9/11

It's still so painful.  I remember the devastation of that day...the loss of so many lives.  But time also has a strange way of making things fade - pain lessen, somewhat.  So always, on this "anniversary" of sorts...I like to re-read a letter I wrote to Dane the morning after it all happened (he was 14 months old).  You know me...I write.   So, I thought I'd share:

September 12, 2001

Dear Dane,

It's the day after a horrible event that rocked our country's foundation. Terrorists attacked America. Planes were hijacked and used as weapons against the people here. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Center (twin towers) in New York. One crashed into the pentagon; another crashed about 80 miles out of Pittsburgh. All of them were commercial airlines with normal day to day passengers aboard. The death toll is easily in the thousands. Many people lost their lives yesterday. This will change our nation. You will read about this in your history books -- your children will too, and so will theirs. I feel the need to write to you and let you know how much this has impacted me. I want to bring emotion to the day that you may not receive reading some textbook. Oh dearest Dane, I will never be the same.

Joel, your daddy, called me on his way to work and said, "Oh God, Kristen, turn on the TV." When I did...I simply couldn't believe what I saw. TV cameras actually had footage of the planes diving into the towers...Oh the fire and debris! I was glued to the TV all day yesterday. On of my best girlfriends, whom I was going to see in SF this weekend, works M-F in Newark. The night before all this went down, she called to say, "I am going to try and get an earlier flight back home." When I heard one of the doomed flights was Newark to San Fran...I almost threw up.

Luckily she is ok......But it so easily could have been different. It was for so many people...and, in the coming days and months I am sure to hear of many people with direct ties to the dead. I may very well know someone.

I am disgusted by the cowardly act -- literally cried and hugged you a hundred times yesterday. I thought about bringing another child in this world and for the only time in my life, thought, "maybe not." I was terrified wondering WHERE the "unaccounted for" planes were, wondering if one of them could actually strike us...Heartbroken thinking of those people on the planes and in each of the towers....Those that called their families before the died....Those that didn't...Their fear. Shocked to see the WTC fall down in one giant mushroom cloud....So incredibly crushed that those firefighters, policemen/women and triage helpers all were injured/or died in the debris. I was Angry --wanted revenge...."We need to just bomb the hell out of them!" I didn't really care who "them" was -- and still don't know for sure. I was just absolutely devastated...My tears fell on your beautiful face over and over again.

Today I awoke feeling like yesterday was a dream. I am not close in proximity to New York or Washington DC -- but I am there in so many ways. I am there in the mother that won't hold her children again. I am there in the wife that won't see her husband again. I am there as a friend who lost a loved one. I am there as an employee who lost a great many coworkers and possibly a livelihood. I am there as an American, who experienced a tragedy. I am there.

We still aren't certain who did it....U.S. Officials quickly began focusing on fugitive terrorist Osama bin Laden as the architect of the devastation. This morning, bin Laden congratulated the people who carried out the deadly terrorist strikes on the United States, but denied that he was involved. Who knows who did it for sure....and who knows what will happen when we actually find out.

Yet, I am grateful for the lives saved....the families that will be reunited. I am grateful for MY FAMILY...the love that we have that will continue to grow. I am inspired by the coming together of our nation - the prayer groups, the blood donations, the all togetherness of it all. And today, I will hold you and love you and tell you everything will be ok...and it will be....somehow -- someway.

Continued thoughts and prayers go out for everyone,

I love you,

Mom

Sigh.  It just makes it so fresh to me -- and allows the tears to fall that I  feel are justified as time marches on and makes it bearable.  Since then, I've learned that I did in fact personally know someone who died in the towers that day -- and I've also come to meet another who's brother and best friend also died that day.  I know that time has a way of lessening the devastation -- but I feel like today -- we need to stop and remember what it felt like that day and honor all those lives that were lost.  We need to remember the fear, but also celebrate the patriotism that came from that day.  I also feel like it's imperative that we STOP and thank someone from our military who defend our lives everyday.  I'm going to go on a walk on this early rainy Arizona morning and while I count the flags on the houses in the neighborhood, I'm likely going to get soaked in thankfulness.   Thankful for my children.  Thankful for my husband.  Thankful for my family.  Thankful for my freedom.  Thankful for my country.  Thankful for the lesson.