said so. Simple. Beautiful. Real.

Having children is the most amazing thing to ever. It is consuming and difficult but it is crazy good too. My boys are so great -- not at all perfect angels - but the look in their eyes when they see me can't be beat. I am their MOM (one and only) and they love me like no other. I can't wait to get the boys back home where they belong -- heck, they can sleep in my bed if they want. I can't wait to pick up their clothes and get smothered. I went and bought stuff for homemade cookies and cleaned up their castle without a bit of moan or groan today. I just want to squeeze every last drop of love and friendship I have out of my heart and give it away....give it away to everyone...those that matter and will treasure it....and those that could care less, or perhaps even don't want it.

See, the trick here is this...life changes (you know the old adage: the only constant is change) and therefore people change as well. Sunshine has changed to a huge degree and so have I. Unfortunately, perhaps, for our children, our changes were in opposite directions. It shouldn't surprise me that we have frequent disagreements I suppose the real challenge is to get him to understand that I am NOT fighting with him. I am absolutely OK with having a different moral fiber than he does. I embrace the fact that we are opposites when it comes to some very important life actions and behaviors. We divorced for a reason and I am thankful daily that I no longer have to bite my tongue or turn my cheek. I have a voice and it's my pleasure and duty to disagree.

There are just those times when the world tries to get you down, but you make a choice to keep your attitude positive. When a struggle to squash you, actually empowers you to savor the good flavor. A day when a negative turns into a positive simply by your adjusted mind frame.

Today is one of those days.

Cool.

I may be a crazy girl....but he loves me! :)

RESTLESS......and I hate it....

I know, I know... I get this way. I just do. I get this way when the boys have been at Sunshine's for the weekend and I begin to miss them fiercely (plus PMS is raging). The pieces of my puzzle are just missing, ya know? Justin is at work and I'm home feeling alone. I've known this restless feeling for a 4+ years now and it hasn't gotten any better. It's especially tough right now because yesterday was the first day of school. Ugh. I saw the boys on Sunday night -- quickly wished them a fantabulous first day of school, hug, kiss, "i love yous" and sent them back into the house. Sunshine's wife sent me a picture (by request) of them in the morning.

They are deliciously handsome and very well taken care of -- but yet, it hurts that it wasn't me taking that picture. And my thoughts turn ugly. It was her. That's my house. And, I grow ashamed of my thoughts. Noone deserves that filth. Afterall, they are happy, beautiful, well adjusted, sweet, smart children who are so very much loved by so very many people.

*THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.*

*Escape the negative.*

I'm so much better than that....

*It's easier to be kind.*

I'm struggling and antsy. I feel a huge need to be needed and wanted, which only makes me feel that I'm not. And, that, my friends, is simply ridiculous. I need to reevaluate. I need to step back and breathe. THIS IS MY LIFE. I need to ride the wave and believe that the serenity will follow. I need to listen to Justin's words and feel the security of his dedication and love. It's my time to trust in our love. It's time to grow up and realize that this soon will pass. The boys will be home tomorrow and attack me with near suffocating adoration.

*Christian music on.*

*Clean up my beautiful home.*

*Rejoice in my alone time.*

*Grow*

Attitude adjusted.

My tarot reading today gave me: Queen of Cups

A woman capable of deep romantic love.
A passionate woman in the creative arts.
A woman who leads first with her heart and then her head.
Love for one's mate and children.
Sense of protectiveness for friends and loved ones.
Dedication.
A woman in search of a long-term commitment.
An attractive woman.
Creative arts and alchemy.
A loyal woman on your side.


Maybe that should be incorporated into my next tattoo...LOVE IT!

By the way: Alchemy: any magical power or process of transmuting a common substance, usually of little value, into a substance of great value

....don't act like you knew that....

It's all about to begin....

Football, that is.....

Conditioning starts for Dane and his Titan team tonight -- and Cole starts on August 1. I love football, I do, but I'm already worried about this season. Dane has been out of any athletic sport for a year now -- which is a long time. Conditioning is tough -- it's hot and miserable. It's also necessary. The kiddo is out of shape and has really got to step up his game. He has forged a very good reputation in football. He's fast, he works hard, and he's got an eye for the holes. Smart kid - smart player. But he's small... and this mamabear worries that my boy will get hurt -- physically OR emotionally. He stresses out about football....he's excited to play though, and I hope that excitement sticks when he's sore, hurting, and (gasp!) maybe even losing.

