Day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Let me introduce you to my mother: Kathleen...or as I affectionately refer to her: Mama. Clearly, I have known her the longest and luckily, we have always been pretty close. My mom said I was her easiest pregnancy, busting into the world via c-section on Feb. 28, 1975. I apparently was a pretty easy baby too -- having four older siblings probably helped. I however,was not the easiest teenager or even young adult. She has always been there and I will forever love my mom.

She was a farm girl in Nebraska. She and my father both born there and knew each other their whole lives. They were always together. The cheesy rheteoric about captain of the football team and the cheerleader. Then my dad went away to Notre Dame and my mom went to a private girls Catholic college. They wrote letters -- man, what I would do to get ahold of those. Eventually, they met back up, got married and moved to Arizona. Soon after my brothers were born. She talks about the place they lived in with no air conditioning and how dad was in a fraternity at ASU. I have no idea how she kept it together with two tiny infants. Then came a move back to Nebraska, the rest of us kids and ultimately a move BACK to AZ to stay.

My Mom really is the best. She's a tough cookie and sometimes her advice or stern look still is hard for me. But her love is equally as tough. The coolest part is watching her as a grandma. My children ADORE her. She's goofy and fun. My kids light up when she is around. She is absolutely one of my very best friends and I love her with all of my heart.

Now, move to the east valley, Mom, so we can see ya more!

DAY ONE: A picture of yourself with at least 10 facts

I been blogger-dared to see if I could post 30 days of pictures....I've already been sent the prompts... I can't say I'll post 30 days in a row -- but I can say I'll do my best.



1. My name is Kristen Ruth (after my paternal grandmother whom I never met because she died of a major stroke when my father was only 16.)
2. This picture encompasses several of my greatest loves: feeling peaceful, the ocean, Mexico, a cold beer, flip flops and jeans (and not necessarily in that order)
3. I swam with the dolphins when I was 30 years old. When I opened the gift I cried - big huge alligator tears, only these were beautiful, grateful dolphin tears.
4. I have 2 twin brothers and 2 sisters. I am the baby of the family.
5. My sister is my very best friend
6. My favorite number is 10
7. I have never seen an entire Star Wars, Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings
8. My father died August 16, 2007 -- the single hardest thing I've been through, followed closely by having miscarriages
9. I am a fierce mama bear and I will stomp on anyone who hurts my children -- I feel sorry for their first heart breaker...I'll take no mercy - there will be no survivors.
10. I have 3 dogs (Scout, Piper, Halo), a tortoise (Spike), a hamster (Banana) and several unnamed fish...it's not that they are loved less necessarily, they just don't have names. I gotta get on that.

Welcome back, Wednesday!!!

I am feeling...so good.

I really should just end my blog there and then. (odd saying....but never the less....ahhem, another weird saying....but I digress....)

I am happy, people. Really happy.

I woke up this morning as Justin was continuously snoozing the alarm...and I felt great. Wide awake...the window was open, the sun not yet risen and it was brisk in my room. Yet, I was cozy in my bed next to the man I truly love in our home that I really adore. I have nothing to get out of bed for. And I smiled....

...I tell you....if all those tears and hard times are to thank for leading me here...I welcome the sadness. (Who would've thunk?)

As the sun became brighter, I got out of bed. I petted my three dogs, said hello to the hamster, fish and tortoises and went and laid on the trampoline to finish my book. It's taken me awhile to read my book...(something about working, being a mom and wife and being back in school....) but this morning was deliciously perfect to finish an important book about Buddhism and Christ. Two things of great value in my life.

After I finished, I sat still and listened to the wind blow -- very conscious of my breathing and the weight of my body on the trampoline. In that moment I remembered....

YIPPEE SKIPPY THE BOYS COME HOME TODAY!!!

And in one swoop, I back bended my way up to standing upright and jumped on the trampoline like a little girl with no care in the world....laughing and incredibly silly...

(and, yes...I'll past a drug test.)

it was amazing...

...embracing the day....and my spirit...that stays strong in the difficult times and screams in the now.

HURRY UP DAY AND GET MY FAMILY HOME!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Cole was clearly a vampire -- and a scary, and dead one at that.

Dane decided to be a foodfight -- so cute!

Bring on November!

A spouse that has cheated...

I have a couple friends going through really rough patches in their marriages. Both women are married to men that have cheated on them: One was a one night stand, the other was a full blown affair. They are devastated. They are angry. Everyone is offering all sorts of support that ranges from a room to stay, a hug or a drink to offering to dig the ditch to bury him or kill the bastard themselves. Women are not to be reckoned with -- and when one of our own is suffering, the inner bitch comes out for all to see.

I'm different, perhaps. I'm quietly giving my support and privately crying my own tears. It's hard for me. Truth is, I was the cheating spouse. In the end, I made the choice to stray outside my marriage and ultimately to tell my husband that I had moved on. In the months to follow -- years, really -- I was at the butt end of all the gossip. People were devastated. People were angry. It was my body that was going to be shot and buried in a deep hole. It was me that was the target for everything badly that ever went on in my relationship -- and even things that didn't. Very few people knew the private hell I had been living. Very few people knew the real me....and the real Sunshine. Yet, it was me.

