Day 14: A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

I have to cheat...first time I've had to during this little picture dealio that I have going on.... so here it is...a picture of people I could never imagine my life without...
My two beautiful children. (Side note: It's "coming-home Wednesday." Sunshine has had them since Friday...so my mamabear emotions are in full swing).

I could never have imagined how much children change your life. I mean, sure, I always knew they would change my sleeping pattern and I would love my kids completely, but I never realized that children actually CHANGE your HEART and your BRAIN.

Everything I do in my life is for them. Every breath I take and turn I take is done with Dane and Cole first and foremost in my thoughts. It's crazy. I take the blessing of being their mom very seriously. I am not the best Mom in the world, but I know that I am a damn good one. How do I know? Because my babies tell me so. My children absolutely know how much their mom loves them and if I fail at EVERYTHING else, I truly believe that is success.

We've been through so much.

Our life with Sunshine was easy. We were good parents. We balanced each other out well. He's strict. I'm not so much. He worked hard and played hard. I stayed home with our boys. I believe that it was the best situation for my young children. I am grateful that I was able to be home with them every minute (and watched my nephews too!) I saw every first smile, roll over (off the couch, oh vey!), word, bite of food, step, boo boo, full blown giggle, puke, potty success, fight, hit, love, and just utter amazement of the world through their beautiful eyes. (Notice I didn't say "sleep" -- they never frickin slept!) We loved them completely. The times before the divorce were tough...on Dane especially. There were a few fights where Dane would yell in the middle of us (Don't leave. Don't call the police. Don't do this or that.) Sweet Jesus, I am sorry for those. When we split....Dane was 6 and Cole was 3. In retrospect, we acted selfishly, yet, there I was, thrust into a hard world. I was a stay at home mom with a choice to make...

Enter nursing school and a full time job....which fucking sucks. Two years of sweat and tears -- mostly on my part, but definitely not spared on my boys. :( It was hard. I was sparse. I did the very best I could.

I did the very best I could.

In tears now....

I understand that "the best I could" was robbery for my children. They missed quality time with me. We were broke and WE were stressed. I wish I hid things better. I went to a parent-teacher conference with my then 2nd grader...his teacher said he's adjusting well...but she did hear how we lost power and had nothing to eat (gasp!) She told me there were resources to help. I left deflated and in tears. I'm a failure. I turned the corner and my two beautiful boys ran and hugged me tight. I'm a success.

...and that's how it was for the next couple years. They inspired me.

I can't tell you enough, oh blogger land of mine, how terrible my depression was and how much my boys literally saved my life. I have vague memories of that time...but the few I have are killers. One night, we were all cuddled up on the couch watching TV (my boys always suffocate me with love...most parents call it "in their space..." I consider it my lifeline)...and the tears started to fall (no idea why...depression...or just crazy me watching TV, take your pick) and Dane kissed my cheek, grabbed my face with both of his hands and looked me straight in the eyes....

"You are a great mom. You are doing a great job."

SNAP!

Fast forward....nursing school is over... My graduation was probably the peak of the mountain...a beautiful celebration with my children and my family. I conquered so much. Sure, It was the start of a great career, a dream answered...but it also was a proud woman moment of empowerment and self-satisfaction. It was a FUCK YOU to the nay sayers and a FUCK OFF to depression. But more than anything...it gave me the moment, to look in my babies dark brown eyes and say...."WE DID IT!" and see the pride they have in their mom. Finally....

Since then, it's been coasting....beautiful coasting. Picture this fantastic sailboat with my children and myself at the helm....hands up....smiling....sun shining on our happy faces, warmth touching us all...being together...and being happy.They are incredibly smart. They are great students. Straight As and excellent behavior. They are great athletes....champions, actually....and not just in my eyes. But, more than anything...they are incredibly intuitive and kind. They have great friends and are kind to everyone. They aren't afraid to love. They aren't afraid to show emotions. I recently had a friend ask me how to help her children adjust to her divorce like mine have to my divorce....I said "LOVE THEM LIKE CRAZY....'cause that's all I did, and if you get lucky, they will do the rest 'cause that's what Dane and Cole did." PROUD MAMABEAR MOMENT.

