Wait!? I can pick my own topic!? NICE....

Two things are weighing on my mind a lot lately....divorce and Vietnam. Odd? Ya, I know. The divorce thoughts are not even directly because of the one I was so blessed to be a part of (snicker snicker) but moreso that of a few of my friends. I hear stories and my mind wonders back to a time when x, y, or z happened to me too. I am so disappointed in the husbands of these relationships and yes, I realize I am only getting one side of the story. I've also realized that the reason I am only getting one side is because only one person is telling me. LIGHTBULB MOMENT: My friends didn't necessarily pick a side in my divorce...perhaps, we picked it for them.

Anyway, that's entirely drab, so I will go on to my next topic. Vietnam -- further...what led up to the conflict, why the United States got involved and what the American people were told. I've always been very interested in the Vietnam war. Partly because it wasn't so long ago and the media has trash-hounded it like mad with movies, books, plays, songs (you get the picture) and partly because there were so many social implications that followed our involvement (and I'm a bleeding liberal heart). I felt I had a decent grasp on what went on over there but craved an unending desire to learn more.

uh, scratch that last part....

I have to take a history class for ASU -- the only general education requirement different than U of A's apparently -- and i figured "there's no better time than now to learn about something I'm actually interested in." (Take that as you will considering I'm enrolled in classes to get my BSN in Nursing...) So, I enrolled in HIS 456: The Viet Nam War.

This class is INTENSE. It's a 7 1/2 week course which spans from the 1945-1975. I know many of you don't realize what that means. It means in 54 days we will have to grasp what happened in 10.950 days (feel sorry for me yet?) It means we are studying the era from post WWII (the French involvement with Vietnam...Communism vs Nationalism) all the way through the increased involvment of the U.S from 1954-1964) to DIRECT US involvement in 1965 through the blood bath and political rhetoric from 1968 - 1973) and then post war ramifications from 1973 - 1975. (side note: it leads up promptly to my birthday....hehehe a good time to end the class...in 1975).

^I just learned that...not copied from my syllabus....really.^ Kinda impressed with myself.

Anyway, we are studying the time when Johnson and his government decided to quietly lie to the American people about why we were getting involved the way that we were --more than just financially, but by actually putting B52s up in the sky and our soilders on the ground. (I find it VERY interesting that this lying and manipulating led him to win another term of Presidency against Goldwater -- a staggering win of 62% or something -- when Johnson was taking all the steps to do JUST what GOLDWATER was saying needed to be done -- to ESCALATE war tactics...ugh, frustrating)

You guys, this was WAS SO CORRUPT from the get-go. At every turn there is misinformation and false promises. It is disgusting.

No, I won't bore you with politics or waritics (i like that term...just made it up) but I will say studying this class has hurt my brain -- and my heart. It has made me really THINK about the wars our country has been involved in, especially this Iraqi War of late. We are all fucking sheep. Sorry for the F bomb mama...it's true. We listen to the presidential speeches and read the scholarly articles in newspapers and magazines around the world -- what it comes down to -- we are not PRIVY to shit as far as information. If anyone truly believes that "their candidate" will follow through on the promises he/she makes on television (while wearing the perfect suit, perfect smile, having the perfect speech and perfect cookie cut hand wave)...you are delusional. WHO CARES WHAT THEY SAY! We will never know the chess moves they are playing. We will never truly understand the motives -- for each person carries different ones. We will never understand the true implications and cost -- because there is an argument everywhere you look "based on facts." We will NEVER know the lives that have been lost, the mismanagement of funds, warfare and power. We will never know about the laws broken, the treaties untrought (not a word but I'm rolling....) It's TERRIFYING! The best we can hope for is some teeensy bit of truth and some person at the helm believing we can be a better country because of x, y, and z.

It scares the shit out me. A lot of my disdain is because my husband is a US Army Veteran and very proud of his time overseas and I get paralyzed with fear thinking about it. I always assumed to be in the military you have to be a bit of a sheep....but I think THOSE men and women know more then we do -- then our neighbor does, than our damn President and Congress knows. WHO VOTES FOR THESE PEOPLE!! I'm just scared to death...

