September 28th -- time has been flying by

Here I sit in Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm currently living with my Mom. I thought it was going to be much worse, truth be told, but it is actually quite nice. I really am hardly ever here and she accepts that I'm an adult. I follow her rules and she allows me my space. She is an amazing woman and I am grateful that she opened her home to me and my boys. I like living in the Arcadia area again. The streets bring back such memories even if most of the homes are unrecognizable. I spent my entire childhood riding on these roads, playing in these houses and figuring out who I was going to be in adulthood. It's familiar. TeePee is around the corner. I even hiked Camelback Mountain this morning. I don't plan on staying long around here -- so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

The move was tough. Packing up my old house brought all sorts of emotions of which I was unprepared. The weeks were dark leading up to the move. I suppose packing was different when I left my last house -- the divorce was final and I was moving on with someone I deeply loved. This time -- there was no divorce (because there was no marriage) and I was alone. I was moving home to mama -- on a weekend when my ex-husband was getting married and I just felt defeated. It was a closure on a piece of my life I wasn't ready to put closure to - to (what I deemed) was going to be the loss of my independence, the acceptance of failure of some sort and the realization that I did not have anyone by my side helping ease the blow. It was lonely...and I've come to find out, I don't deal well with loneliness.

In the month that I have been here -- the smile has returned to my face. I've worked out the kinks with the Arizona State Board of Nursing and officially got an RN position on 7N. I work on the only certified stroke unit in the East Valley. With this position, I will learn how to do CAPD exchanges (dialysis), become certified in stroke care, nuero analysis, EKG, cardiac monitoring, etc. It's a fantastic opportunity and an amazing place to JUMP to other specialties. I am starting to feel like the ED (emergency department) may be the avenue I'll travel. I've been told several times that I have the personality for such a place. We will see -- as I am comfortable on 7N and feel like they are extended family (going on three years there!)

My life is starting to pan out -- there is an end in sight to the bills that piled up in the past few months. My schedule is still incredibly insane, but I actually feel like I have a firm foundation on whether or not I am coming or going. The boys are continuing to excel, both in school and in football. My relationship with Joel still sucks (divorce has NOT made that better) but I'm hoping that when he gets a job(he's been unemployed and NON PAYING all of this year) he will lay off on all the negative comments, looks, emails and texts. I wish him the very best -- I do. He is a good man and deserves to be happy. I've been in counseling all month and it has helped tremendously lay out the priorities in my life and clear the cobwebs in my head. As for my personal life, well...let's just say that I am doing what I feel is right. I am not going to speak about it publicly because I have learned that was a huge mistake in the past. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks anyway (the good, the bad, or the ugly) and gathering all my family and friends opinions only ended up being confusing and hurtful when I didn't do what they wanted and/or they didn't say what jived with my heart. I appreciate my friends and family (and their good intentions,) but I also have been through enough (and heard enough advice) in the past 5 years to last a lifetime. It's my life and I will live it the best way I know how. I know now that the people who love me will be with me though hell and high water, so I finally feel confidant keeping my personal life, well, personal. :-) Let's just say that I haven't felt lonely all month...and have it be known that I am really, truly, happy.

...and it's only going to get better from here. Trust me on that.