Friday, October 28, 2011
A spouse that has cheated...
I have a couple friends going through really rough patches in their marriages. Both women are married to men that have cheated on them: One was a one night stand, the other was a full blown affair. They are devastated. They are angry. Everyone is offering all sorts of support that ranges from a room to stay, a hug or a drink to offering to dig the ditch to bury him or kill the bastard themselves. Women are not to be reckoned with -- and when one of our own is suffering, the inner bitch comes out for all to see.
I'm different, perhaps. I'm quietly giving my support and privately crying my own tears. It's hard for me. Truth is, I was the cheating spouse. In the end, I made the choice to stray outside my marriage and ultimately to tell my husband that I had moved on. In the months to follow -- years, really -- I was at the butt end of all the gossip. People were devastated. People were angry. It was my body that was going to be shot and buried in a deep hole. It was me that was the target for everything badly that ever went on in my relationship -- and even things that didn't. Very few people knew the private hell I had been living. Very few people knew the real me....and the real Sunshine. Yet, it was me.
I know now how ridiculous the hatred was and how hurtful the false accusations were, as well. I've grown so much from that point in my life. I know now that our relationship fell apart by things that both of us did. I know now that we both gave up. I know now that I am responsible for the hurts I caused and Sunshine is too. It's inappropriate for me to say anything to my friends at this point supporting the husband...but in so many ways I want to. It's been reeling on my brain, so on my blog, I'm going to write .... from the standpoint of the cheating spouse immediately after the incident, cause I own it... (deep breath.) Remember this is just from my perspective (I'm sure there are real douche bags out there -- but I was not one...)
Your cheating husband/wife loves you. They really do. It doesn't help that you don't think that this is love -- or that "you don't hurt the one's you love"...it's true. They are still as in love with you as they were XX (insert number) years ago when you fell in love and then when you married. In fact, they are still the same person that you married. You may have been able to overlook things before and now they are right smack dab in front of you. They are sorry about that. They are sorry ....so sorry...that you are hurting. They may not seem like it -- in fact, they might seem really happy. It's a joke. They hurt. They are struggling and sad and hate that this is happening. Even if they are still with the person that they cheated on you with, they worry if it's worth it. They worry if it can go anywhere beyond where it is now. They have this horrible pit in their stomach that is making it impossible for them to eat...to sleep....to think about anything... and they deserve it. They know it.
Your cheating husband/wife still loves your family. Your children are absolutely as important to them as they were before the infidelity. They want to KILL THEMSELVES for hurting the children. Even if your kids are little (or adult), they are struggling that they have put them in the category of becoming a "child of divorce" and even worse, that their image of marriage will forever be changed. They hate that they are going to be split between houses -- and that they won't see them 24 hours a day. They hate that one day those kids are going to ask them "why?" "how could you?" and perhaps take your side. They worry that they will be seen as less of a mother/father in the eyes of the kids. They are hurt by the reactions of your friends and family, too. While they know they deserve it to some degree, they wonder why no one asks them why they did it or how they are. You will all find out quickly who your true friends are and it's going to suck, for both of you.
They cry about losses. The loss of the love you once had. The loss of family. The loss of being intact. The loss of friendships. The loss of their reputation. The loss of their home. The loss of the dream. The loss of their own self-respect.
They are very sorry. They are hurt by the things you are saying -- that everyone is saying. Even worse, they are hurt by the looks, whispers, gossip and cruelness that is circling them. They want to scream that this is not out of the blue. They want to say that the relationship has been failing long before this. They want to say all the things that you have done wrong. They want to lash out at things you failed at or bring up past incidents. And, they will. They will because they are dying inside. They are feeling a mix of hatred for themselves, devastation of the betrayal of friends/family/you and a sense of inner pride that tells them to go down swinging. It's survival. It doesn't mean to hurt you further, or even to tarnish your reputation, it is just their way of trying to get through the day to day pain.
For now, it's totally understandable to find your inner bitch -- get angry -- get a lawyer. Freeze your assets. Protect yourself. And, if you decide to go to counseling, put it all on the line. Don't hold back -- say what needs to be said. Jump all the way into the pool... be vulnerable, but you have to be willing to forgive. If you can't, find a different road.
