Monday, October 25, 2010
Yin Yang
An ancient concept and symbol referring to complementary opposites, such as light/dark, day/night, masculine/feminine, sun/moon. Yin is seen as dark, passive and feminine. Yang is seen as light, active, and masculine.
My life is a strange dichotomy. I am sitting here on this beautifully overcast day listening to Christian music. Feeling the Spirit, I am flippin' through Facebook and I just "liked" Eminem. I fucking LOVE Slim Shady!
See what I mean?
And it isn't just that my music taste runs the gamut either....
When I was in high school, I was very active in my church. I was a peer leader in my congregation (got baptized, first communion, confession, and confirmed Catholic.) I was one of two people chosen to represent Catholic youth in Maricopa County as a Diocesan Youth Minister when the Pope came to Phoenix. It was quite an honor. But when the day was done at church, I hurried home, got dressed and went out for the night to drink, smoke pot and have sex. (not exactly written in church doctrines.) At my Confirmation, I stood there in my beautiful white dress before our Bishop and told him my newly confirmed name shall be "John."
I have always been a very social person. I have a lot of friends. I make them easily and they never disappear. At a quick glance, I have 566 friends on facebook (and with the exception of Tim McGraw and George Strait -- I consider them all "friends") Yet, I am happiest and fullest when I am all alone. I enjoy the peace and quiet. I like writing poetry and listening to music. I love to daydream. I crave silence.
Simple breakdowns off the top of my head, as well:
I am a great mother and love them more than anything in the world, but daydream about a different life that finds me as a barefoot, broke bartender in a small beachfront town.
I am ready to move on to the next phase in my life with children that are older, but my heart still longs for another baby.
I don't see the necessity in getting married ever again, but I can't wait to do it, either.
I am fiscally very republican and socially very democratic.
I find black men the most attractive on this planet, however have only fallen in love with 2 white ones.
I love my job but would give anything to stay home.
I am proud of the woman's movement but wonder if we actually made a world that's more difficult for us to succeed.
I value education believing that a college education is a must, but I would swell with pride if my son dropped out of high school and joined the military.
I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman with a perfectly lovely body but then gasp in disbelief when I see the high number on the scale!
And it goes on and on.....
I've been thinking about this a lot as of late. I've been wondering if it means that I don't quite know who I am or who I want to be...but I have come to the conclusion that that's hogwash.
I am me.
There is no one in the world quite like me.
Yin Yang.
Simply complex.
Me.
Friday, October 22, 2010
In hopes of returning to my early blog days...
Back in the day, I would write about 3 things that I was grateful for or appreciated in one way or the other. It was a great way to remember the little things and helped me stay positive. The kind of things that, in the middle of "life," seem to get dismissed. So, just like "Michael Finnigan," I will "begin again...."
1. My boys. Dear sweet chitlins of mine. I have no idea how I created such beautiful perfect creatures (OK, maybe not PERFECT, but close enough) There have been several rough patches in their young lives -- but they grace this world with acceptance and a sort of calm that I imagine only a child can feel. They simply roll with the punches. I am so grateful that they have each other too -- comrades of sorts -- it's a bond that I adore. I got their report cards yesterday. Dane got straight A's (he even got two A+s!!!) The fifth grade curriculum is challenging, but he masters it. Cole's grades are different (not the traditional A,B,C...) but he got perfect grades as well. More importantly, they both got all Es for behavior...that's excellent, people. And these children came out of MY body!? :-)
2. Overcast skies. There is just something about the smell of rain in the air. I woke up this morning and opened up the house. The cool fall air is blowing thru - I am listening to music and simply enjoying the day. I suppose it is because I live in Arizona and don't see the clouds very often. I simply love the smell of desert rain. That, and I look much better in jeans and a hoodie than a bathing suit. :)
3. Paychecks. I know that sounds a bit trite and shallow -- however after years of struggling with money, it's nice to actually see a check worth writing home about. :) I finally have a little wiggle room. I got to take the boys out to dinner last night. It's been a long time coming. That paycheck represents years of hard work and landing a job I love. It also helps me know that it was all worth it. My kids deserve a treat -- and I can give it to them! Me, myself and I. cha-ching!
1. My boys. Dear sweet chitlins of mine. I have no idea how I created such beautiful perfect creatures (OK, maybe not PERFECT, but close enough) There have been several rough patches in their young lives -- but they grace this world with acceptance and a sort of calm that I imagine only a child can feel. They simply roll with the punches. I am so grateful that they have each other too -- comrades of sorts -- it's a bond that I adore. I got their report cards yesterday. Dane got straight A's (he even got two A+s!!!) The fifth grade curriculum is challenging, but he masters it. Cole's grades are different (not the traditional A,B,C...) but he got perfect grades as well. More importantly, they both got all Es for behavior...that's excellent, people. And these children came out of MY body!? :-)
2. Overcast skies. There is just something about the smell of rain in the air. I woke up this morning and opened up the house. The cool fall air is blowing thru - I am listening to music and simply enjoying the day. I suppose it is because I live in Arizona and don't see the clouds very often. I simply love the smell of desert rain. That, and I look much better in jeans and a hoodie than a bathing suit. :)
3. Paychecks. I know that sounds a bit trite and shallow -- however after years of struggling with money, it's nice to actually see a check worth writing home about. :) I finally have a little wiggle room. I got to take the boys out to dinner last night. It's been a long time coming. That paycheck represents years of hard work and landing a job I love. It also helps me know that it was all worth it. My kids deserve a treat -- and I can give it to them! Me, myself and I. cha-ching!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I just started and finished "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper
Apparently, it's a true story of a man who dies and returns to life after such death. I say it like that simply because much like the belief in Jesus Christ that this minister preaches about, you have to have a blind faith in his word. It's an intriguing read though as evidenced by (I guess nursing school care plans never really leave you) my inability to put the book down.
I don't really know what I believe. I suppose I believe in his account -- at least I want to. Piper (not to be confused with my sweet Chihuahua, Piper) had been in a terrible head on collision and was determined to be dead upon the EMTs arrival. It wasn't until 90 minutes later when another preacher friend was praying over the wreckage did Piper begin to pray and sing along. Ya. Uh huh. (Gotta believe) He describes those 90 minutes in heaven at the beginning of the book -- a mere chapter or two -- and the rest is more about his painful recovery and ministry of word and comfort that followed.