I know now how ridiculous the hatred was and how hurtful the false accusations were, as well. I've grown so much from that point in my life. I know now that our relationship fell apart by things that both of us did. I know now that we both gave up. I know now that I am responsible for the hurts I caused and Sunshine is too. It's inappropriate for me to say anything to my friends at this point supporting the husband...but in so many ways I want to. It's been reeling on my brain, so on my blog, I'm going to write .... from the standpoint of the cheating spouse immediately after the incident, cause I own it... (deep breath.) Remember this is just from my perspective (I'm sure there are real douche bags out there -- but I was not one...)

Your cheating husband/wife loves you. They really do. It doesn't help that you don't think that this is love -- or that "you don't hurt the one's you love"...it's true. They are still as in love with you as they were XX (insert number) years ago when you fell in love and then when you married. In fact, they are still the same person that you married. You may have been able to overlook things before and now they are right smack dab in front of you. They are sorry about that. They are sorry ....so sorry...that you are hurting. They may not seem like it -- in fact, they might seem really happy. It's a joke. They hurt. They are struggling and sad and hate that this is happening. Even if they are still with the person that they cheated on you with, they worry if it's worth it. They worry if it can go anywhere beyond where it is now. They have this horrible pit in their stomach that is making it impossible for them to eat...to sleep....to think about anything... and they deserve it. They know it.

Your cheating husband/wife still loves your family. Your children are absolutely as important to them as they were before the infidelity. They want to KILL THEMSELVES for hurting the children. Even if your kids are little (or adult), they are struggling that they have put them in the category of becoming a "child of divorce" and even worse, that their image of marriage will forever be changed. They hate that they are going to be split between houses -- and that they won't see them 24 hours a day. They hate that one day those kids are going to ask them "why?" "how could you?" and perhaps take your side. They worry that they will be seen as less of a mother/father in the eyes of the kids. They are hurt by the reactions of your friends and family, too. While they know they deserve it to some degree, they wonder why no one asks them why they did it or how they are. You will all find out quickly who your true friends are and it's going to suck, for both of you.

They cry about losses. The loss of the love you once had. The loss of family. The loss of being intact. The loss of friendships. The loss of their reputation. The loss of their home. The loss of the dream. The loss of their own self-respect.

They are very sorry. They are hurt by the things you are saying -- that everyone is saying. Even worse, they are hurt by the looks, whispers, gossip and cruelness that is circling them. They want to scream that this is not out of the blue. They want to say that the relationship has been failing long before this. They want to say all the things that you have done wrong. They want to lash out at things you failed at or bring up past incidents. And, they will. They will because they are dying inside. They are feeling a mix of hatred for themselves, devastation of the betrayal of friends/family/you and a sense of inner pride that tells them to go down swinging. It's survival. It doesn't mean to hurt you further, or even to tarnish your reputation, it is just their way of trying to get through the day to day pain.

For now, it's totally understandable to find your inner bitch -- get angry -- get a lawyer. Freeze your assets. Protect yourself. And, if you decide to go to counseling, put it all on the line. Don't hold back -- say what needs to be said. Jump all the way into the pool... be vulnerable, but you have to be willing to forgive. If you can't, find a different road.

I know that none of this makes sense to you now, but in time, I hope it will. Fact is, if you share children, you will be in their life forever. So eventually, may you lose the anger, for he/she is deeply sorry. May you lose the sadness and find happiness, for they are forever striving to find the same. May you look back at your relationship and remember the good times because there were so many. May you wish them well because the golden rule pertains even in adult hood. May you love your children and try to remember that they love your (ex)spouse too -- watch your words, your actions because your children don't need to feel torn between mom and dad. Eventually, when you start dating again, choose wisely. In time, it will become easier to be in each other's company without crying or wanting to kill each other. But remember in moments of quiet alone time, they still miss what you had -- and perhaps, they miss you a bit too.

But don't expect them to show it.

Writing a million papers for school -- is going to greatly detour my real love of writing thus my blog will suffer.

That bites

the

royal

ding dong.

Too cool not to share.....

Leaving for Mexico tomorrow -- Oh, how my soul longs for the ocean!

I think I was born a beach bum....my favorite memories growing up involved the beach. Toes in the sand, breeze through my hair and smile on my face. I was just telling a patient about my home away from home, La Jolla, CA. I spent so much time there -- every chance we had -- which included every summer, every school break and even some quick weekend getaways. We were so innocent in those days...mom and dad at the beach, while I was **free** to roam whereever I wanted...and I did...hours at a time, all by myself. I still laugh about the huge waves that made my sister and I clasp on to each other's arm and try to duck under - both of us had to have been terrified - we were practically the only idiots in the water (and terrible undertow) but inbetween almost being swept out to the depths of a brutal ocean, we laughed whole-heartidly. I think if I could have peed my "pants," I would have....it still makes me laugh today. And, as an adult, I treasure La Jolla for so many different reasons. It's peaceful and beautiful. I have billions of pictures of my boys growing up just the way I did (although, they don't roam, like I did -- especially after Cole tried to disappear on me when he was 3....ugh) I just absolutely LOVE it there.

