"Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before." ~James Buckham

Today was a very difficult day for me. (roller coaster gaining speed)

I drove into work missing my children terribly. Our custody situation is 50/50 -- one week I have them 5 days (Wed, Thurs, Friday, Sat, Sun, and then drop them Monday morn) -- the next week I only have them Wed and Thursday and drop them on Friday. This is one of the latter weeks. It's always been this way. So, I've lived with this arrangement for close to three years. It hasn't gotten one iota easier. It's grueling not seeing them daily. Sure, I've gotten use to the perks -- at first, it's almost a novelty -- you plan everything around those days. "Oh the "me" time" you say. I will tell you, as a divorced,single, working, broke mother of two -- these weekends take all of my heart and soul and suck them out of me freely only to allow their return when the boys come hammering into the car, usually screaming at each other, but ultimately so happy to be coming home with me. Truth is -- those boys love the heck out of me...and they know that inside and out, I think that each of them individually (and the two of them combined) are really the shizniz (Mom, no, it's not really a word, but I was going to say " the beeswax" which, in all truth, I understand considerably less,so.....shizniz it is!!!) Anyway -- I'm missing them fiercely today. I'm also terribly frustrated that dear ex husband won't let them talk to me on "his" weekends fearing that it may interfere with his "family time."

Then I got to work. And, work is work. Sure, I love the health care field -- but I'm not a 100% certain that cleaning the hairy balls of an 86 year old man is what I worked most of my adult life for -- if that was my "dream" I think I need a better shrink! While at work I got a text from dear ex husband sayin that the money he promised that he paid into the courts last week wasn't actually paid at all -- and that he was going to be going to court to freeze child support entirely because he is unemployed and can't "do this anymore." Now, before you get tears in your beers -- I know poor. This man does NOT know poor. I have bills so behind that stuff is getting shut off. I can't afford GAS. My dogs haven't eaten dog food in at least a week -- and the boys, well...with the help of some friends, get the break from Ramen Noodles on occasion. I fucking KNOW poor. And, mind you, I saw the ring on his now fiance's finger -- and that does not ring POOR in my book. Nor do the Harley trips they take, their trip planned back to Wisconsin, or even getting your dog groomed, your new car detailed or the bar tabs, dinner bills, movie passes, water park passes, etc that you spend all your money on. Poor....psaw! Who is kidding who, here?

Then, whattya know -- a text from my not so dear ex-boyfriend. Truth be told, he's good at nailing the timing -- always has been able to smell the vulnerability on me like white on rice. (Another bizarre saying...and I usually eat brown rice, but for the time being, indulge me and my strange saying...)I'm upset and lonely and he knows that I don't have the boys -- which turned into meeting him for a beer -- which then truly did turn my beer into tears when I drove away realizing I am NOT MEANT to EVER see this boy again. Hurt. Pain. Heartache. Ugh -- who needs it -- and I tell him so when he texts me to say "thank you," I simply tell him "don't contact me again -- there is NO REASON TO" which (blah blah blah) prompts a call and as I break out in tears (yet again, grrr) explaining how delicate and fragile my emotions are -- and that I love him SO MUCH that I simply CANNOT see or talk to him again. I know, it's deep...and I was amazed he was actually trying to wrap his little brain around it. Wow...he's getting it! He actually understands for once what he has done to me. Wow...he may actually feel badly -- love me enough to let me go this time....and I talk and cry for a minute longer when...wait...is that really intense listening and acknowledgement?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz SNORING zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

......and I hang up on the two bit cheating good for nothing dirtball shame of a man..... Fucker.

So I start laughing -- crying and laughing -- Can God just thump me on the head any louder - just give me a wedgey and swirly at the same damn time and call it quits!? I walk into the bathroom notice I have 3 zits. I'm thrity fucking five years old with three zits. I'm the mother of two boys who only see me half of their life. My house smells like chihuahua piss- I have three dogs (and dog sitting a fourth,) ONE tortise (the other up and ran away. Really.) 1000000 fish and I can't feed any of us. I've got bills up the wazoo (really a wazoo!? What's that saying all about) I've got the NCLEX approaching quickly where I haven't studied a bit. I just got another speeding ticket. I'm driving a car that's keyed from front to back, CD player just broke, oil change is 6000 miles overdue. And it's all just plain ass funny material for me. WHO KNOWS where your life is going to take you. Funny. Just plain pathetic, but really funny as hell.

And so I sit, face mask on, trying to find purpose with some Godly music blaring in the background. I'm all alone. Lonely. Sad. And realize...this is a really hard process. All of it. The boys. Joel. Justin. Family. Friendships. Sadness. Loneliness. Happiness. Tears. Peace. Dating. Working. Surviving. Being. Wanting. Needing. Doing.

And this process is my life. I'm just doin me.....that's all I know how to do.

Just doin' me.