Leaving for Mexico tomorrow -- Oh, how my soul longs for the ocean!

I think I was born a beach bum....my favorite memories growing up involved the beach. Toes in the sand, breeze through my hair and smile on my face. I was just telling a patient about my home away from home, La Jolla, CA. I spent so much time there -- every chance we had -- which included every summer, every school break and even some quick weekend getaways. We were so innocent in those days...mom and dad at the beach, while I was **free** to roam whereever I wanted...and I did...hours at a time, all by myself. I still laugh about the huge waves that made my sister and I clasp on to each other's arm and try to duck under - both of us had to have been terrified - we were practically the only idiots in the water (and terrible undertow) but inbetween almost being swept out to the depths of a brutal ocean, we laughed whole-heartidly. I think if I could have peed my "pants," I would have....it still makes me laugh today. And, as an adult, I treasure La Jolla for so many different reasons. It's peaceful and beautiful. I have billions of pictures of my boys growing up just the way I did (although, they don't roam, like I did -- especially after Cole tried to disappear on me when he was 3....ugh) I just absolutely LOVE it there.

The beach just draws me to it. I'm funny. I like a COLD, desolate beach. Beaches in the winter are my FAVORITE. So, tomorrow, I will follow my heart back to the water in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. It's the place that I have now adopted as my new home. It's the place where I married my love with my children next to me, holding my hand and smiles on our faces. It's the ocean. It's the beach. And, I cannot wait to get there.

See, the ocean does something for me. It's vast and treacherous and makes me remember I am just a speck on this great Earth. Somehow, just remembering that puts my problems into perspective. Sure, things get tough, and I have difficult times, but we ALL DO. It makes me love my neighbors in life just that much more. An appreciation. An understanding. It also makes me feel STRONG. I feel like I can conquer everything. I have already in so many ways. And watching my boys play in the sand, or in the waves, makes my heart dance. They are the best of friends and I am the most blessed mamabear there is.

I simply can't wait...to charge up my spirit and dance in some moist, salty, ocean air.

Such a powerful reminder

It's never easy....but almost always appreciated.

Friday, Sept 30....and I'm feeling....well, I'll leave it at that. I'm feeling.

• Since I wrote last:

The Good:

• The boys had their parent/teacher conferences. Both of my children are equally fantastic. Of course, I already knew that, but it sure is nice to hear. Their grades are beautiful, but even more so, THEY are very well liked by their teachers and classmates. I'm raising smart, precious, mindful children and that means the world to me.


• Buddhism came up in Dane's conference. It's funny how those things happen. Then yesterday, my son jumped in the car very excited. "Mom, my teacher wants me to give this to you." It was a book, Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh and a Buddhist magazine called Shambhala Sun. I was moved. It's the small things and I am grateful for that.


• I finished both my cardiac and nuero recertifications for work just under the Oct. 1 deadline.


• The boys start fall break after today -- which, to me, means MEXICO!!! Can't wait to return to the place where our family circle was completed.


• Football is going great -- both boys are excelling on the field...and Baskin Robbins is happy about it. (They get a scoop of ice cream for each touchdown.) Dane actually "willed" a scoop to Cole last night as Cole ran out and REAAAALLY wanted two scoops...Dane has 4 in reserves, lol, but offered one of his credits to his little brother. Happiness all the way around. It was kind of a sweet moment, really.

The Bad:

• I've been very short tempered with Justin lately. I don't really know why, but I've been feeling less than my uber confident self and it shows. Self doubt...it's a painful thing. I guess having gone through so much bullshit, I have a very difficult time believing that true happiness is obtainable, so I sabotage it.


• At a very vulnerable time personally, Justin reconnected with his ex-wife and her son (that he raised for 8 years) via facebook. Innocent as it is, it's painful to me. His understanding of my feelings and actions taken to assure his love and commitment to our family has somehow got me feeling worse.


• My son's favorite coach -- and one of my favorite people -- has been let go from the organization due to some ridiculous differences in opinions. It's gotten ugly and a whole bunch of "he said/she said" nonsense that has people's feelings hurt and reputations tarnished. What it boils down to for me is that both of my boys are sad and there's nothing I can do about it.

