Hey Facebook, delete me!

It's been brought to my attention that I am "almost too positive,"  "too happy," or that we are "too in love,"  and that my family "seems too perfect" and perhaps I should "brag less so people don't feel worse about themselves."

Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete.

So I'm going to bring it to blog land with the intentions to put my mind to rest about it.

The truth is...you know nothing about me if you think any of those things.  You see, we are not friends.  We aren't real life friends, online friends and probably not friends on paper, either.

You don't know about the struggles I have had.   You don't know about the personal demons that always tempt me.  You don't know about my weaknesses or my pain.  You don't know about my childhood.  You don't know about my horrible divorce.  You don't know about the bitter betrayal of a close friend (who went on to marry that ex-husband).  You don't know about the loss of many friendships.  You don't know about the children I've lost, or any of the pregnancies I have had that were wrought with fear and tears.    You don't know that my Dad died when I needed him the most and you mustn't know how devastating his loss has been for me on an everyday basis.  You don't know about how I struggled to find myself.  You don't know I lost a job that really mattered to me.  You don't know about my legal troubles.  You weren't there when I broke off an engagement months before the wedding.  You haven't wiped away my tears or heard my screams of disappointment.  You have no idea about my depression that ultimately almost took my life.  You have no idea how close I was.  You know nothing about the lingering panic attacks and anxiety.  You didn't see me struggle through nursing school, painfully, amidst blood sweat and tears while working full time and losing precious time with my children. You don't know about my financial situation then (or now.)  You don't know how I packed up what was left, walked away from my bankrupt life and went home to my mom's house with my tail between my legs.  You don't know about my job or how demanding it is physically and mentally to be a nurse.  You don't know about my health conditions.  Specifically, you don't know about my cancer history, or my blood clotting conditions.  You don't know how disruptive my relationship with my ex-husband is for my life and my poor children.  You don't hear the conversations I have with my boys about their worries and fears. You don't know about the worry I have for my loved one's health that literally is fading away in front of my eyes.  You don't know how terrified I am (almost paralyzed with irrational fear) that something will happen to someone I love.

You don't know my children, either.  You don't know how resilient these boys are.  You don't know the confusion that they had when the divorce happened.  You didn't see their tears when they asked me why Daddy was kissing my friend.  You don't know how difficult it was for them to bounce from one house to another.  You didn't see them struggle and forget things here and there and still get berated for it.  You didn't see them when they cried themselves to sleep, or begged me to stay home when I had to get to school or work.  You didn't see them juggle their time and space when I couldn't be with them.  You haven't heard their problems.  You weren't there when we lost our electricity and moved across town with Grandma.  You weren't up with them at 4 in the morning so they could get to school on time.   You haven't seen the bald spots from anxiety, paid extra bills for the broken bracket on the braces (more anxiety).  You haven't seen them both strive for perfection, sometimes getting it and sometimes not.  You don't know their hearts.  You don't know their struggles.

And you certainly don't know my relationship with my husband.  You have no idea how hard we fought for this love.  You don't know why we started or why we continued.  You don't know about his military service, couldn't imagine the things he's seen and done.  You don't know about the physical fights and harassment we endured from my ex.  You don't know our legal troubles from bad decisions we have made.  You don't know how the job losses or house relocations nearly destroyed us.  You don't know how we struggled to get me through nursing school.  You don't know how many times we broke each other's heart by trying to figure out who we are and what we wanted.  You don't hear about any infidelities, lies, pain and hurt.  You don't remember us breaking up "for good" cause you weren't there for either of us.  And, you don't remember when we rekindled.  You aren't there for the counseling sessions and you don't wipe away our tears from past hurts.  You haven't been there for the numerous pregnancy losses, each one more painful then the next.  You haven't been there for the family hospitalizations and family dramas with drugs, jail, and everyday nonsense.  You aren't there in the middle of the night when his night terrors are full force literally shaking your from your sleep with no end in sight.  You don't see our bank account.  You don't pay our bills.  You don't hear our conversations about worries and the future. In fact, you have never helped us up, only tried to push us down.

