I am no longer pregnant.......

and you probably didn't even know I was. I'm sorry for that.

Forewarning: This blog sucks. I am extremely sad. No matter how I try to turn the facts, it still sucks and I'm still sad....

This blog is for me. This blog is for Justin. This is all we have left of the baby and all I can do to "remember" him/her.

It all began when I made an appointment to get the Essure (permanent birth control.) I was very happy with my two children. At the time I made the appointment, Justin and I were not quite back together and there was no one else in this world that I would have wanted to have a child with, so it seemed like an appropriate thing to do. After a lot of soul searching, counseling and facing our feelings, we decided to get back together. He didn't want me to do something so permanent and we had some good conversations about it. The truth is, Justin really wants a child of his own -- but he told me that he was happy with Dane and Cole as well. I changed the appointment once so we could be sure and was then instructed to go off the pill. My job finally started to pan out and I was set to start orientation on the day that I had my appt for the Essure. I cancelled the appt. I told the Dr. I was going to go back on the pill. I waited for my period to begin to start my packs -- and it never did.

November 9th:



Absolutely shocked! I felt like I might be pregnant. I had those ligament pulls and tender boobs -- but still, there is nothing quite like finding out for sure. What a range of emotions. This was certainly very different from the other times I was pregnant. I wasn't married. I was actually dating a man that my family didn't approve of. My life was just getting back on track. Justin and I both giggled in nervousness. I could tell he was VERY happy which made me believe everything would be ok.

We ended up telling my family -- which wasn't easy. There were tears and hurt feelings -- and while I understand everyone's trepidation with the relationship Justin and I have, it isn't the way a baby should be introduced into the family. The thing that is GREAT about my family (and friends) is that they love me. And that love we have for each other is greater than anything else. Quickly, everyone began to see the baby for the great things he/she could bring. I had so many hopes and dreams. Maybe this would be my girl. This baby was promise and a new beginning. Sure, I was scared. I was scared of my age (I am going to be 36) and worried about my body. I didn't know how the boys would deal with the news...there were so many unknowns -- but front and center was love and excitement. When the boys found out -- Dane was very excited. He said to Cole, "now you will see what it's like to be the big brother and blamed for everything." LOL -- Cole cried....dramatic..."My whole life is going to change." My baby. Being the baby myself (and enjoying that role,) I can sympathize with him.



The next 6+ weeks were a roller coaster. First they didn't see a baby in the sac. Then the baby wasn't measuring right. HCG quants and ultrasounds weekly -- progress every week. Hope. I figured it was just the way I do pregnancy -- nothing is ever easy. But week after week, the baby was growing, levels increasing. I was throwing up and sleeping a lot. My boobs hurt and I was peeing more than usual. I was getting so healthy too. I just really thought that this baby was going to defy all the nay sayers and be exactly what we needed -- a true blessing from God.

Well yesterday was yet another ultrasound with the fateful words, "there is no heartbeat." What a blow! Holding Justin's hand, I could almost feel the air rush out of us. I wasn't really shocked. It's my body after all -- and things weren't really progressing "normal" but nothing ever prepares you for that news -- when you want that baby so much. I've been through this rigamaroll before -- the conversation with the doctor. The sympathetic eyes, the "I'm sorry's" and all the medical jargon. The baby is gone....and I'm just going thru the motions.

Tuesday, December 21st will be another D&C. The doctor does them in her office (thank god). She wants to know why my body never clues into the fact that the baby has died. My crappy body still thinks it's nurturing a healthy fetus -- no spotting, no cramping. In January, she wants me to do an autoimmune workup. We especially want to do one if we are considering trying for another baby.

...trying for another baby...

sigh.

Today -- I just want the one in my belly. I want this baby, damnit -- with all the trials and tribulations we have gone through already. I am so sad. So angry with my stupid body. Ashamed that I can't do this for Justin. Devastated that I had to explain it to my children. I said the cliche, "God just takes care of it the way he sees fit." and Cole said, "he kills babies?" Oh geez..... Cole cried. Dane thinks. He asks questions. Cole finally said, "so Mom, next time we can all decided to have another baby instead of just you and Justin, right?"

Yes, Bobo.... next time you will know...if there is to be a next time.

For now, I'm going to just be sad. I'm going to just get thru Tuesday and start healing.

Another baby in heaven....

...hope my Dad is enjoying her.