Deep Breath

I am in the midst of what I like to call a "disagreement" with Sunshine but he says we are in a "fight." There is a huge difference here, blogland. To me, to "fight" would mean that I really honestly think that I am intrinsically right and he is wrong and because of that, I deserve to win. To merely "disagree" means that I am aware that he is going to do whatever the hell he wants regardless of what I say, but I will say it. I do understand that I'll just have to deal with whatever it is and move on, but it's worth it to be my authentic self and speak up for how I see things. I have been "disagreeing" with Sunshine since I was 17 years old....that is N-I-N-E-T-E-E-N years.....

Anyway, I said my piece and have no intention to rehash it here; only to say that this is another beautiful example of human behavior. This is yet another reminder that people change.

Therefore, I took the time to reflect - and truly honor the relationships that I have in my life now. I am a blessed mamabear, undeniably. I am surrounded by such amazing people. My husband is a beautiful person. He has absolutely made me and the boys his life and focus. He loves us completely. Last night we were driving home from dinner and he pulled me over next to him in the truck white trash style. He slid his arm around me as I cuddled into him, resting the back of my head on his shoulder, I reached up and held his hand. I literally felt the weight of the world disappear as I shifted gears so he could keep his hand in mine with his arm around me. Perfect unison -- quiet, just us, clutch/stick shift (LOL) -- It was like we were 16 sneaking the truck out. It was PERFECT and we both said so. Simple. Beautiful. Real.

Having children is the most amazing thing to ever. It is consuming and difficult but it is crazy good too. My boys are so great -- not at all perfect angels - but the look in their eyes when they see me can't be beat. I am their MOM (one and only) and they love me like no other. I can't wait to get the boys back home where they belong -- heck, they can sleep in my bed if they want. I can't wait to pick up their clothes and get smothered. I went and bought stuff for homemade cookies and cleaned up their castle without a bit of moan or groan today. I just want to squeeze every last drop of love and friendship I have out of my heart and give it away....give it away to everyone...those that matter and will treasure it....and those that could care less, or perhaps even don't want it.

See, the trick here is this...life changes (you know the old adage: the only constant is change) and therefore people change as well. Sunshine has changed to a huge degree and so have I. Unfortunately, perhaps, for our children, our changes were in opposite directions. It shouldn't surprise me that we have frequent disagreements I suppose the real challenge is to get him to understand that I am NOT fighting with him. I am absolutely OK with having a different moral fiber than he does. I embrace the fact that we are opposites when it comes to some very important life actions and behaviors. We divorced for a reason and I am thankful daily that I no longer have to bite my tongue or turn my cheek. I have a voice and it's my pleasure and duty to disagree.

There are just those times when the world tries to get you down, but you make a choice to keep your attitude positive. When a struggle to squash you, actually empowers you to savor the good flavor. A day when a negative turns into a positive simply by your adjusted mind frame.

Today is one of those days.

Cool.