So, while, I don't feel the need to always defend myself, per se, to the negative people, I will say that you don't know us...we are not friends.  With that in mind, I'm cleaning "facebook" house and I encourage you to do the same.  See, the thing here is this: I am super positive and blessed by God to live this life I'm leading.   I am happy.  My life is really great. I am madly in love with my husband and find him more beautiful (and sexy) with each passing moment.   Right now, nothing is perfect, but it's all perfect for me.  I also know that it won't always be this way.  I live a life of high highs and low lows.  I've never been one for mediocrity and I don't expect that to change.  I've learned a lot in counseling.  I have learned that I will always be a work in progress.  Our counselor jokingly said that Justin and I both have OCD and ADD.  "Everything has to be perfect, you just don't know how to keep it that way for very long."  :)  It is inherently true and that makes our relationship -- our lives -- an experience not for the faint of heart--, but it is ours.  <3>

I do however feel a bit guilty about the last thing.  If, in fact, my happiness makes you feel bad, that just sucks.  So please...do yourself a favor and delete the heck out of me so you won't need to feel any worse.

....nothing in the world would make me happier.  :)

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 42 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...

14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

22. The most important sex organ is the brain.

23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

25. Always choose life.

26. Forgive but don’t forget.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..

31. Believe in miracles.

32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

34. Your children get only one childhood.

35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

39. The best is yet to come...

40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

41. Yield.

42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

 

Well intentions

I have a friend that is battling cancer.  She started a caringbridge site -- thank God, too...cause I stalk her like crazy.  I think about her non-stop and while we are keeping in touch -- I know how sick she is and how crappy she feels.  I am scared that my calls, visits or even emails or texts can get annoying -- after all, I'm just one of me -- and she is a cool ass chick, so I'm sure she's overwhelmed by so many, even if it's well-intentioned.

So this morning, I was was stalking her...and realized that my Dad's site is still viewable.  So I ventured to his last days -- and the tears flowed freely.  Crazy how time makes you forget some of the details.  Plus, I wasn't a nurse yet -- so I didn't realize what all those things meant.  Perhaps that is what they mean by "time heals."  You know...the things said by the well-intentioned?

And, I sit here -- unwilling to let another person in my life pass to such a horrible disease.  My friend is a fighter and was able to remove the cancer before fighting with her life with an almost deadly (though well intentioned) chemotherapy.  My Dad never really had much of a chance and the fight was fast.  I am grateful for his short suffering and would like to think that at that point in my Dad's life (and maybe even in ours) God was, in fact, well intentioned. 

hm

Day 20: Sports

Sports are very important to me.  I love to be active and watch others being active.  It was practically pumping through my veins as a child.  My family is a huge football family.  I have very fond memories of huge (and I mean HUGE) Nebraska Huskers parties.  I always thought my Dad kind of resembled Herby the Husker.  :)

I grew up playing soccer.  In Junior High, I added in basketball and volleyball.  In high school, I started diving.  My boys play sports -- and I love that in addition to being so good at them, they really enjoy them.  Soccer, football and now wrestling takes up a lot of our free time.  I wouldn't want it any other way - it's a great way to grow up and have things in common with your parents/your child.

I have vivid memories around the football fields watching my brothers too. In fact, that is when I became a Packer fan.  My brothers played Pop Warner for "The Packers" -- I was all of  4 or 5 and started my love and loyalty for the green and gold back then.  And, today, my favorite Packer announced he is retiring.  Although that makes me sad, Donald Driver is such a class act.  I couldn't be happier for his loyalty and dedication to the Green Bay Packers -- and for keeping it classy.  (Still question the "Dancing with the Stars" commitment, but hey, he won!  LOL)  Anyway....thanks #80 -- and I, personally, will miss you!

Day 19: Fireworks

When I was growing up, we spent the fourth of July at our cabin in Nebraska.  We had the biggest and best firework shows there...ever.  My parents must have spent a fortune on things that literally went up in smoke in the matter of seconds.  It was there that I learned to light them off, fire them at my brothers and sisters, and heard the BOOM of m80s, 100s and even 1000s.  My Dad delighted in throwing a package of blackcats at our feet during dinner and I often awoke from my nightly slumber to cracks of fireworks and the peaceful smell of smoke bombs.

(I was going to write about how I literally saw and felt fireworks when I first kissed my husband....I mean it -- it was like the stuff cartoons are made of....but I'll refrain... well, sort of.)

Day 18: Wild at Heart

Today is Martin Luther King Day.  I am a big fan of his....and believe in my heart that I would have walked beside him in his plight for equality.  It takes a wild heart, a brave soul, a determined courage, a never ending love and a dream -- we cannot forget the dream.

Some of my favorite quotes from a beautiful man:

Quotes by Martin Luther King, Jr.:
*Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. 

*I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear. 

*Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

*I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

*The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

*A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.

*Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.

*A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.

*An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

*In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

*Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

*Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.

*A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan.
*Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

*We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

*The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.

* A lie cannot live. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Day 17: Graveyard

Of course this reminds me of my Dad.