Heaven. He describes being surrounded by everyone who ever loved him. They were happy and singing and embracing him with love. He wasn't sad and didn't think about the ones that he had left behind. I hope this is true. I like to think about when my dad passed -- and soon after, when his brother, my uncle, passed. I like to think about them seeing each other -- their father, their mother, their sister and then all of the hundreds of people that passed before them. I suppose it's all because I like to think (and truly believe)that I will see them again, as well. His description of being surrounded by love and beauty is hopeful to me.
I suppose what freaks me out about this book is that I am not where I feel that I need to be on my Christian journey with Jesus Christ. I believe in my own special relationship with Him but I do feel that I need to deepen that relationship. It's been in the back of my mind silently tugging at me for years. I remember back when I was married to Joel that we went on a church hunt. I grew up in a very ritual, formal Catholic church and it didn't reach me and actually offended Joel, so we searched. I've always wanted my children to be raised with faith -- and believe that a foundation has to be laid for children to feel confidant in searching out their own faith. It waxed and wained... sometimes I thought I'd start on fire if I entered a church and other times, I'd attend church several times a week -- as if Sunday couldn't come soon enough. Any which way, my goal is to become spiritually healthy. I long for a relationship with a partner that values such a thing, as well and hopefully my children will remain inspired to learn the Word.
The church I attend now is called Sun Valley Community Church. It's Christian based. I feel very touched every time I attend and both of my children (oldest especially) truly enjoy it as well. At church this past weekend the pastor was talking about traveling down a hard road and simply believing that you have to KEEP GOING. He told the story from Genesis about Joseph. The poor guy was teased by his 11 brothers -- and eventually betrayed and sold into slavery by them. While in slavery, he was falsely accused of rape and imprisoned. Repeatedly, the bible states that "Jesus was by his side." Eventually, Joseph translated some dreams for fellow prisoners (did you just get a bright picture of him in a techno colored robe?) One of which was doom and gloom -- the guy was gonna die -- the other was that the prisoner would be released and work with the Pharaoh. Both accounts proved to be right on. Later the Pharaoh asks Joesph to interpret his dream, which he does correctly about 7 years of feast and 7 years of famine (look it up...it's a long chapter, and football practice is looming...LOL) and Joesph ends up getting released from prison, and becoming the number two most powerful man (next to the Pharaoh.) He always had faith. He always believed that Jesus would take care of him. Yes, Jesus was by his side and he lived a happy, prosperous life interpreting dreams. Interesting.
Sidenote: It was a funny moment when the pastor said "Imagine being in prison after such terrible things and thinking to yourself, 'look dude, if this is what you call being with me -- maybe I don't want your support anymore.' It was funny -- but that is so completely how I have felt on and off the past 3 years. In my lowest moments (and there have been some doozies) I have literally fallen to my knees and begged Jesus to somehow guide me - to help me. In those dark days (weeks, months,)I felt I needed Him desperately. I questioned if He was with me at all or if the Devil was too powerful in my life.
Further in the service, the pastor was talking about how, years ago, he looked out and saw the same woman at church every week. He said he was confused why she left every week early -- half way through his sermon. He wondered if he was losing his ability to reach his congregation. He began to notice that the woman always started to cry right before she left. Eventually, the woman stayed for the entire service and then, one day, approached the pastor after the service. She described her situation - wrought with sadness, condemnation, addiction, fear and loss. She had lost her family, her home and her dreams -- yet she felt that Jesus was still by her side. She returned to church because she felt an "indescribable pull" to attend-- believing that maybe there was a better life for her and her family -- but something in each service made her feel as though she wasn't good enough for Jesus. That is why, in embarrassment and shame, she would leave. Yet day in and day out, she started to feel Jesus and believe he was by her side. She started to see her life turn around slowly for the better. And through the months that followed became a full follower understanding that Jesus loves us -- and already forgives us. It's simple -- we have to be open to his love and forgiveness --it's waiting for us if we accept it.
Sigh. I haven't made it through a service without crying.
That story could one day be my own.
And my spiritual path continues....
I don't really know what I believe. I suppose I believe in his account -- at least I want to. Piper (not to be confused with my sweet Chihuahua, Piper) had been in a terrible head on collision and was determined to be dead upon the EMTs arrival. It wasn't until 90 minutes later when another preacher friend was praying over the wreckage did Piper begin to pray and sing along. Ya. Uh huh. (Gotta believe) He describes those 90 minutes in heaven at the beginning of the book -- a mere chapter or two -- and the rest is more about his painful recovery and ministry of word and comfort that followed.
Heaven. He describes being surrounded by everyone who ever loved him. They were happy and singing and embracing him with love. He wasn't sad and didn't think about the ones that he had left behind. I hope this is true. I like to think about when my dad passed -- and soon after, when his brother, my uncle, passed. I like to think about them seeing each other -- their father, their mother, their sister and then all of the hundreds of people that passed before them. I suppose it's all because I like to think (and truly believe)that I will see them again, as well. His description of being surrounded by love and beauty is hopeful to me.
Everything I experienced was like a first-class buffet for the senses. I had never felt such powerful embraces or feasted my eyes on such beauty. Heaven's light and texture defy earthly eyes or explanation. Warm, radiant light engulfed me. As I looked around, I could hardly grasp the vivid, dazzling colors. Every hue and tone surpassed anything i had ever seen.
I suppose what freaks me out about this book is that I am not where I feel that I need to be on my Christian journey with Jesus Christ. I believe in my own special relationship with Him but I do feel that I need to deepen that relationship. It's been in the back of my mind silently tugging at me for years. I remember back when I was married to Joel that we went on a church hunt. I grew up in a very ritual, formal Catholic church and it didn't reach me and actually offended Joel, so we searched. I've always wanted my children to be raised with faith -- and believe that a foundation has to be laid for children to feel confidant in searching out their own faith. It waxed and wained... sometimes I thought I'd start on fire if I entered a church and other times, I'd attend church several times a week -- as if Sunday couldn't come soon enough. Any which way, my goal is to become spiritually healthy. I long for a relationship with a partner that values such a thing, as well and hopefully my children will remain inspired to learn the Word.
The church I attend now is called Sun Valley Community Church. It's Christian based. I feel very touched every time I attend and both of my children (oldest especially) truly enjoy it as well. At church this past weekend the pastor was talking about traveling down a hard road and simply believing that you have to KEEP GOING. He told the story from Genesis about Joseph. The poor guy was teased by his 11 brothers -- and eventually betrayed and sold into slavery by them. While in slavery, he was falsely accused of rape and imprisoned. Repeatedly, the bible states that "Jesus was by his side." Eventually, Joseph translated some dreams for fellow prisoners (did you just get a bright picture of him in a techno colored robe?) One of which was doom and gloom -- the guy was gonna die -- the other was that the prisoner would be released and work with the Pharaoh. Both accounts proved to be right on. Later the Pharaoh asks Joesph to interpret his dream, which he does correctly about 7 years of feast and 7 years of famine (look it up...it's a long chapter, and football practice is looming...LOL) and Joesph ends up getting released from prison, and becoming the number two most powerful man (next to the Pharaoh.) He always had faith. He always believed that Jesus would take care of him. Yes, Jesus was by his side and he lived a happy, prosperous life interpreting dreams. Interesting.
