The Road That Has Risen To Meet Me

Today finds me in a place of longing yet again...this morning I awoke, tossed and turned due to the million thoughts running through my head and eventually found myself fling off the side of the bed onto my knees to begin praying. It's a familiar place for me. I pray daily -- multiple times daily -- but in desperation, I literally fall to my knees and plead my case. It's slightly pathetic -- I suppose, I know that He will listen regardless of my stature -- however, it feels REALLY real when I pray like I did when I was a little girl.

It began as the same conversation I have daily with Jesus -- then it turned into a full out tearful BEGGING session. I want this. I want this badly. Please Jesus, let this happen. Let it all work out. Show me the way. Open my heart, open my eyes, make me feel your blessings. Let everyone open their hearts. Stop the judgement. Make this work. Make this work. Make this work.

My future....my relationship...my children....the new house....money...my life.

When I crawled back into bed, I took a huge deep breath and wiped away my tears. I realized something...I don't thank Jesus enough. I feel like I'm always in need -- wanting something, praying, wishing, holding out hope that I can somehow PRAY my life into what I want it to be. The thing is, folks, my life is already planned out in God's book. And thus far, He's been right on.

It's been a very trying few years. I've cried and hurt more than I ever thought possible. It seemed that every dream I had about my life was disintegrated in front of my eyes. And, it seemed right when I was coming out of the fog, something kicked me back down. But looking back now, I see blessings everywhere. I've found an inner strength that I had NO IDEA existed. You simply don't know how strong you are until there really is no other choice. I found some really true friends. I said "goodbye" to some very toxic relationships and I learned to fight for others with a tenacity and determination that even surprised myself. I graduated from nursing school, am employed with an excellent hospital, with awesome coworkers, and I get to make a difference one patient at a time. With that, I accomplished the first real dream I ever remember having -- I wanted to be a nurse since I was a little girl. And amidst all the trials and tribulations, I am continuing to raise the most perfect boys. They are still boys -- still play and fight and get dirty and get hurt -- but they are real gentlemen. They are the very best of their father and the very best of me wrapped up in two deliciously beautiful bodies. The best part is -- they both are individually figuring out who they want to be in this world and making good choices to be the men I always hoped they would become. Wow.

So here I sit: yes. There are so many things I want (and Jesus, you heard all about them this morning) but I will now take the time to say, THANK YOU.

Thank you for my life. Thank you for making me feel your presence in my life daily. Thank you for forgiving me and showing me that I can forgive myself. Thank You for loving me enough. Thank You for making me believe that I am worth it. Thank You for giving me the tools to survive and the courage to ask for help. Thank You for my family. Thank You for my relationship. Thank You for my children. Thank You for the blessing of another chance. Thank You. Thank YOU... THANK YOU.

(phew! Now, I ask, please, can we get that house??!!)

:)