I know that none of this makes sense to you now, but in time, I hope it will. Fact is, if you share children, you will be in their life forever. So eventually, may you lose the anger, for he/she is deeply sorry. May you lose the sadness and find happiness, for they are forever striving to find the same. May you look back at your relationship and remember the good times because there were so many. May you wish them well because the golden rule pertains even in adult hood. May you love your children and try to remember that they love your (ex)spouse too -- watch your words, your actions because your children don't need to feel torn between mom and dad. Eventually, when you start dating again, choose wisely. In time, it will become easier to be in each other's company without crying or wanting to kill each other. But remember in moments of quiet alone time, they still miss what you had -- and perhaps, they miss you a bit too.
But don't expect them to show it.
I'm different, perhaps. I'm quietly giving my support and privately crying my own tears. It's hard for me. Truth is, I was the cheating spouse. In the end, I made the choice to stray outside my marriage and ultimately to tell my husband that I had moved on. In the months to follow -- years, really -- I was at the butt end of all the gossip. People were devastated. People were angry. It was my body that was going to be shot and buried in a deep hole. It was me that was the target for everything badly that ever went on in my relationship -- and even things that didn't. Very few people knew the private hell I had been living. Very few people knew the real me....and the real Sunshine. Yet, it was me.
I know now how ridiculous the hatred was and how hurtful the false accusations were, as well. I've grown so much from that point in my life. I know now that our relationship fell apart by things that both of us did. I know now that we both gave up. I know now that I am responsible for the hurts I caused and Sunshine is too. It's inappropriate for me to say anything to my friends at this point supporting the husband...but in so many ways I want to. It's been reeling on my brain, so on my blog, I'm going to write .... from the standpoint of the cheating spouse immediately after the incident, cause I own it... (deep breath.) Remember this is just from my perspective (I'm sure there are real douche bags out there -- but I was not one...)
Your cheating husband/wife loves you. They really do. It doesn't help that you don't think that this is love -- or that "you don't hurt the one's you love"...it's true. They are still as in love with you as they were XX (insert number) years ago when you fell in love and then when you married. In fact, they are still the same person that you married. You may have been able to overlook things before and now they are right smack dab in front of you. They are sorry about that. They are sorry ....so sorry...that you are hurting. They may not seem like it -- in fact, they might seem really happy. It's a joke. They hurt. They are struggling and sad and hate that this is happening. Even if they are still with the person that they cheated on you with, they worry if it's worth it. They worry if it can go anywhere beyond where it is now. They have this horrible pit in their stomach that is making it impossible for them to eat...to sleep....to think about anything... and they deserve it. They know it.
Your cheating husband/wife still loves your family. Your children are absolutely as important to them as they were before the infidelity. They want to KILL THEMSELVES for hurting the children. Even if your kids are little (or adult), they are struggling that they have put them in the category of becoming a "child of divorce" and even worse, that their image of marriage will forever be changed. They hate that they are going to be split between houses -- and that they won't see them 24 hours a day. They hate that one day those kids are going to ask them "why?" "how could you?" and perhaps take your side. They worry that they will be seen as less of a mother/father in the eyes of the kids. They are hurt by the reactions of your friends and family, too. While they know they deserve it to some degree, they wonder why no one asks them why they did it or how they are. You will all find out quickly who your true friends are and it's going to suck, for both of you.
They cry about losses. The loss of the love you once had. The loss of family. The loss of being intact. The loss of friendships. The loss of their reputation. The loss of their home. The loss of the dream. The loss of their own self-respect.
They are very sorry. They are hurt by the things you are saying -- that everyone is saying. Even worse, they are hurt by the looks, whispers, gossip and cruelness that is circling them. They want to scream that this is not out of the blue. They want to say that the relationship has been failing long before this. They want to say all the things that you have done wrong. They want to lash out at things you failed at or bring up past incidents. And, they will. They will because they are dying inside. They are feeling a mix of hatred for themselves, devastation of the betrayal of friends/family/you and a sense of inner pride that tells them to go down swinging. It's survival. It doesn't mean to hurt you further, or even to tarnish your reputation, it is just their way of trying to get through the day to day pain.
For now, it's totally understandable to find your inner bitch -- get angry -- get a lawyer. Freeze your assets. Protect yourself. And, if you decide to go to counseling, put it all on the line. Don't hold back -- say what needs to be said. Jump all the way into the pool... be vulnerable, but you have to be willing to forgive. If you can't, find a different road.