Sidenote: It was a funny moment when the pastor said "Imagine being in prison after such terrible things and thinking to yourself, 'look dude, if this is what you call being with me -- maybe I don't want your support anymore.' It was funny -- but that is so completely how I have felt on and off the past 3 years. In my lowest moments (and there have been some doozies) I have literally fallen to my knees and begged Jesus to somehow guide me - to help me. In those dark days (weeks, months,)I felt I needed Him desperately. I questioned if He was with me at all or if the Devil was too powerful in my life.
Further in the service, the pastor was talking about how, years ago, he looked out and saw the same woman at church every week. He said he was confused why she left every week early -- half way through his sermon. He wondered if he was losing his ability to reach his congregation. He began to notice that the woman always started to cry right before she left. Eventually, the woman stayed for the entire service and then, one day, approached the pastor after the service. She described her situation - wrought with sadness, condemnation, addiction, fear and loss. She had lost her family, her home and her dreams -- yet she felt that Jesus was still by her side. She returned to church because she felt an "indescribable pull" to attend-- believing that maybe there was a better life for her and her family -- but something in each service made her feel as though she wasn't good enough for Jesus. That is why, in embarrassment and shame, she would leave. Yet day in and day out, she started to feel Jesus and believe he was by her side. She started to see her life turn around slowly for the better. And through the months that followed became a full follower understanding that Jesus loves us -- and already forgives us. It's simple -- we have to be open to his love and forgiveness --it's waiting for us if we accept it.
Sigh. I haven't made it through a service without crying.
That story could one day be my own.
"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you." 1 PETER 5:6-7
And my spiritual path continues....
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
September 28th -- time has been flying by
Here I sit in Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm currently living with my Mom. I thought it was going to be much worse, truth be told, but it is actually quite nice. I really am hardly ever here and she accepts that I'm an adult. I follow her rules and she allows me my space. She is an amazing woman and I am grateful that she opened her home to me and my boys. I like living in the Arcadia area again. The streets bring back such memories even if most of the homes are unrecognizable. I spent my entire childhood riding on these roads, playing in these houses and figuring out who I was going to be in adulthood. It's familiar. TeePee is around the corner. I even hiked Camelback Mountain this morning. I don't plan on staying long around here -- so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.
The move was tough. Packing up my old house brought all sorts of emotions of which I was unprepared. The weeks were dark leading up to the move. I suppose packing was different when I left my last house -- the divorce was final and I was moving on with someone I deeply loved. This time -- there was no divorce (because there was no marriage) and I was alone. I was moving home to mama -- on a weekend when my ex-husband was getting married and I just felt defeated. It was a closure on a piece of my life I wasn't ready to put closure to - to (what I deemed) was going to be the loss of my independence, the acceptance of failure of some sort and the realization that I did not have anyone by my side helping ease the blow. It was lonely...and I've come to find out, I don't deal well with loneliness.
In the month that I have been here -- the smile has returned to my face. I've worked out the kinks with the Arizona State Board of Nursing and officially got an RN position on 7N. I work on the only certified stroke unit in the East Valley. With this position, I will learn how to do CAPD exchanges (dialysis), become certified in stroke care, nuero analysis, EKG, cardiac monitoring, etc. It's a fantastic opportunity and an amazing place to JUMP to other specialties. I am starting to feel like the ED (emergency department) may be the avenue I'll travel. I've been told several times that I have the personality for such a place. We will see -- as I am comfortable on 7N and feel like they are extended family (going on three years there!)
My life is starting to pan out -- there is an end in sight to the bills that piled up in the past few months. My schedule is still incredibly insane, but I actually feel like I have a firm foundation on whether or not I am coming or going. The boys are continuing to excel, both in school and in football. My relationship with Joel still sucks (divorce has NOT made that better) but I'm hoping that when he gets a job(he's been unemployed and NON PAYING all of this year) he will lay off on all the negative comments, looks, emails and texts. I wish him the very best -- I do. He is a good man and deserves to be happy. I've been in counseling all month and it has helped tremendously lay out the priorities in my life and clear the cobwebs in my head. As for my personal life, well...let's just say that I am doing what I feel is right. I am not going to speak about it publicly because I have learned that was a huge mistake in the past. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks anyway (the good, the bad, or the ugly) and gathering all my family and friends opinions only ended up being confusing and hurtful when I didn't do what they wanted and/or they didn't say what jived with my heart. I appreciate my friends and family (and their good intentions,) but I also have been through enough (and heard enough advice) in the past 5 years to last a lifetime. It's my life and I will live it the best way I know how. I know now that the people who love me will be with me though hell and high water, so I finally feel confidant keeping my personal life, well, personal. :-) Let's just say that I haven't felt lonely all month...and have it be known that I am really, truly, happy.
...and it's only going to get better from here. Trust me on that.
The move was tough. Packing up my old house brought all sorts of emotions of which I was unprepared. The weeks were dark leading up to the move. I suppose packing was different when I left my last house -- the divorce was final and I was moving on with someone I deeply loved. This time -- there was no divorce (because there was no marriage) and I was alone. I was moving home to mama -- on a weekend when my ex-husband was getting married and I just felt defeated. It was a closure on a piece of my life I wasn't ready to put closure to - to (what I deemed) was going to be the loss of my independence, the acceptance of failure of some sort and the realization that I did not have anyone by my side helping ease the blow. It was lonely...and I've come to find out, I don't deal well with loneliness.
In the month that I have been here -- the smile has returned to my face. I've worked out the kinks with the Arizona State Board of Nursing and officially got an RN position on 7N. I work on the only certified stroke unit in the East Valley. With this position, I will learn how to do CAPD exchanges (dialysis), become certified in stroke care, nuero analysis, EKG, cardiac monitoring, etc. It's a fantastic opportunity and an amazing place to JUMP to other specialties. I am starting to feel like the ED (emergency department) may be the avenue I'll travel. I've been told several times that I have the personality for such a place. We will see -- as I am comfortable on 7N and feel like they are extended family (going on three years there!)