It's also the time of year when I embrace my football family. Football is pretty consuming. Conditioning has practice running 4x a week...and then regular practice is 3x a week plus the games on Saturday. It's pretty intense. This year will prove to be even more intense with both boys playing tackle fall ball. Cole will play with the Mighty Mites and then Dane's JPW game will follow. That's a lot of field time.

I'm excited though. Justin and I have so much fun watching the boys play, hanging with old friends and meeting new people. (Sometimes, we may be TOO involved -- fond memories of fights in the parking lots and getting ejected ring a bell, ay voy!) Meeting new friends has always been kind of difficult for me. Some people make them easily - Justin is one of those people. I've always been a little jealous of that ease. It does becomes a little easier when you have your children and their sports in common. For example, I met one of my friends when Dane first played for the Titans. It's been 2 years now. She's hilarious and I've fallen in love with her family. They were the only family we invited to share our wedding day in Mexico with us, in fact! I'm grateful for football bringing them in our lives. I get my hair cut by another football mom and feel quite close to several others (coaches too!) It's just an all around win-win for our family....and it's all about to begin again....

GO TITANS!

(Oh and Jesus, please keep my kiddos safe...this mamabearnurse is OFF DUTY!)

A lot of things shock me in this world...

...perhaps it is because I am naive, but I'd like to believe it's because I have an innate nature that truly wants to think that people are truly kind at the core. Afterall, everyone wants the same thing and that is to be happy and not to suffer, right? I do not understand even remotely how diving planes full of hundreds of people into buildings of thousands of people that hurts millions, if not billions, of lives in the name of "religion" can strengthen your cause or make people see things "your way." That is an easy and extreme example, of course, but shocking never the less. Just the other day, I was flipping through the channels on TV and stopped on "Bambi." I don't really remember the movie, other than the disasturous ending (such a great idea for a kid's movie -- insert sarcasm) and I noticed that Bambi is a MALE?! I mean, really!? Why then does the name "Bambi" conjure up an aroma of damp booze, stale mold, cheap perfume, dirty money and a metal pole? Shocking, right!?

Yes, day to day, I am shocked. Mostly, however, it's on a smaller, uh bigger, albeit, different scale.

Human nature.

How do relationships work and fail?
How do people change so drastically or, flip that, how can some people stay the same (*shutter*)?
How does one person find out she has terminal cancer and praise God in laughter for the life she's living and one person tries to take his own life stating that his car broke down, his girlfriend was late and his Mom "just doesn't understand" (simply because she tried to cheer him up.)?
How can people call themselves your friend and then run for the hills, snickering and gossiping along the way, at the first sign of strife?
How can people claim they have religion in their heart, yet turn their back in condemnation, roll their eyes in judgement and feel superior over somebody else?

I'm sure I've been shocked many times in my life -- but I've never noticed it so much since 2007. My divorce. My dad's death. My loss of house, job, money, friends. My mental breakdown. I'd like to attribute it to a personal growth. But I really think it was more of starting over at rock bottom.

Imagine if you will being at the top of a very very tall mountain -- above the clouds. You can see clearly for miles and the air is crisp...You are aware that people know you are up there and you feel that they all want to be by your side. But only you know that you were just placed there by a helicopter....very cool, but you really haven't done a thing to get there. The admiration of many is really a farce in your eyes. It's lonely and you feel like a fake. You know there is a beautiful town that lies below, a warm community, lively artwork and colors, laughter but you can't see past the clouds. You *want* to be below and see below but it's far too scary to climb down. You are going to have to wait to be rescued -- or you will have to fall.

Then change the scenario...you're at the bottom of the same mountain, embracing and living in the world that envelopes you. You know every bit of what got you there....it's your life, your story. There is love and laughter in a quaint town and happy home. You have this fantastic view of this incredible mountain that you treasure. You can see the top, see the clouds scattered in the sky but have no desire to make the climb. "That's for someone else...some other time." You love your life where you are...prime real estate.

**SNAP! Just was in an intense metaphoric daydream!**

Try to keep up, or don't....but it made perfect sense to me....

SHOCKING!