I have so much more to share....but I need to enjoy the 73 degree, beautiful Arizona Spring day....

...more to be continued...I assure you.

Day 30!!!!! A picture of someone you miss

MY DAD

John Francis Kealy 6/20/1944 - 8/16/2007

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

This is my baby...in all his magnificent, cocky, happy, modeling, slightly annoying, tad bit obnoxious, beautiful, loving, independent, bratty, sassy, funny, silly, full-of-attitude, Cole.

Everything about him makes me smile and this priceless shot shows how very spunky he is and how truly happy he feels inside.

My son. My love. My smiles.

Day 29 - A picture of something you're afraid of

This was the easiest to pick....then the most difficult to get a picture of....I swear I have the creeps! I hate these things.....how in the WORLD do people live where there are alligators??? I'm sorry Crocodile Hunter....you were a fool....may you rest in peace in some swampy marsh somewhere wrestling these giant beasts....please take them all, fulfill your afterlife.... YUCK!

Day 27 - A picture of you and a family member

This is my oldest brother, Johnny. (I say "oldest" with a smile -- he is a twin -- but alas, he was born first.) My brothers mean the world to me and they always have. They are 8 years older than I am but we have always been really close. I suppose maybe the age difference helped that be possible. When they were around, I felt like they were the coolest. Their friends wrestled with me and their girlfriends took my friends and me to 7-11 for Slurpee's and nerds. As we've grown up, I've counted on my brothers - for advice, for money, for help moving (LOL), for friendship or just for a beer.

I worry about Johnny. He is such a beautiful person -- I just wish he would take better care of himself. After my Dad died, JJ began putting way too much pressure on himself. Sure, he is a father-figure of sorts, but he is NOT responsible for any of us. His blood pressure is too high and he drinks too much. He lives a hard life. He works hard and plays harder. People LOVE to be around him. His personality is infectious. He has a way of making you feel like you are invincible. "We are the best of the best, Stone." He's known for repeating to me (Stone is my nickname) and he truly does believe we are meant for greatness simply by having the Kealy blood in our veins. My wish for him is that he will find a very special someone and settle down a bit. I would love to see him be a father (even in a step father role) and I wish he would take a more active role in his nephews lives. My kids think the world of him. Perhaps 2012 will bring JJ some peace and a solid base to stand on....

...and hopefully he will be around us all more.

Day 26 - A person of someone who means a lot to you

This one is really hard for me. I understand that is pretty strange. Of course there are the obvious answers -- my husband, my children, my mom, sisters, brothers...but those have all already been answered and blogged about. Maybe I'm getting tired of this little "day picture challenge" (there are 30 days in total, so I'm on the final stretch)...or maybe it's because so many people mean so much. I'm going to roll with this one:

Yup, that's me.

Now before you go and think I'm all self-absorbed, let me explain. This picture means the world to me. I remember EXACTLY what I was thinking at the time. Justin and I were forging a relationship when the world was against it. We went up north, just us two, to a place where my family always felt the closest. Our cabin. While we were there, amongst the laughter and love, we had the greatest long and serious talks. I remember bawling and telling him of things in my past that I wish I could forget and begging him to not let it change his vision of me. I remember him breaking down telling me of the visions in his head of the war he has fought and the lives he has seen leave this world. I remember us both sharing our dreams about the future, where we wanted our relationship to go, who we wanted to be (together and separately.) I remember feeling incredibly real and tortuously vulnerable, but feeling like we were in a bubble and that he made me feel safe. I wanted him to know everything about me and I wanted to know everything about him. More than that, I wanted us to be our truest, most authentic selves, and I really wished that we could figure out how to do that -- together. I think that was when I really fell in love with Justin. We went on a quad ride later that day, and stopped at this wishing fountain. I can promise you, my wish is continuously coming true.

This picture reminds me of how far I've come.

