....almost feels like I'm a girl.
:)
So, it was my birthday yesterday...facebook is good like that...reminds every random person to tell you "happy birthday." It was awesome. People OUT of the woodwork!
and somehow I focus on those I didn't hear from....not in some ridiculous way...just missed....
like my dad. Not that I expected a call from the beyond...but I crave a kiss on the forehead....and just always think of my parents...and "what they were doing..."
CRAZY....
my mom...."facebooked" me.... another "welcome to my world" does that count? It should...because that woman loves me...I mean REALLY LOVES ME...faults and all...and her "welcome to my world" comment was the very first words I spoke to my own children.... I wonder if she knows that?
like my brothers and sister....I got a "happy birthday" email from Rick...but NOTHING from Kelly or Johnny....leaves me wondering if I am too old for that? Kerry emailed, texted AND came out with me after work. :)
I worked yesterday -- and they knew that....and Justin sent me a wonderful fruit bouquet.... we all devoured. We went out last night....and drank like I was 21. OUCH
I love my friends and family -- and feel a little fragile today.
I sent a another patient to hospice yesterday. His family was just like mine. Large.,...annoying...demanding.....lost. :) I looked in his eyes and LOVED THIS MAN.....(I've only been his nurse for two days!) He had a major stroke which left him completely aphasic (he couldn't talk) and right side deficit....but don't FOR ONE SECOND think that man didn't know what was going on OR that his LEFT hand wouldn't tell you! He was a truck driver by trade, I came to find out. A father of 5 (and maybe 2 others, LOL, his son told me).... A brutal, hard, difficult man (I was told).... Just recently with a major bipass and endarectomy...and threw a fucking clot and was found unresponsive at the rehab unit....yet when the family left the room to arrange hospice details, he tried to haul his body OUT of the bed after them...and I held his strong hand....telling him everything that was happening...
"I know you are frustrated....probably scared."
"you are in the hospital...you had a major stroke."
"Your family is amazing...a true testament to you as a man."
"Be proud of them. Be okay that your wife is OK..you made it be so..."
"I know you understand me, I know you hate this. I know."
....and he cried.
....and I cried.
And, I cry yet today....right now....thinking of this beautiful family struggling right NOW. Watching the man that led thefamily (at least financially..come on...we all know the woman does everything...LOL)...die. Watching the man that loved their Mom...and made it be that HE DID EVERYTHING FOR HER.... die. Watching them be scared....all of them in different stages...some of them wanting more, some of them wanting it over.....And I think of my own dad's death....and my insignificant wondering if anyone cared... PLEASE don't hate them for wanting "it over".....it....is...the MOST difficult thing....EVER....being honored enough to watch them die...
I hugged each of them...and felt the weight of their saddess with every fiber in my body...each....one....
truth is....
...life goes on....
and I remember vividly walking into the elevator after my dad died....a little relieved and guilty to be so...."and now there were 6" from my mom...and every single sound as I got into my car....next to the throw up from mere hours previous... I actually got LOST driving back to my parents house...in a town I've lived in ALL MY LIFE. (side note....I feel sick to my stomach remembering.)
Oh Dad....please welcome him....Russ....I called him "Russ"
and please bless his family....
...and somehow let people know...like you just did....that is DOES matter....to even the insignificant.....
...as I sit here...his nurse...that sealed his fate, made him DNR...and sent him to hospice....
I did celebrate my birthday last night -- 37 years old. He smiled when I told him it was my birthday (half a smile...got a point on the NIH scale for that)....he squeezed my hand tight...I know he wished me a "happy birthday"...I know.
I sit here in tears....
...wondering if this is the right profession for me...
....I sit here in tears....
...thinking of Russ.
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Wow...that elevator ride... I am right there with u on the feelings and for this moment I feel what it was like when it happened. Also to be fair about your birthday, your birthday was the only one of ours that we all got together to celebrate on Saturday and it was great! AND here we come Mexico to celebrate more.
ReplyDeleteSitting here in tears for that strong, wonderful man and father that you introduced us to. Thank you. Many hugs to you too.
ReplyDeleteHappy belated birthday honey. This was a beautiful post. And I believe you are in the right profession...you clearly have a sense of compassion that the medical community needs. We cherish people like you...for many reasons. Hope you are well. xoxo.
ReplyDelete"I sit here in tears....
ReplyDelete...wondering if this is the right profession for me..."
There is no question in the world that you have picked the right profession. You were born to be there for those that need you in their most critical times. I can attest to that caring. -H