This has been burning a hole in my brain all damn day. One half of me completely agrees. One half of me completely disagrees. There was the time in a state diving meet in high school -- when I was really doing suprisingly well...and the dive was coming up that I dreaded...a one and a half twist flip. I hated those twist flips. I'd done them, never very well though and so it just made me nervous. All I had to do was an average dive. I was so nervous and completely talked my way out of success. I don't know what happened...my approach was good, initial bounce was perfect, started the flip, hands in place and my body just sort of flopped. I landed after a flip and 3/4 -- majorly overrotated and didn't so much barely "twist." I hit the water and heard the "oooohs" and then heard the announcer state "FAIL DIVE" -- I wanted to drown and attempted to stay under water until all the whispers subsided. When I finally did surface, my dad and sister were by the wall - disappointed but worried about my ego. That was pretty much the end of that meet for me. It took me years to talk about it -- so angry with myself. I beat myself in that meet and I hated it.
Years.
But now I can sort of laugh about it -- confirming to me that I am in fact over it -- and further reminding me that not everyone in my high school is still talking about it. :)
But then I think of the almighty divorce and when I speak of it -- speak of the demise of my marriage and speak of the end of my strongest friendship yet, the end of my dream and the end of my family as it was, I still hurt deeply. I have deep sadness when I see the weathering it's had on Sunshine's face and the changes I've made in his soul. I have terrible sorrow when I think of my children and what they've been through -- what they will go through -- and how our decisions to end our marriage may effect their relationships in the future. It literally PAINS me.
I'd not like to believe it is because I have not healed, however, and that is where my conflict has resided today.
I had a conversation with a great friend who has also been through a divorce about this saying today which brought a bit of clarity to me. It went something like this...
"the saying sounds about accurate. there are some things that initially are just too painful to talk about. over time it becomes easier. i know for me, when i can finally talk about something then i have moved past it."
"what about your divorce?
cause it still causes me pain
(not YOUR divorce, pighead, but mine...LOL)"
"mine is still painful to talk about. i seriously don't ever think i will ever get over it. does anyone ever really get over a divorce? i don't think so. i think it will always be a source of pain. that is just my opinion...."
"so you are saying you will never heal?
even though I'm remarried....and so is he...we are clearly moved on....
still hurts.
but does it hurt cause of MY HEART or cause of HIS....or a promise broken...or disappointment....or is it cause of the kids.
"things that make you go hmmmmmmmm"
"I will heal, but there will still be effects. I broke my leg in high school and it healed. however, there are times when it still causes me pain...."
And just like that -- a lightbulb went off in my head and it all made sense.
Much like the anticipation for a beautiful dive that I believed I could do well....my approach to my marriage was flawless and the beginning was right on, but somewhere in the middle things just got messed up. The ending was much more devastating than the pain of the water, the "oohs and ahhs" were more frequent, yet still terribly saddening, the disappointment from my family and my "team" were literally too much to handle.
Divorce isn't just "one of life's pains." It is the most brutally, awful, degrading, depressing, downright disappointing time ever and yet so many people do it. So it makes sense to me that it will creep up and smack me in when I'm not expecting it.
How I react is proof that I've healed.
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