I know that none of this makes sense to you now, but in time, I hope it will. Fact is, if you share children, you will be in their life forever. So eventually, may you lose the anger, for he/she is deeply sorry. May you lose the sadness and find happiness, for they are forever striving to find the same. May you look back at your relationship and remember the good times because there were so many. May you wish them well because the golden rule pertains even in adult hood. May you love your children and try to remember that they love your (ex)spouse too -- watch your words, your actions because your children don't need to feel torn between mom and dad. Eventually, when you start dating again, choose wisely. In time, it will become easier to be in each other's company without crying or wanting to kill each other. But remember in moments of quiet alone time, they still miss what you had -- and perhaps, they miss you a bit too.
But don't expect them to show it.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Leaving for Mexico tomorrow -- Oh, how my soul longs for the ocean!
I think I was born a beach bum....my favorite memories growing up involved the beach. Toes in the sand, breeze through my hair and smile on my face. I was just telling a patient about my home away from home, La Jolla, CA. I spent so much time there -- every chance we had -- which included every summer, every school break and even some quick weekend getaways. We were so innocent in those days...mom and dad at the beach, while I was **free** to roam whereever I wanted...and I did...hours at a time, all by myself. I still laugh about the huge waves that made my sister and I clasp on to each other's arm and try to duck under - both of us had to have been terrified - we were practically the only idiots in the water (and terrible undertow) but inbetween almost being swept out to the depths of a brutal ocean, we laughed whole-heartidly. I think if I could have peed my "pants," I would have....it still makes me laugh today. And, as an adult, I treasure La Jolla for so many different reasons. It's peaceful and beautiful. I have billions of pictures of my boys growing up just the way I did (although, they don't roam, like I did -- especially after Cole tried to disappear on me when he was 3....ugh) I just absolutely LOVE it there.
The beach just draws me to it. I'm funny. I like a COLD, desolate beach. Beaches in the winter are my FAVORITE. So, tomorrow, I will follow my heart back to the water in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. It's the place that I have now adopted as my new home. It's the place where I married my love with my children next to me, holding my hand and smiles on our faces. It's the ocean. It's the beach. And, I cannot wait to get there.
See, the ocean does something for me. It's vast and treacherous and makes me remember I am just a speck on this great Earth. Somehow, just remembering that puts my problems into perspective. Sure, things get tough, and I have difficult times, but we ALL DO. It makes me love my neighbors in life just that much more. An appreciation. An understanding. It also makes me feel STRONG. I feel like I can conquer everything. I have already in so many ways. And watching my boys play in the sand, or in the waves, makes my heart dance. They are the best of friends and I am the most blessed mamabear there is.
I simply can't wait...to charge up my spirit and dance in some moist, salty, ocean air.
The beach just draws me to it. I'm funny. I like a COLD, desolate beach. Beaches in the winter are my FAVORITE. So, tomorrow, I will follow my heart back to the water in Puerto Penasco, Mexico. It's the place that I have now adopted as my new home. It's the place where I married my love with my children next to me, holding my hand and smiles on our faces. It's the ocean. It's the beach. And, I cannot wait to get there.
See, the ocean does something for me. It's vast and treacherous and makes me remember I am just a speck on this great Earth. Somehow, just remembering that puts my problems into perspective. Sure, things get tough, and I have difficult times, but we ALL DO. It makes me love my neighbors in life just that much more. An appreciation. An understanding. It also makes me feel STRONG. I feel like I can conquer everything. I have already in so many ways. And watching my boys play in the sand, or in the waves, makes my heart dance. They are the best of friends and I am the most blessed mamabear there is.
I simply can't wait...to charge up my spirit and dance in some moist, salty, ocean air.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Friday, Sept 30....and I'm feeling....well, I'll leave it at that. I'm feeling.
- Since I wrote last:
- The boys had their parent/teacher conferences. Both of my children are equally fantastic. Of course, I already knew that, but it sure is nice to hear. Their grades are beautiful, but even more so, THEY are very well liked by their teachers and classmates. I'm raising smart, precious, mindful children and that means the world to me.
- Buddhism came up in Dane's conference. It's funny how those things happen. Then yesterday, my son jumped in the car very excited. "Mom, my teacher wants me to give this to you." It was a book, Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh and a Buddhist magazine called Shambhala Sun. I was moved. It's the small things and I am grateful for that.
- I finished both my cardiac and nuero recertifications for work just under the Oct. 1 deadline.