My life is starting to pan out -- there is an end in sight to the bills that piled up in the past few months. My schedule is still incredibly insane, but I actually feel like I have a firm foundation on whether or not I am coming or going. The boys are continuing to excel, both in school and in football. My relationship with Joel still sucks (divorce has NOT made that better) but I'm hoping that when he gets a job(he's been unemployed and NON PAYING all of this year) he will lay off on all the negative comments, looks, emails and texts. I wish him the very best -- I do. He is a good man and deserves to be happy. I've been in counseling all month and it has helped tremendously lay out the priorities in my life and clear the cobwebs in my head. As for my personal life, well...let's just say that I am doing what I feel is right. I am not going to speak about it publicly because I have learned that was a huge mistake in the past. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks anyway (the good, the bad, or the ugly) and gathering all my family and friends opinions only ended up being confusing and hurtful when I didn't do what they wanted and/or they didn't say what jived with my heart. I appreciate my friends and family (and their good intentions,) but I also have been through enough (and heard enough advice) in the past 5 years to last a lifetime. It's my life and I will live it the best way I know how. I know now that the people who love me will be with me though hell and high water, so I finally feel confidant keeping my personal life, well, personal. :-) Let's just say that I haven't felt lonely all month...and have it be known that I am really, truly, happy.
...and it's only going to get better from here. Trust me on that.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I'm coming back folks....
It's been quite a few weeks -- full of transitions and new beginnings. There was some dark days that included the anniversary of my dad's death (3 years now,) my ex-husband becoming someone else's husband (and more painfully, my children gaining a step-mother,) a move, and loss of certain relationships that I valued. HOWEVER, there has also been great things happening. My life is moving forward. I am taking charge of finding my own ground to stand on which included getting back into counseling. My family has been paramount in facilitating this growth and I will forever be grateful to them and their love. And, on the horizon, I see light. Of course, some days the clouds will roll in -- but I know that they will eventually lead way to the sun.
I'll be back, ladies and gentleman....and the blogging will come at regular intervals.
Yeah!
I'll be back, ladies and gentleman....and the blogging will come at regular intervals.
Yeah!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
My "ideal" man -- created in 8/08 but still very true today...
I think it's kind of funny - so I'll post thinking you may as well. I'm not looking for a full 100% but anything over a 76% is passing in my book. :-) I post this at risk -- cause one day -- I will meet my own Mr. Right and he may either possess all or none of these. Just know that this is all in good fun. :-)
1. Loves me wholely
2. Loves my children/loves his children, if he has them. And if he does, no baby mama drama
3. Respects my parenting
4. Respects my children
5. Accepts my past
6. Actually gets along with Joel to a degree
7. Thinks I'm beautiful
8. Confidant, almost cocky
9. Makes me laugh
10. Sarcastic
11. Loves being in love
12. Slightly Flawed
13. Between 5'8 - 6'2
14. Between 185 - 225
15. Tattoos - several - and not just the barbwire kind and please no fraternity letters
16. Likes a woman (this woman, LOL) with tattoos -- who has plans to keep getting tattoos
17. Gorgeous in a man's man way
18. Good with his hands
19. Handy with cars
20. Can hang up a mean picture frame -- can even take the picture too
21. Handy man in general
22. Stable in his job
23. Possesses insurance of all kinds
24. Thinks about the future
25. Cares about our political future
26. Nonjudgemental but firm in his beliefs
27. Pro Choice -- or at least votes as such
28. Makes more than 45k - enough to take care of himself with room to play (I will handle my own)
29. Loves to pamper his woman
30. Polite -- Courteous
31. Opens doors, says Please and Thank you
32. Knows how to hold a fork (and knows how to tap a keg)
33. Puts his hand on the small of my back when we are walking
34. Looks at me like the whole world has disappeared around us
35. Is proud of me
36. My family loves him, especially my sister/brother in law and mom
37. Owns a Harley or has plans to
38. Loves the beach, especially impromptu trips
39. Drives a jeep, truck or SUV and not a lowered pimped out one
40. College educated or at least can hold his own and speak correctly
41. Parents still married
42. Spiritual but openminded - I'd love a man to will want to goto church with me -- but not the kind that would end our camping trip early to get back to bible study.
43. Openminded in general
44. Drinks alcohol
45. Doesn't smoke
46. Doesn't do drugs
47. Doesn't mind getting dirty -- but cleans up deliciously
48. Has brothers and sisters
49. Loves kids - mine, his, hers, theirs
50. Loves being on the water
51. Owns a boat or plans on partaking in water adventures (tubing, going to the lake, ocean, pool, hose in the backyard. LOL)
52. Rather have him bald than have long hair
53. Doesn't have a hairy back or butt -- or fixes that shit
54. Has a few close knit friends that accept me
55. Appreciates my independence
56. Appreciates my need for affection
57. Appreciates my need for being able to flip between the two
58. Football fan
59. Athletic, himself
60. Can do a mean BBQ
61. Clean -- but not a clean freak
62. Loves animals
63. Keeps his vehicle clean
64. Has a beautiful smile -- with beautiful straight teeth
65. Has good breath
66. Visits the dentist regularly
67. Likes to camp
68. Likes to fly
69. Doesn't gamble excessively - but enjoys a weekend trip to Vegas
70. Loves having sex
71. Sings Karaoke
72. Gets up when he gets down
73. Financially stable - if he doesn't own his own home -- he should be making preparations to do so
74. Listens to me talk about my dad
75. Has interests of his own that he's passionate about
76. Lived a life that lead to me -- can be crazy, or silly, as long as he's living in the moment with me right now.
77. Appreciates how far I've come
78. Pushes me to reach my dreams and then come up with new ones
79. My friends adore him
80. Doesn't mind fighting as long as it's fair and we resolve it.
81. Makes me feel safe -- look, I'm too old for the good ole bar room brawls but I want a man to defend me if the need arises, whatever that may be.
