Do You See This?

Yes,

this is a

Goddess but you are not a goddess,
and you aren’t ever going to be a goddess

so maybe you should just

get used to it.
You’ll never be perfect (sorry) and you’re not worshipped (usually) and
does this matter?

NO
Goddesses are worshipped because they aren’t real and they aren’t us and they aren’t allowed to complain.

Goddesses are worshipped even though (and this is important)

they are really stone and really plaster and, more often than not, really dead.
And yes they will never grow old and they will never grow up and they will stay that way (stay that way, stay that way).

This, however, is not the way you will stay.

Because someday, since you are human you will notice that time has passed and

you are not who you were

twenty years ago

or ten years ago

or even last week.

Someday, since you are human, you will notice your body has changed and your face has changed and your kneecaps
look more like Winston Churchill than ever before.
Do not be Alarmed.
Because someday, since you are human, you will decide it is time to take those long walks and run down those streets and push and bend and move your body in ways you’de never thought possible.

And it may be harder than you think.

And you will get tired and kind of cranky
and you may want to stop.
BUT YOU WON'T

And as you move you will learn to rejoice in your body
because it is yours and no one else’s.
You will learn to rejoice in being imperfect

because perfect is such an complete and utter bore.
You will learn to rejoice in your kneecaps and they have seen the world.
And the goddess, from some high and chilly mountaintop, will be jealous of you.
Let them.
They are stone. You are flesh. They have pedestals.
You just kicked the hell out of yours.
They can’t move.
But you can.
JUST DO IT!

-Nike ad circa 1990s

WHEW! Christmas is over and the New Year is upon us...

Crazy fast year -- Crazy YEAR, in general.

I love this time of year...the hustle and bustle of the holiday and the mounting anticipation of the upcoming year. It usually throws me into nostalgia -- about the year that passed and then, of course, to a more simple time with people I love (several which are gone now -- permanently or figuratively.)

But in this post, I want to write about next year.

1-1-11 will bring a promise of a peaceful year. I pray that my family and friends stay healthy and that worries are few. I tend to dream big and wish large (and those that know me well know I wish OFTEN!!) but for 2011, I want to keep it simple. In order for me to achieve this, I have a few personal goals:

I want my children to be happy and safe. Most of all, I want more smiles than stress and sunshine than strife. I want to start making happy new memories. I want to be able to reflect on 2010 as an unbelievably difficult year that we conquered. My boys need to understand I wouldn't be the PERSON I am without them. I am a mother. I am a nurse. I am a happy, God-loving strong survivor because they gave me reason to be. There is nothing in this world I want more; I want them to know how very special each of them are and how blessed I feel to be their Mom.

I want to be happy and surround myself with happy people. People come into your life for a reason or a season. I am planning on making certain "reason" people, "season" people. I vow to tell my friends and family how much I love and appreciate them. I plan to do right by all of them. Also, to a degree, I have to try and be a little selfish. I need to learn to say "no" and take time for myself, too. I want to focus on having a smile on my face when I go to bed and a thankful prayer in my heart daily.

I want to brush away negativity. For this to be successful, I need to get rid of a lot of the "noise." When reflecting on 2010, most of my tension and tears came in lieu of my ex-husband, aka: Mr. Sunshine. Hear me well, oh blog land of mine, it will be a hope of mine to get along with this man in the year to come. It likely means that I will have to ignore him, but it also means that I will breathe cleaner air. For it has come to my attention, front and center, that he is surrounded by negative thoughts, a lot of ugly people and has a miserable cheap ass dead-beat existence. So, who needs it? (hey, it's still 2010 - I can say that still.)

And, I digress....

Yesterday is over....whew!

It wasn't so bad. I had to be there at 0800. It was at the Doctor's office, which was a nice reprieve from visiting the hospital. Justin took the day off and we nervously waited int he waiting room (where we once giggled in humor and happiness, now we just stared blankly until we heard my name.) I was introduced to the anesthesiologist and his helper bee. He started an IV in my hand in seriously 3 seconds flat (so impressive,) she injected 2 syringes (zofran and ativan) and then Justin was told to wait out in the waiting room. In one swift moment, he kissed 2 of us goodbye in the physical sense hoping one would return. Then, I undressed...my wonderful Doctor came in. We spoke briefly -- she apologized - and then held my hand. It was very appreciated. Next I knew Dr. Anesthesiologist administered the Propofol (my only connection to Michael Jackson) and I awoke with the procedure completed and Justin at my side. My body was once again solely mine.