We got married this past May...(yes, WE did)...to a man that loves my children almost as much as I do and a man that my children love equally as much. I sometimes feel guilty because it's always "me and my boys." He took a lot on, marrying us. He's not their biological dad...they have a great one. He's more. He's someone they respect and have fun with...He's someone that they go to for advice and help when the "mom and dad" feud gets to be too much (and, uh, the "bird and bees" talk.) They have a special relationship. They are friends...and they love each other. He is proud of them and always front and center at every football game, play, band concert, race, etc...They truly are *his* kids, too. He blesses all of us.... And I will NEVER be selfish with their tender hearts again. We all deserve this.

I love you Dane and Cole....with every fiber in my body, every breath in my lungs and every beat in my heart.... and I thank you...for loving me as much. We've proven that will always be there for each other in the tough times, but may we continue to coast!

Life is good.

Day 13- A picture of your favorite band

VAN HALEN!!

And ONLY the old school Van Halen with David Lee Roth at the mic. I just frickin' loved him.

I have distinct memories of performing a swimming pool/dance with my sister that culminated by us jumping one by one off the diving board to "JUMP!"

Memories of concerts galore. My friends and I would "Dance the Night Away." (Still one of my top favorite 5 songs of all time.) Van Halen kind of took over my high school days and when I listen to them now I remember it well. I dreamed to be a "California Girl" while my guy friends lusted over "Hot for the Teacher." Hell, I even lost my virginity to "Running with the Devil" which led me straight into "You really got Me" and "Ain't talkin bout Love." "Dreams" was one of my basketball warm up songs (insert Sammy Hagar.) And let us never forget how badass Eddie was on Eruption and Panama.

Oh the days of Van Halen....think I'll go listen to them now. :)

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Calm yourself...it says "something" not "someone." "Someone" would be very easy....someTHING? Well, I try not to put too much credence in things, so to say I love something? Well, it goes against the grain, however...I do love my Packers.

My love for the Pack started back when I was a wee one. My brothers played for a Pop Warner Packers team. My favorite color was green (still is) and so it just fit. It was one of the things Sunshine and I connected about in college. In our early days he asked if I watched football. Ha. Do I watch football? I told him my favorite college team was Nebraska and my favorite Pro team was Green Bay. He asked if I knew he was from Green Bay. (I did, but I wasn't about to tell him I stalked him before we actually met.) Never the less, we were 100% about one thing. We loved Green Bay football. After we graduated, we moved to Green Bay. We were very spoiled and got to go to all of the games. His grandfather had several tickets in the stadium; his father had a box. We loved it. Green Bay is the most amazing town. People still care about their neighbors. It's small and perfect -- and if I could uproot my family, I'd still be in Green Bay. In fact, if Sunshine said to me that he wanted to move back but couldn't because of the boys -- I'd be first in line to move back...really.

The Pack won the Superbowl the year that we moved there -- and then made it to the dance, but lost the year after. This year, we won again. I was in Vegas with a group that included my love and one of my best friends. It was perfect.

This season, we are sitting at 11-0....I dare say we are Superbowl bound again....Indiana, here we come.

I just love it.

Day 11 -- A Picture of Something You Hate:

I really don't know what it is about the damn snooze button, but it really pisses me the fuck off. I don't use it. I am tempted to say I hate anyone that does. (And my husband does, which is quite possibly the most annoying thing because I don't have to get up AT ALL, yet there I sit....*alarm blaring* snooze...and I sit in awful anticipation knowing I can't go back to sleep yet because in five fucking minutes that damn thing will be BLARING again! UGH! So he gets kicked -- literally -- out of bed by my moaning groaning pissy morning self...) Look, I am not in hatred of the snooze button because I am some "happy go lucky, go and gettem" kind of people...(I am not)....however, nothing bothers me more than interrupted sleep. How do you avoid interrupted sleep? GET UP WHEN YOU WAKE UP...which, cut and dry, means: when the alarm (THAT YOU SET) goes off (AT THE TIME YOU SET IT FOR,) get the hell up and start your day.