- The boys start fall break after today -- which, to me, means MEXICO!!! Can't wait to return to the place where our family circle was completed.
- Football is going great -- both boys are excelling on the field...and Baskin Robbins is happy about it. (They get a scoop of ice cream for each touchdown.) Dane actually "willed" a scoop to Cole last night as Cole ran out and REAAAALLY wanted two scoops...Dane has 4 in reserves, lol, but offered one of his credits to his little brother. Happiness all the way around. It was kind of a sweet moment, really.
The Bad:
- I've been very short tempered with Justin lately. I don't really know why, but I've been feeling less than my uber confident self and it shows. Self doubt...it's a painful thing. I guess having gone through so much bullshit, I have a very difficult time believing that true happiness is obtainable, so I sabotage it.
- At a very vulnerable time personally, Justin reconnected with his ex-wife and her son (that he raised for 8 years) via facebook. Innocent as it is, it's painful to me. His understanding of my feelings and actions taken to assure his love and commitment to our family has somehow got me feeling worse.
- My son's favorite coach -- and one of my favorite people -- has been let go from the organization due to some ridiculous differences in opinions. It's gotten ugly and a whole bunch of "he said/she said" nonsense that has people's feelings hurt and reputations tarnished. What it boils down to for me is that both of my boys are sad and there's nothing I can do about it.
Actually it feels better writing about it -- today, the boys are in school and then at Sunshine's for the weekend. I am going to read my new book, sit in the peace and quiet of my lovely home, perhaps get my nails/toes done and wait for my husband to come home to me. Tomorrow, we will go to Coolidge for both boys games. Sunday starts day 1 of 3 in a row at work and then VIVE MEXICO!!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
It's been too long
There are a lot of things going on in this head of mine, however, I really don't know if any of it is bloggable material. Things have been really busy. Football has pretty much taken spot front and center in our lives. We love this time of year. If it's not Titan football (games and practices) for the boys -- it's fantasy football and the other football pool that we are in. And, there's is always work.... And, of course, there are the disappointments -- the things that people do and the feelings I tend to have towards those actions (and those people.) It's brutal. It breaks down my psyche. I need to be stronger than that. So I continue living and growing. There is a very fine line between putting myself out there - risking with the possiblity of greatness and putting a wall up -- risking loneliness vs finding safe solidarity. I have the hardest time letting go. I know that it is my issue, I place too much pride in friendships and bonds - sometimes people come into your life...to...leave. And, I have to leave it at that.
Someone once said to me, "pray about it." This person is just about the furthest from "GOD" that I know - doesn't believe in God...or himself, for that matter. Yet, I'm listening to his words, and holding on to a better time and hope for a better future... Praying about it.
Someone once said to me, "pray about it." This person is just about the furthest from "GOD" that I know - doesn't believe in God...or himself, for that matter. Yet, I'm listening to his words, and holding on to a better time and hope for a better future... Praying about it.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
It's early ... and I've already been up for 2 hours.
This time it's for a great reason.....
NOTHING.
Sure, I've done stuff this morning. I've cleaned our hamster, Banana's, cage and our tortoise, Spike's, domain as well and put them out to exercise (yes, I'm serious) I've already done a load of laundry, a few dishes, fed the dogs (and by that I mean that I fed Halo, Piper and Scout -- not Jake -- I'm hoping that was done by his rightful owner this morning already..., hmmm). At quick glance, I've paid a bill and noticed Sunshine still hasn't....I even have come to the realization that school is not meant to begin again for me until October...I will have to wait to be a traitor Sun devil (ick.)
I have enormous things on my agenda (funny ha ha) for my non-working Wednesday. I need new scrubs. I need to go to the grocery store (which means I need to decipher what we are having for dinner.) I'm going to print some new pictures for my amazing black and white frames that beautifully now frame my staircase (thank you, my love). I'm going to clean a bit and study for my EKG test at work tomorrow. I'm going to get bills in order, mail thrown away, and a plan made. Of course none of this is really all that important, but it's my life and my children come home tonight.
I LOVE TODAY.
Tonight -- on the docket -- not a damn thing! Turns out we live in a cauldron of burning lava, so football is canceled due to the heat index (and the fact that we love our children - most of us do, anyway). In lieu of football, FAMILY DINNER! (what to have, what to have....) I can't wait to get those boys home. I treasure my text messages from Dane -- but would LOVE to hear IN PERSON those "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and the brags about what a fucking brilliant student he is (100% on his Social "Studys" test...ay vey, we'll now work on spelling...)