One year ago today, I had just finished taking the NCLEX

I was a bundle of nerves. I was pretty sure I had passed it -- but you just never know until you know for sure. Nursing school is crazy ... I'd like to say it was a little crazier for me, being recently divorced, working full time, school full time, 2 young kids, and struggling in every sense of the word; it all reality, however, it just pain sucks for everyone. I wish I knew why they make it so difficult. It seems they WANT you to fail. Maybe it's because you get those days as a RN when you just want to crawl up and hide away -- maybe, just maybe, all the blood, sweat, tears (and money) that you invest in nursing school will make you think twice....or something like that...anywhich way, I'm glad school is over -- and I'm in the profession that I love so much. I've been working in the hospital 3 1/2 years -- and only the last year has been in the RN role. But I have enjoyed each and every role. I am very thankful for my unit -- I put my time in and they stood beside me...and now, I will repay them with my full attention at work and my very best intention to be the best nurse that I can be. :)

...That said, I should probably round on my patients? no? :)

Carmel Valley, California.....here I come!

Today I am leaving for Robin and Matt's wedding. It is going to be one of my ONLY trips taken without my husband and children. Flying solo. I'm so excited to see Robin. I am beyond thrilled for her and where she is in life today. It's been a long road.

Robin and I met our freshman year at U of A. In fact, to be specific, we met downstairs, in front of Coronado dorm around 3am during a fire alarm. (That was 18 years ago! Holy crap!!) She approached me because she vaguely knew my roommate (and longtime best friend, Rentch) from her sorority and knew we lived on the fourth floor -- the same floor her crush lived on. Rentch had gone home for the semester with spinal meningitis and I had the room to myself. I don't think I ever stayed alone after that night. We hit it off IMMEDIATELY. She's goofy, almost air headed, but magnetic. (And, come to find out, she's fucking brilliant -- like unbelievably smart....) It was like I had known her forever. We stayed up the rest of the night -- laughing and stalking, Mr. Crush. We've been the best of friends ever since.

She is definitely my best friend, today...that isn't related to me, that is. She has always had unwavering support and love for me and my life. She was a huge support to me through college. We lived together and played together. Most of my favorite memories include Robin. Rocky Pointe, Fiji, Hot Damn, Trudy's, Dirt Bags, long talks, cuddling, laughing, 21st birthdays (and 19th, 20th, 22nd, actually! and 30th, too - VEGAS BABY)....and probably one of my most vivid memories ever (you know the kind where you literally can FEEL the way you felt at that moment, smell it, hear it?) was when Joel and I had a HUGE UHAUL packed up with everything we owned (including towing a crashed car) and we were leaving U of A after graduation headed for Green Bay, WI....I was tearful and nervous as we headed out of town, and all the sudden BLAZING up the side of our beast was my most beautiful friend, Robin, in her brand new Infinity G20, waving and honking, blowing us kisses and visibly singing (and knowingly, I 'm sure it was terrible- it was always terrible -- and loud)... as she headed west toward California and we drove on to the midwest. I will NEVER forget it -- and have tears in my eyes typing it! She's been there through the ins and outs of my relationship with Joel as he transitioned from my honey to Mr. Sunshine. We've been together in Arizona, Northern and Southern California, Wisconsin, Vegas, Mexico, Costa Rica and I've followed her as she traveled all over the world. She was my first visitor after Dane was born (in Wisconsin, none the less) and cuddled with Cole in his first weeks of life.

"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going...." She....never....left. While I was busy being a jackass and screwing up my life, she loved me. When everyone else judged and gossiped, she called me and told me she was there. When I was desperately depressed, she called to cheer me up. When I felt the most alone, I picked up the phone and called Robin. Time goes by, but I've NEVER felt separated from her. She may not know it -- but I leaned on her consistent friendship even when I was at my lowest. And, I will NEVER forget it.

And, where I am today!? Married and happy! She was one of the first people I told when Justin and I decided to get married. She was thrilled. Just talking to her made my stomach flip and heart happy. She has a way of making me feel like I am exactly where I need to be. It's uncanny. She sent us our first wedding gift -- a beautifully engraved picture frame set....And, now...it's her wedding weekend. I am SO HONORED to be there for my friend....and just love everything I know about Matt. It's about time someone snatch this beauty up -- and I pray that their lives together be as marvelous as it has been with them single and independent, only blessed 1000x by the combination of their personalities and love. My greatest prayer is that she remains happy and strong. May they lean on each other when times are less than easy and know they have friends and family holding them up...May Jesus bless them with children...May the years be kind to them...May they grow together and remember to honor the small things...May they remember this weekend with power and love and friendship....

Watch out, California -- I'm coming to a wedding sans children and husband....to celebrate my friend in one of the hugest life moments....I can't wait to hug her, and laugh, and be silly....oh, and she's surely gonna sing. Consider this your warning. :)