I do love my life. I love that I love hard and fall fast. It makes for a lot of pain in my world, however. Once you have made it into my heart (not always the easiest,) I don't forget you. It's happened to me time and time again...paths separate and lives lead totally different directions...but, I don't wanna let you go. And, I usually don't. It makes sense to me that I am still friends with all of my ex's...and am always the friend to remember birthdays and such...because they every person, every event...is etched in my heart, to stay. What therapy has taught me is that it is okay to love like I love as long as I am willing to long like I long and sometimes feel betrayed or hurt by people who don't do things like I do. What time has taught me is that there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I am me. It's in the air I breath and the blood that pumps in my veins.

I've always been a confident person. I know that I am not the prettiest, smartest, skinniest, bravest, truest, funniest, etc. person but I rank pretty high in all categories. :) What's important for the adult me to remember is that I have to face the "man in the mirror" and the God I believe will welcome my spirit one day and they deserve to be respected and honored. The people who I choose to surround me better lift me up and hope for the same in return. The people around me better guide me and nurture me without condemnation or duty because I want to do that for them. The people around me better love me and like me for they have already busted the walls down and are in my heart forever. The people around me better love themselves and be confident in who they are and when they are down, they better trust me when I say how beautiful they are. WE are worth it.

The people that I chose to be in my life....are my life. So when I see that person in the picture above, I know I was wishing that I'd find a life a worth. People of substance. Love to sustain. And, I prayed that I would be the woman that I am today...

So yes....that person is me. And *I* mean a lot to me.

My brother always tells me that "we are the best of the best." And, by damn, who am I to disagree?

Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day

Couldn't just pick one picture. It was the accumulation of all of it. My wedding day in Mexico. Getting married...as a family. And, then just truly enjoying each other on the beach. It was perfect. Truly perfect. Makes me smile thinking about it still....

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

It's becoming a real health issue. I am so bad on my body...my blood pressure is too high...I'm sure my liver is not so pretty....so January 2 (being realistic here) I'm going to take control of my fat. That means I need to make better choices and make better meals (which takes better planning.) It also means that I need to get my fat ass off the couch (or perhaps more appropriately...off the bar stool,) and exercise. I use to love going for walks. It's all about choices....

You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

We were assigned to read it in high school....in fact, my teacher, Mr. Barber, would read it aloud for us in class....while others slept, I felt it. It was a perfect fit for me. All my friends were dropping out of high school and I was beginning to feel more and more like education was not meant to be learned in a classroom. Have you read it? There were so many undertones that stressed the need of learning vs the need of having a social life in high school.

Mr. Barber -- He was my favorite teacher; it seems like everyone else hated him.... He understood me. Sure, he was a little inappropriate with the girls and sure, he might have been drunk half the time...but he meant well. And he taught well. He pushed me to write. He was the first person to tell me I had a gift. He said he felt my emotions when I wrote; I write, in a large part, because of him. It was also Mr. Barber who beelined for me after the announcement that my dearest friend, Aaron had died. He grabbed me and hugged me and said something that meant a lot to me at the time. The FIRST person who knew that Aaron's death was going to be a pivotol turning point in my life. When the year was over (Aaron died in Feb.) I asked him to sign my yearbook. My yearbook has since been burned in a fire, but from what I remember it told me to appreciate my friends and family. He told me to take the high road (first time I'd really heard that) and that I was smart and needed to make smart decisions. I wonder if he somehow knew I was treading on very shaky waters. I lived on those words for a long time. I wrote him a letter when I was in college just to thank him. I have no idea if he got it or not. Mr. Barber later got fired...I heard for being drunk....who really knows.... but he saved me that year...and should be recognized for supporting my love of writing.... anyway....

I read Catcher in the Rye again as an adult...it moved me more. A couple favorite passages....

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry." (24.60-62)

I just love that. Education to me was cut and dry but seriously, people, it isn't. It's much like this blog. Long after I am dead and gone, my children will read my words and learn something (perhaps) from the life I have led....KEEP RECORDS...it's so important to me....a legacy of sorts...and education worth learning.

And my most favorite....a quote that has lived through the times with me:

"Here's what he said: 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.'"

I love that.