Back in the day, I was home from college and in the car with my parents, when my Dad told me he wanted to show me something.  We pulled into the cemetary.  "Strange," I thought.  Dad drove around to the back and we all got out of the car.  He came up next to me and said, "I just bought this land for your Mom and I."  "Ew, Dad, this is creepy."  He laughed his silly cackle laugh, put his arm around me, spun me around softly and said, "Look, you can sit here and visit us, and have a perfect view of Camelback Mountain!"  "Ok, great, can we go now?"

And, that's the truth.

So, there lies my Dad...and when I visit, I gaze up to the huge mountain and can almost hear him say, "I told you so."

Always the thinker, that man.

(Here is a picture of me, my brothers, and my baby boy wishing him a Merry Christmas with a bottle of Jack -- you can't see the mountain in this picture though...cause...well, duh!...we're looking at it!)

Day 16: Different World

Day 15: Books

(I actually just got some -- my school books just came in the mail -- here we go again.  boo!)

I am not a huge reader -- I like books that tend to make me better.  I like the books that are more along the self-help type.  I started reading them a very long time ago -- things that make me happy or make me think differently.  After the divorce, I read them more to help me make sense of the struggle I had created and help empower me to take control of my life and create happiness.  In my quest for contentment, I stumbled across Buddism and my reading took off.  There are a lot of awesome books out there about Buddhism.  I've read several.  The Storms Can't Hurt the Sky was an UNBELIEVABLE BOOK that helped me actually start to get along with my ex-husband a bit.  I really should read it again, as we are at odds yet again...as evidenced by the current book on my nightstand...

Day 14: Children

I never had this in mind, on the day you were born,

Hugs and kisses goodbye "til we see you Christmas morn.
You both walked away with a wave and a smile
I closed the door and sighed, then I cried for awhile.

Another year, another holiday, another day of missing you

Divorce robbed us of so much and there's nothing we can do.
Every time you must go, a heaviness fills my heart
And while I know you love your Dad, I hate to be apart.

It's hard that you don't know the calmness of only one home

But comforting to know you can always pick up the phone.
It's hard that you are hustled from one place to another
But comforting to know you are always with your brother.

I'm sorry that we caused this and pray for forgiveness everyday.

And, hope you grow up to see there was just no other way.
We've all moved to happiness now, but it still is just so tough.
Our time together, divided up, never seems to be enough.

But enjoy this time, your first days of Christmas break, too!

Be polite, mind your manners - Santa's still watching you!
Your presents will be waiting, wrapped under our tree.
For us all to unwrap as one big family.

Please know I think of you always, even when you aren't here.

And always with a smile, though sometimes, through a tear.
I am honored to be a Mom and I love you tons and tons
Remember that forever my two most-beautiful sons.

Day 13: Forest

Forest, huh?

• Forest Gump (RUN FOREST RUN!)
• Forest Whitaker  (Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a movie fav!)
• "So your running through a forest"  (moving hands frantically on each side of said person's face)  "running, running, running" and SMACK (hit them in the head)  "You hit a tree."
• "You can't see the forest for the trees"  (I believe I do see the big picture in most circumstances)
• My roommate in college dated a chick who had a son named Forrest.
• Lake Forest -- a college outside of Chicago that I had a conference at when I was working for Lakeland College in Green Bay.
• Rain Forest -- the environment that Cole's Humminfint had to adapt to.

That's about all I got.  Forest.  For rest. Naptime.

Day 12: Celebration

Yesterday was "Welcome Home Wednesday...."  that is always such a celebration day anyway.  But yesterday was particularly fun because Justin and I had plans to surprise the boys with dinner and tickets to a Suns game.We aren't a huge basketball family -- but we do love spending time together.  The boys' faces were priceless.  It made for a pretty late evening, but after tucking them in and them thanking us a million times...it made waking up late for school almost worth it, today.  Whoops!

Day 11: Greed

I struggle with this.  I am not a greedy person, by nature.  I do not covet my neighbor's things.  I do not look at others and wish I had more -- or was more -- or any of that.  So why do I say I struggle with this?

My boys.

I am so greedy for them -- for their time -- and I struggle with having to split their time with Sunshine.  I know that it is unfair -- but I just really wish I didn't have to watch them leave with him - or drop them at his house.  I hate that I have to split holidays with them.  I hate that I don't tuck them in bed each night. I hate that I hear about things that happen after the fact or that they tell me that he won't let them call me.  He is greedy too, it appears, and that angers me.  I sometimes respond with anger, or worse, sarcasm and hatred.  I really do not like myself when I crack.