The day was mostly spent sleeping. We made a big bed out by the TV. We watched a movie. Justin took very good care of me. He made a perfecto dinner (steak and twice baked potato) and we dared not speak a word of the earlier part of the day. Justin even played Santa -- and I am donning a new watch and ring! :) Today, I awake to some pretty uncomfortable cramping and am looking forward to the boys coming home -- and returning to that big family bed. :) Work tomorrow -- then Christmas truly begins....

Moving forward....

who you are - jessie j - lyrics on screen

I am no longer pregnant.......

and you probably didn't even know I was. I'm sorry for that.

Forewarning: This blog sucks. I am extremely sad. No matter how I try to turn the facts, it still sucks and I'm still sad....

This blog is for me. This blog is for Justin. This is all we have left of the baby and all I can do to "remember" him/her.

It all began when I made an appointment to get the Essure (permanent birth control.) I was very happy with my two children. At the time I made the appointment, Justin and I were not quite back together and there was no one else in this world that I would have wanted to have a child with, so it seemed like an appropriate thing to do. After a lot of soul searching, counseling and facing our feelings, we decided to get back together. He didn't want me to do something so permanent and we had some good conversations about it. The truth is, Justin really wants a child of his own -- but he told me that he was happy with Dane and Cole as well. I changed the appointment once so we could be sure and was then instructed to go off the pill. My job finally started to pan out and I was set to start orientation on the day that I had my appt for the Essure. I cancelled the appt. I told the Dr. I was going to go back on the pill. I waited for my period to begin to start my packs -- and it never did.

November 9th:



Absolutely shocked! I felt like I might be pregnant. I had those ligament pulls and tender boobs -- but still, there is nothing quite like finding out for sure. What a range of emotions. This was certainly very different from the other times I was pregnant. I wasn't married. I was actually dating a man that my family didn't approve of. My life was just getting back on track. Justin and I both giggled in nervousness. I could tell he was VERY happy which made me believe everything would be ok.

We ended up telling my family -- which wasn't easy. There were tears and hurt feelings -- and while I understand everyone's trepidation with the relationship Justin and I have, it isn't the way a baby should be introduced into the family. The thing that is GREAT about my family (and friends) is that they love me. And that love we have for each other is greater than anything else. Quickly, everyone began to see the baby for the great things he/she could bring. I had so many hopes and dreams. Maybe this would be my girl. This baby was promise and a new beginning. Sure, I was scared. I was scared of my age (I am going to be 36) and worried about my body. I didn't know how the boys would deal with the news...there were so many unknowns -- but front and center was love and excitement. When the boys found out -- Dane was very excited. He said to Cole, "now you will see what it's like to be the big brother and blamed for everything." LOL -- Cole cried....dramatic..."My whole life is going to change." My baby. Being the baby myself (and enjoying that role,) I can sympathize with him.



The next 6+ weeks were a roller coaster. First they didn't see a baby in the sac. Then the baby wasn't measuring right. HCG quants and ultrasounds weekly -- progress every week. Hope. I figured it was just the way I do pregnancy -- nothing is ever easy. But week after week, the baby was growing, levels increasing. I was throwing up and sleeping a lot. My boobs hurt and I was peeing more than usual. I was getting so healthy too. I just really thought that this baby was going to defy all the nay sayers and be exactly what we needed -- a true blessing from God.

Well yesterday was yet another ultrasound with the fateful words, "there is no heartbeat." What a blow! Holding Justin's hand, I could almost feel the air rush out of us. I wasn't really shocked. It's my body after all -- and things weren't really progressing "normal" but nothing ever prepares you for that news -- when you want that baby so much. I've been through this rigamaroll before -- the conversation with the doctor. The sympathetic eyes, the "I'm sorry's" and all the medical jargon. The baby is gone....and I'm just going thru the motions.

Tuesday, December 21st will be another D&C. The doctor does them in her office (thank god). She wants to know why my body never clues into the fact that the baby has died. My crappy body still thinks it's nurturing a healthy fetus -- no spotting, no cramping. In January, she wants me to do an autoimmune workup. We especially want to do one if we are considering trying for another baby.