On a serious side note....cause I realize this blog is rather light and meaningless...I do have some friends going through some very difficult times. I realize this. I am not making light of it at all. What I do know...and I know you are reading...is....(what is it?)....tough times don't last...but tough people do. I love you. Know that. In the grand scheme of things, you matter and.... this...well this just doesn't. What I've learned, bloggers, is that in tough times...SIMPLIFY. Get rid of the nonsense and the noise. Our own heads and hearts are our worst enemies...but it can be done. (That is such a phonetically mature statement, my high school English teacher would delight!)
On another note (and to another person's issue, that has made me really think)....uh oh, here it comes...the serious blogger in me.... being a single parent isn't the worst thing in the world. Listen to me people.... and listen to this next proverbial randomness while first appreciating this disclaimer:
OK....that said....I have felt like a leper for being a divorced parent. I have felt like less of a person, ugh, less of a family, because the boys aren't accompanied by "mom and dad." I have felt like people think I am less capable of true love or, really more devastating to my psyche, that I have never loved wholely. I have felt (I just replaced "know" with what my psychologist calls fair words without implication) like people view my home as less fit than that of one with an intact relationship (follow along...an intact MOM/DAD one.) I have witnessed (a true statement, thank you) and felt like my children's friend's parents have less than raving ideas about (fill in the blank) their child with a person that is divorced. I have felt like I was not included in certain events/parties/activities because people were uneasy with my "singleness." I have heard my children (both of them...at 11 and 8) have conversations of such with their friends about having divorced parents, two homes, parents that don't get along, uneasiness, etc. AND IT SUCKS.
THAT is why people turn bitter and hard. It is why people put up rules and boundaries (simply to hide fears, pain and wounds) with everyone they meet from here on out. It's one thing going through devastation. It's another being judged, or, ahhem, feeling judged about it. Shame is the greatest obstacle to healing and accepting life, but it's also what makes it so easy to try to justify or prove something. I tried relentlessly to explain why I couldn't be XYZ....I was working full time while going to school full time, blah blah blah .... I was this. I wasn't this. I didn't have this because of this or that. It's so hard to me still that people think my relationship with Sunshine was something...is something, other than 19 years of a relationship (love, bond, dedication, loyalty, and the struggle for peace.) It's equally hard for me still that people hear that I've been divorced and remarried (whether they know us or not) and feel like view it as less worthy or less fought for and deserved.
It's just so hard to explain to someone who has never been through it. Being on the other side of the mountain (Miley Cyrus' The Climb still makes me bawl, and I ain't ashamed.....I also never say "ain't" but it was deemed acceptable and allowable in this case) I have become SUCH a better person for the shit I've been through. If I never would have struggled with my fertility, I would never understand the longing of a mother's desire. If I never would have miscarried, I never would understand a person's utter pain and disappointment. If I never would have loved and lost, I never would have understood the devastation of a lost dream, nor would I ever have understood the power of a second love. If I never would have been divorced with children, I never would have understood how people's opinions of you change and hurt. If I never would have been financially bankrupt, I never would treasure what I have and the blessings money can't bring. If I never would have been touched by the death of my father, I never would have understood that it literally rocks your foundation and makes you question where you came from, where you're going and what biological traits you carry with you. I can understand. as much as my presence and existence let's me, what people with similar situations are going through. I also know that I love my children completely and that I am a kick ass mom. I smother them with attention and gratitude and they return the favor. I would lay my life down with no questions asked so they wouldn't hurt. And, it just doesn't matter what other people think. Dane. Cole. <---they matter, and they know.
For the things I have not experienced, I can empathize. And, more than that. I WANT TO. I NEVER want people to go through sadness. I've said it a million times and embraced my inner Buddhism budding love...we all crave happiness. But, honey loves, out there in blog land....
WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS NOT YOU.....IT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU....
Be willing to think differently. Simplify. Go to a easy place and be open to a peaceful change. Believe in it. I don't give a rat's ass if you think I'm talking nonsense. Be willing to believe you'll get there (and I get it, you have no idea how) Try to let go of old defenses, and old pain will let go of you. Try to let go of fear (of judgement, the past, the future, love, chance) and fear will walk away from you. Try to let go of cynicism and attack and they will let go of you. (People don't make you feel...you do.) Defenses can't make you happy. Be open to the possibility that THIS BULLSHIT will grace your world (and those you touch) eventually....and you are MORE than your interpretation of your life today. Trust me.