Day 22 -- A picture of something you wish you were better at

BEING SUPERMOM!

I simply cannot do everything I wish that I could to be the kind of Mom I wish I was. I can't be in 2 places at once. (I can't fly to get there quicker either, even though I've been known to have quite the lead foot.) I am happy that I can provide a roof over their heads and food in the refrigerator, but that means that I have to work and be away from them and their activities from time to time. And even though I pride myself on my multi-tasking skills, I don't have 20 hands or a brain that can concentrate on both kids homework at the same time, so I am torn. Let's talk about homework for a moment...I have a college degree, a nursing degree and am currently getting more schooling, but sometimes, I have a pee brain when it comes to 6th grade math. I try to teach my boys respect, kindness and the golden rule, but I still cry with them when people are less than nice on the playground or on the football field. I'm proud of how I act and look, but I still tend to embarrass them when I cheer too loud, get a little PLC (parking lot crazy) or wear my PJs when I have to run into the office to drop off their lunch. And, while I might be able to fix their booboos or get us in quicker in the hospital ED, I can't cushion every fall and make them not get hurt. Today, I can give them a happy home, but I can't guarantee a happy future (the past has taught us that.)

I wish there was a way to be SUPERMOM for my children...

I've tried.

I've looked.

I've searched.

There just isn't....

so I'll leave you with my motto.

"I'm doing the very best that I can."

Day 21: A picture of something you regret

I'm not being silly here, either. This is a very sincere answer. Sure, there are many things I should have done differently; people I wish I didn't hurt. But, truly, my life is my life and I've lived every decision I've made (or done without thinking.) And, you know what? I'm okay. I'm better than okay.... I am happy. I am me.

.....the closest thing I have to regret.....is that my father knew I was getting a divorce when he died. Contrary to what you might think, I don't regret being married, or what led up to me not being married any longer. What I regret is that my dad....the man that means/meant the most to me was disappointed in me. Period. (crap, cue in the tears...again.) In his dying days, he would talk to me about Sunshine. The last few real conversations were about how hurt HE was that we were split. I hate that. I hate that those last days were shaded by my consumption of the devastation of the loss of my marriage and betrayal of my husband with someone I thought was a friend. My dad was a fiercely religious man and believed in the sanctity of marriage just as much. Oh hell, I know he wasn't perfect. He made many mistakes (my mom is the real angel here) but he loved 100%. When you were in his good graces, he never gave up.

He.......saw........me........give........up.

I'd like to think he is with me today....and that he sees that it was all worth it. But in my heart, I know that he would still want Sunshine and I together. He loved our love....and that says something. My dad truly loved us. I sometimes wonder if things would have been different if he lived...not that we would still be married, but I wonder if all the nastiness would have happened. Sunshine respected my Dad...and I sometimes wish that my Dad would smack him upside the head and make him see how truly disgusting and disrespectful some of his choices are. When my Dad died, I lost that. I lost having someone that would really go to bat for me. Plus, Dad knew about Justin, but never got the chance to know him. I know that if he met Justin and gave him a chance, he would love him. Justin is a hard worker. He lays it on the line. There is absolutely nothing that my husband wouldn't do for me....or my children...and my Dad would LOVE and respect that....

sigh...

Aw, it's all for naught (I love that saying!)...it is what it is (I hate that saying!)....

Life goes on.

Day 20 -- A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

HAWAII

It's always been a dream of mind to travel to Hawaii. It is the beach, the clear waters, the tropical paradise that draws me there. If NOT for the large commercial marketing and advertising push, the extremely expensive vacation packages or the hyped up costs for virtually everything you want to do, I would have made my dream a reality. At this point in my life, there are many (MANY) things I would rather (and that I should) spend my money on. However, I do hope for a time when money doesn't play such a large roll in my day to day life -- and then perhaps, I'll get there.

"I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand.

Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand.

Life is good today, life is good today." (ZBB)

Day 19: A picture and a letter

Honestly, I'm doing my Christmas cards -- and that's as close to a "letter" you are going to get out of me today.