...trying for another baby...

sigh.

Today -- I just want the one in my belly. I want this baby, damnit -- with all the trials and tribulations we have gone through already. I am so sad. So angry with my stupid body. Ashamed that I can't do this for Justin. Devastated that I had to explain it to my children. I said the cliche, "God just takes care of it the way he sees fit." and Cole said, "he kills babies?" Oh geez..... Cole cried. Dane thinks. He asks questions. Cole finally said, "so Mom, next time we can all decided to have another baby instead of just you and Justin, right?"

Yes, Bobo.... next time you will know...if there is to be a next time.

For now, I'm going to just be sad. I'm going to just get thru Tuesday and start healing.

Another baby in heaven....

...hope my Dad is enjoying her.

This is the stuff I've been waiting for....

I got off work yesterday and went to meet Justin and the boys at the icecream store. Cole had his chorus concert last night -- and I had to miss it. I was SO happy to see the boys. They were very lovey-dovey which I do enjoy. (It will be a sad day when they outgrow that.) This morning, I woke up first to Justin giving me a kiss goodbye -- and then to Dane crawling in my bed. I LOVE that he is a cuddler -- and an early bird. It gives us time to lay there and talk about life before the chaotic world (and his snoring brother) knows we are awake. And, today is PAYDAY! How silly it is that I enjoy paying bills!?? I suppose after almost a year of not being able to -- it's nice to be on this side of things now. I am being proactive today -- made the dog's vet appts...and am going to call the doctor to ask about removing Cole's wart(ew),laundry, cleaning the house, etc. Then, I have a doctors appt at 1:45. A blog will certainly follow....

Back to sunshine and rainbows...

I am off of work now until Monday! Yeah! We are going Christmas carolling witht the boys tonight. Tomorrow, we have an Essary family Christmas party. Saturday is the Kealy Christmas soup dinner. YEAH!!! I love that night. I love my family. Then Sunday -- house stuff, church and then the boys are spending the night at my sister's so I can goto work without waking them up so early.

We all are smiling....and that stands for something. :)

The New House

Our House

iWebPhoto Free Flash Slideshows

TERRIFIC KID!!

‎"When I was a child, my mother said to me,

'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general.

If you become a monk

you'll end up as the pope.'

Instead I became a painter

and wound up as Picasso."

-- Pablo Picasso

That's the mother I intend to be. A Mother that will instill a sort of self worth and confidence in my beautiful children to have them truly believe what I already know to be true...

THEY CAN BE ANYTHING THEY WISH TO BE AND BE THE BEST POSSIBLE AT IT!

Deeeeeeeep breath......

(now that's off my chest -- on to something better...)

Things are so good and so busy -- life just is, ya know?

Today is a catch up day.

Truth be told, I've been running crazy the last 6 months (actually 4 years.) This morning I woke up and took a deep breath. I'm finally able to sleep. I'm finally able to breathe.

Today my beautiful youngest child will be honored at his school for winning the "Terrific Kid" award -- a distinction given to only 2 kids in the whole grade. I am beyond proud of him. (Dane ironically won the award in first grade - thus, confirming what I already knew to be true -- my kids are simply TERRIFIC!!) I have to be at school at 2. Until then, I'm going to unpack, shop and get my life (and bills) organized!

In other news, Fall football season has come to a close. Dane's team won the state championship!!!! This season was tough for Dane -- mentally and physically. He battled through a period of really painful headaches (we don't know why -scary stuff) and these guys hit hard! Dane is a little guy -- luckily, he has speed, so he does well. The CHAMPIONSHIP game was a real thrill. I was so very proud of my boy! Cole played in the finals, but came up short. He will be moving up to tackle next season -- which is crazy. It will be fun to have him on the Mighty Mites though. I LOVE football. I LOVE the competition. I love the friends I've made and I LOVE to see the boys do something they truly love to do. It's all so much fun. But, it is also very time consuming. Simply trying to coordinate where we have to be and who is picking up who has proven to be very difficult. The whole family sacrifices. Dane had practice MWF and Cole was TTh. My job doesn't make it easy either -- and I find myself depending on my ex-husband (aka: Mr. Sunshine) which is not anything I truly enjoy (but am grateful for his help - if I have to be honest.)

