By Jennifer Cullen on CafeMom’s blog, The Stir

It doesn’t matter how amicable your divorce is or if you were the one who initiated it, divorce flat-out sucks.

1. You will never feel like a "normal" family again. Even if you re-marry and do a great job of blending your new family.


2. You will have so much less of a say in parenting your children. And that will frustrate you.


3. Friends and family members will forever take sides. Even if adultery and abuse were involved.


4. People, even those you meet years after your marriage has ended, will look at you differently.


5. At some point, you will want to have sex. There will be plenty of people willing to set you up. Let them.


6. Money will always be an issue between you and your ex-spouse. Even if you have a lot of it.


7. Your children will find out at some point who initiated the divorce. And they will not be happy with that parent.


8. You will have frequent differences with your ex. After all, there's a reason you're not still together.


9. When you wake up in the middle of the night, one of the first thoughts to run through your head will be, "Are my kids here tonight?"


10. No matter how broken your heart may be, you will want to date at some point. Don't push yourself to get back out there too soon.


11. Do not, under any circumstances, bad-mouth your ex to your kids. Sometimes, it's really hard not to, but it'll come back to bite you in the butt.


12. Being divorced gets easier every single day.


13. You will miss some of your kids' lives. And that is sad. You'll do what you can to minimize this.


14. People will always want to know what went wrong the first time. Don't be surprised if one of their theories questions your ex-husband's sexuality.


15. You will still share a life with your ex after the papers are signed. In fact, it's just the beginning of a lifetime of shared experiences which will include graduations, birthdays, weddings, and even grandchildren.


16. Over time, you will tell your friends about the perks of divorce. The Thursday night date nights, the extended childless vacations, lazy weekend mornings. But deep down, you'll always be saddened by being away from your children. Until they're teenagers.

Parenting 101

A L w A y S   M a K e   T  i M e   F o r    Y o u R   K i D s!! 

 

 

"Bully"

Dane asked me to sign a permission slip so that he could participate in watching a PG-13 documentary in his Connections class on bullying.

As any good parent (who is off of work, out of school and has the time) would do, I thought to myself:   "Self, you should watch that film so you can engage your 7th grader in further conversation and aide in his growth." 

....sorta.

Truth is, I was having cocktails in the pool with some dear girlfriends this past weekend when one of them (who will remain unnamed but is notably one of the best teachers/coaches/mentors that I know) mentioned the topic of bullying.  She has said that she was having difficulty receiving buy in from her other junior high teachers to try and help build the movement against bullying.  I was really sad at this news.  We all know that it happens everyday.  My children have seemingly escaped the wrath of school bullying thus far -- but my interest in bullying is still a personal one and the timing of Dane's permission slip made the hairs on my arms perk up and take notice.

See, I was a mean, mean, kid.

I don't know why I did it.  Looking back, it wasn't that I really thought that I was better than anyone else or that I really wanted anyone to suffer.  I think, perhaps more than anything, I did it because I was succumbing to peer pressure.  In one case, I turned on a lifelong friend and did/said horrible things.  In that case, I'm certain I was jealous.  Either way -- I am sure that I hurt people deeply and worry that those kind of scars never truly will heal.  I was young, and dumb, but didn't want that to be used as an excuse.  In my adult years, I reached out to a couple of the people I was less than kind to (facebook is awesome) and apologized.  I had to put my uneasiness at rest.  I don't know if I helped them at all -- or if they ever even thought about it -- but it did ease my mind a bit.

Either way, my personal history has allowed me to have a very open dialogue with my children about bullying.  I feel like we have talked about what to do if people are mean to them.  You can stand up for yourself, tell a grown up or if push comes to shove, SHOVE HARDER.  (yes, I give them permission.) We've also discussed the importance for sticking up for the small guy.  Well, this movie will allow that conversation to grow.  Thing is, people, there are so many different kinds of bullying.  This documentary specifically discusses the life of 5 children in all aspects of bullying.  There is the quiet kid that just takes it, the gay young woman who is determined to change the world, one girl who fought back -- with her mother's handgun -- to bullies on the school bus winding herself up in juvenile detention and  two children that tragically ended their lives because of it (one by hanging himself and one by shooting himself.)  Further, it talks about the kids that were doing it to them, the grown ups that turned away from it or just didn't know, and the law that pretended the problem wasn't there.  These kids were not only being teased, poked, choked or prodded by their peers, but then the system let them down and parent went blind.