Actually it feels better writing about it -- today, the boys are in school and then at Sunshine's for the weekend. I am going to read my new book, sit in the peace and quiet of my lovely home, perhaps get my nails/toes done and wait for my husband to come home to me. Tomorrow, we will go to Coolidge for both boys games. Sunday starts day 1 of 3 in a row at work and then VIVE MEXICO!!

It's been too long

There are a lot of things going on in this head of mine, however, I really don't know if any of it is bloggable material. Things have been really busy. Football has pretty much taken spot front and center in our lives. We love this time of year. If it's not Titan football (games and practices) for the boys -- it's fantasy football and the other football pool that we are in. And, there's is always work.... And, of course, there are the disappointments -- the things that people do and the feelings I tend to have towards those actions (and those people.) It's brutal. It breaks down my psyche. I need to be stronger than that. So I continue living and growing. There is a very fine line between putting myself out there - risking with the possiblity of greatness and putting a wall up -- risking loneliness vs finding safe solidarity. I have the hardest time letting go. I know that it is my issue, I place too much pride in friendships and bonds - sometimes people come into your life...to...leave. And, I have to leave it at that.

Someone once said to me, "pray about it." This person is just about the furthest from "GOD" that I know - doesn't believe in God...or himself, for that matter. Yet, I'm listening to his words, and holding on to a better time and hope for a better future... Praying about it.

I have been blessed...

It's early ... and I've already been up for 2 hours.

This time it's for a great reason.....
NOTHING.

Sure, I've done stuff this morning. I've cleaned our hamster, Banana's, cage and our tortoise, Spike's, domain as well and put them out to exercise (yes, I'm serious) I've already done a load of laundry, a few dishes, fed the dogs (and by that I mean that I fed Halo, Piper and Scout -- not Jake -- I'm hoping that was done by his rightful owner this morning already..., hmmm). At quick glance, I've paid a bill and noticed Sunshine still hasn't....I even have come to the realization that school is not meant to begin again for me until October...I will have to wait to be a traitor Sun devil (ick.)

I have enormous things on my agenda (funny ha ha) for my non-working Wednesday. I need new scrubs. I need to go to the grocery store (which means I need to decipher what we are having for dinner.) I'm going to print some new pictures for my amazing black and white frames that beautifully now frame my staircase (thank you, my love). I'm going to clean a bit and study for my EKG test at work tomorrow. I'm going to get bills in order, mail thrown away, and a plan made. Of course none of this is really all that important, but it's my life and my children come home tonight.

I LOVE TODAY.

Tonight -- on the docket -- not a damn thing! Turns out we live in a cauldron of burning lava, so football is canceled due to the heat index (and the fact that we love our children - most of us do, anyway). In lieu of football, FAMILY DINNER! (what to have, what to have....) I can't wait to get those boys home. I treasure my text messages from Dane -- but would LOVE to hear IN PERSON those "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and the brags about what a fucking brilliant student he is (100% on his Social "Studys" test...ay vey, we'll now work on spelling...)

On a serious side note....cause I realize this blog is rather light and meaningless...I do have some friends going through some very difficult times. I realize this. I am not making light of it at all. What I do know...and I know you are reading...is....(what is it?)....tough times don't last...but tough people do. I love you. Know that. In the grand scheme of things, you matter and.... this...well this just doesn't. What I've learned, bloggers, is that in tough times...SIMPLIFY. Get rid of the nonsense and the noise. Our own heads and hearts are our worst enemies...but it can be done. (That is such a phonetically mature statement, my high school English teacher would delight!)

On another note (and to another person's issue, that has made me really think)....uh oh, here it comes...the serious blogger in me.... being a single parent isn't the worst thing in the world. Listen to me people.... and listen to this next proverbial randomness while first appreciating this disclaimer:

I AM NOT A SINGLE PARENT AND I REALIZE THAT. I have an ex-Sunshine
who is VERY active in my children's universe and with him comes a plethora of
people. I also am very aware that I have my beautiful husband-o'mine (and
with him comes people crawling out of the wood work....damn, Mormon
church...kidding, totally kidding - sorta) I have loyal friends and I have a beautiful and loyal family.