Off my soap box....thank you, thank you very much (of cooooourse, that was in my Elvis voice, silly!!!)

Day 10: A picture of a person you do the most crazy/strange things with

Let me introduce you to my husband, Justin. It's pretty safe to say he's also my partner in crime. No one else quite knows what to do with us! :) From the minute we met to this very day, he is who I want by my side. My mother reads my blog -- so I'm going to refrain from a list of crazy/weird things we have done, do and plan on continuing doing. (I'd hate to have anyone blush on our behalf) But it's a fair bet that we will be hand in hand laughing our asses off, having a blast living life and absolutely loving the company for many moons to come.

Day 9 -- A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

This is my sister, Kerry. I absolutely don't know what I would do without her. Let me just say...well...we have always just been close. I remember playing with her as a little girl and thinking the world of her. We use to bed to sleep in the same room together and I'm not ashamed to say that we cuddled. (I won't tell them you were afraid of the dark...and thunderstorms.) As she grew older (I guess I did too, but it didn't feel like it,) she became tired of her little sister following her around everywhere. But, I did anyway (she's part of the reason I'm as persistent as I am today.) She quickly found a best friend in Mary -- and I quickly adopted Mary as my own sister as well. I just loved their friendship (still do!) I have so many memories...it's too hard to pick a few. But I will try. We grew into very different teenagers. I was a freshman when she was a senior. I didn't play volleyball because she was too good. I went my own direction. I still craved her acceptance, but I grew quickly into ditching school and joining a party crowd. She was very vocal about her disapproval. I hated that she didn't like me. Yet there she was, at every game and at diving meets. She was my sponsor when I got confirmed as "John." Mary and Kerry once called me ("their" baby sister) when Kerry drank too much New Years Eve. And then we shared a wine cooler when I graduated, and then we moved on. She went away to U of A. I made her a "goodbye" CD. I don't think I've ever cried so hard when we drove away (well, except when we left her at choir camp when I was in grade school.) I visited often and eventually we picked up where we left off -- me a freshman and she was a senior away at college. She was my sister, my best friend and kind of a mom away from home (that would buy me alcohol.) We had 90210/Melrose nights and sleep overs when the dorm was too much. She rolled her eyes at me when I'd kiss her friends. She disapproved of Sunshine but grew to love him. She cheered me on when I never thought I'd graduate (she didn't think I would either, I've come to find out.) Then she moved to Massachussetts and met the love her life...that I got to disapprove of...yet grow to love. She was at my graduation from U of A and one of the first to visit in Green Bay. We were engaged close to the same time...and front and center at each other's weddings (firewater!) She let me bawl on the phone for hours after the miscarriage and I still have her card saying she hurt too. (And subsequently every lost pregnancy...hers and all of mine...we were back on that damn phone.) We sent pictures of positive pregnancy tests and prayed and hoped together. After I had Dane, she was right there (she just wanted my maternity clothes, I think.) and she helped me move back to AZ (and subsequently move, move, move and move again.) Our families blended. We are both our kids Godmothers -- and our husbands were fast friends. Our kids will forever think "cousins" are just brothers that live a mile or so away. She teaches at my boys school -- (in fact, she has oldest for Social Studies this year.) We would go out all the time -- happy hours -- bunco -- girls trips. Our girlfriends really became "our girlfriends." We would tease how she was solid, stable and virtually boring as hell...and I was crazy, spontaneous and virtually unstable. Tough times hit. Dad died. It was brutally painful for the both of us. A deception of a trusted friend added to the confusion...for both of us. Yet, Kerry was there. I literally lost my world and there she was -- holding me together somehow...crying for me when the tears were dry, laughing at my boogers and panic attacks when they were plentiful. Truth is, we both suffered a divorce when Sunshine and I split. Our families suffered. I lost a lot of respect in her eyes for several years there, but she was consistently there...late night phone calls of late night escapades or sob filled SOS's. She always answers the phone (even if it might cause her a divorce...sorry Trav) She was my cheerleader through nursing school (making me always feel a bit guilty I didn't cheer her on throughout her schooling to get her Masters degree.) And, her husband, well...I've grown to absolutely adore him and hold their relationship and his dedication on a pedestal. He is one of the closest people in my life (even wish there were a couple secrets Kerry could keep.) And her boys are absolutely as much my pride and joy as my own. We attend their football games, and she comes to ours. Our boys do things like student council, running club, talent shows, and beat each other up together. She just makes sense out of things. Happy hours with her are still my favorite. The peace I feel inside knowing she's at the boys school is perfect. Girls weekends (unless she's running over my toes or locking me in the car) are always absoltuely hilarious! Turns out Kerry's a lot like my mom -- strong, faithful...in her relationship and in ours. I just couldn't have made it through all the crap...or had so much fun with all the celebrations!