Or...don't.
Either way....
my boys come home today.
NOTHING.
Sure, I've done stuff this morning. I've cleaned our hamster, Banana's, cage and our tortoise, Spike's, domain as well and put them out to exercise (yes, I'm serious) I've already done a load of laundry, a few dishes, fed the dogs (and by that I mean that I fed Halo, Piper and Scout -- not Jake -- I'm hoping that was done by his rightful owner this morning already..., hmmm). At quick glance, I've paid a bill and noticed Sunshine still hasn't....I even have come to the realization that school is not meant to begin again for me until October...I will have to wait to be a traitor Sun devil (ick.)
I have enormous things on my agenda (funny ha ha) for my non-working Wednesday. I need new scrubs. I need to go to the grocery store (which means I need to decipher what we are having for dinner.) I'm going to print some new pictures for my amazing black and white frames that beautifully now frame my staircase (thank you, my love). I'm going to clean a bit and study for my EKG test at work tomorrow. I'm going to get bills in order, mail thrown away, and a plan made. Of course none of this is really all that important, but it's my life and my children come home tonight.
I LOVE TODAY.
Tonight -- on the docket -- not a damn thing! Turns out we live in a cauldron of burning lava, so football is canceled due to the heat index (and the fact that we love our children - most of us do, anyway). In lieu of football, FAMILY DINNER! (what to have, what to have....) I can't wait to get those boys home. I treasure my text messages from Dane -- but would LOVE to hear IN PERSON those "I love you's" and "I miss you's" and the brags about what a fucking brilliant student he is (100% on his Social "Studys" test...ay vey, we'll now work on spelling...)
On a serious side note....cause I realize this blog is rather light and meaningless...I do have some friends going through some very difficult times. I realize this. I am not making light of it at all. What I do know...and I know you are reading...is....(what is it?)....tough times don't last...but tough people do. I love you. Know that. In the grand scheme of things, you matter and.... this...well this just doesn't. What I've learned, bloggers, is that in tough times...SIMPLIFY. Get rid of the nonsense and the noise. Our own heads and hearts are our worst enemies...but it can be done. (That is such a phonetically mature statement, my high school English teacher would delight!)
On another note (and to another person's issue, that has made me really think)....uh oh, here it comes...the serious blogger in me.... being a single parent isn't the worst thing in the world. Listen to me people.... and listen to this next proverbial randomness while first appreciating this disclaimer:
I AM NOT A SINGLE PARENT AND I REALIZE THAT. I have an ex-Sunshine
who is VERY active in my children's universe and with him comes a plethora of
people. I also am very aware that I have my beautiful husband-o'mine (and
with him comes people crawling out of the wood work....damn, Mormon
church...kidding, totally kidding - sorta) I have loyal friends and I have a beautiful and loyal family.
OK....that said....I have felt like a leper for being a divorced parent. I have felt like less of a person, ugh, less of a family, because the boys aren't accompanied by "mom and dad." I have felt like people think I am less capable of true love or, really more devastating to my psyche, that I have never loved wholely. I have felt (I just replaced "know" with what my psychologist calls fair words without implication) like people view my home as less fit than that of one with an intact relationship (follow along...an intact MOM/DAD one.) I have witnessed (a true statement, thank you) and felt like my children's friend's parents have less than raving ideas about (fill in the blank) their child with a person that is divorced. I have felt like I was not included in certain events/parties/activities because people were uneasy with my "singleness." I have heard my children (both of them...at 11 and 8) have conversations of such with their friends about having divorced parents, two homes, parents that don't get along, uneasiness, etc. AND IT SUCKS.
THAT is why people turn bitter and hard. It is why people put up rules and boundaries (simply to hide fears, pain and wounds) with everyone they meet from here on out. It's one thing going through devastation. It's another being judged, or, ahhem, feeling judged about it. Shame is the greatest obstacle to healing and accepting life, but it's also what makes it so easy to try to justify or prove something. I tried relentlessly to explain why I couldn't be XYZ....I was working full time while going to school full time, blah blah blah .... I was this. I wasn't this. I didn't have this because of this or that. It's so hard to me still that people think my relationship with Sunshine was something...is something, other than 19 years of a relationship (love, bond, dedication, loyalty, and the struggle for peace.) It's equally hard for me still that people hear that I've been divorced and remarried (whether they know us or not) and feel like view it as less worthy or less fought for and deserved.