OK....that said....I have felt like a leper for being a divorced parent. I have felt like less of a person, ugh, less of a family, because the boys aren't accompanied by "mom and dad." I have felt like people think I am less capable of true love or, really more devastating to my psyche, that I have never loved wholely. I have felt (I just replaced "know" with what my psychologist calls fair words without implication) like people view my home as less fit than that of one with an intact relationship (follow along...an intact MOM/DAD one.) I have witnessed (a true statement, thank you) and felt like my children's friend's parents have less than raving ideas about (fill in the blank) their child with a person that is divorced. I have felt like I was not included in certain events/parties/activities because people were uneasy with my "singleness." I have heard my children (both of them...at 11 and 8) have conversations of such with their friends about having divorced parents, two homes, parents that don't get along, uneasiness, etc. AND IT SUCKS.

THAT is why people turn bitter and hard. It is why people put up rules and boundaries (simply to hide fears, pain and wounds) with everyone they meet from here on out. It's one thing going through devastation. It's another being judged, or, ahhem, feeling judged about it. Shame is the greatest obstacle to healing and accepting life, but it's also what makes it so easy to try to justify or prove something. I tried relentlessly to explain why I couldn't be XYZ....I was working full time while going to school full time, blah blah blah .... I was this. I wasn't this. I didn't have this because of this or that. It's so hard to me still that people think my relationship with Sunshine was something...is something, other than 19 years of a relationship (love, bond, dedication, loyalty, and the struggle for peace.) It's equally hard for me still that people hear that I've been divorced and remarried (whether they know us or not) and feel like view it as less worthy or less fought for and deserved.

It's just so hard to explain to someone who has never been through it. Being on the other side of the mountain (Miley Cyrus' The Climb still makes me bawl, and I ain't ashamed.....I also never say "ain't" but it was deemed acceptable and allowable in this case) I have become SUCH a better person for the shit I've been through. If I never would have struggled with my fertility, I would never understand the longing of a mother's desire. If I never would have miscarried, I never would understand a person's utter pain and disappointment. If I never would have loved and lost, I never would have understood the devastation of a lost dream, nor would I ever have understood the power of a second love. If I never would have been divorced with children, I never would have understood how people's opinions of you change and hurt. If I never would have been financially bankrupt, I never would treasure what I have and the blessings money can't bring. If I never would have been touched by the death of my father, I never would have understood that it literally rocks your foundation and makes you question where you came from, where you're going and what biological traits you carry with you. I can understand. as much as my presence and existence let's me, what people with similar situations are going through. I also know that I love my children completely and that I am a kick ass mom. I smother them with attention and gratitude and they return the favor. I would lay my life down with no questions asked so they wouldn't hurt. And, it just doesn't matter what other people think. Dane. Cole. <---they matter, and they know.

For the things I have not experienced, I can empathize. And, more than that. I WANT TO. I NEVER want people to go through sadness. I've said it a million times and embraced my inner Buddhism budding love...we all crave happiness. But, honey loves, out there in blog land....
WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS NOT YOU.....IT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU....

Be willing to think differently. Simplify. Go to a easy place and be open to a peaceful change. Believe in it. I don't give a rat's ass if you think I'm talking nonsense. Be willing to believe you'll get there (and I get it, you have no idea how) Try to let go of old defenses, and old pain will let go of you. Try to let go of fear (of judgement, the past, the future, love, chance) and fear will walk away from you. Try to let go of cynicism and attack and they will let go of you. (People don't make you feel...you do.) Defenses can't make you happy. Be open to the possibility that THIS BULLSHIT will grace your world (and those you touch) eventually....and you are MORE than your interpretation of your life today. Trust me.

Or...don't.

Either way....

my boys come home today.

Not much really been going on lately - just haven't had anything to write about.

We are just your average busy family, with both of us working, the boys having school, band and football. It seems like we are always running somewhere (and mostly....running out of money.) I'm very blessed to have an average life though. It was Justin's 31st birthday on the 12th. I had planned a surprise skydiving extravaganza -- but it got postponed due to weather. Lightening and rain on an August day in Arizona? Ya, maybe God was telling me to wait. I also successfully passed another August 16 (dad's deathiversary.) This year, I CHOSE to work vs. my normal routine of drinking myself into a silly drunk crying stupor lasting the entire day. It felt good. That said, when I got home, we did go out and partake in some adult beverages, including shots of whiskey and Irish car bombs alongside pitchers of beer, in honor of JFK, Sr. I do miss him terribly, but sitting around the bar table with my husband and two dear friends, I felt really loved and that was nice.