It's a shame, really -- that the written word has been disintegrated into emails, twitter, facebook, texting, skype, etc... there is true beauty in a well written letter. Perhaps, I'll take up letter writing in the new year....or perhaps not.

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity

** Disclaimer: this is not me. **

But sometimes, truth be told, it may as well be.

I am a secure person -- almost, perhaps too secure. I always joke that I'm a reverse anorexic. I look in the mirror and see a skinny person.

I'm not kidding.

BUT...I hate my stomach. It's WHITE and jiggly....and, sure, it's housed two beautiful boys and god knows how many beers, but I just don't like it. It's scarred and stretch marked and I end up trying to cover it up all the time. I love my heritage, but i wish I got something else from my father....

There's it's out... (well, my stomach always was)...

do you feel better about yourself now?

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

I am currently taking classes at ASU to get my RN to BSN degree and it's taking every last minute of my free time. It's hard enough for this U of A graduate to even SAY I'm going to ASU much less post the symbol on my blog. It's exhausting and time consuming. I am writing papers about subjects I could care less about. It is not making me a better nurse...it's pissing me the fuck off. It's expensive and it's dumb and I just want it over.

...one more week...

Truth is, I just have Christmasitis -- it's kind of like Senioritis -- but worse.

Uhhhhh, fork 'em????

Day 16: A picture of someone who inspires you

The Dalai Lama

A beautiful soul that considers himself merely a "simple buddhist monk." This man and his demeanor are incredible to me. The kindness and compassion he holds is truly beautiful.

My spiritual journey is something that I hold onto fiercely. It is not up for debate nor is it worthy of such. I am finding my way to let goodness and love fill up my heart and hopefully feel a sense of peace with my surroundings. Buddhism has taught me to stop telling myself the story but to take everything at face value. That is not easy, my friends. As human beings we try to predict what will happen, "If I say XYZ, he will respond XYZ" or "He did this to me, he must be doing it because of that..." it's helped me insurmountably with Sunshine. I think I've villinafied him terribly. In truth, he's not that complicated and further, he wants happiness and desires not to suffer as much as I do. We can help each other be happy. We can lessen each other's suffering.

ya, it is powerful...but I suck and generally just wanna push his rude, pathetic fat ass down a flight of stairs most the time....

...hey, I never said I was perfect. :)

So that said, His Holiness inspires me to be better, be kinder, be simple. And when those times grace my life, I feel blessed!

So I'll leave you with a few of my favorite sayings:

Don´t try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist; use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are.

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you
can't help them, at least don't hurt them.

Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.

Ketika kita masih kecil dan setelah kita lanjut usia, kita sangat tergantung kepada orang-orang lain. Di antara masa itu, kita merasa bisa melakukan segala sesuatu tanpa bantuan orang lain, sehingga menganggap perhatian sesama tidak penting. Padahal dalam tahap ini perlu sekali bagi kita untuk memelihara cinta kasih yang mendalam antar sesama manusia. (just kidding, I just threw this one in to fuck with you.)

Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.

If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.

Every single being, even those who are hostile to us, is just as afraid of suffering as we are, and seeks happiness in the same way we do. Every person has the same right as we do to be happy and not to suffer. So let's take care of others wholeheartedly, of both our friends and our enemies. This is the basis for true compassion.

Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.

Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something,and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent.

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Whether one is rich or poor, educated or illiterate, religious or non believing, man or woman, black, white, or brown, we are all the same. Physically, emotionally, and mentally, we are all equal. We all share basic needs for food, shelter, safety, and love. We all aspire to happiness and we all shun suffering. Each of us has hopes, worries, fears, and dreams. Each of us wants the best for our family and loved ones. We all experience pain when we suffer loss and joy when we achieve what we seek. On this fundamental level, religion, ethnicity, culture, and language make no difference.

Time passes unhindered. When we make mistakes, we cannot turn the clock back and try again. All we can do is use the present well.

Instead of wondering WHY this is happening to you, consider why this is happening to YOU.

Day 15: A picture of something you want to do before you die

S K Y D I V I N G