I try to remember he deserves time with them.  He loves them.  He doesn't like this either -- divorce robs ALL of us.  I try to remind them of that too when they are begging me to ask if they can stay longer or come earlier.  I'm even going to guess that maybe they do that for him too -- to protect our hearts in their own way (12 and 9)...

...they want each of to know how much they love us....both.

And that's certainly not greedy.

That's beautiful.

Day 10: Success

The first thing that came to my mind (well, second...after the S-U-C-C-E-S-S cheer) is this poem by Emerson:

 

It's always been one of my favorites.  It was also the poem that was chosen for the funeral of a very successful man -- one whom I greatly respect. His name was Daniel (Dave) Nusbaum -- and he is my children's paternal great-grandfather (and Cole Daniel's namesake).  Both of Sunshine's grandparents have a special place in my heart.  I loved them.  Grandpa was a real quick wit and had a very funny demeanor.  He also was smart as all get out, but more than that...he held integrity like no one I've seen before or since.  He was raised on a farm and worked hard to graduate from the University of Wisconsin (Madison) and then went on to get his master's degree.  Several business ventures and relationships later found him starting Schreiber's Cheese (while working on his doctorate -- no small feat!)  He loved to learn -- and loved to teach (and the cheese is downright delicious). He wasn't just successful professionally, either.  He was a successful patriarch to a beautiful family.   He was married for 62 years and had eight children, numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren (Dane was his first!) when he died in 2005.  His legacy continues though -- not just in the company he started (a quick google shows that today,  Schrieber's has over 4500 employees, has production facilities spread across Wisconsin, Arizona, Georgia, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Texas, and Utah, as well as in Germany, Mexico, and Brazil, and it runs four distribution centers in the United States which has grossed over 2.2 billion dollars) -- but also with the growth of his family.  Personally, my boys carry the Nusbaum name and I am grateful that Grandpa's blood courses through their veins.  That's true success.

Day 9: Journey

Day 8: Relaxing

It's so important to have down time.  My only trouble is that my mind in relentless.  I wish so much that I had an off switch.  I'm constantly making mental "to do" lists.  There is always something else I should be doing.  Last night, we all had a delicious dinner and then went outside to sit around the fire.  It was about as close to relaxation as I get.  I was so content. 

I think that is what it all boils down to.  I think that I am falling into the rat race of always wanting more.  I hate that.  I have a great job -- and then I think that I have to push myself and think about moving on to a different job.  I have a great education -- and then I think that I have to get more.  I make decent money -- then I buy newer stuff and need more money.   I love my house -- then I think about moving.  (maybe I should have posted this under the "thinking" day)....

but...I don't like that.  In order for me to have a peaceful mind and allow true relaxation,

I have to remind myself to simplify. 

 

I need to be grateful that I have enough. 

 

I am enough.

Day 7 - Sunset

I am more of a sunrise kind of girl, but I do love a good sunset....preferably one where the sun is falling into a vast, beautiful ocean....preferably an ocean with fun, salt-kissed waves that my children are playing in....preferably those children are peacefully getting along so my husband and I can bury our feet in the sand and hold hands, preferably one hand will be intertwined with his while the other  is holding a divine beach cocktail....preferably that cocktail is following a perfect, delicious dinner that has filled my belly.....preferably that belly and my heart will be so full that, with the sleeping of the sun and a rinse off of the saltwater, we can tuck the boys in and sneak off to our bed...preferably that bed will be made up outside under the stars....preferably stars that we make a wish on, cuddle a little, kiss a lot and then sleep the night away....Ahhh, sunsets.

Might be time for another Mexico trip....

Day 6: Reading

I'm not that much of a reader.  I hated it growing up because of school -- being forced to do much of anything was never really by thang.  (and yes, I meant to type THANG...you read that right!)  I remember vividly telling my Language Arts teacher that I would MUCH rather write a book than read one.  I think I BS'd through every single book report.  The ONLY book I read was because Mr. Barber started reading it in class out loud (slightly inappropriate looking back at it, but I so very much enjoyed it) was The Catcher in the Rye.  I've read it several times since and the book constantly morphs for me - always meaning something different.  Now, I still am being semi-forced to read since I'm back in school, so I don't have much time for leisure filled days of reading.  (Yet, somehow I did manage to read the 50 Shades of Grey series....but that is much more about my insatiable sex drive than my ability to read...wait, really, what are we talking about?)

All of that said....my child LOVES to read.  I mean he really really really does.  Sure, it may have been perpetuated by being told to do so for school, but it has taken off.  We are always looking for new suggestions.  He brings his books with him wherever we go.  He reads in the car, in the store, at appointments, in his room, on the couch, on the trampoline ....and sometimes even on his brother.