82. Piercings optional (can't be anti-piercings, clearly)
81. Doesn't need to stare at other naked people to get hot for me -- although isn't against it all the time. LOL
82. Loves music -- of all kinds -- especially live music (and bonus points if you can play an instrument....not talking rock band either)
83. Will dance with me in the rain
84. Makes me smile - better yet, full on belly laughs
85. Will watch chick flicks with me -- but not cry harder than I do. Movies about sports or war, tears will be allowed.
86. Sees the future with me not the moment with someone else
87. Makes me see it too
88. Looks at me with a devilish grin that makes me feel wanted
89. Looks into the mirror and truly likes the person that he is
90. Does sweet little things -- a note, a card, a picture and message just to let me know he is thinking about me
91. Wants to be an active participant in my children's lives and mine
92. Want me to be an active participant in his life
93. Be reachable. Not to an insane degree, but let me know where about you are in your day.
94. Cooks and Cleans....sometimes both, sometimes neither but always with good conversation
95. Cannot wear Tiva's -- nor should he wear jean shorts -- and as a general rule, tanktops are out, gentlemen (with the rare -- almost too rare -- exception of above said water activities increased ever so slightly with, also above mentioned, badass tattoos)
96. I wanna look at him come home after a long hard day of work or play and think I am the luckiest woman in the world
97. Loyal - to friends, family and me
98. Trusting -- of his friends, family and me
99. PDA is A-OK -- not in full makeout sessions (though perhaps there are times for those as well) but as in keep my hand in yours, or your hand on me -- kiss me when you get up, etc
100. Love me forever. Be armed with only the best intentions, the truest emotions, the map with the right directions and the fight to never give up and walk away.
1. Loves me wholely
2. Loves my children/loves his children, if he has them. And if he does, no baby mama drama
3. Respects my parenting
4. Respects my children
5. Accepts my past
6. Actually gets along with Joel to a degree
7. Thinks I'm beautiful
8. Confidant, almost cocky
9. Makes me laugh
10. Sarcastic
11. Loves being in love
12. Slightly Flawed
13. Between 5'8 - 6'2
14. Between 185 - 225
15. Tattoos - several - and not just the barbwire kind and please no fraternity letters
16. Likes a woman (this woman, LOL) with tattoos -- who has plans to keep getting tattoos
17. Gorgeous in a man's man way
18. Good with his hands
19. Handy with cars
20. Can hang up a mean picture frame -- can even take the picture too
21. Handy man in general
22. Stable in his job
23. Possesses insurance of all kinds
24. Thinks about the future
25. Cares about our political future
26. Nonjudgemental but firm in his beliefs
27. Pro Choice -- or at least votes as such
28. Makes more than 45k - enough to take care of himself with room to play (I will handle my own)
29. Loves to pamper his woman
30. Polite -- Courteous
31. Opens doors, says Please and Thank you
32. Knows how to hold a fork (and knows how to tap a keg)
33. Puts his hand on the small of my back when we are walking
34. Looks at me like the whole world has disappeared around us
35. Is proud of me
36. My family loves him, especially my sister/brother in law and mom
37. Owns a Harley or has plans to
38. Loves the beach, especially impromptu trips
39. Drives a jeep, truck or SUV and not a lowered pimped out one
40. College educated or at least can hold his own and speak correctly
41. Parents still married
42. Spiritual but openminded - I'd love a man to will want to goto church with me -- but not the kind that would end our camping trip early to get back to bible study.
43. Openminded in general
44. Drinks alcohol
45. Doesn't smoke
46. Doesn't do drugs
47. Doesn't mind getting dirty -- but cleans up deliciously
48. Has brothers and sisters
49. Loves kids - mine, his, hers, theirs
50. Loves being on the water
51. Owns a boat or plans on partaking in water adventures (tubing, going to the lake, ocean, pool, hose in the backyard. LOL)
52. Rather have him bald than have long hair
53. Doesn't have a hairy back or butt -- or fixes that shit
54. Has a few close knit friends that accept me
55. Appreciates my independence
56. Appreciates my need for affection
57. Appreciates my need for being able to flip between the two
58. Football fan
59. Athletic, himself
60. Can do a mean BBQ
61. Clean -- but not a clean freak
62. Loves animals
63. Keeps his vehicle clean
64. Has a beautiful smile -- with beautiful straight teeth
65. Has good breath
66. Visits the dentist regularly
67. Likes to camp
68. Likes to fly
69. Doesn't gamble excessively - but enjoys a weekend trip to Vegas
70. Loves having sex
71. Sings Karaoke
72. Gets up when he gets down
73. Financially stable - if he doesn't own his own home -- he should be making preparations to do so
74. Listens to me talk about my dad
75. Has interests of his own that he's passionate about
76. Lived a life that lead to me -- can be crazy, or silly, as long as he's living in the moment with me right now.
77. Appreciates how far I've come
78. Pushes me to reach my dreams and then come up with new ones
79. My friends adore him
80. Doesn't mind fighting as long as it's fair and we resolve it.
81. Makes me feel safe -- look, I'm too old for the good ole bar room brawls but I want a man to defend me if the need arises, whatever that may be.
82. Piercings optional (can't be anti-piercings, clearly)
81. Doesn't need to stare at other naked people to get hot for me -- although isn't against it all the time. LOL
82. Loves music -- of all kinds -- especially live music (and bonus points if you can play an instrument....not talking rock band either)
83. Will dance with me in the rain
84. Makes me smile - better yet, full on belly laughs
85. Will watch chick flicks with me -- but not cry harder than I do. Movies about sports or war, tears will be allowed.
86. Sees the future with me not the moment with someone else
87. Makes me see it too
88. Looks at me with a devilish grin that makes me feel wanted
89. Looks into the mirror and truly likes the person that he is
90. Does sweet little things -- a note, a card, a picture and message just to let me know he is thinking about me
91. Wants to be an active participant in my children's lives and mine
92. Want me to be an active participant in his life
93. Be reachable. Not to an insane degree, but let me know where about you are in your day.
94. Cooks and Cleans....sometimes both, sometimes neither but always with good conversation
95. Cannot wear Tiva's -- nor should he wear jean shorts -- and as a general rule, tanktops are out, gentlemen (with the rare -- almost too rare -- exception of above said water activities increased ever so slightly with, also above mentioned, badass tattoos)
96. I wanna look at him come home after a long hard day of work or play and think I am the luckiest woman in the world
97. Loyal - to friends, family and me
98. Trusting -- of his friends, family and me
99. PDA is A-OK -- not in full makeout sessions (though perhaps there are times for those as well) but as in keep my hand in yours, or your hand on me -- kiss me when you get up, etc
100. Love me forever. Be armed with only the best intentions, the truest emotions, the map with the right directions and the fight to never give up and walk away.
It's been a little while -- no reason, really, just living my life
...first and foremost, certainly the most exciting, is that I passed my nursing boards. It's official, I'm a Registered Nurse. :-) It's really hard to explain in writing how very monumental this is to me. What exactly do you do when the accumulation of blood, sweat, tears and hard hard work all come to fruition? It almost feels like I'm floating - aimlessly wondering what great adventure is next to grace my life. It's very exciting and I feel very blessed. It was huge for me AND for my family -- especially my children.