It's just so hard to explain to someone who has never been through it. Being on the other side of the mountain (Miley Cyrus' The Climb still makes me bawl, and I ain't ashamed.....I also never say "ain't" but it was deemed acceptable and allowable in this case) I have become SUCH a better person for the shit I've been through. If I never would have struggled with my fertility, I would never understand the longing of a mother's desire. If I never would have miscarried, I never would understand a person's utter pain and disappointment. If I never would have loved and lost, I never would have understood the devastation of a lost dream, nor would I ever have understood the power of a second love. If I never would have been divorced with children, I never would have understood how people's opinions of you change and hurt. If I never would have been financially bankrupt, I never would treasure what I have and the blessings money can't bring. If I never would have been touched by the death of my father, I never would have understood that it literally rocks your foundation and makes you question where you came from, where you're going and what biological traits you carry with you. I can understand. as much as my presence and existence let's me, what people with similar situations are going through. I also know that I love my children completely and that I am a kick ass mom. I smother them with attention and gratitude and they return the favor. I would lay my life down with no questions asked so they wouldn't hurt. And, it just doesn't matter what other people think. Dane. Cole. <---they matter, and they know.
For the things I have not experienced, I can empathize. And, more than that. I WANT TO. I NEVER want people to go through sadness. I've said it a million times and embraced my inner Buddhism budding love...we all crave happiness. But, honey loves, out there in blog land....
WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS NOT YOU.....IT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU....
Be willing to think differently. Simplify. Go to a easy place and be open to a peaceful change. Believe in it. I don't give a rat's ass if you think I'm talking nonsense. Be willing to believe you'll get there (and I get it, you have no idea how) Try to let go of old defenses, and old pain will let go of you. Try to let go of fear (of judgement, the past, the future, love, chance) and fear will walk away from you. Try to let go of cynicism and attack and they will let go of you. (People don't make you feel...you do.) Defenses can't make you happy. Be open to the possibility that THIS BULLSHIT will grace your world (and those you touch) eventually....and you are MORE than your interpretation of your life today. Trust me.
Or...don't.
Either way....
my boys come home today.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Not much really been going on lately - just haven't had anything to write about.
We are just your average busy family, with both of us working, the boys having school, band and football. It seems like we are always running somewhere (and mostly....running out of money.) I'm very blessed to have an average life though. It was Justin's 31st birthday on the 12th. I had planned a surprise skydiving extravaganza -- but it got postponed due to weather. Lightening and rain on an August day in Arizona? Ya, maybe God was telling me to wait. I also successfully passed another August 16 (dad's deathiversary.) This year, I CHOSE to work vs. my normal routine of drinking myself into a silly drunk crying stupor lasting the entire day. It felt good. That said, when I got home, we did go out and partake in some adult beverages, including shots of whiskey and Irish car bombs alongside pitchers of beer, in honor of JFK, Sr. I do miss him terribly, but sitting around the bar table with my husband and two dear friends, I felt really loved and that was nice.
A lot on the horizon, including football, football, football....returning to school....some new roommates and some health issues to battle. Ya know what, though?...it's always something...and for that...I'm grateful.
A lot on the horizon, including football, football, football....returning to school....some new roommates and some health issues to battle. Ya know what, though?...it's always something...and for that...I'm grateful.
Friday, August 5, 2011
DKMS - Become a Bone Marrow Donor
CLICK HERE to Become a Bone Marrow Donor
I just registered as a bone marrow donor with DKMS. It's simple (AND FREE) to do. You fill out the online forms and they mail you an envelope with cheek swabs. There are minimal requirements necessary and you remain on the donor list until you are 61. I'm asking you to consider signing up or making a donation as well. Don't be a chicken-shit....you never know when you might need a little help from your friends (or your children might.) Karma....
I just registered as a bone marrow donor with DKMS. It's simple (AND FREE) to do. You fill out the online forms and they mail you an envelope with cheek swabs. There are minimal requirements necessary and you remain on the donor list until you are 61. I'm asking you to consider signing up or making a donation as well. Don't be a chicken-shit....you never know when you might need a little help from your friends (or your children might.) Karma....
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