I am so super happy that Dane will be watching Bully.  I decided to email his teachers and his principal:

Hello!  I signed Dane's permission slip to watch the documentary, "Bully,"  this morning for his 7th grade connections class.  I decided that I should watch it, as well, to help facilitate the conversation on the home front.  WOW!  I would like to take the time to say THANK YOU for giving our children the opportunity to watch such a powerful film.  I have a good relationship with my son and have discussed bullying in depth (mostly cause I was a mean, mean kid.  Ugh.) I am certain that this movie will strike a chord with him and with his classmates.  You have no idea who you could be protecting -- or better yet -- who's life you may be saving by putting this topic out there for discussion and awareness.

Often our teachers aren't given the props they deserve, so I wanted to say THANK YOU for taking the initiative to stand up to bullying. 

I'm guessing no one will really care -- maybe this is merely the time when the end of the school year is near and the teachers are screaming for a movie day so they can breathe.  Either way, The Bully Project and it's movement are worthy of our attention and praise.  Children NEED to see it -- families NEED to discuss it -- and schools NEED to be proactive.

Therefore, I applaud my boy's school. 
Stand for The Silent.

Hey Facebook, delete me!

It's been brought to my attention that I am "almost too positive,"  "too happy," or that we are "too in love,"  and that my family "seems too perfect" and perhaps I should "brag less so people don't feel worse about themselves."

Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.

So I'm going to bring it to blog land with the intentions to put my mind to rest about it.

The truth is...you know nothing about me if you think any of those things.  You see, we are not friends.  We aren't real life friends, online friends and probably not friends on paper, either.

You don't know about the struggles I have had.   You don't know about the personal demons that always tempt me.  You don't know about my weaknesses or my pain.  You don't know about my childhood.  You don't know about my horrible divorce.  You don't know about the bitter betrayal of a close friend (who went on to marry that ex-husband).  You don't know about the loss of many friendships.  You don't know about the children I've lost, or any of the pregnancies I have had that were wrought with fear and tears.    You don't know that my Dad died when I needed him the most and you mustn't know how devastating his loss has been for me on an everyday basis.  You don't know about how I struggled to find myself.  You don't know I lost a job that really mattered to me.  You don't know about my legal troubles.  You weren't there when I broke off an engagement months before the wedding.  You haven't wiped away my tears or heard my screams of disappointment.  You have no idea about my depression that ultimately almost took my life.  You have no idea how close I was.  You know nothing about the lingering panic attacks and anxiety.  You didn't see me struggle through nursing school, painfully, amidst blood sweat and tears while working full time and losing precious time with my children. You don't know about my financial situation then (or now.)  You don't know how I packed up what was left, walked away from my bankrupt life and went home to my mom's house with my tail between my legs.  You don't know about my job or how demanding it is physically and mentally to be a nurse.  You don't know about my health conditions.  Specifically, you don't know about my cancer history, or my blood clotting conditions.  You don't know how disruptive my relationship with my ex-husband is for my life and my poor children.  You don't hear the conversations I have with my boys about their worries and fears. You don't know about the worry I have for my loved one's health that literally is fading away in front of my eyes.  You don't know how terrified I am (almost paralyzed with irrational fear) that something will happen to someone I love.

You don't know my children, either.  You don't know how resilient these boys are.  You don't know the confusion that they had when the divorce happened.  You didn't see their tears when they asked me why Daddy was kissing my friend.  You don't know how difficult it was for them to bounce from one house to another.  You didn't see them struggle and forget things here and there and still get berated for it.  You didn't see them when they cried themselves to sleep, or begged me to stay home when I had to get to school or work.  You didn't see them juggle their time and space when I couldn't be with them.  You haven't heard their problems.  You weren't there when we lost our electricity and moved across town with Grandma.  You weren't up with them at 4 in the morning so they could get to school on time.   You haven't seen the bald spots from anxiety, paid extra bills for the broken bracket on the braces (more anxiety).  You haven't seen them both strive for perfection, sometimes getting it and sometimes not.  You don't know their hearts.  You don't know their struggles.