Speaking of which, Dane turned 10. Absolutely crazy. I have a boy in double digits! But more so, I have a great, smart, considerate and beautiful child. TWO of them actually. School starts again toward the end of this month. I have to figure out if I want to stay in my house. I have got to come up with a plan for money (or lack there of) I have a lot of things that I need to figure out. But you know what...I will.
So, last night -- in an epic phone conversation (that I LOVED) with someone that I have spent a considerable amount of time with as of late, we started to discuss the mere thought of "changing who we are." We debated how much of it is logical and thought out vs. how much of it is just being a product of our environment and who we surround ourselves with. I had the opportunity to talk about Joel -- and Justin -- and 2007...and what it all came down to is that I am SO NOT the same person. I couldn't go back to those days, even if I wanted to (not to fix things, amend things, change things or relive things)- I simply am not the same person anymore. And, instead of feeling a sadness and loss, there is more a feeling of overwhelming peace, freedom and fortitude to press on.
The last 5 months have been very telling. I was very very down when Justin and I broke up. I think I knew the "love" was based on lies and that I could never trust him (perhaps I never did) but I deeply missed my very best friend. I still miss him greatly. Only he could do those little things that made me laugh and get me thru those tough tough times... but I cherish friends like the one I had last night who understood that...who laughed with me and who celebrated with me when it dawned on me that perhaps the loss of that relationship was probably the ultimate catalyst of really becoming who I am today -- strong -- happy -- independent -- determined. And then in the midst of the 3rd hour conversation, it dawned on me....LIGHT BULB MOMENT
Justin and I will really probably be nothing but a blip on the computer screen when it comes to my life. I don't have children with him. I don't own anything with him or owe anything to him. We broke up and he walked away -- poof! He's out of my life and on with his own. There are remnants -- I still talk to his family. We occasionally text message. I still think about him at the mere glimpse or whisper of anything military. People still ask me about him -- and of course, looming, is 10/10/10. That day was suppose to be OUR day and I'm sure it will be very tough. But after that -- I really truly don't see any sort of relationship continuing. I don't need to know about his love life and he certainly doesn't need to know about mine -- and with time passing, he will become quite simply "the one I dated right after my divorce" and nothing more. I remember my divorced friends mentioning "the one after" and thinking, "that will never be me." Well **that person** couldn't fathom meeting the person I am now, either. And, I get it, now...which makes it all easier to leap ahead with caution yet excitement into my next phase of my life.
And I'm thrilled for the ability to have bounced -- not backwards -- but to a new day!
Speaking of which, Dane turned 10. Absolutely crazy. I have a boy in double digits! But more so, I have a great, smart, considerate and beautiful child. TWO of them actually. School starts again toward the end of this month. I have to figure out if I want to stay in my house. I have got to come up with a plan for money (or lack there of) I have a lot of things that I need to figure out. But you know what...I will.
So, last night -- in an epic phone conversation (that I LOVED) with someone that I have spent a considerable amount of time with as of late, we started to discuss the mere thought of "changing who we are." We debated how much of it is logical and thought out vs. how much of it is just being a product of our environment and who we surround ourselves with. I had the opportunity to talk about Joel -- and Justin -- and 2007...and what it all came down to is that I am SO NOT the same person. I couldn't go back to those days, even if I wanted to (not to fix things, amend things, change things or relive things)- I simply am not the same person anymore. And, instead of feeling a sadness and loss, there is more a feeling of overwhelming peace, freedom and fortitude to press on.
The last 5 months have been very telling. I was very very down when Justin and I broke up. I think I knew the "love" was based on lies and that I could never trust him (perhaps I never did) but I deeply missed my very best friend. I still miss him greatly. Only he could do those little things that made me laugh and get me thru those tough tough times... but I cherish friends like the one I had last night who understood that...who laughed with me and who celebrated with me when it dawned on me that perhaps the loss of that relationship was probably the ultimate catalyst of really becoming who I am today -- strong -- happy -- independent -- determined. And then in the midst of the 3rd hour conversation, it dawned on me....LIGHT BULB MOMENT
Justin and I will really probably be nothing but a blip on the computer screen when it comes to my life. I don't have children with him. I don't own anything with him or owe anything to him. We broke up and he walked away -- poof! He's out of my life and on with his own. There are remnants -- I still talk to his family. We occasionally text message. I still think about him at the mere glimpse or whisper of anything military. People still ask me about him -- and of course, looming, is 10/10/10. That day was suppose to be OUR day and I'm sure it will be very tough. But after that -- I really truly don't see any sort of relationship continuing. I don't need to know about his love life and he certainly doesn't need to know about mine -- and with time passing, he will become quite simply "the one I dated right after my divorce" and nothing more. I remember my divorced friends mentioning "the one after" and thinking, "that will never be me." Well **that person** couldn't fathom meeting the person I am now, either. And, I get it, now...which makes it all easier to leap ahead with caution yet excitement into my next phase of my life.
And I'm thrilled for the ability to have bounced -- not backwards -- but to a new day!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Being a NURSE Means...
You will never be bored
You will always be frustated
You will be surrounded by challenges
So much to do and so little time
You will carry immense responsibility
And very little authority
You will step into people's lives
And you will make a difference
Some will bless you
Some will curse you
You will see people at their worst --
And at their best
You will never cease to be amazed
At people's capacity for
Love, courage and endurance
You will see life begin -- and end
You will experience resounding triumphs
And devastating failures
You will cry a lot
You will laugh a lot
You will know what it is to be human
And to be humane
~Melodie Chenevert RN
Thursday, June 17, 2010
God's Wheel - Shel Silverstein
GOD says to me with a kind of smile.
“Hey how would you like to be God awhile?
And steer the world? “Okay,” says I,
“I’ll give it a try.
Where do I set?
How much do I get?
What time is lunch?
When can I quit?”
“Gimme back that wheel,” says GOD
“I don’t think you’re quite ready YET.”
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Facing the Giants
Dane, Cole and I just redboxed this movie. It's an older football movie that Dane had picked out. "It's about football and God, Mom -- there is no doubt we will love it." Sold.
What a great movie. Ok, really -- the acting was less than great and part of the script was really, well, for lack of a better term, scripted. It's all rather predictable -- even when I was crying in the middle of the movie, Cole said, "Mom, always remember the happy ending!!" (with a roll of his eyes).... Oh dear boy, if life always had the happy ending....