Kerry Ann Kathleen (so apropo, by the way).... I love you. You are my very very best friend. There is no one that will ever replace you in my life. You are a beautiful person, a trustworthy friend, an awesome mom, a loving wife, a perfect aunt and honestly the best best sister and BFF I could ever ask for.

(now can I please join the pony tail on top of your head and white lipstick club?)

Day eight -- A picture that makes me laugh

I have several actually -- I went searching...I found the one of Dane as a baby -- 10 months maybe, in a cupid pose, bare naked minus the bow and arrow and diaper. (child abuse of sorts)... Or the one of Dane and his team picture for soccer...everyone is cute as pie and there is my child, front and center, with his hand down his pants and playing with, uh, something. (parental abuse, perhaps) Almost picked the one of Rentch, Aki and Jason jumping in the air like penguins but that would take too much explanation....But while looking through them all, I stumbled across this goldmine...


The task at hand -- write your teachers a note for teacher's appreciation.


My first grader -- went at it full steam making every parent proud...then a quick glance at what he was working so hard on and full laughter busts out:


He was meaning to write "Mrs. Benson, I like you as my teacher" but somehow I got a different message! :) And, yes, he redid it and she got both copies...still laughing about it now!

Day 7 - A picture of your most treasured item

Originally when I read this "subject" I rolled my eyes. "Seriously," I thought, "what a lame topic." Here I am...two days later...realizing that this one was actually REALLY cool, albeit, difficult for me to decide upon.

I thought about choosing my wedding ring. A very treasured gift of promise for the future. I thought about perhaps the statue that I bought for myself and one for every member in my family that states "I miss you" after my dad died. I thought about the list my Grandmother wrote out about how to live a good life that is framed in my bedroom. But alas, I chose "pictures."

My life has taken some very strange turns. I had everything, lost it all and climbed my way back to happiness. When times were tough, I lost my home and virtually was "homeless" until my Mom stepped up and said we could move in with her. Thirty some years old and there I was, packing up what I had left, loading up the boys and moving home to Mama. It was then, in the middle of packing and sorting through years of life, I ran across my photo albums. Hours later and in a heap of tears, I realized what was important. If my house burned down -- or in my case, a major downsize occurred, I couldn't care less if I lost everything but I would be DEVASTATED if I lost my pictures.

The boys baby books.
The boys growing up.
My wedding(s)
Nebraska. Arizona. Wisconsin.
The beach trips.
My pregnancies.
Ultrasounds.
Friends weddings.
Costa Rica.
Mexican Cruise.
U of A.
Nursing school graduation.
The boys sports.
Concerts.
Smiles.
Laughter.
Love.

Yep, I could live without pretty much everything except my family and close friends...and pictures of my family and close friends. :)

Day 6 -- A person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Faith Hill....

otherwise known as Tim McGraw's wife...

...no further explanation needed.

Day 5 -- A picture of your favorite memory

This is the river in front of the cabin in Nebraska. A picture, sure, but it is so very much more to me. The Kealy cabin has been in the family for generations. My father grew up there, I grew up there and I long for my children to grow up there too. It is peace and happiness for me. It truly is my happy place.