And you certainly don't know my relationship with my husband.  You have no idea how hard we fought for this love.  You don't know why we started or why we continued.  You don't know about his military service, couldn't imagine the things he's seen and done.  You don't know about the physical fights and harassment we endured from my ex.  You don't know our legal troubles from bad decisions we have made.  You don't know how the job losses or house relocations nearly destroyed us.  You don't know how we struggled to get me through nursing school.  You don't know how many times we broke each other's heart by trying to figure out who we are and what we wanted.  You don't hear about any infidelities, lies, pain and hurt.  You don't remember us breaking up "for good" cause you weren't there for either of us.  And, you don't remember when we rekindled.  You aren't there for the counseling sessions and you don't wipe away our tears from past hurts.  You haven't been there for the numerous pregnancy losses, each one more painful then the next.  You haven't been there for the family hospitalizations and family dramas with drugs, jail, and everyday nonsense.  You aren't there in the middle of the night when his night terrors are full force literally shaking your from your sleep with no end in sight.  You don't see our bank account.  You don't pay our bills.  You don't hear our conversations about worries and the future. In fact, you have never helped us up, only tried to push us down.

So, while, I don't feel the need to always defend myself, per se, to the negative people, I will say that you don't know us...we are not friends.  With that in mind, I'm cleaning "facebook" house and I encourage you to do the same.  See, the thing here is this: I am super positive and blessed by God to live this life I'm leading.   I am happy.  My life is really great. I am madly in love with my husband and find him more beautiful (and sexy) with each passing moment.   Right now, nothing is perfect, but it's all perfect for me.  I also know that it won't always be this way.  I live a life of high highs and low lows.  I've never been one for mediocrity and I don't expect that to change.  I've learned a lot in counseling.  I have learned that I will always be a work in progress.  Our counselor jokingly said that Justin and I both have OCD and ADD.  "Everything has to be perfect, you just don't know how to keep it that way for very long."  :)  It is inherently true and that makes our relationship -- our lives -- an experience not for the faint of heart--, but it is ours.  <3>

I do however feel a bit guilty about the last thing.  If, in fact, my happiness makes you feel bad, that just sucks.  So please...do yourself a favor and delete the heck out of me so you won't need to feel any worse.

....nothing in the world would make me happier.  :)

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 42 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...

14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

22. The most important sex organ is the brain.

23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

25. Always choose life.

26. Forgive but don’t forget.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..

31. Believe in miracles.

32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

34. Your children get only one childhood.

35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

39. The best is yet to come...

40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

41. Yield.

42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

 

Well intentions

I have a friend that is battling cancer.  She started a caringbridge site -- thank God, too...cause I stalk her like crazy.  I think about her non-stop and while we are keeping in touch -- I know how sick she is and how crappy she feels.  I am scared that my calls, visits or even emails or texts can get annoying -- after all, I'm just one of me -- and she is a cool ass chick, so I'm sure she's overwhelmed by so many, even if it's well-intentioned.

So this morning, I was was stalking her...and realized that my Dad's site is still viewable.  So I ventured to his last days -- and the tears flowed freely.  Crazy how time makes you forget some of the details.  Plus, I wasn't a nurse yet -- so I didn't realize what all those things meant.  Perhaps that is what they mean by "time heals."  You know...the things said by the well-intentioned?