The beach just draws me to it. I'm funny. I like a COLD, desolate beach. Beaches in the winter are my FAVORITE. So, tomorrow, I will follow my heart back to the water in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. It's the place that I have now adopted as my new home. It's the place where I married my love with my children next to me, holding my hand and smiles on our faces. It's the ocean. It's the beach. And, I cannot wait to get there.

See, the ocean does something for me. It's vast and treacherous and makes me remember I am just a speck on this great Earth. Somehow, just remembering that puts my problems into perspective. Sure, things get tough, and I have difficult times, but we ALL DO. It makes me love my neighbors in life just that much more. An appreciation. An understanding. It also makes me feel STRONG. I feel like I can conquer everything. I have already in so many ways. And watching my boys play in the sand, or in the waves, makes my heart dance. They are the best of friends and I am the most blessed mamabear there is.

I simply can't wait...to charge up my spirit and dance in some moist, salty, ocean air.

Such a powerful reminder

It's never easy....but almost always appreciated.

Friday, Sept 30....and I'm feeling....well, I'll leave it at that. I'm feeling.

• Since I wrote last:

The Good:

• The boys had their parent/teacher conferences. Both of my children are equally fantastic. Of course, I already knew that, but it sure is nice to hear. Their grades are beautiful, but even more so, THEY are very well liked by their teachers and classmates. I'm raising smart, precious, mindful children and that means the world to me.


• Buddhism came up in Dane's conference. It's funny how those things happen. Then yesterday, my son jumped in the car very excited. "Mom, my teacher wants me to give this to you." It was a book, Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh and a Buddhist magazine called Shambhala Sun. I was moved. It's the small things and I am grateful for that.


• I finished both my cardiac and nuero recertifications for work just under the Oct. 1 deadline.


• The boys start fall break after today -- which, to me, means MEXICO!!! Can't wait to return to the place where our family circle was completed.


• Football is going great -- both boys are excelling on the field...and Baskin Robbins is happy about it. (They get a scoop of ice cream for each touchdown.) Dane actually "willed" a scoop to Cole last night as Cole ran out and REAAAALLY wanted two scoops...Dane has 4 in reserves, lol, but offered one of his credits to his little brother. Happiness all the way around. It was kind of a sweet moment, really.

The Bad:

• I've been very short tempered with Justin lately. I don't really know why, but I've been feeling less than my uber confident self and it shows. Self doubt...it's a painful thing. I guess having gone through so much bullshit, I have a very difficult time believing that true happiness is obtainable, so I sabotage it.


• At a very vulnerable time personally, Justin reconnected with his ex-wife and her son (that he raised for 8 years) via facebook. Innocent as it is, it's painful to me. His understanding of my feelings and actions taken to assure his love and commitment to our family has somehow got me feeling worse.


• My son's favorite coach -- and one of my favorite people -- has been let go from the organization due to some ridiculous differences in opinions. It's gotten ugly and a whole bunch of "he said/she said" nonsense that has people's feelings hurt and reputations tarnished. What it boils down to for me is that both of my boys are sad and there's nothing I can do about it.

Actually it feels better writing about it -- today, the boys are in school and then at Sunshine's for the weekend. I am going to read my new book, sit in the peace and quiet of my lovely home, perhaps get my nails/toes done and wait for my husband to come home to me. Tomorrow, we will go to Coolidge for both boys games. Sunday starts day 1 of 3 in a row at work and then VIVE MEXICO!!

It's been too long

There are a lot of things going on in this head of mine, however, I really don't know if any of it is bloggable material. Things have been really busy. Football has pretty much taken spot front and center in our lives. We love this time of year. If it's not Titan football (games and practices) for the boys -- it's fantasy football and the other football pool that we are in. And, there's is always work.... And, of course, there are the disappointments -- the things that people do and the feelings I tend to have towards those actions (and those people.) It's brutal. It breaks down my psyche. I need to be stronger than that. So I continue living and growing. There is a very fine line between putting myself out there - risking with the possiblity of greatness and putting a wall up -- risking loneliness vs finding safe solidarity. I have the hardest time letting go. I know that it is my issue, I place too much pride in friendships and bonds - sometimes people come into your life...to...leave. And, I have to leave it at that.

Someone once said to me, "pray about it." This person is just about the furthest from "GOD" that I know - doesn't believe in God...or himself, for that matter. Yet, I'm listening to his words, and holding on to a better time and hope for a better future... Praying about it.

I have been blessed...