It is a little run down cabin -- with a screened in porch that goes all the way around the concrete, cracked floor. There is nothing fancy about it. My brothers and sisters and I loved to sleep on cots on that patio. We would wake up to the smell of breakfast being made or deer or wild turkeys spotted. Occassionally the smell of skunk would fill the air (a smell I've come to actually enjoy -- just like smokebombs!) In front of the cabin is the North Platte River. We spent hours building toad forts (we found Squeaky every year) that got destroyed by snakes, building sand castles, catching minnows, setting fish traps (setlines)made delicately with a milk carton or floating down "from the bridge." Kelly broke her collarbone in that river. I got a wasp nest in my bathing suit. We saw all kinds of fish - carp and catfish. We messed with turtle traps and beaver dams. We all burnt to a crisp in that river. Then when we were bored...we'd walk down to the lake, probably getting stickers in our stained blueberry barefeet. It's a lake, but it's private and small, and has been called a pond by those unfamiliar with the love the Kealy's have for it. There we would canoe, fish, go bullfrog hunting, watch turtles heads pop up, and beavers slide across the water (I really use to think that beavers were like 25 feet long.) We would try to catch blue gill fish with our hands to win the $100 prize my dad offered. We would spin the canoes around making yellow submarines (that were never yellow). We would dive off the uber bouncy diving board, slide down the super steep slide or fly into the river off the knotted ropes. We would have endless conversations, pee in the woods (if we got out) pick ticks off the dogs, light huge fireworks (pop bottle rockets and roman candles aimed at each other -- M80s, M100s and especially M1000s made it seem like warfare at times), run from my dad or brother throwing them at us and just love family time. We all learned to drive on the roads there - motorcycles first, then cars. The hidden forties were endless trails to which we memorized the bumps and dips to near perfection. We would scour those trails to find firewood (and avoid the poison ivy)for the huge blazing fire pit later that night. While the smell of campfire filled our nose, the lightening bugs were out in full force (remember pulling off the butts and wearing them as rings?) We'd make smores and sing campfire songs. We sang the state song (I don't know I'll askya!), the bumblebee song, songs about Henry the Eighth (he got married to the widow next door, she'd been married seven times before) and Ooleyohcoocoo Ooleyohcoocoo. We sang Row Row Row your boat in arounds. We perfected My Wild Irish Rose. Man, did we ever sing -- and tried to not catch on fire as my Dad would douse the fire with gasoline, burning everything we could think of. We told stories, we made memories.

So, that's why it is my favorite memory. Times at the cabin. And when I ever need to "goto a happy place" you can bet your bottom dollar, my feet are in the sand at the Kealy Cabin in Nebraska -- and chances are...you are too. :)

Day 4: A picture of your favorite night.

Wow...this is a hard one....

This was when we were in Mexico for our wedding.

Me + my husband + my children + just got married + Rick and Cliff + Mexico + beach + swim up bar.... = perfection.

...best times ever. xoxo

Day 3: A picture of the cast from your favorite show

LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

There is just something about this show that draws me in -- a heroine, perhaps? I love Mariska Hargitay as Olivia Benson... the show has fallen off a bit now that Christopher Meloni's character, Elliott Stabler, is off the show. I have no idea why I think that man is so hot... maybe I really am getting older! :) I really hope he comes back.

Happy Saturday, everyone!

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Let me introduce you to my mother: Kathleen...or as I affectionately refer to her: Mama. Clearly, I have known her the longest and luckily, we have always been pretty close. My mom said I was her easiest pregnancy, busting into the world via c-section on Feb. 28, 1975. I apparently was a pretty easy baby too -- having four older siblings probably helped. I however,was not the easiest teenager or even young adult. She has always been there and I will forever love my mom.

She was a farm girl in Nebraska. She and my father both born there and knew each other their whole lives. They were always together. The cheesy rheteoric about captain of the football team and the cheerleader. Then my dad went away to Notre Dame and my mom went to a private girls Catholic college. They wrote letters -- man, what I would do to get ahold of those. Eventually, they met back up, got married and moved to Arizona. Soon after my brothers were born. She talks about the place they lived in with no air conditioning and how dad was in a fraternity at ASU. I have no idea how she kept it together with two tiny infants. Then came a move back to Nebraska, the rest of us kids and ultimately a move BACK to AZ to stay.