A lot on the horizon, including football, football, football....returning to school....some new roommates and some health issues to battle. Ya know what, though?...it's always something...and for that...I'm grateful.

DKMS - Become a Bone Marrow Donor

CLICK HERE to Become a Bone Marrow Donor

I just registered as a bone marrow donor with DKMS. It's simple (AND FREE) to do. You fill out the online forms and they mail you an envelope with cheek swabs. There are minimal requirements necessary and you remain on the donor list until you are 61. I'm asking you to consider signing up or making a donation as well. Don't be a chicken-shit....you never know when you might need a little help from your friends (or your children might.) Karma....

Having a bad day? Click here! :)

The magic button — Make Everything OK

A joke I heard at work yesterday....

"So an Irishman walks out of a pub....

...hey, it could happen."

Haaaahahaahahhaaaaaa

Deep Breath

I am in the midst of what I like to call a "disagreement" with Sunshine but he says we are in a "fight." There is a huge difference here, blogland. To me, to "fight" would mean that I really honestly think that I am intrinsically right and he is wrong and because of that, I deserve to win. To merely "disagree" means that I am aware that he is going to do whatever the hell he wants regardless of what I say, but I will say it. I do understand that I'll just have to deal with whatever it is and move on, but it's worth it to be my authentic self and speak up for how I see things. I have been "disagreeing" with Sunshine since I was 17 years old....that is N-I-N-E-T-E-E-N years.....

Anyway, I said my piece and have no intention to rehash it here; only to say that this is another beautiful example of human behavior. This is yet another reminder that people change.

Therefore, I took the time to reflect - and truly honor the relationships that I have in my life now. I am a blessed mamabear, undeniably. I am surrounded by such amazing people. My husband is a beautiful person. He has absolutely made me and the boys his life and focus. He loves us completely. Last night we were driving home from dinner and he pulled me over next to him in the truck white trash style. He slid his arm around me as I cuddled into him, resting the back of my head on his shoulder, I reached up and held his hand. I literally felt the weight of the world disappear as I shifted gears so he could keep his hand in mine with his arm around me. Perfect unison -- quiet, just us, clutch/stick shift (LOL) -- It was like we were 16 sneaking the truck out. It was PERFECT and we both said so. Simple. Beautiful. Real.

Having children is the most amazing thing to ever. It is consuming and difficult but it is crazy good too. My boys are so great -- not at all perfect angels - but the look in their eyes when they see me can't be beat. I am their MOM (one and only) and they love me like no other. I can't wait to get the boys back home where they belong -- heck, they can sleep in my bed if they want. I can't wait to pick up their clothes and get smothered. I went and bought stuff for homemade cookies and cleaned up their castle without a bit of moan or groan today. I just want to squeeze every last drop of love and friendship I have out of my heart and give it away....give it away to everyone...those that matter and will treasure it....and those that could care less, or perhaps even don't want it.

See, the trick here is this...life changes (you know the old adage: the only constant is change) and therefore people change as well. Sunshine has changed to a huge degree and so have I. Unfortunately, perhaps, for our children, our changes were in opposite directions. It shouldn't surprise me that we have frequent disagreements I suppose the real challenge is to get him to understand that I am NOT fighting with him. I am absolutely OK with having a different moral fiber than he does. I embrace the fact that we are opposites when it comes to some very important life actions and behaviors. We divorced for a reason and I am thankful daily that I no longer have to bite my tongue or turn my cheek. I have a voice and it's my pleasure and duty to disagree.

There are just those times when the world tries to get you down, but you make a choice to keep your attitude positive. When a struggle to squash you, actually empowers you to savor the good flavor. A day when a negative turns into a positive simply by your adjusted mind frame.

Today is one of those days.

Cool.

I may be a crazy girl....but he loves me! :)