Life is going really well right now -- there is something overly peaceful about being at the helm of your own ship. I love my house and even if it takes me a year to unpack, I'll love every one of the days doing it. The holiday season is always a crazy time of year -- but always filled with love and blessings. This year is quite different from last. I am so grateful for surviving. I have wonderful friends -- some old, many new. I have a perfect job which proves to be both challenging and fun. I have great support in love and life. And finally, instead of looking forward to when X,Y or Z happens,
I
am
truly
happy
in
the
N-O-W.

:-)

Dear Sunshine -- we've been officially divorced 3 years today.

Happy Divorce Anniversary, Asshole.

I know, I know, I should be better than this. But indulge me. I need to vent. It's my blog...

Have I mentioned what a PAIN IN THE ASS being divorced is? I really thought that divorcing the pompous penis would relieve me from his power play. (there are a lot of P's in that sentence! fun!) I look at that man and wonder "WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE DECENT MAN I KNEW?" He's a dirtball. He has filed papers to amend the child support paperwork. It's a joke really. I don't even NEED his money. It's just the principle of it all. I have taken his mistreatment too damn long and now am forced to do something about his dead beat dad status. See, he is behind on child support/alimony - way behind. He's been unemployed for over a year now (well, this doesn't account for the "under the table" BS he pulls...and doesn't claim) I went completely broke as a bat in the last year and NEVER badgered him about it. NOW -- after I start making decent money - and pay for EVERYTHING for the boys (sports, school lunches, clothes, shoes, etc) he starts to come after me!? Living in that house? 2 brand new cars? a Harley? a quad? trips? etc....and he claims he's broke??? I really don't know how he sleeps at night. It makes me SO disgusted. So today, on my lovely day off, I will contact the courts -- and possibly a lawyer and go after his bald, fat loser ass.

Three years divorced - almost four years since we split...and I've never felt more grateful to be out of his grasp than I do today.

Butt-nut.

"The way you know you have found the right one is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with the person. Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." ~Dinah Craik

I am very happy tonight...

I'm at my Mom's house. It's late -- late for me, now a days, anyway. It's pitch dark out there in the house but I'm waiting for the dryer to ding and playing around on the computer. In the background, I can hear snoring -- I'm pretty sure it's coming from Dane in the room next to me -- and my mother in the room across the hall. It's a battle that kind of cracks me up. Poor Cole.

I finished my work week tonight and hurried to pick up the boys. I brought them to dinner and talked about the day then we headed back to my Mom's house. The boys showered and went to bed. My Mom and I had a quick, but very needed and nice talk. There is just something about a mother's hug -- I just "get it" when my boy's hug me so -- because I still "get them" from my own Mother. What a blessing.

Tomorrow brings about a new day. We should find out if we got the house tomorrow...I'm just assuming we did. To think that, in no time at all, I will be back in the east valley makes my heart dance. I love it at my mom's but I want my own house. I want to cook dinner and have the boys have set places to do homework. I am DEAD TIRED of the drive. Every bit of my life is in the East valley -- my kid's school and sports, my love, my sister (and her family), my job, my friends and soon...my house. I can't wait.

Then Cole has his first sleep over that isn't at a family members house. He is BEYOND thrilled. In his absence, Dane is going on a date night with my Mom. He is now equally excited. Good times.

And then it's football Saturday for my Cole and his Ravens team. 2 games. Hopefully a championship win -- and then a football party where the parents are going to show where the kids got their skills in a parents vs. kids flag football game. :-) Dane doesn't play until December 4th -- so NO practice tomorrow. It's a very welcome reprieve (even if I will miss my football family! What will I do when the season ends!!?)

It's all molding together nicely...and I'm loving every step of the way.

*DING* (clothes are done)

Good Night all.

GO TITANS!

Pictures of the Dane's team right after they beat Coolidge: We are headed to state!!! (they are from my friend, Deanna's blog -- you can clearly see her son, Jax, but since Dane is in all the pix too, I stole them - with permission)

At the end of the 27-0 stomping (Dane's in the middle #22):




I LOVE Dane's smile -- barely caught, unknowingly (the best kind) on the right of the picture...