My Mom really is the best. She's a tough cookie and sometimes her advice or stern look still is hard for me. But her love is equally as tough. The coolest part is watching her as a grandma. My children ADORE her. She's goofy and fun. My kids light up when she is around. She is absolutely one of my very best friends and I love her with all of my heart.

Now, move to the east valley, Mom, so we can see ya more!

DAY ONE: A picture of yourself with at least 10 facts

I been blogger-dared to see if I could post 30 days of pictures....I've already been sent the prompts... I can't say I'll post 30 days in a row -- but I can say I'll do my best.



1. My name is Kristen Ruth (after my paternal grandmother whom I never met because she died of a major stroke when my father was only 16.)
2. This picture encompasses several of my greatest loves: feeling peaceful, the ocean, Mexico, a cold beer, flip flops and jeans (and not necessarily in that order)
3. I swam with the dolphins when I was 30 years old. When I opened the gift I cried - big huge alligator tears, only these were beautiful, grateful dolphin tears.
4. I have 2 twin brothers and 2 sisters. I am the baby of the family.
5. My sister is my very best friend
6. My favorite number is 10
7. I have never seen an entire Star Wars, Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings
8. My father died August 16, 2007 -- the single hardest thing I've been through, followed closely by having miscarriages
9. I am a fierce mama bear and I will stomp on anyone who hurts my children -- I feel sorry for their first heart breaker...I'll take no mercy - there will be no survivors.
10. I have 3 dogs (Scout, Piper, Halo), a tortoise (Spike), a hamster (Banana) and several unnamed fish...it's not that they are loved less necessarily, they just don't have names. I gotta get on that.

Welcome back, Wednesday!!!

I am feeling...so good.

I really should just end my blog there and then. (odd saying....but never the less....ahhem, another weird saying....but I digress....)

I am happy, people. Really happy.

I woke up this morning as Justin was continuously snoozing the alarm...and I felt great. Wide awake...the window was open, the sun not yet risen and it was brisk in my room. Yet, I was cozy in my bed next to the man I truly love in our home that I really adore. I have nothing to get out of bed for. And I smiled....

...I tell you....if all those tears and hard times are to thank for leading me here...I welcome the sadness. (Who would've thunk?)

As the sun became brighter, I got out of bed. I petted my three dogs, said hello to the hamster, fish and tortoises and went and laid on the trampoline to finish my book. It's taken me awhile to read my book...(something about working, being a mom and wife and being back in school....) but this morning was deliciously perfect to finish an important book about Buddhism and Christ. Two things of great value in my life.

After I finished, I sat still and listened to the wind blow -- very conscious of my breathing and the weight of my body on the trampoline. In that moment I remembered....

YIPPEE SKIPPY THE BOYS COME HOME TODAY!!!

And in one swoop, I back bended my way up to standing upright and jumped on the trampoline like a little girl with no care in the world....laughing and incredibly silly...

(and, yes...I'll past a drug test.)

it was amazing...

...embracing the day....and my spirit...that stays strong in the difficult times and screams in the now.

HURRY UP DAY AND GET MY FAMILY HOME!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Cole was clearly a vampire -- and a scary, and dead one at that.

Dane decided to be a foodfight -- so cute!

Bring on November!

A spouse that has cheated...

I have a couple friends going through really rough patches in their marriages. Both women are married to men that have cheated on them: One was a one night stand, the other was a full blown affair. They are devastated. They are angry. Everyone is offering all sorts of support that ranges from a room to stay, a hug or a drink to offering to dig the ditch to bury him or kill the bastard themselves. Women are not to be reckoned with -- and when one of our own is suffering, the inner bitch comes out for all to see.

I'm different, perhaps. I'm quietly giving my support and privately crying my own tears. It's hard for me. Truth is, I was the cheating spouse. In the end, I made the choice to stray outside my marriage and ultimately to tell my husband that I had moved on. In the months to follow -- years, really -- I was at the butt end of all the gossip. People were devastated. People were angry. It was my body that was going to be shot and buried in a deep hole. It was me that was the target for everything badly that ever went on in my relationship -- and even things that didn't. Very few people knew the private hell I had been living. Very few people knew the real me....and the real Sunshine. Yet, it was me.