And, I sit here -- unwilling to let another person in my life pass to such a horrible disease.  My friend is a fighter and was able to remove the cancer before fighting with her life with an almost deadly (though well intentioned) chemotherapy.  My Dad never really had much of a chance and the fight was fast.  I am grateful for his short suffering and would like to think that at that point in my Dad's life (and maybe even in ours) God was, in fact, well intentioned. 

hm

Day 20: Sports

Sports are very important to me.  I love to be active and watch others being active.  It was practically pumping through my veins as a child.  My family is a huge football family.  I have very fond memories of huge (and I mean HUGE) Nebraska Huskers parties.  I always thought my Dad kind of resembled Herby the Husker.  :)

I grew up playing soccer.  In Junior High, I added in basketball and volleyball.  In high school, I started diving.  My boys play sports -- and I love that in addition to being so good at them, they really enjoy them.  Soccer, football and now wrestling takes up a lot of our free time.  I wouldn't want it any other way - it's a great way to grow up and have things in common with your parents/your child.

I have vivid memories around the football fields watching my brothers too. In fact, that is when I became a Packer fan.  My brothers played Pop Warner for "The Packers" -- I was all of  4 or 5 and started my love and loyalty for the green and gold back then.  And, today, my favorite Packer announced he is retiring.  Although that makes me sad, Donald Driver is such a class act.  I couldn't be happier for his loyalty and dedication to the Green Bay Packers -- and for keeping it classy.  (Still question the "Dancing with the Stars" commitment, but hey, he won!  LOL)  Anyway....thanks #80 -- and I, personally, will miss you!

Day 19: Fireworks

When I was growing up, we spent the fourth of July at our cabin in Nebraska.  We had the biggest and best firework shows there...ever.  My parents must have spent a fortune on things that literally went up in smoke in the matter of seconds.  It was there that I learned to light them off, fire them at my brothers and sisters, and heard the BOOM of m80s, 100s and even 1000s.  My Dad delighted in throwing a package of blackcats at our feet during dinner and I often awoke from my nightly slumber to cracks of fireworks and the peaceful smell of smoke bombs.

(I was going to write about how I literally saw and felt fireworks when I first kissed my husband....I mean it -- it was like the stuff cartoons are made of....but I'll refrain... well, sort of.)

Day 18: Wild at Heart

Today is Martin Luther King Day.  I am a big fan of his....and believe in my heart that I would have walked beside him in his plight for equality.  It takes a wild heart, a brave soul, a determined courage, a never ending love and a dream -- we cannot forget the dream.

Some of my favorite quotes from a beautiful man:

Quotes by Martin Luther King, Jr.:
*Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. 

*I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear. 

*Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

*I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

*The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

*A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.

*Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.

*A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.

*An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

*In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

*Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

*Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.

*A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan.
*Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

*We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

*The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.

* A lie cannot live. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Day 17: Graveyard

Of course this reminds me of my Dad.

Back in the day, I was home from college and in the car with my parents, when my Dad told me he wanted to show me something.  We pulled into the cemetary.  "Strange," I thought.  Dad drove around to the back and we all got out of the car.  He came up next to me and said, "I just bought this land for your Mom and I."  "Ew, Dad, this is creepy."  He laughed his silly cackle laugh, put his arm around me, spun me around softly and said, "Look, you can sit here and visit us, and have a perfect view of Camelback Mountain!"  "Ok, great, can we go now?"

And, that's the truth.

So, there lies my Dad...and when I visit, I gaze up to the huge mountain and can almost hear him say, "I told you so."

Always the thinker, that man.

(Here is a picture of me, my brothers, and my baby boy wishing him a Merry Christmas with a bottle of Jack -- you can't see the mountain in this picture though...cause...well, duh!...we're looking at it!)

Day 16: Different World

Day 15: Books

(I actually just got some -- my school books just came in the mail -- here we go again.  boo!)

I am not a huge reader -- I like books that tend to make me better.  I like the books that are more along the self-help type.  I started reading them a very long time ago -- things that make me happy or make me think differently.  After the divorce, I read them more to help me make sense of the struggle I had created and help empower me to take control of my life and create happiness.  In my quest for contentment, I stumbled across Buddism and my reading took off.  There are a lot of awesome books out there about Buddhism.  I've read several.  The Storms Can't Hurt the Sky was an UNBELIEVABLE BOOK that helped me actually start to get along with my ex-husband a bit.  I really should read it again, as we are at odds yet again...as evidenced by the current book on my nightstand...