The underlying message, that really struck a cord, was WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I love watching movies with the boys -- they practically sit on me, even though the couch has more than enough room. And, the boys hold my hand or wipe my tears (I'm so pathetic, hallmark should have a section just for the saps like me)...The movie ended with Dane jumping up and down, Cole biting his fingernails and covering his face and me, in a heap of tears -- happy tears. So, watch the movie. Watch it especially if you love God and even more if you love football too....
I'll share some great quotes from the movie: (for those of you that were following my old blog: Striving To Be Erma -- it was another "Kung Fu Panda" moment -- with me armed with pen and paper....maybe I should send the link to Rosie again...I'm sure she has nothing better to do but comment on my silly movie epiphanies!) :-) And so it goes......
"I'm scared I won't even make the team." "Well, you already aren't on the team, so what do you have to lose!?" Spoken from a father full of love...
"You can't judge your father by his actions and yourself by your intentions. It just doesn't work that way." I love love triple love love love that one
"Lord Jesus, would you help me? I need you. Lord, I feel that there are giants of fear and failure staring down at me, waiting to crush me. And I don't know how to beat 'em, Lord. I'm tired of being afraid. Lord, if you want me to do something else, show me. If you don't want me to have children, so be it. But You're my God. You're on the throne. You can have my hopes and my dreams. Lord, give me something. Show me something." Man, I have said a prayer very similar to that before....
"If you accept defeat, David, then that's what you'll get."
"Well, in God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it, don't ya?"
"God can do whatever He wants to do, however He wants to do it. And He chooses to work in our lives because He loves us. He's good. Hope today's a milestone for what He can do for the rest of your life if you trust Him."
What a great movie. Ok, really -- the acting was less than great and part of the script was really, well, for lack of a better term, scripted. It's all rather predictable -- even when I was crying in the middle of the movie, Cole said, "Mom, always remember the happy ending!!" (with a roll of his eyes).... Oh dear boy, if life always had the happy ending....
The underlying message, that really struck a cord, was WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I love watching movies with the boys -- they practically sit on me, even though the couch has more than enough room. And, the boys hold my hand or wipe my tears (I'm so pathetic, hallmark should have a section just for the saps like me)...The movie ended with Dane jumping up and down, Cole biting his fingernails and covering his face and me, in a heap of tears -- happy tears. So, watch the movie. Watch it especially if you love God and even more if you love football too....
I'll share some great quotes from the movie: (for those of you that were following my old blog: Striving To Be Erma -- it was another "Kung Fu Panda" moment -- with me armed with pen and paper....maybe I should send the link to Rosie again...I'm sure she has nothing better to do but comment on my silly movie epiphanies!) :-) And so it goes......
"I'm scared I won't even make the team." "Well, you already aren't on the team, so what do you have to lose!?" Spoken from a father full of love...
"You can't judge your father by his actions and yourself by your intentions. It just doesn't work that way." I love love triple love love love that one
"Lord Jesus, would you help me? I need you. Lord, I feel that there are giants of fear and failure staring down at me, waiting to crush me. And I don't know how to beat 'em, Lord. I'm tired of being afraid. Lord, if you want me to do something else, show me. If you don't want me to have children, so be it. But You're my God. You're on the throne. You can have my hopes and my dreams. Lord, give me something. Show me something." Man, I have said a prayer very similar to that before....
"If you accept defeat, David, then that's what you'll get."
"Well, in God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it, don't ya?"
"God can do whatever He wants to do, however He wants to do it. And He chooses to work in our lives because He loves us. He's good. Hope today's a milestone for what He can do for the rest of your life if you trust Him."
Monday, June 14, 2010
"Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before." ~James Buckham
Today was a very difficult day for me. (roller coaster gaining speed)
I drove into work missing my children terribly. Our custody situation is 50/50 -- one week I have them 5 days (Wed, Thurs, Friday, Sat, Sun, and then drop them Monday morn) -- the next week I only have them Wed and Thursday and drop them on Friday. This is one of the latter weeks. It's always been this way. So, I've lived with this arrangement for close to three years. It hasn't gotten one iota easier. It's grueling not seeing them daily. Sure, I've gotten use to the perks -- at first, it's almost a novelty -- you plan everything around those days. "Oh the "me" time" you say. I will tell you, as a divorced,single, working, broke mother of two -- these weekends take all of my heart and soul and suck them out of me freely only to allow their return when the boys come hammering into the car, usually screaming at each other, but ultimately so happy to be coming home with me. Truth is -- those boys love the heck out of me...and they know that inside and out, I think that each of them individually (and the two of them combined) are really the shizniz (Mom, no, it's not really a word, but I was going to say " the beeswax" which, in all truth, I understand considerably less,so.....shizniz it is!!!) Anyway -- I'm missing them fiercely today. I'm also terribly frustrated that dear ex husband won't let them talk to me on "his" weekends fearing that it may interfere with his "family time."
Then I got to work. And, work is work. Sure, I love the health care field -- but I'm not a 100% certain that cleaning the hairy balls of an 86 year old man is what I worked most of my adult life for -- if that was my "dream" I think I need a better shrink! While at work I got a text from dear ex husband sayin that the money he promised that he paid into the courts last week wasn't actually paid at all -- and that he was going to be going to court to freeze child support entirely because he is unemployed and can't "do this anymore." Now, before you get tears in your beers -- I know poor. This man does NOT know poor. I have bills so behind that stuff is getting shut off. I can't afford GAS. My dogs haven't eaten dog food in at least a week -- and the boys, well...with the help of some friends, get the break from Ramen Noodles on occasion. I fucking KNOW poor. And, mind you, I saw the ring on his now fiance's finger -- and that does not ring POOR in my book. Nor do the Harley trips they take, their trip planned back to Wisconsin, or even getting your dog groomed, your new car detailed or the bar tabs, dinner bills, movie passes, water park passes, etc that you spend all your money on. Poor....psaw! Who is kidding who, here?
Then, whattya know -- a text from my not so dear ex-boyfriend. Truth be told, he's good at nailing the timing -- always has been able to smell the vulnerability on me like white on rice. (Another bizarre saying...and I usually eat brown rice, but for the time being, indulge me and my strange saying...)I'm upset and lonely and he knows that I don't have the boys -- which turned into meeting him for a beer -- which then truly did turn my beer into tears when I drove away realizing I am NOT MEANT to EVER see this boy again. Hurt. Pain. Heartache. Ugh -- who needs it -- and I tell him so when he texts me to say "thank you," I simply tell him "don't contact me again -- there is NO REASON TO" which (blah blah blah) prompts a call and as I break out in tears (yet again, grrr) explaining how delicate and fragile my emotions are -- and that I love him SO MUCH that I simply CANNOT see or talk to him again. I know, it's deep...and I was amazed he was actually trying to wrap his little brain around it. Wow...he's getting it! He actually understands for once what he has done to me. Wow...he may actually feel badly -- love me enough to let me go this time....and I talk and cry for a minute longer when...wait...is that really intense listening and acknowledgement?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz SNORING zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
......and I hang up on the two bit cheating good for nothing dirtball shame of a man..... Fucker.