And then one of my personal favorites:

Today finds me in a place of longing yet again...this morning I awoke, tossed and turned due to the million thoughts running through my head and eventually found myself fling off the side of the bed onto my knees to begin praying. It's a familiar place for me. I pray daily -- multiple times daily -- but in desperation, I literally fall to my knees and plead my case. It's slightly pathetic -- I suppose, I know that He will listen regardless of my stature -- however, it feels REALLY real when I pray like I did when I was a little girl.

It began as the same conversation I have daily with Jesus -- then it turned into a full out tearful BEGGING session. I want this. I want this badly. Please Jesus, let this happen. Let it all work out. Show me the way. Open my heart, open my eyes, make me feel your blessings. Let everyone open their hearts. Stop the judgement. Make this work. Make this work. Make this work.

My future....my relationship...my children....the new house....money...my life.

When I crawled back into bed, I took a huge deep breath and wiped away my tears. I realized something...I don't thank Jesus enough. I feel like I'm always in need -- wanting something, praying, wishing, holding out hope that I can somehow PRAY my life into what I want it to be. The thing is, folks, my life is already planned out in God's book. And thus far, He's been right on.

It's been a very trying few years. I've cried and hurt more than I ever thought possible. It seemed that every dream I had about my life was disintegrated in front of my eyes. And, it seemed right when I was coming out of the fog, something kicked me back down. But looking back now, I see blessings everywhere. I've found an inner strength that I had NO IDEA existed. You simply don't know how strong you are until there really is no other choice. I found some really true friends. I said "goodbye" to some very toxic relationships and I learned to fight for others with a tenacity and determination that even surprised myself. I graduated from nursing school, am employed with an excellent hospital, with awesome coworkers, and I get to make a difference one patient at a time. With that, I accomplished the first real dream I ever remember having -- I wanted to be a nurse since I was a little girl. And amidst all the trials and tribulations, I am continuing to raise the most perfect boys. They are still boys -- still play and fight and get dirty and get hurt -- but they are real gentlemen. They are the very best of their father and the very best of me wrapped up in two deliciously beautiful bodies. The best part is -- they both are individually figuring out who they want to be in this world and making good choices to be the men I always hoped they would become. Wow.

So here I sit: yes. There are so many things I want (and Jesus, you heard all about them this morning) but I will now take the time to say, THANK YOU.

Thank you for my life. Thank you for making me feel your presence in my life daily. Thank you for forgiving me and showing me that I can forgive myself. Thank You for loving me enough. Thank You for making me believe that I am worth it. Thank You for giving me the tools to survive and the courage to ask for help. Thank You for my family. Thank You for my relationship. Thank You for my children. Thank You for the blessing of another chance. Thank You. Thank YOU... THANK YOU.

(phew! Now, I ask, please, can we get that house??!!)

:)

BE THE DIFFERENCE YOU WANT TO SEE

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up. As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean. He came closer still and called out, "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?" The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean." "I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man. To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die." Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!" At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

It's another night in hell
Another child won't live to tell
Can you imagine what it's like to starve to death

And as we sit free and well
Another soldier has to yell
Tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath

C'mon now amen, amen, amen

Habitual offenders, scumbag lawyers with agendas
I'll tell you sometimes people I don't know what's worse
Natural disasters or these wolves in sheep clothes pastors
Now God damn it I'm scared to send my children to church
And how can we seek salvation when our nations race relations
Got me feeling guilty of being white
But faith in human nature, our creator and our savior, I'm no saint
But I believe in what is right

C'mon now amen, amen
I said amen, amen

Stop pointing fingers and take some blame,
Pull your future away from the flame
Open up your mind and start to live
Stop short changing your neighbors
Living off hand outs and favors, and maybe
Give a little bit more than you got to give

Simplify, testify, identify, rectify
And if I get high stop being so uptight
It's only human nature and I am not a stranger
So baby won't you stay with me tonight

When a calls away
to break the sound
I'm faden down, I need someone
Oh to be someone
They just sinken down, and holden back
I hold the dawn and run
They don't save a child
Oh, to save a child

It's a matter of salvation from them patience up above,
So don't give up so damn easy on the one you love, one you love
Somewhere you got a brother, sister, friend, grandmother, niece or nephew
Just dying to be with you
You know there's someone out there who unconditionally, religiously, loves you
So just hold on 'cause you know it's true
And if you can take the pain
And you can withstand anything, and one day
Stand hand in hand with the truth

I said amen, I said amen
I said amen, I said amen,

Amen