I know now how ridiculous the hatred was and how hurtful the false accusations were, as well. I've grown so much from that point in my life. I know now that our relationship fell apart by things that both of us did. I know now that we both gave up. I know now that I am responsible for the hurts I caused and Sunshine is too. It's inappropriate for me to say anything to my friends at this point supporting the husband...but in so many ways I want to. It's been reeling on my brain, so on my blog, I'm going to write .... from the standpoint of the cheating spouse immediately after the incident, cause I own it... (deep breath.) Remember this is just from my perspective (I'm sure there are real douche bags out there -- but I was not one...)

Your cheating husband/wife loves you. They really do. It doesn't help that you don't think that this is love -- or that "you don't hurt the one's you love"...it's true. They are still as in love with you as they were XX (insert number) years ago when you fell in love and then when you married. In fact, they are still the same person that you married. You may have been able to overlook things before and now they are right smack dab in front of you. They are sorry about that. They are sorry ....so sorry...that you are hurting. They may not seem like it -- in fact, they might seem really happy. It's a joke. They hurt. They are struggling and sad and hate that this is happening. Even if they are still with the person that they cheated on you with, they worry if it's worth it. They worry if it can go anywhere beyond where it is now. They have this horrible pit in their stomach that is making it impossible for them to eat...to sleep....to think about anything... and they deserve it. They know it.

Your cheating husband/wife still loves your family. Your children are absolutely as important to them as they were before the infidelity. They want to KILL THEMSELVES for hurting the children. Even if your kids are little (or adult), they are struggling that they have put them in the category of becoming a "child of divorce" and even worse, that their image of marriage will forever be changed. They hate that they are going to be split between houses -- and that they won't see them 24 hours a day. They hate that one day those kids are going to ask them "why?" "how could you?" and perhaps take your side. They worry that they will be seen as less of a mother/father in the eyes of the kids. They are hurt by the reactions of your friends and family, too. While they know they deserve it to some degree, they wonder why no one asks them why they did it or how they are. You will all find out quickly who your true friends are and it's going to suck, for both of you.

They cry about losses. The loss of the love you once had. The loss of family. The loss of being intact. The loss of friendships. The loss of their reputation. The loss of their home. The loss of the dream. The loss of their own self-respect.

They are very sorry. They are hurt by the things you are saying -- that everyone is saying. Even worse, they are hurt by the looks, whispers, gossip and cruelness that is circling them. They want to scream that this is not out of the blue. They want to say that the relationship has been failing long before this. They want to say all the things that you have done wrong. They want to lash out at things you failed at or bring up past incidents. And, they will. They will because they are dying inside. They are feeling a mix of hatred for themselves, devastation of the betrayal of friends/family/you and a sense of inner pride that tells them to go down swinging. It's survival. It doesn't mean to hurt you further, or even to tarnish your reputation, it is just their way of trying to get through the day to day pain.

For now, it's totally understandable to find your inner bitch -- get angry -- get a lawyer. Freeze your assets. Protect yourself. And, if you decide to go to counseling, put it all on the line. Don't hold back -- say what needs to be said. Jump all the way into the pool... be vulnerable, but you have to be willing to forgive. If you can't, find a different road.

I know that none of this makes sense to you now, but in time, I hope it will. Fact is, if you share children, you will be in their life forever. So eventually, may you lose the anger, for he/she is deeply sorry. May you lose the sadness and find happiness, for they are forever striving to find the same. May you look back at your relationship and remember the good times because there were so many. May you wish them well because the golden rule pertains even in adult hood. May you love your children and try to remember that they love your (ex)spouse too -- watch your words, your actions because your children don't need to feel torn between mom and dad. Eventually, when you start dating again, choose wisely. In time, it will become easier to be in each other's company without crying or wanting to kill each other. But remember in moments of quiet alone time, they still miss what you had -- and perhaps, they miss you a bit too.

But don't expect them to show it.

Writing a million papers for school -- is going to greatly detour my real love of writing thus my blog will suffer.

That bites

the

royal

ding dong.