So I start laughing -- crying and laughing -- Can God just thump me on the head any louder - just give me a wedgey and swirly at the same damn time and call it quits!? I walk into the bathroom notice I have 3 zits. I'm thrity fucking five years old with three zits. I'm the mother of two boys who only see me half of their life. My house smells like chihuahua piss- I have three dogs (and dog sitting a fourth,) ONE tortise (the other up and ran away. Really.) 1000000 fish and I can't feed any of us. I've got bills up the wazoo (really a wazoo!? What's that saying all about) I've got the NCLEX approaching quickly where I haven't studied a bit. I just got another speeding ticket. I'm driving a car that's keyed from front to back, CD player just broke, oil change is 6000 miles overdue. And it's all just plain ass funny material for me. WHO KNOWS where your life is going to take you. Funny. Just plain pathetic, but really funny as hell.
And so I sit, face mask on, trying to find purpose with some Godly music blaring in the background. I'm all alone. Lonely. Sad. And realize...this is a really hard process. All of it. The boys. Joel. Justin. Family. Friendships. Sadness. Loneliness. Happiness. Tears. Peace. Dating. Working. Surviving. Being. Wanting. Needing. Doing.
And this process is my life. I'm just doin me.....that's all I know how to do.
Just doin' me.
I drove into work missing my children terribly. Our custody situation is 50/50 -- one week I have them 5 days (Wed, Thurs, Friday, Sat, Sun, and then drop them Monday morn) -- the next week I only have them Wed and Thursday and drop them on Friday. This is one of the latter weeks. It's always been this way. So, I've lived with this arrangement for close to three years. It hasn't gotten one iota easier. It's grueling not seeing them daily. Sure, I've gotten use to the perks -- at first, it's almost a novelty -- you plan everything around those days. "Oh the "me" time" you say. I will tell you, as a divorced,single, working, broke mother of two -- these weekends take all of my heart and soul and suck them out of me freely only to allow their return when the boys come hammering into the car, usually screaming at each other, but ultimately so happy to be coming home with me. Truth is -- those boys love the heck out of me...and they know that inside and out, I think that each of them individually (and the two of them combined) are really the shizniz (Mom, no, it's not really a word, but I was going to say " the beeswax" which, in all truth, I understand considerably less,so.....shizniz it is!!!) Anyway -- I'm missing them fiercely today. I'm also terribly frustrated that dear ex husband won't let them talk to me on "his" weekends fearing that it may interfere with his "family time."
Then I got to work. And, work is work. Sure, I love the health care field -- but I'm not a 100% certain that cleaning the hairy balls of an 86 year old man is what I worked most of my adult life for -- if that was my "dream" I think I need a better shrink! While at work I got a text from dear ex husband sayin that the money he promised that he paid into the courts last week wasn't actually paid at all -- and that he was going to be going to court to freeze child support entirely because he is unemployed and can't "do this anymore." Now, before you get tears in your beers -- I know poor. This man does NOT know poor. I have bills so behind that stuff is getting shut off. I can't afford GAS. My dogs haven't eaten dog food in at least a week -- and the boys, well...with the help of some friends, get the break from Ramen Noodles on occasion. I fucking KNOW poor. And, mind you, I saw the ring on his now fiance's finger -- and that does not ring POOR in my book. Nor do the Harley trips they take, their trip planned back to Wisconsin, or even getting your dog groomed, your new car detailed or the bar tabs, dinner bills, movie passes, water park passes, etc that you spend all your money on. Poor....psaw! Who is kidding who, here?
Then, whattya know -- a text from my not so dear ex-boyfriend. Truth be told, he's good at nailing the timing -- always has been able to smell the vulnerability on me like white on rice. (Another bizarre saying...and I usually eat brown rice, but for the time being, indulge me and my strange saying...)I'm upset and lonely and he knows that I don't have the boys -- which turned into meeting him for a beer -- which then truly did turn my beer into tears when I drove away realizing I am NOT MEANT to EVER see this boy again. Hurt. Pain. Heartache. Ugh -- who needs it -- and I tell him so when he texts me to say "thank you," I simply tell him "don't contact me again -- there is NO REASON TO" which (blah blah blah) prompts a call and as I break out in tears (yet again, grrr) explaining how delicate and fragile my emotions are -- and that I love him SO MUCH that I simply CANNOT see or talk to him again. I know, it's deep...and I was amazed he was actually trying to wrap his little brain around it. Wow...he's getting it! He actually understands for once what he has done to me. Wow...he may actually feel badly -- love me enough to let me go this time....and I talk and cry for a minute longer when...wait...is that really intense listening and acknowledgement?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz SNORING zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
......and I hang up on the two bit cheating good for nothing dirtball shame of a man..... Fucker.
So I start laughing -- crying and laughing -- Can God just thump me on the head any louder - just give me a wedgey and swirly at the same damn time and call it quits!? I walk into the bathroom notice I have 3 zits. I'm thrity fucking five years old with three zits. I'm the mother of two boys who only see me half of their life. My house smells like chihuahua piss- I have three dogs (and dog sitting a fourth,) ONE tortise (the other up and ran away. Really.) 1000000 fish and I can't feed any of us. I've got bills up the wazoo (really a wazoo!? What's that saying all about) I've got the NCLEX approaching quickly where I haven't studied a bit. I just got another speeding ticket. I'm driving a car that's keyed from front to back, CD player just broke, oil change is 6000 miles overdue. And it's all just plain ass funny material for me. WHO KNOWS where your life is going to take you. Funny. Just plain pathetic, but really funny as hell.
And so I sit, face mask on, trying to find purpose with some Godly music blaring in the background. I'm all alone. Lonely. Sad. And realize...this is a really hard process. All of it. The boys. Joel. Justin. Family. Friendships. Sadness. Loneliness. Happiness. Tears. Peace. Dating. Working. Surviving. Being. Wanting. Needing. Doing.
And this process is my life. I'm just doin me.....that's all I know how to do.
Just doin' me.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
